Some friendly words - part 2. It's over.

[ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies]

First of all I wanted to apologise to the lovely people who were so supportive on my original thread. I had it deleted because I had a weird 'outing' experience, but it doesn't matter now because this evening I had the phone call telling me it was definitely over.

I thought we had been making some progress trying to work things out, but no, it's done.

22 years destroyed in the space of a few months.

In his words, something just switched off. Which is nice.

I don't believe there is an OW, but I suspect there may well be shortly.

Moving away for a job, living in the village he grew up in which he had never wanted to leave originally, and where he now feels more at home than he has done in years. And yes, he did say that, although he did apologise when I pointed out that didn't make me feel super wonderful.

Too much time alone, too much time to dwell and gnaw at all the little things that weren't quite right, all the little niggles, and BOOM suddenly he's able to completely shut, bolt and nail the door up behind him,

And I am just broken. I know I am strong, I know I can get through this, but blimey, it is just, pain.

It seems such a dreadful waste. Ironically, if he hadn't got this job earlier in the year, we may well have been in Las Vegas now, celebrating 20 years of marriage, which is somewhere I'd always wanted to go, and we were going to splurge, irregardless of our not terribly healthy finances.

I just did not see this coming. I still believe our niggles, issues etc were eminently fixable. But fixing them needed someone who was present. And he evidently hasn't been for the past few months.

It seems to have happened very quickly in his head. There was a catalyst of moving within the village 2 months ago at which point it's like a light went out.

So we never had a chance really, he never said how he was feeling because there doesn't seem to have been a period of doubt, just love one day, nothing the next.

Have to work out how to tell the children (well, young adults).

As is so often the case, the one person I would turn to, talk to, the one person I could rely on to have my back, to make me feel better just by being there...is the very person who has broken me.

Of course I still love him. He's been my love, my person, my best friend for all this time, and to lose all of those is horrifying.

We 'got' each other so much, on so many levels just not having that is more than I feel I can bear. I feel like I'm bursting out of my skin.

When he first told me how he felt, and then when we were talking so I wasn't sure, but hoped there was a chance, I thought that limbo was bad, and actually knowing might feel better. It doesn't.

If anyone is there, please could you spare a moment.

I am very lucky, I have some wonderful friends, but at the moment I just can't go to bed and I feel, just, horrible.

Thank you

I really struggle with how hes changed so quickly. How fast he has replaced me and doesnt care just feels guilty he never made quick decisions before especially financial ones. My sis wont talk to me says I should be over it by now. Just absolutely gutted.

Bigpooh - i can't believe your sister thinks you should be 'over it'! I am EIGHT YEARS the other side of my DH leaving me and the scars run so deep that I will, in some ways, never be 'over it'. In other ways I am completely healed and happy, but there are some things that can still set me off, although now they are rare.

I am also grateful that mine left me in the summer, but the previous Christmas he'd spent moaning about how awful Christmas was, how much there was to do and spend and how he wanted to go home (and be doted on by his family rather than having to pull his weight around the house). It's amazing how a bit of distance helps you to see them with a touch more reality, rather than as the perfect partner and husband which is the person you miss.

Hugs, and my heart goes out to you all at this time of year.

@Bigpooh13 and @Zaphodsotherhead. Perhaps other people, especially family, find the pain too much to take so want you to be over it quicker than is healthy. My sister struggles with the emotion of the situation and can sometimes say things that are unhelpful. This time of year is so difficult but we have no choice but to plough on. Take care everyone, and stay strong 💪

Thank you. I think your right. It's something that they cant fix and have no idea how it feels. All the memories hurts so much.

You are all capturing it so well - the disbelief, the grief.

What I discovered is that once the switch goes off, it is OFF.

Essentially they never connected. We are replaceable. Get rid of that, slot in new (there is always a new).

Our grief means we connected. We loved.

Now? The children have to deal with his selfishness and thoughtlessness (and all the new instant happy families he suddenly produces).

And as they are getting older and more financially independent, they are starting to reject him.
It is definitely tied to financial independence.

I just remain so sad that his family was not enough. That he could not find joy in family and friends (he has no friends. As I became separated, friends let me know they thought he was a chop/cold/knob).

@Fidgetliz I am so sorry to read your post as I have been where you are . The shock that comes with it being unexpected is horrendous and I won't lie - lasts a long time . You are floored - paralysed but at the same time fearful of what is going to happen to you - how will I live money wise ? Where will I live ? What is going to happen to me ? Am I going to be old and die alone ? Unless you have been there you cannot know the sheer amount that goes through your head . Each time you wake you relive it all again - when you can sleep that is . Believe me when I say you will get through this and it will not hurt like this forever . Get a hold of the book "Runaway Husbands" and read it . It will help . eg you will realise that there is no point or value in getting them to explain themselves . Once you get into the divorce process you will find that you get a bit of reassurance . Do tell people - people are amazingly kind at times like this and believe me again, everyone has their own shit . I never in a million years thought I would get divorced . Now I barely know anyone who is still married to their original H . I had about 2 years of divorce activity and getting things settled . I am now married to a man who literally adores me and likewise . I now realise what I was missing all those years . Relationships just sometimes run their course but many men - your H included - don't have the guts to talk like adults - they run . It is shameless . Don't worry too much about money - you will be entitled to at least 50% of his pension ( if he has one ) or 50% of savings and equity as yours is a long marriage . Prepare yourself . Buy a good book like "Family Law Made Simple - Marriage, Divorce, Children, Separation and The Legal System ". Knowledge is your power now.

Just a quick comment as I head to ‘home’ after a weekend away. The support from others on here is wonderful. I feel much less alone, I feel understood, and I am so glad that I found this thread.

@MrsPeakyBlinders everything you have said is exactly how I’m feeling. The shock is beginning to wear off and I have some amazing friends and family who are helping, even my in laws can’t believe it. I’m trying to keep busy and had a productive morning chucking stuff away. He has a very good pension as he earns so much more me. I know we will have to sell the house but as we haven’t spent much money on it in recent years, I’m worried no one will want to buy it. Thanks to everyone for their support xx

Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of support for those of you going through this hell right now.

My husband left me after 21 years of what had seemed a happy marriage - no fighting, no discussion of him not being happy, no trying to fix it, other than a fake two months after I discovered the OW, while he continued with his affair. He told me I had never truly been 'the one' and apparently he had always felt a gap.....

It was completely agonizing at the time, as you are experiencing now..... the whole of life and your belief in what is true and good turned upside down.

I hope it is useful to tell you there IS life after, though.

Three years on I can honestly say I am happier than I ever was in my marriage. Great therapy helped me learn a lot about myself, my relationship patterns, and heal my wounds. I came to realize how much I had lost my sense of self through a marriage to someone who I now realize I was bending around. It has been a joy to reinvent myself for myself. And I am now also with a man who loves me far better than my husband ever did and makes me truly happy.

Take one step at a time. Be kind to yourselves, let yourself feel everything you need to, so it doesn't get trapped and fester, and you will get to a brighter future.....

I am sending hugs

Goldie x

Thanks. I really dont think I'm gonna get through this. I made myself go out last night n absolutely hated it. Too many memories. Friends still shocked and cant understand why he left and definitely to leave me for this woman he is with now. He came around in friday and it's so hard.

@Bigpooh13

Trust me we have all felt like that in your situation . Many of us just feel as if we don't want to go on , wish that we could just fall asleep and not wake up with the pain ... I too started a new social life in those first few months and I would literally come home crying . It was just too much , too soon . So I kept myself busy for a while and just started establishing my new life and patterns . Eventually I started to do online dating and met my now H . I said I would never live with a man again or get married yet here I am the happiest I have ever been . Take your time . The less you see them the easier it gets.

I feel embarrassed that I lost him. Never expected it. I dont know how to go on without him. But thank you seeing how people do come out the other side does give some comfort.

@MrsPeakyBlinders and @BraveGoldie, thank you so much for your encouraging, hopeful messages. It is good to know that we will come out the other side of this and in a better place. @Bigpooh13, we are supporting you. Expect that there will be wobbles and really hard times, with better times to come.

It's hard to think all the memories and times together are gone. We worked together and had so much fun. Laughing n joking . Then his 2nd wife appears and it's all gone

@Bigpooh13 I have put a note about solicitors on your own thread. Please check it out.

Bunnies, hope you are ok

Bumping, hoping for an update from Bunnies.

Solicitor on board. Letter this week. Never thought I would be doing this. Told him to leave me alone today. So its progress but dont like it.

I went to see a solicitor yesterday for advice after everyone told me I should see one. Went a bit over my head but I made loads of notes at least I’m prepared now when we have to sit and talk money. It just seems so overwhelming and expensive.

@Bigpooh13 and @Fidgetliz well done on getting things moving.

Hi all, much love & strength to you all. I'm hating reading all the sadness and pain on here but the positive support and kindness is just amazing.

Unicorn & Shin, am definitely going to stay away from phone communication.

Superb – I do think it’s hugely unfair that we’ve had no say in the matter, but get all the heartache. And like you I have absolutely no clue what I’m going to do in the future (long or short term). It is so scary. I was never one for looking massively far ahead, but I knew what shape my future was. I knew what would be in it. Now, it’s just blank. I know I am lucky to have friends etc who will be part of it, but there’s a massive void at the centre.

Fidget, I went out at the weekend and it was nice, but odd. A good thing to do, but I felt very disconnected – sounds like you had similar with your skittles team. I guess (hope) it will keep getting easier.
Bigpooh, sorry about your sister – I agree with others that some people just can’t handle or even visualise the depth of the emotions. Zaphod is right, those scars run deep. I don’t think it’s something you can appreciate until it happens to you. I have a few friends who have been in similar places and I can only hope I was a decent support to them, because I never imagined the absolute tangle of feelings this situation brings. Like you say MrsPeaky, such a lot filling my head.

ScreamingLadySutch, one of my big fears is that H will end up alienating the dc – fear for them, not him, as they do not deserve that.
Thank you BraveGoldie & MrsPeaky too for the encouraging words – it does truly help to hear them, even though it doesn’t seem possible at the moment.

Glad Bigpooh & Fidget that you’ve got things moving. I’ve still not taken the step of seeing solicitor, although I have some numbers to call. I have decided to wait until the New Year, and get Christmas done.

It’s been a hard few days really – kept coming on to post, but couldn’t quite do it. DD’s 18th today – we celebrated last night as she is away today. It was a lovely time and ds was brilliant, but so hard doing it without H – not his physical presence, but his emotional involvement. Very odd moment – we had each bought dd a separate card – only we’d bought the exact same one!

And I have ordered the tackiest, tinselliest fake purple Christmas tree! It is going to look monstrous, but new traditions and all that…

Chocolate Bunnies and all other ladies thanks for the support it’s really helping. Yesterday was one week on from the bombshell but the shock and numbness are still there.
Didn’t really want to see a solicitor so soon but friends and family told me I should. Will not do anything until after the New Year hopefully I will feel stronger then.
The only positive thing that had come out of all of this is I’ve found out the amount of friends I have and how brilliant they’ve all been.
Also bought a fake tree but not put it up yet i’m quite relieved I haven’t got to do the whole decorating the house thing.

Bunnies and Fidgetliz. Thanks for the update. It is good to read that we are all trundling along. As Bunnies says, the positive support and kindness are truly wonderful. When feeling down it is helpful to re-read what has been said here and to feel less alone. I too have reconnected with friends (although I seem to have lost some too). That has been a positive.

I have been keeping myself occupied and going out and about, away for weekends, evenings out. It hasn’t been easy but has been necessary.

Bunnies, your DD’s 18th birthday must have been very difficult. It is strange that you both bought the same card. I guess you both know her really well. Christmas is a struggle and I have decided not to put up decorations. Spending it with family but it will be a very different experience.

Sending kind thoughts to everyone going through these difficult times. x

I told him I cant see him anymore and be his secret. Hes been ringing n texting but ignored him. So hard Miss him so much. But hes gone and I'm still devastated but I cant so it

Today, and particularly this evening are not good. Can't seem to stop crying.

Did talk with H, about dd and some uni stuff. I think he wanted more chat but I was monosyllabic.

People's reactions are beginning to get to me. As more people know they all say how stunned they are and can't understand what he's done.

well, yes, same here! It's not their fault but for some reason the unreality of the situation is hitting me more and more. It just does not seem right that we are not as normal.

I just want my life back. I want my person back.

This is so, so hard.

It is I'm so sorry. When they shocked it's like not as shocked as me. Let yaself cry theres nothing we can do to change it. I'm still crying 5 months now. Still dont understand it. Lost my life and I was happy miss it all to much. Sorry I cant help with words of wisdom. But I will listen to you . I understand