Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

Oh Superb I am so sorry. I am glad you got the issue sorted pleasantly, but that impersonal communication is such a gut punch.

I have been having similar dealing with email discussions about dd 18th birthday next week.

Like you, mere months ago we were so close and it just does not seem possible that our 'person' has become a stranger.

I simply don't understand the mindset, I really don't. It is so alien.

I so wish neither of us (or the many others I see on this and similar threads) weren't here.

I am very low again today. Told a few more people at work just to get it out there and avoid awkwardness.

I have an invitation from a local friend I haven't seen for a while to join her and some friends at an even Saturday night. I think I might go. It will be good to do something completely different.

I'm sending you a big hug. x

Bunnies, hug returned! It’s a good idea to go to the event on Saturday. Everyone tells me distraction is the thing. Some times though I think I just have to sit with the sadness. It’s natural to feel sad. Telling people does help though it makes it more real too. Let’s all keep chewing through this together.

I think it will be something that will always be 'sad' about. For those of us that didnt want or expect the relationship to end. Especially as you will always have to be part of their lives through the children. That breaks my heart every time.

I do wonder how it is for them. I know for my x it hasn't turned out like he thought it would. I remember him leaving saying he wanted us to be friends that I was his best friend and he wanted to be able to go for a drink sometime. He won't even come to the door now to collect the children.

I just hope that with more time and life moving on I find my peace.

Sending you all strength for today and although the sand under our feet has shifted we continue to build new foundations. Slowly but surely.

They aren't the men we use to know.

Hi bunnies, how are you? I'm getting a lot of comfort from reading your posts (you write so well) and the lovely supportive responses. I'm wishing none of us were here but also so glad to not feel so alone. It's such a rollercoaster for me day in day out...as it is for all of us. Wishing you and @SuperbMonkey and @unicornsarereal72 well today

I hope you don't mind but I'm going to copy a post I've put up on my own thread today, in the hopes of getting some advice:

I've just told (D)H that we can start off with a DIY divorce and no point in waiting to start the process as it won't be any cheaper...and asking would he prefer it to be on grounds of adultery or unreasonable behaviour. All he cared about was the fact that his gf is on benefits so he is worried about the court documents going to their address. Can anyone advise if this is likely to problematic? I can't believe that SHE is even getting in the way of my fucking divorce. I'm livid and devastated at once.

@Shinsplints Thanks for your kind words. I am up and down at present, but that’s because of Christmas as much as anything. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself (as this isn’t my fault), but that is difficult. Rehashing the past doesn’t help.

I think I can answer your question. Court documents will only go to gf if you name her in adultery proceedings and give her address. She has the opportunity to admit or deny the adultery so it does complicate things. In unreasonable behaviour petitions you need to be careful about how you refer to a new relationship just in case the court thinks that you are hiding adultery behind unreasonable behaviour. You could say that you believe he is in a new relationship as an allegation of unreasonable behaviour but you should add in a couple of other allegations as well. Hope this helps.

Well done for keeping on going @SuperbMonkey and being kind to yourself. I have felt so low this week and just want to stick my head in the sand over everything but I know that's just making me feel worse. I woke up in the middle of the night in a flat out panic and could not get back to sleep. Everything was swirling round in my head and felt very bad.

Thanks for your advice about the documents. I found the attached post on another thread which I was going to use as model for divorcing on the basis of adultery (I'm wondering if I can just leave out the bit about them living together at X address)...

Hi @Shinsplints What you are suggesting regarding the divorce will be fine. I wake up every night at 2am and struggle to sleep. I think that’s normal but it is very wearing. Things will improve I hope.

Hi Shin, have just posted on your thread! And no worries about posting here - I am taking comfort from words here and on yours - I think it's wonderful the warmth that I, we, are finding here.

It's funny unicorns, because I said on Shin's thread about my 'foundations' turning to quicksand, but your idea of building new ones slowly but surely is encouraging - I hadn't got beyond the shift, but I like the idea of them gradually getting firmer under my feet!

And Superb, yes Christmas is definitely not helping. I am finding the supermarket a real struggle at the moment, not just the endless Christmas music but seeing odd treats and nice food that I know H would like. And like you and Shin also, sleep is not good just now.

I had a good counselling session today. I said I was struggling with having these 2 parallel trains of thought. On the one hand, my heart that still wants him to come back and say it was all a mistake, and my head which is telling me I need to move on. She said you can't really move on until you truly accept a situation (which I don't) but it's fine to move forward, doing things for 'you', getting on with normal things and building your life (new friends, activities etc) as part of a coping strategy. As long as I recognise that. And at some point, hopefully, out of that comes acceptance and real moving on.

I think that is a bit garbled, but I hope there's some sense there. Basically I don't want just to be sitting in a puddle, in a holding pattern, waiting for him to come back (which I well know he most likely won't), I want to get on with my life.

If he were to come back, I want to be in a much better place to evaluate if that is what I want, rather than just welcoming him with open arms, which is still sort of where I am now, even though he has behaved like a monumental wankbadger.

So those two trains of thought can co-exist for a while.

I do thank you all - it does make things easier to bear to be able to share. And I do think we are all epic.

Sounds just like my runaway husband . Decided in a couple of months that he was abit bored. Didnt wanna work things out. Just went back to his mums. 54 I thought he was having a midlife crisis but he was just being selfish lying, cruel. He now buying a house with o/w after 4 months of leaving

It just doesn't make sense to me how they can just walk away without a thought of all we that we've been through . He said it was sad as we ve had a gud run no bad memories. 😫🤷‍♀️

@Bigpooh13 I am so sorry that you are in the same boat. We are, as Bunnies says, an epic group! I am so grateful to Bunnies for starting this thread as I would never have had the courage to do so. It helps to know that I am not alone, even if I am, currently, lonely. Our experiences are very similar - my husband is about the same age as yours, and he has behaved in a very similar way.

Bunnies, you write beautifully, as others have said. The point about parallel tracks is apt. Listening to the head is sensible but hard to do. My counsellor said this afternoon that I could try to rationalise acceptance, but the strong emotions like anger, injustice, betrayal would refuse to be pushed down and would pop up repeatedly, making it difficult to move on. Take care of yourselves everyone.

That's interesting feedback from your counsellors @SuperbMonkey and @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies thanks for sharing. Can I ask, are your counsellors "person centred therapists" or do they have other strings to their bow? It's just that they sound more helpful than my counsellor...he is nice & sympathetic but all he really does is reflect back what I've said to him (which can be useful because sometimes I don't know what I'm saying, just rambling on and it does help to just be able to tell someone what's going on) but he hasn't offered any insights or coping strategies like your counsellors have. I'm wondering if I might be better off seeing a different therapist or type of therapist...

@Shinsplints The counsellor is psychodynamic. She lets me talk and pulls out particular comments to look at more closely. So today I said I was angry but accepted the current situation because it is what it is. She explored whether rational acceptance is possible when strong emotions have been pushed down. It helps me to hear what she says and she does have a different way of looking at things. Sometimes though I leave feeling anxious because when she reflects my situation sounds so dire, which it is in some respects. There’s no harm in trying another therapist if that feels comfortable to you. Whatever it takes!

Hes now decided to file for divorce on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour. After he kept saying we wait the 2years and he will pay me a settlement. Then trys to tell me it was the solicitor pushing for divorce as cheaper why has he become a liar. I still cant believe it. He was planning a new kitchen a month before he left.

@Bigpooh13. That must be hard to hear. He will have to resolve the financial issues as part of the divorce proceedings. It isn’t usually cheaper to petition on unreasonable behaviour grounds, so I suspect this is another lie intended to disturb your peace of mind. Apologies but I’m not sure whether you have seen a solicitor? If not you should do so. You will get some reassurance.

As hes my employer he knows I have no money to pay for solicitor and he has stopped giving me any money until I agree to the divorce. Cant believe the person he is now. So shocked makes me physically sick..

My husband of 31 years walked out on me on Tuesday, so I’m currently still in shock. Reading all of your advice and kind words makes me feel that I’m not alone. Fortunately our kids are both over 20 and still living at home so they have been a great support even though they are as shocked and devastated as I am. All my friends and family can’t believe it as they thought we had a rock steady marriage, so did I!!! Apparently he had an affair with someone he worked with for 5 years which ended awhile ago but as he has been working away this year he has met someone else. We’re both in our early 50’s so I definitely think he has had a mid life crisis. I’m worried sick about my finances in the future as he earns a lot more money than I do. He has said he will keep paying in to the joint account until we’ve had sorted every out and I know we will have to sell the house but I can’t afford a mortgage on my wages. I’m seeing a solicitor on Monday for advice but don’t really know what to ask.

Bigpooh and Fidgetliz, so sorry you find yourselves here too. I am finding sharing and talking here a huge comfort, and hope you will too. We can all help each other along.

Thank you about the writing Superb and others - it really helps to get stuff out of my head and into words. Just glad it makes some sense!

My counsellor is therapeutic, lots of kind listening, but also getting me to look at relationship dynamics which has been quite interesting, and a lot on not being too impatient to 'move on', but to allow yourself to just be, in whatever emotion you're feeling at the time, and not get cross with yourself for being pathetic.

I'd say Shin if yours isn't giving you quite what you want, it's worth trying another.

Today was a mix of good - I went shopping, starting with a treat of brunch in Waitrose (get me!) Then managed to buy some stuff for Christmas and dd birthday.

And bad - it was so, so hard. I mean I have generally done all the shopping anyway, cos I love Christmas shopping, but always communicating and chatting with H along the way. Doing it myself, and being surrounded by so many things I'd pick up for him, and us was awful.

Ended up sobbing all the way home and am exhausted now and just want to curl up in a soggy ball. I just want my life and my 'person' back.

I did get a silly new game for me and dc to play Christmas Day. We usually have family game time and I didn't want to be playing anything with an association with H, so that will be good.

I am also going to be buying the tackiest of tacky fake Christmas trees. We have always had a (far too big) real one, but I am not doing that. I do have a penchant for the naff and tacky so am going to release it for Christmas. It won't go with the rest of my tasteful Christmas decorations, but hopefully it will make me smile.

And have confirmed with local friend I'll go out tomorrow night.

So parallel trains of thought all present and correct!

It seems there is a pattern.. so lonely and miss the physical side of the relationship. Defo the cuddles in bed. I'm really try ing but struggling every day.

So Sorry Bigpooh. It's pants, isn't it?

Had a big setback this evening. H phoned and we talked about dd's birthday. Ended up talking finances and I'd said about having to find new rental next summer. He was asking if I was going to stay here or move somewhere else. It was so dispassionate, as if he was asking an acquaintance.

I didn't think I could get more broken. To go from love of his life to nothing in a few short months is unbearable.

I can't face anything.

I miss him so bloody much - well, the man I knew. I simply cannot get my head around his decision, his behaviour and his thoughtlessness.

I feel as though I am living a nightmare.

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies

I'm so sorry you have had to deal with him. Can you just communicate through e mail for now. I know it isn't very grown up but for your self preservation I think it might reduce the impact on you.

Sending love @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies the tough days are so bad and it does feel like a living nightmare. I hope you got some sleep and feel a bit better this morning  I agree with @unicornsarereal72 I think you should try to minimise contact and keep off the phone to him

Bunnies, I feel for you and feel for myself in exactly the same way. I am with friends this weekend and I am having a massive wobble. We would have been getting our tree and putting on all the decorations we have collected together over the years with a bottle of champagne. I feel angry, betrayed, discarded, so upset, I am struggling to hold it together. This is about him not me but I an the person feeling the pain, not him. It feels so unfair. I agree that it is a living nightmare for which I am completely unprepared. People ask me what I’m going to do and I say truthfully that I don’t know.

@Fidgetliz I am so sorry that you have joined our club. I feel like we should set up a support group! The abandoned wife is such a cliche. I miss the chats and laughs and plans for the future that he has thrown away because of his midlife crisis. The behaviour of these men is so selfish.

@superbmonkey Thank you for your kind words it helps. I’ve been away for the night with my skittles team in Cardiff but it’s been hard trying to keep going. The kids and I have decided to have a Christmas tree but only a small one. My daughter is fluctuating between missing him and hating him.

@Fidgetliz. You are very welcome. I am about to have some champagne and Bombay Mix with my friend and try to talk about things. I’m feeling very down today but I don’t know why particularly today. We all have to stay strong. Perhaps we could all PM each other offline at some point.