Was this normal funeral behaviour in the 60s?

[Jaggypinecone]

My grandad died in 1960 and apparently my Gran didn't attend his funeral. I asked my mother if she had gone but she had no recollection - she would have been 32 at the time. I am assuming therefore that she didn't go as surely she'd have remembered her own father's funeral.

Reason I'm asking is that my Mum is still a bit peculiar about funerals. She always comes up with an excuse not to go to one, even if it's one of her closest friends, saying oh it's too far etc. etc. She'll only change her mind when she realises that me and my siblings will be attending and she can get a lift there -or realises how bad form it looks if we turn up and she doesn't-

I remember my neighbour being shocked in 1984 when my dm died that noone stayed at the house whilst the funeral took place.
Idea was you needed someone there to welcome people back afterwards. - it was considered bad luck to come back to an empty house?!

I think funerals are ridiculous and I never want to go to one ever again, but I will because it would upset other people presumably if I didn't. So maybe your mum isn't so peculiar after all. Why should she go?

My mum didn’t go to my grandad’s funeral in the late 70s in Scotland. It was because she was too grief stricken (he died suddenly, during a routine operation, from a blood clot). It wasn’t considered odd, especially as I was about three and she didn’t want to leave me with a sitter as all other family were attending.

It is definitely a thing.

I think traditionally in the past it was just men who would to go to the graveside and and women would attend the wake. Although close family females would be at the graveside too.

Remember Princess Diana's funeral? The males followed the coffin.

Some religions still practice this.

As a child I can remember my dad going funerals of neighbours to represent the family as a matter of respect.

Funerals are ridiculous? What an odd choice of words. I've not been to that many but in most cases they've been well attended and a real help to the deceased's loved ones and connections in coming to terms with what's happened and finding out things they didn't know before (of a positive nature). I'd have been very sorry indeed not to be able to attend the funeral of anyone very close to me. It's a mark of respect and a stage in the grieving process.

I’ve never been aware of this. My granny stayed in the car at her husbands funeral in the 70s but only because she was upset. Southern England.
A great aunt, a catholic nun died recently and it was a very traditional funeral but all were welcome including my toddler dd and all members of the community to the service, the grave, where we were all invited to flick holy water and the wake was the only time we’ve been allowed into the private quarters of the convent.

I don't know why more females don't carry the coffin. My daughter helped to carry her Dad and my DIL, her Mum.

Funerals are ridiculous? What an odd choice of words. I've not been to that many but in most cases they've been well attended and a real help to the deceased's loved ones and connections in coming to terms with what's happened and finding out things they didn't know before (of a positive nature). I'd have been very sorry indeed not to be able to attend the funeral of anyone very close to me. It's a mark of respect and a stage in the grieving process

In my opinion. I'm well aware of how they can help other people, but I personally find them contrived, surreal, an ordeal, and would rather grieve in my own way, truth be told.

I'm from London and attended my great grandmothers funeral in 1979 including the graveside, women certainly attended (church of England)

Nobody should dictate to anyone else how they should grieve. We opted out of much of the 'traditional funeral business' for our parent.

Ps I organise funerals and whilst most pall bearers (both family or professional) are men, there's been a few female family members recently and there's a local funeral Director whose female.

This is all very fascinating. I never knew there were such cultural and religious differences up until fairly recently. I'm not religious but I believe my Granny and Grandad were, church twice on a Sunday kind of thing so that makes a lot of sense. And I'm sure I've been told in the past the wimmin folk stayed behind to prepare the funeral tea. I only just realised that I've no idea if my Grandad was cremated or buried.

We opted out of much of the 'traditional funeral business' for our parent

In fact, it wasn't really a funeral at all. Direct cremation (private) and a buffet a few days later with anone who wanted to come to my house. Aunt was incredulous "But somebody has to SAY something!!" We had a couple of tiny readings, one to make everyone laugh, his favourite music playing. Nothing else.

So what I'm trying to say is, it's fine for someone to be 'peculiar' about funerals. Some people think that funerals are 'peculiar'.

That's interesting @Woeisme1. I've never seen a woman carrying a coffin. I always assumed it was because of the physical strength needed. Now i'm starting to wonder.

In Wales in the late 80s and early 90s women did go to funerals but on a case by case basis to suit families rather than it being a general 'done thing' to go.

A friend of mine was excluded from her own husband's funeral back in the 80s. That was in Wales. I've never heard of this where I come from in the West of England.

My nan doesn't go to funerals, not even her sister's. She made an exception for my DH's, but his was the first one she has gone to since my grandad died in the 70s (and she had to be forced to go to that). She says that she just doesn't like them and that's how it is.

My aunt recently didn’t attend her mother in laws funeral because she “had never liked funerals” so she says she just doesn’t normally go to them. Her parents went- no relation to the dead woman- and her husband and kids went, but she didn’t. Proper weird.

So maybe in some families/communities it’s normal.

I genuinely can't see how she could have been excluded from her husband's funeral. Do you mean that she didn't go so as not to upset other people/customs? I can't really see how anyone could have stopped her if she'd decided she was going - end of.
How awful for her.

Sorry that was in response to Prawn

My mother is very English and non-religious, and she didn’t attend her own father’s funeral, because she just couldn’t cope with it I think. She tends to avoid difficult subjects at any cost, and I think as well as the religion/location reasons mentioned above, some people just can’t deal with the emotion of the whole thing.

I'm from South Wales too and women at funerals is still a touchy subject for the older generation. I've been forbidden from being at the graveside/crematorium at 4 different funerals of people I was close to. I still find it upsetting that I wasn't allowed to say goodbye properly just because I'm a woman.

I don't have experience of this myself, and was amazed when my mum (she's late seventies) told me this used to be the case. It just doesn't seem like something from any British culture? - seems more like something from the Muslim world for example.

What was the logic behind it I wonder? I don't think it could have been any chivalrous idea of protecting more 'emotional and delicate' women, as weren't the women the ones who traditionally laid out the body etc?

contrived, surreal, an ordeal

Maybe the deceased feels that way about their own death.

Funerals are very much the end point. Lots of people probably get the funeral done then continue to grieve privately.

I didn't go to either of my grandparents funerals in the early 70s. As far as I know, my Mum, their daughter didn't go either, because women didn't go to funerals. This was in the Liverpool area

This has confused me. I'm from Liverpool too and when my grandad died in the early '70's, everybody went. Women included.