Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

Hope everyone has something positive from their day yesterday. Always an emotional rollercoaster. I'm thinking it will always been tinged with sadness. And I am angry at him for that.

I just hope in time we all find peace and happiness for ourselves.

An other day done.

Hugs to you all. I'm so glad you had a better day than expected. I must admit I'm really struggling. Never spent a xmas on my own before. Still cant believe hes done this.

Hi everyone. Just checking in to see how we are doing. I am struggling today. Yesterday was more positive than I thought it would be; today I am very low. Will just have to push in and snap out of it. Warm wishes to all. X

This was me a year ago. Usual story, he claimed to be 'depressed' and to need a few days away then emailed me to say he wasn't coming back. 23 year marriage! And of course, despite denying it, there was somebody else (who updated her relationship status on FB the day after Decree Absolute. Classy, huh?)
So ladies, here's what's helped me:

1. Get a copy of Runaway Husbands and read it at least twice. And believe her when she says IT ISN'T BECAUSE OF YOU.
2. Don't try to understand it, don't try to get an explanation. There isn't one so don't waste your precious headspace.
3. Don't beat yourself up about feeling shit. It is shit. But it gets better. How many posts do you ever see on here where women are saying 'it's five years later and I'm still crying'? None. But you see loads of women saying they've come through it and are happier. I'm giving my head a wobble and deciding that 2020 is my new start.
4. Get angry. How dare he treat someone as fabulous as you like this? If he can do that he simply isn't worth another minute of your time. Really early on a friend said 'well he might change his mind and come back'. My reply was that I wouldn't take anyone back who behaved like he had.
5. Stop contact unless it's about kids.
6. Get a good lawyer. Treat it like a business deal and get the best you can. Don't use the lawyer as your therapist, proper therapists are cheaper.
7. Get a therapist.

I won't lie, I still go over it but I know it's a process and I can see my response to it changing daily. And I'm honestly better off without him.

It. Does. Get. Better. And now Christmas is done and a new year is coming. Chin up and here's to 2020.

@fresh, thanks for that helpful advice. It’s good to have some practical tips.

Morning everyone. @fresh I have had a close look at your advice. I have found the Runaway Husbands and chumplady websites helpful. I feel like the biggest, most foolish chump on the planet right now! How could I have left myself become so financially insecure? Why did I invest all my money in the relationship? I am an intelligent woman but I allowed myself to be taken in by love. So in 2020 I must get myself together recognizing that it is going to be hard. Therapy is expensive but I am hoping to get some extra counselling from the NHS via Healthy Minds. I need to start working again, as soon as I can (the sort of job I’m applying for is a slow burn). Fitness needs to improve, and I must move on legally. Lots to think about. About to go out with friends (to repair some of the damage to my reputation which cheater has created). This afternoon, job applications.

I'm right with you super monkey. Made me give up my job to work with him. Now I have nothing. Looking for work but it's hard with 2 slipped discs. So worried about financial which doesnt help. Just still in disbelief over what's happening I really need to sort myself out. Fell out with my sister yesterday as she says I haven't done enough to get him back. Omg. Hes bought a house with another so I think that ship has sailed.

Thank you eagle & fresh - I will definitely keep looking at your list.

And unicorns, how was your Christmas? I hope you did have some happy bits as well as some sadness.

Superb & bigpooh, I am sorry your financial situations are on the grim side,and I hope you do make progress and get things on a better footing for yourselves. The thing is though, in a long, generally good relationship, there is trust. I know certainly it was one of the biggest things for H and I - we trusted each other implicitly. Everything was shared, everything was a team effort/responsibility. I never anticipated him buggering off the way he has, and I certainly never anticipated him turning unkind and being weird about finances. That just isn't the person he was. At all.

But that's it, isn't it? He isn't that person any more, so all bets are off. Nothing to beat yourself up about - it's all them.

I hope you had a good night with friends, too, Superb - and that it went some way to clearing things up.

I'm in an odd place. Had a conversation at last with relative of his I'm very close too. Another I'd asked him to tell me when he told them, but of course he didn't. She can't understand where he's at, either.

A funny (odd) thing. I mentioned before that a woman with his 'first love's' name had popped up on my facebook friends suggestions. I couldn't see much about her, and wasn't quite sure, but thought the name was too much of a coincidence.

Well it turns out it wasn't her. And the reason I know this is because another woman with that name has popped up on my suggestions list, and this time she's showing as a mutual friend with H. Had a quick look, and it's definitely her, going by what he told me previously.

I think they 'friended' yesterday. I am assuming this is the start of the relationship I've suspected becoming 'open', but find it a bit weird because he's friends with dd & ds on FB, and she might pop up in their friend suggestions also, which seems slightly, well careless.

I was also half expecting a call from him to tell me, but in both cases I guess I am ascribing a level of thoughtfulness this new version of H no longer possesses.

I am quite glad the GP upped my anti-d dose, otherwise I think I would be sobbing on the floor, but although hurt is there, I am a little distanced from it, which is good as I have a long drive and a nice weekend planned, so don't want anything to spoil it.

I will, however, be quite glad to not still love him, and not still want him back. Because sadly I still do, despite him behaving abominably.

Whether I would take him back in reality I don't know, but in the abstract I still miss my person very much.

Small box of. I am afraid I found out by FB. as we shared everything emails bank accounts passwords the lot. It came up on email notifications for FB pictures of him n her n his sister. I was totally gobsmacked his wife he was with for 5 years 27 years ago. Please dont fish too hard as it just adds to the pain . Do anti depressants work as I've been avoiding them.

Morning all.

Hope everyone has something to look forward too this weekend.

Christmas and new year can be such an emotional time. And for those who have only recently been left it is going to be a difficult.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies sounds like you are doing really well. I would unfriend him on face book. I know it's like picking a spot. You can't stop. I blocked ex and ow. Not because I didn't want them to see my page (nothing of interest on it anyway). I just didn't want to see them so publicly.

Even now I also still want my person back. He has long gone I know. Christmas was a challenge and it makes me sad that they are all pretty much going to be the same moving forward.

It is only a handful of days that are like this now. (Unlike everyday at the start). But all occasions bring me a level of sadness and I don't truly enjoy them. Maybe that goes in time. Also I know I got the better 'deal'. But it isn't the same anymore.

This New year and I'm positive it will be better. I'm able to get out more and push myself to do more things alone with the children. I am trying hard to embrace this opportunity I have to enjoy them whilst they are still young. And know I also need to carve out space for me. How that looks I have no idea. But I'm done being sad. So changes need to be made.

It's now been the longest time I've not seen him since the breakup. 2 weeks and I'm not sure if its helping or not. Sometimes I just cant get over how much he changed in a couple of months.

Morning everyone. @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies I had a good meet up with my friends and I am seeing them again on Monday evening. My H still hasn’t admitted his affair to anyone although I know he is currently with her. She will crawl out of the woodwork no doubt once a decent period has passed and assuming that she has got rid of her own inconvenient husband. They are welcome to each other. I had her dregs once before 26 years ago, apparently, and I have no intention of drinking them again. I’m very sad about the situation, lonely, anxious, depressed, but I don’t want him back. There’s no trust left and I don’t like what he has become (or what he kept hidden from me for so long). I’ve got more pride than that. Having said that I’m not looking forward to 2020 because my life is going to change so dramatically, it is going to be difficult, and the uncertainty when I had been so certain is unsettling. I too miss the person who I thought was my person but who wasn’t!

@Bigpooh13, I do agree with not digging around too much because it causes only pain. Friends offer to search social media on my behalf and I ask them not to do so. I know all I need to know, and knowing more won’t make it better or hurt less.

@unicornsarereal72, you sound very together and very realistic. I wish I was at that stage (and with some certainty). I wish that this had happened years ago so that I could have moved on more easily. I will never forgive him for how he has behaved. I won’t forgive her either - she made all the running, but he didn’t have to respond. An honorable man wouldn’t have done so. And he prides himself on his integrity. Dismissive avoidant idiot that he is.

Today is difficult, but tomorrow will be better.

Got through Xmas OK , but it was bittersweet when everyone told me how great I am doing. Don't feel great . Had a crying fit on Xmas eve, alone .
Cant wait until January , so I wont be constantly saying : " This time last year." And starting therapy and maybe mindfulness.
So confused and scared of the future.
But I have had to deal with great problems with elderly relations. And a sweet neighbour , only 55 , whose husband also left her , died . Seeing her 3 daughters, babies and 1 pregnant broke my heart. Puts things in perspective. Grief and loss are universal.
Wondering how you ladies manage going out? I have no interest and dread meeting people, so despite many invites , I don't want to leave the house.

And instead of not being able to eat , I am the opposite .Keep binging on sweet crap and then feel crap. And now overweight , which makes me feel ugly , unattractive and unhealthy.
Need to pull myself put of this slump , but don't have the energy .Dark thoughts and sleepless nights haunting me.
Shite.

Still funny. I'm so sorry. I totally understand. Get told you so strong . No I'm not I'm a crying wreck with panic attacks . What a bastard for doing this to me. And to us.

Dreading new year eve our anniversary of first date..

@Stillfunny and @Bigpooh13. Warm wishes for today. And to @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies and @unicornsarereal72, who are, I hope, having a lovely time in RL. We can’t all be miserable at the same time . I am confused too and terrified of the future (a new experience for me as I have always been confident and optimistic). We can share those fears here together in a safe space.

I do not have children, which is positive in some ways because I have more choice, and negative in other ways because I am lonely. I try to accept every invitation to get me out of the house (with ‘D’H’s support I gave up stressful high profile job for a more flexible career, and then he dumped me). I am conscious of not being a burden on family and friends. My family is small ( dysfunctional) and not very empathetic. They think I should be over it after 3 months and don’t seem to identify my worries. They all say they are selfish and care only about themselves. My friends are great though.

I lost loads of weight so most of my clothes don’t fit me any more! This is a nice problem to have but results in energy levels being low. @Stillfunny, don’t beat yourself up because you are going through so much. Weight can be lost later by starting with short walks. Your body will tell you what it needs. I doubt that you are unattractive.

@ Bigpooh13 are you seeing your doctor for help with the panic attacks? You could try some mindfulness sessions (lots of free ones online if you google ‘mindfulness’). There are good meditations out there for falling asleep which might help.

I am finding the chump lady website archive so useful, including the comments. It’s clear that we are not alone in this and that our STBXHs have behaved so badly. The problem isn’t us, it’s them. If unhappy in a marriage, speak to your spouse, try Counselling, try to improve how you feel, and if that fails, leave. Don’t just have an affair. That is dishonest - it makes you a fraud.

BigPooh13 I met my DH on NYE too. Always celebrated. First year apart , except the year I was in hospital having our son 26 years ago.

I often asked him why he just didn't ask to seperate, especially as he worked away .I would have been younger and more options.
" Because I didn't think it would get that far " and " I thought you would never find out " !!FFS. Meanwhile , I am so concerned for his MH as he was so changed.

And now he thinks I should not be still upset. But I am the one crying all the time and my GP wants to admit me to inpatient MH unit.

It's amazing how similar the situations are. And they telling us same stuff. I have been so worried about him as definitely not right MH for him. Then I think how stupid am I need to stop worrying about him. Hes F# our and my life up. He did it. No warnings. I too have the family n friend who say shud be over it now. They have no idea. When you spend so much time with H and then gone. Its bloody lonely..I miss him so much. The affection everything. I do thing it's a midlife thing for him. As hes life now is all about trying to turn back the clock and he talks alot about age and living and health. Hes spending time with people he doesnt like. It's just so weird, he even looks weird I his face and has aged loads recently.

@Stillfunny, this is sad to read. Don’t worry about his mental health, worry about your own. He has chosen his path and he needs to deal with his own brambles. Your sole concern must be for yourself if you are to get through this. You being ill is not going to make him change, or love you more. In a way you being ill justifies his decision to move on, and that is what he has decided to do. I say this from being in exactly the same position and it hurts like hell. What can you do today to move your life forward a tiny step? Can you go for a 5 minute walk? What about cooking yourself a healthy meal after doing some research online to find a really tempting recipe? Make a list of the things you like doing the most and work through that list one a day. These may sound like silly, small steps, but the alternative is sinking into deeper and deeper depression. You are valuable to the world and he is a liar and a cheat. He is not worthy.

I found this thread yesterday and have read it all, similar situation to all you ladies. Holding in to hope when in reality my husband has gone and destroyed all our lives, but after reading this thread I am more positive the last 2 days than I have been in the last year. Ladies I dont often post but to see other women in similar situations gives me solidarity. I didnt chose this path, but I will make the best of it and take the rollercoaster that comes along. Thank you ladies you just dont know what you have all done for me

@Jacteller, welcome along. Fasten your seat belt, it’s going to be a bumpy ride! So sorry that you have been forced to join our very elite club. @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies is our mentor, so lots of thanks are due to her. In the nicest possible away, I wish you weren’t here. Please feel able to post whenever you want to, particularly in a low moment. It does help to share and receive support. I like to think of us as a band of Amazonian women, taking on our enemies (and remember that the man he is now is not your friend). Take care of yourself. You are amongst friends.

Thanks @superbmonkey I do have a question for any of you ladies my husband has a very ldr with his ow think another continent she is over and it isnt getting to me it's the how do you cope when the kids go over, I want to protect my children and this is the 1st time they will se dad with her and stay over, I am on pins for them, but not showing it to the kids. Husband has turned into a man I dont recognise so all reasonable talking is out the window

Hello group,

Been reading and keeping up with you guys over the past few days and thought I would finally pop my head in to say hello. Not normally one to join in with chats tbh but I'm struggling and need some help, seeing how you guys are supporting each other I was hoping you would all welcome me in too.

My H left me a month ago, he had been off for a few weeks then in the middle of a takeaway he just stopped and said 'I'm not happy, I'm leaving you. I've had a bag packed for weeks' then he just left and I've not seen him since. Been together for 18 years - since we were teenagers, have 3 dcs together.

He comes to pick the kids up / drop them off one day a week. I'm a stay at home mum and am not very good socially, don't have many friends so feeling very lonely & confused. Keep thinking ill just wake up and say wow that was a weird dream.

Christmas was hard but I had the kids so that made it a little easier.

I'm not sure how my best friend just upped and walked out of my life. I asked him if we could do councillors but he just said no I don't want to. Didn't even get a chance to try and work things out.

@Jacteller, thanks for the question. I don’t have children but I’m sure that one of the gang will be along soon to give you some pointers.

@Visioncroquet, welcome to the thread. We will definitely support you in your struggles. You have a home here. The ‘being off’ and saying that he isn’t happy at a weird moment i.e. in the middle of a takeaway is a classic in the Runaway Husbands textbook. Have a look at the website and see what you think.

www.runawayhusbands.com/

My ‘D’ H came out with ‘I can’t do this anymore’ in the middle of a comedy programme after eating a huge dinner that I had lovingly cooked for him. They are incapable of doing anything without major drama, it’s all about them and their happiness, and you are a bit player in their closing scene, the reviews for which will be c**p. Mine didn’t want to work anything out or go for Counselling either. He denied an affair several times, and several times he lied (also long distance).

You are really early in the process, but you sound as if you are holding it together really well. You should take pride in that. Leaving just before Christmas is horrible and tells you who he is.

You need to look after yourself. As a SAHM you need to take the advice from pp about checking out what you are entitled to financially having collected together all the paperwork that you can find. If you can get to a solicitor do so, asking for 30 minutes free legal advice. Have a look at this website.

resolution.org.uk/

Try not to think about him. That’s difficult but does help. Be calm and unemotional when dealing with him as far as you can.

Share here when you want to.