Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

Bunnies, if mindfulness works to make you feel better for some of the time it’s worth doing. Tipsy sounds good. I’ll be joining you in that. The ADs do help but we are all managing the shattered mess inside. Stay strong, ladies xx

I hate that I win the longetivity award with 30 years married!

Sorry Stillfunny I can beat you with 31 years plus I’d known him 6 years before we got married. I’m lucky I’ve got 2 fantastic kids and family and friends who are being really supportive. Daughter had bit of a melt down in the early hours of Saturday morning and rang her dad at 2am to ask him to come home. She came in to my room sobbing her heart out when he said no and tried to justify his actions. At least he knows now what he has done to us and how we are feeling. Was supposed to be on a romantic trip to London this weekend seeing a play then going to Harry Potter World(his birthday present). Daughter has come with me instead at least we’re out of the house and distracting ourselves.
Christmas will be ok I’m seeing my family but I will be glad when it’s all over. Can’t wait to start clearing out the house and having a good chuck away(all his stuff).

Thanks to everyone for their words of support it does help.
.

I just dont understand him. Hes moved town with OW then today he brings her to what used to be our local pub . Stands outside n gets seen so people tell me and puts it on FB then people tell me. Arent I suffering enough.

Hi everyone. How was the weekend? Mine was fun with friends. I still find my situation challenging. @Bigpooh13 perhaps don’t look at FB. Your H seems very insensitive. Think about how you can manage the situation so that you don’t have to see him. Take care of yourself.

Weekend was a mixed bag really. Did some good shopping, including enough alcohol to supply most of the street I think! Christmas cocktails a go!

Had a friend round Saturday night which was good. Spent most of yesterday reading then had an almighty crash last night - almost a full-on panic attack. Which was shit.

Finished shopping today, had a long-overdue haircut so I look halfway decent again, and bought some new clothes which I can't really afford, but as I have gone down a clothes size, I can now get into clothes in a lovely shop I've always coveted things from, so what the hell.

Just got wrapping to do now and I'm all set.

Sending much love to you Still & Fidget, and Bigpooh - definitely agree with Superb to keep away from FB as much as possible - insensitive arsehole.

Glad you had a fun weekend Superb - well deserved.

I have no idea how the next couple of days are going to pan out. Might go to carol service tomorrow evening in the spirit of doing something different (not religious at all) and aiming to take dc for a pre-Christmas drink later, now they are both officially adults.

Then try and concentrate on enjoying Christmas Day as much as humanly possible - dc have made a massive effort, and they are going to be feeling the lack of H, so I owe it to them to be as upbeat as possible, while allowing us all to feel what we feel.

And all of you, us - we will get through this, we might cry and hate it and be scared and angry and desperate but we will do what we need to do and be stronger for it, even when we feel at our weakest.

I'm here cheering you all on. x

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, good to read your update. It helps me to see what others are going through, although I wish things were different for all of us. It sounds like you had a positive weekend. Sunday afternoons and evenings are difficult for me too. I always have a slump, so try to arrange something to keep me busy. Doesn’t always work though.

Clothes and a new haircut are a boost. Got my hair done on Saturday and felt better for it.

Not sure how I’m going to get through the next few days. For various reasons it is going to be particularly difficult and sad. I am still struggling with having been abandoned so suddenly and cruelly, alienated from friends, and ignored. The betrayal I feel is huge. I did not think that my person would do this to me. I loved and trusted him.

I’m cheering us all on too. xx

Lying in what used to be our mutual bed , recovering from a very graphic dream . In which DH is showing me around the new house he has bought . Surprised at how upsetting it was .
It is very strange in the house. DD23 seems to have decided that she needs to be extra loving towards her Dad. Which is OK , but I feel lIke she is pretending everything is the same. Which is the way she does deal with things.
And he is going to UK after Xmas for NYE and that is also an upsetting thought. Proof that things are officially shit.

This is so so hard. He wants to reconcile, most people are urging me to forgive . It would solve so many things. But I really don't think I can .And I am dreading the future.

But just have to keep going- no choice.As neither have any of us.

Hope everybody gets over Xmas OK and that 2020 brings us all a better future.

BigPooh I am sorry he decides it is OK to flaunt everything for you to see. NOJ sensitivity at all.
But worried for you regarding finances . If you were not married , no kids or joint mortgage guess he might not be liable.You need to see a solicitor .

It does reassure me to hear from all of you. I'm struggling with it. Never felt so alone in my life. We were married and I brought up his 3 kids. I've been dropped like a ton of bricks. I told him I coukdnt see him anymore so he stopped the money and contact. Hes refusing to do what my solicitor asks. So as well with struggling with the breakup . I'm completely stressed out with no money . Sorry. You all have the struggles.

@Bigpooh13. I am so sorry to read about your struggles. If you need someone to talk to urgently the Samaritans are available 24/7 on 116123. Hearing a kind voice on the end of the phone can make all the difference when you are feeling low. The call is free no matter how long, so you don’t need to worry about the cost. What are your plans for today and tomorrow? Do you want to tell us about them?

Thank you. I have rang them a previously and he does help to talk. My friend is taking me to dinner today so really looking forward to that. Tomorrow I'm planning to volunteer at the salvation army. Boxing day I used to help do all the cooking for his family so this year I'm thinking of having a walk on the beach. Thanks ho all. Hope you all get through these days.

So you e got some really good plans. They will keep you busy. Enjoy the down time to reinvigorate yourself. Take care.

Bigpooh, I am sorry you are having such a hard time, it sounds like such a struggle. I like your plans though, particularly the walk on the beach. I love being by the sea and just looking at the waves - always find some peace there. I am going with dd for a few days at the weekend down to friends on the coast and will spend some time just sitting watching waves on the rocks. I hope it brings you some comfort too.

Still, I have filled what was our bed with pillows and my childhood teddy, among other things just to make it less empty. It's a bit of an obstacle course to get into, but actually quite soothing to snuggle into. If anyone ever breaks in they'll run straight out again scared because the bedroom obviously belongs to an utter weirdo!

Superb, I am also sorry things are going to be extra tough for you too. The friends thing is so unpleasant.

What are your plans, and yours Still?

I think I have managed so far because him working away has been relatively normal, but now, this is when he would be coming down for the week, so the wrongness is magnified. I really don't know how I'm going to get through today and tomorrow, although I know I have to and I will. But I can feel the tightness building up in me. I think, well I know to be honest, that I have had the hope, the wish that he would suddenly appear or suddenly call, and despite everything, I want that so much.

And I know it won't happen. dc have mentioned a few things he's said which show he is well and truly building a new life.

I just can't...

But of course I will, as will we all.

In context I know there are people in far worse situations, and I know in so many ways I am massively lucky, but this is undoubtedly the worst, hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

I just can't see past the big gaping hole he has left in my life.

The future is so scary, I miss him so much and everything is wrong, unimaginably wrong.

But I do take comfort from the lovely people who have posted from further down the road, who have talked about positives, and making a life, however different, and it does make me feel stronger to know that however slowly, this will come.

And we can do it too. Strength in numbers - we'll all pull through it.

Much love, strength & Christmas Eve hugs to you all xxx

Hi Bunnies. I’m pleased to read your update. I am heading to my sister’s family this year. She has a dog so I can enjoy dog affection. They are so good at sensing mood and providing lots of sloppy kisses! I have also resurrected a very battered teddy (have done since the start of all of this). That helps (weird though it might sound). Mine has definitely built a new life and in some respects I no longer care. He has shown me who he is and I believe him. He is making a huge mistake for many reasons but so be it. Not looking forward to the grinding battles of the future but I will trend warrior woman for that and I have some very feisty support. I continue to feel the gaping hole and am pierced by the betrayal and the lies.

We are going to get there and we will push on, asking for support and providing it on here when needed. xx

Well done to you all. My friend had to cancel . But hey ho. I'm getting used to being let down now . I know how it feels the empty bed. I really hope my husband enjoys his xmas with his new , old wife and celebrates our anniversary with her on new years eve. Not trying to be bitter. Keep trying to move on like he has done. Dont know how they do it.

Sorry your friend cancelled Bigpooh. I hope the volunteering tomorrow goes well. A couple of friends who've done similar found it actually very enjoyable, with lots of chatting and laughter, so I hope it's the same for you.

Enjoy the time at your sisters' Superb, and plenty of doggy snuggles!

I'm all set after major wobble earlier today. Received a very unexpected Christmas card from H, with a very cheery message inside, like you'd send to a friendly acquaintance. And wishing me all good things for Christmas and a happy 2020. WTF?

Have to say nearly tipped me right over the edge. Have been holding it together, getting stuff done but this? How could he? What was going through his mind that he thought that was even vaguely appropriate?

Couple of lovely friends took time out of their Christmas prep to rant with me.

That is just not normal, is it?

Managed to finish what I needed, and spent lovely evening with dd.

I just don't know what is wrong with me that I hate, hate, hate what he has done, but still, all I really want for Christmas is my person back.

And I know that's never going to happen. And I know in the New Year I have to have all the conversations about finances and do all the practical things to basically get rid of him, but oh, blimey I am still wishing for a Christmas miracle and I despise myself for it.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, thanks for your kind message. I am wishing all of us the best Christmas Day possible in our difficult circumstances. I am snuggling with the lovely dog right now.

I’m not sure whether it is worse to get a card or to have been completely ignored as I have been. Both are upsetting and hurtful in different ways.

Let’s not think about 2020 now. Let’s be kind to ourselves and those who really love us. @Bigpooh13, the people who you help today will get you through this.

Stay strong and sending you lots of warm thoughts. xx

Hope you all try and have a merry Christmas, although I’m with my family my heart’s not really in it. Will be glad when it’s all over and I can go home and try and get in to a new routine. Good luck to everyone xx

@Fidgetliz. Just popping on to say have the best Christmas you can in all the circumstances. Trend warrior woman.

Happy Christmas all. Strength, love & hugs xx

Thank you to all. Sending my hugs. I wish I had his usual soppy card. Totally ignored by him. Thinking hes turned into a cruel person but thinking I hope he thinks hes made a big mistake and rushes back into my arms so wrong.

Hopefully we have all made it though the day! I am feeling like I had a good day. Every now and then a wave of sadness comes over me. However I have had much more fun than I thought I would. Tomorrow is indeed another day. The fact that I have been completely ignored by him is making it easier. What a b***d.

Yes, made it through, Superb, and like you had more fun than I'd expected. dd & ds were magnificent. We had cocktails, lovely lunch, played games and fab presents.

Sadness, yes, and like you Bigpooh I am sadly still in the place of wishing he would come back and it was all a big mistake.

I must confess I would rather have had no card at all than the one I got, and I will be sending it back to him with a few home truths.

But for now, just day by day.

festive evening greetings and hugs to all xx

No advice, just wanted to send hugs and thoughts. I thought my marriage was for life, but it wasn't and I was devastated when it ended. However, I coped and my ex and I get on far better than we did when married - but of course that doesn't always happen. 22 years is a long time, so I really feel for you.