Was this normal funeral behaviour in the 60s?

[Jaggypinecone]

My grandad died in 1960 and apparently my Gran didn't attend his funeral. I asked my mother if she had gone but she had no recollection - she would have been 32 at the time. I am assuming therefore that she didn't go as surely she'd have remembered her own father's funeral.

Reason I'm asking is that my Mum is still a bit peculiar about funerals. She always comes up with an excuse not to go to one, even if it's one of her closest friends, saying oh it's too far etc. etc. She'll only change her mind when she realises that me and my siblings will be attending and she can get a lift there -or realises how bad form it looks if we turn up and she doesn't-

I'm quite sure half the reason weird, even upsetting funeral customs remain in play is because folk tend not to discuss what they want, for fear of upsetting family members who they imagine dont want to talk about death. Its a shame. I think its slowly changing though.

Death is as sure as life and I think it's healthy to be more open about it rather than it hidden away and never discussed.

I was kept away from mum's funeral in 1993. I was 10. We had a memorial thing the next day, but I still think my family did wrong by me. However, my aunt is adamant I must have been there and just blocked out the memory. I haven't. I distinctly remember being at a friends house when I should have been saying goodbye to my mum.

My grandparents were Scottish and we all went to their funerals (inc. graveside) in 1972. From what I gather, that was expected and normal, even for children. Some people avoid anything to do with death though.

Where I'm from (N Ireland) it was definitely the case until fairly recently that women were not 'allowed' at the graveside. I've only been to the graveside about twice despite having been to dozens of funerals over the years. I didn't go to the graveside at my dad's funeral and that was within the past year.

But having said all that, I've never heard of women not attending the service part of a funeral.

Most of the funerals I've attended over the years have been religious services held in the deceased person's own home, although church has become more common in the past few years.

Actually, it's maybe not N Ireland where women didn't go to the graveside, it might be more to do with religious denomination. I have a feeling that women might always have been included in Catholic funerals?

When DGM died in 1982, I was not allowed to go to the grave and DM also did not go. When DM died in 1999, everyone went to the grave. DF was cremated and not many people turned up, as he was rubbish at keeping friends. As others have said, completely the norm in Scotland.

West of Scotland here, i can remember my mum telling me that none of her female (siblings) went to my grans funeral, only the men.
The first time my mum went to the cemetery when her sister died she was really weird about it.

Maybe she just doesn't like funerals? I've never been to one and I never will. I won't even go to my own parents funeral when the times comes. I don't think anyone should make someone go to, or feel guilty for not going to, a funeral.

North east Scotland here and my gran caused a stir by going to her father in law’s funeral in the 1940s, she always did March to her own tune. People say I have a lot of her in me....

I'm in Ireland and I've never heard of it being a thing here. I have heard of people being superstitious of pregnant women going into graveyards.

I'm Irish Catholic and have been to loads of funerals since I was a child. Not as tragic as it sounds, funerals are open invitation and people would travel for miles to attend. The only really sad ones I remember were people who died young or as a child. Whilst older peoples funerals are sad of course the atmosphere was different, a celebration of their life and a salute to their passing.

It is a most commonly a Non-Conformist thing, particularly in Wales, rather than a Roman Catholic thing.
Eg My Dad , his brothers and my brother went to the service at the crematorium for my Grandfather, but I was not allowed. I stayed in the house after the service at home, along with my Grannie, Mother and Aunts. (Wales, 1976)

I'm Welsh. Women historically up to the 90's didn't attend funerals. Church Service/laying out in house and then the wake is about all women would attend. Graveside was very much for men.

To be honest I've never personally seen the fascination with wanting to go to the grave. Like I've visited said dead person in the living room/bedroom/chapel of rest or said goodbye during the church service.

I'm 29 also so not part of the older generation as such but I'll often just hang back with the elderly women of my family and comfort them. Help prepare for the wake, have a cup of tea in the warm than stand in the pissing rain in a graveyard 🤷🏻‍♀️

In my part of the world (cornwall) it’s still more common for men to attend funerals. Women go when it’s close friends or relatives but older men seem to go for distant acquaintances to ‘pay my respects’. The cynic in me says it’s because they like the whiskey and buns afterwards. When my father in law died my mother in law’s house was invaded by swarms of men. It cost ana me and leg to feed and water them, and I thought it was quite an imposition to be honest.

Back in the day, it was notorious that Scots women never went to funerals. There's a Lord Peter Wimsey novel set in the 1930s where this is a plot point.

My grandfather died in 1982 in the Rhondda Valleys. Service was held in the house in Welsh then my mother horrified all the other women by going with my Dad (it was his DF who had passed away) to the grave. It just wasn't done. I wasn't even allowed in the front room where the coffin and the minister was. I was 12.
When my DF died my DC's were 9 and 10 and both came to the church and the gravesite.

On pallbearers, I don't think the weight is so much an issue, rather that it might be a bit awkward if one pallbearer is substantially shorter than the others.

BlackForestCake
A lopsided coffin brings me out in a cold sweat, I'm always waiting on it toppling.
At my mum's funeral her 4dd's and 2ds's all had a cord at the cemetery, I can still remember how heavy it felt.

"They also didn't tell me about my own grandmother's death till after the funeral, "so I wouldn't have to bother". I was abroad at the time but would have liked the option."

I was abroad when my grandfather died. My parents told me not to coming because having to collect me from the airport would have been one more hassle for them. (I could have taken trains and taxis anyway).
I had lots of bad dreams after that, which I attributed to missing the funeral so when my grandmother died I insisted on making the journey and made my own way home all the way.
However, I still got the bad dreams so I realised the dreams are just a way of processing it and nothing to do with whether you attend the funeral or not.

I was 12 when my great-grandmother died. I wasn't allowed to go. My brothers were all younger anyway, but she had stipulated a male-only funeral anyway. She was born under Queen Victoria so makes sense I suppose, plus she didn't like her daughter-in-law.

"When my father in law died my mother in law’s house was invaded by swarms of men. It cost ana me and leg to feed and water them, and I thought it was quite an imposition to be honest."

Sure they weren't free masons? A very male heavy funeral can mean that.

My mother in law's family is a bit like this. She didn't go to her own mother's funeral - as the older sibling, she had to look after the younger one. She's from an old farming family though - apparently it was traditional that women and children didn't go to funerals.

"A wake occurs before a funeral, not after. It's supposed to be the ritual watching-over-the-corpse-before-disposal bit, hence the name - you stay awake to do the watching, sometimes overnight or over a few days."

The meaning has changed now. It's now the 'tea' or refreshments after the funeral. I don't think keeping vigil is very common in the UK any more, maybe still common in Ireland.

"Certainly in Wales it was the case that women didn’t attend funerals, it’s to do with non-conformist tradition. My Grandmother didn’t go to her husband’s funeral or her son’s funeral when he died at the age of 13. I’m pretty sure that when she dies there’ll be an instruction in her will requesting men only at her funeral. Fortunately it’s a dying tradition!"

I'm Welsh too. Despite what I said about my great-grandmother above, one of my grandmothers (who would be over 100 if still alive) was actually a big attender of funerals. She went to the funerals of people she didn't even know that well and wore purple rather than black to those.
I suppose it's usually family who go to the grave anyway, so I don't know if she went to the graveside or not.
We are non-conformists (methodists and congregationalists) and apart from my Victorian great-grandmother I've always known the women in my family to have attended funerals.

Welsh people are big funeral goers generally. I have been to loads, it is considered respectful. Welsh church funerals have usually had women, chapel not always.
Oh and yes, purple for funerals, as well as black.