Was this normal funeral behaviour in the 60s?

[Jaggypinecone]

My grandad died in 1960 and apparently my Gran didn't attend his funeral. I asked my mother if she had gone but she had no recollection - she would have been 32 at the time. I am assuming therefore that she didn't go as surely she'd have remembered her own father's funeral.

Reason I'm asking is that my Mum is still a bit peculiar about funerals. She always comes up with an excuse not to go to one, even if it's one of her closest friends, saying oh it's too far etc. etc. She'll only change her mind when she realises that me and my siblings will be attending and she can get a lift there -or realises how bad form it looks if we turn up and she doesn't-

My grandfather died in 1969 and my gran didn't attend his funeral either. She stayed home and made sandwiches looking after my sister and me.
She didn't even go with Dad on the train to Manchester when his body went back there for burial.
I was only young and wondered why she hadn't gone with all the other family members.

It depends on location and denomination.
There was often a service at the house, as the body may well have stayed there overnight, so the coffin would leave from the house, there would be a service in the house, and then sometimes men only at the graveside .
Were your grandparents Church or Chapel ? Catholic or protestant ? There are different traditions depending on whether your family are English, or Scottish , or Welsh, and depending on where they worshipped.

See I wonder if my nan's dislike for funerals stems more from her upbringing in South Wales now. Her dad died in the war and her mum killed herself when she was a child, so perhaps she had been exposed to funeral customs of the area at an early age and that made her uncomfortable at her husband's funeral, which led to a general dislike of them. Or maybe it is a customary thing and she either doesn't remember or doesn't want us to try to convince her otherwise.

Well losing parents like that must have been incredibly traumatic, so that might be the reason. However in Chapel communities in South Wales often only men would go to the service.

Are you Welsh OP? This used to be common in 'chapel' areas of Wales.

I have family in South Wales. My father often went to funerals, but I always assumed it was because he was the one who had grown up there and actually knew the people. As a child, I thought children weren't allowed to go to funerals, until my grandfather''s when I was 11. It was only Granny, their children and spouses and us grandchildren there. None of his sisters, and I have never known if that was because they were deliberately excluded or it's the Welsh thing. About 30 years later, I was at the funeral of one of his sisters, my great aunt, which was in a Welsh Baptist chapel, and there were plenty of us women there, including the minister, and a cousin who gave the eulogy. That may just reflect changing times, I am not sure.

At the last funeral I went to, they wheeled the coffin in on a sort of hand-bier. There were plenty of people who could have carried it, but this did seem more sensible.

I have obviously never been to a funeral from which women were excluded, but equally, I don't think I have felt excluded from a funeral I would have liked to go to.

@SirVixofVixHall My grandparents were Church of Scotland but pretty ancient with it. Born in late 1890s.

Hearing others' experiences explains a lot. My Mum''s peculiarities are that her excuses for not going don't add up. She'll say it's too far away and that she can't be bothered but they are never more than an hours drive and me or one of my siblings will be driving (and going) anyway. She never seems to want to go because she's genuinely wanting to pay her respects, more that she's seen to be there as it would look more out of place if she wasn't but her children were.

One funeral, of a dear neighbour of over 60 years, she eventually decided to attend but was thwacking me under the table with her walking stick as she was desperate to leave the wake. We hadn't seen the family for a long time and it was lovely to catch up and reminisce but she went to stand at the door to make her point she wanted to leave. She was then saying I had to get back for the kids (I didn't, they were taken care of). It came over as really quite rude.

I think funerals are ridiculous Someone has to make arrangements to dispose of the deceased. I'm interested to know what alternative you suggest?

Someone has to make arrangements to dispose of the deceased. I'm interested to know what alternative you suggest

I arranged a direct cremation of my Dad's body, then a few days later we had a buffet lunch at home. This suited us all perfectly. You don't need a funeral at all.

That should have said: "You don't need a funeral at all, if you / family choose not to have one"

I agree very much with ThreeLittleDots. I think that no family member should ever be excluded from attending a relative's funeral, whatever their sex, but that funerals aren't really that important.

I've never believed that you have to be 'in church' to speak to god if you believe in them and likewise, you don't have to be wearing black and publicly attending a funeral to 'say goodbye' either.

Everybody should grieve however they like - without comment or opinion of other people. Family trumps everybody else too.

My Grandma died in 1969 , my mum didnt attend because she was told women were not invited , however I have seen photos of the day and my Aunts were there . This was in Devon

But to me that's still a funeral ThreeLittleDots, just a private one.

JaneJeffer Wed 30-Oct-19 16:38:11
I think funerals are ridiculous Someone has to make arrangements to dispose of the deceased. I'm interested to know what alternative you suggest?

Funerals are for the living , most people find that attending a funeral brings them comfort and closure
To say funerals are ridiculous in my opinion is a lack of respect for the person that has died , and it is the last thing you can do for that person

But to me that's still a funeral ThreeLittleDots, just a private one

Which bit? Nobody attended the cremation, and the buffet could be seen as the 'wake' most people have afterwards?

Yeah, I agree that what ThreeLittleDots describes is a funeral - a limited timespan that includes disposing of the corpse and welcoming mourners who wish to gather after that disposal.

It's just a non religious, private funeral. Some funerals include more bells and whistles / incense and prayers/ etc but that isnt what makes a funeral in itself.

To say funerals are ridiculous in my opinion is a lack of respect for the person that has died , and it is the last thing you can do for that person

It is my opinion that funerals are ridiculous. My Dad didn't want a funeral. How dare you tell me I had a lack of respect for him!!

That annoyed me too, ThreeLittleDots, but some people do love to impose their views on others as the 'right thing to do'.

A wake occurs before a funeral, not after. It's supposed to be the ritual watching-over-the-corpse-before-disposal bit, hence the name - you stay awake to do the watching, sometimes overnight or over a few days.

Gathering after disposal of corpse = funeral, or funerary reception.

When I lived in South Wales in the 1970s, it was customary for women not to attend funerals. I believe that has changed though over the last forty years or so.

In the 1990s, I worked for a law firm and when one of our major clients died, we sent the lawyer who had worked most with him to represent the firm at his funeral. The client was Romany and my colleague spent the afternoon in the kitchen!

That's interesting rvby , we called the buffet bit - which could even have been a week or more after I collected the ashes - a 'gathering'.

To us it wasn't a funeral whatsoever, definition:-

a ceremony or service held shortly after a person's death, usually including the person's burial or cremation

We said a couple of poems but there wasn't really anything ceremonial about it.

I think any funeral (or not) is entirely up to what the wishes of the deceased were and their family. I find it's one of those things best discussed in advance.

When my father died he left his body to medical science. My mother would have walked out the hospital and closed the door behind her and done nothing. But we, his children needed some sort of closure to help our grieving process. We had a memorial service in a local hall with some nosh. It was humanist and very personal and moving. Lots of people came and this confirmed how well liked he had been. I couldn't have just seen him gone without marking his passing somehow.

My mother is also leaving her body to medical science. She doesn't want a funeral at all but for family only to have a meal in her name. I'm ok with this as she's expressly wished it. My father hadn't specified one way or another so we felt it was the right thing to do.

Those sound perfect Jaggypinecone - I wish more people felt free to mark (or not) someone's death in more person-centred ways.

My gran went to my grandad's funeral, in 1966. My other gran went to her child's funeral (along with her four son's and four of her daughters) in 1937. We're London based. I've never heard of any woman in our family not attending a funeral.

I agree with that, Jaggypinecone, getting somebody's wishes clear is really very important and so underdone.