Open marriage issues

[Dimpse35]

Hello,

I'm in such a mess and it's my own fault. Excuse any typos - I wrote this in a flurry.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years, two of which have been in an open arrangement. Despite having two kids we opted to embark on an open marriage. We both have good jobs, lead comfortable lives and have a great social circle. I feel the demise of our marriage is due to the aforementioned and I can't help but regret and feel remorse for agreeing to it in the first place. Admittedly, we are both sexually "out there" and have enjoyed events such as "Killing Kittens" and "Torture Garden". Our sex life is far from dull and we have both enjoyed pushing the norms when it comes to sex. There's never been any issues in our sex life as we have always been open. I do feel my husband has always been the one to mildly coerce me into these sexual circles.

The initial year into our open marriage we would find like-minded couples who were looking for the same thing as us. Yes, it was great at first, but I couldn't help but question why I was doing this. There were many occasions I felt like this, but I continued to partake as I didn't want to create an issue because I was feeling insecure. After the initial few months, I relaxed into the setup and was equally as enthusiastic as he was. I loved it. The second year into our open marriage we decided not to play with one another, but play alone. I wasn't phased by this whatsoever and agreed to it. We would both fly out to meet other couples to have sex with. It became the norm. The fact I was going to these events with another man just became second nature to me and I never saw it as a problem.

Earlier this year, my partner and I had a discussion at length, to which he admitted he wanted to return to being exclusive. We both agreed to remain exclusive to one another. A few months after this discussion I confessed to my partner I missed the fun and frolics of our past open relationship, to which he casually dismissed. He just said I was going through a "phase" and ended the conversation.

I've grown increasingly annoyed with him and ended up meeting a few men from the aforementioned events. Our sex life has suffered and our marriage feels incredibly strained. I don't have the guts to tell him I've been sleeping with other men. A part of me resents myself and my partner for opting for an open marriage and enjoying the "lavish life". It's ended up in me detaching myself from him as I can't bare to be around him any longer. I often sleep in the annexe, far away from him as possible and cry myself to sleep. My emotions have become overbearing and I just can't shake myself out of it. I'm still seeing other men behind his back, which adds salt to the wound and makes me feel even worse.

I honestly don't know how to overcome this obstacle. I have thought about seeing a therapist about my addiction with sleeping with other men. It would kill my partner if I told him I was having affairs with numerous men. I don't want to destroy our family.

Hi Dimpse35 it sounds like he’s got it out of his system, whilst it’s left you confused, wanting more, but not wanting more.
It is damaging to relationships when you play away, as you’ve found out. I think either you both start swinging with other couples, or you yourself go cold turkey.

I was in a similar boat as you and going cold turkey was my answer, it was boring but as an addict to sex, or addict to anything, it’s the only answer as a cure.

There are groups you can join which might help you too.

Thank you so much for response Packit.

I know it's bad and that's what's killing me inside. I feel like an awful person. I wish I had the backbone to put an end to it from the outset. My partner said he never wants indulge in that area ever again. I did try going cold turkey but I failed. I get upset, lick my wounds by having sex with someone else. It's never ending.

How did you manage to go cold turkey?

Women have unfair advantage in this scenario. It's a million times easier for a woman to find partners for casual sex than it is for men. Your hubby is probably frustrated that it takes so much effort for so little gain and therefore learned to appreciate traditional monogamous set up more than ever before.

Why don't you talk to your hubby saying that you are still interested in non-monogamous relationship and see where that leads you? You already had open and honest discussions that most people can't even imagine having. Why not have one more? There might be a compromise to be found that suits both of you.

I'm saying this from experience of 15y of open relationship, swinging and so on, similar experiences to yours basically. Like any other relationships, open relationships have ups and downs but I wouldn't rush to throw away all the good stuff that you have.

Thank you so much, isitchristmas

I wonder if he did/does appreciate me as it's always been an amazingly easy ride. I'm not subservient, I'm just easy going. I just went along with everything. I mean, let's face it ... How many of us are open to pimping ourselves out the way I have.

I guess I could mention the idea of being open once again, but I know he's going to shut me. I can't help but feel I'll be the one to destroy the marriage. Perhaps it's just best I come clean about everything as I don't think I can hide it much longer. He's eventually going to realise something is going on with me. I don't even know if I even love him to be honest with you.

I think the open relationship aspect is a red herring. You don’t love him and it certainly doesn’t sound as though you like him or respect him. Those are your problems and I suspect that being able to see other people has just been a useful sticking plaster which meant you didn’t have to concentrate too much on what’s actually wrong with your marriage.

Why are you together? You say you don’t want to break up your family, but your DC will know full well that their parents are miserable and sense the tension and irritableness in the home. You can be great parents separately.

Wait hang on - it was his idea to open it, and now he's decided he wants to stop, you just have to lump it because it's just a phase?

No. No no no no no. It's like he has completely disregarded what you wanted all along and now you're actually happy in the open arrangement he wants to close it again? Cheeky manipulative bastard. I'd tell him to fuck off.

To he clear - this is on him, not you. He knew what he was doing, don't let him make you feel guilty about this.

I'm in the kink community and I see men pulling this shit all the time.

I 'm in the kink community and I see men pulling this shit all the time

Same. So much of it is about male desire.

I totally agree with the two pp's above. I too am in the kink community and it always seems to be about the bloke, never about what the female in the relationship wants. He doesn't just get to decide things on your behalf without question. No.

You have power here. You know what you want, and frankly it doesn't sound like it's him. You can decide how you want your future to look like. It's not all about him.

I think you are getting an easy ride here...

You both agreed to open the relationship and you both agreed to close it.

A few months after this discussion I confessed to my partner I missed the fun and frolics of our past open relationship, to which he casually dismissed.

Yeah- I don’t think that gives you free reign to cheat. When you said you “missed” your open relationship, were you clear that you basically couldn’t do monogamy? I bet not

Your husband opened a Pandora’s box - No doubt- but let’s not pretend you are a victim here.

Thanks, Comptesse

I have fell out of love with him and it's beginning to show. I've been consoling myself by spending time with other men to get away from the situation. The things I used to love about him, I now dislike and become irritated about.

I honestly don't know why we're together. I planned to speak to him last night, but he was in a terrible mood. I plan to speak to him later today. We are great parents, but I'll never forgive myself for splitting up the household.

Thanks, penisbeakers

Yes, it was his idea and I agreed to it. More fool me. I didn't just didn't see ourselves getting into this mess. Honestly, I would have been just as happy being monogamous. I'm not going to act innocent, say I was pressurised and play the victim as I said yes. He's immediately closed a very big chapter in our marriage and swept it under the carpet as if it never happened. It's just unfair. We were meeting other couples and then it all stopped at his will. No consideration went into my feelings whatsoever, as if it's the done thing for me to do.

Cheers, Nerdy.

That's my stance on the whole matter to be honest. I'm honestly disappointed in his behaviour and I felt scorned when I mentioned how I was feeling. He made me out to be this sex fiend as opposed to be a loving and caring wife.

An easy ride @ Frosty?

I'm not here to play the victim, you don't need to remind me I agreed to it. I'm fully aware of that.

I was very clear about my feelings about returning back to an exclusive relationship. I was very open. It was my partner who didn't want to talk about it. Being in an open marriage to going back to being exclusive requires talks at length to ensure both parties are happy. We never had this because he no longer thought it was appropriate. What was I to do? Shut my emotions down, be a good wife and suppress my own feelings while he dictates our marriage?

If your are sleeping in the north wing, i guess he knows all is not well.

Time to end your marriage. Out of interest did he ever tell you why he wanted to become monogamous ?

The PP's made a great point, but:-

'I get upset, lick my wounds by having sex with someone else.'

Arguably this isn't healthy, using sex to help make yourself feel better. I've done a fair bit of swinging etc, so I know it maybe doesn't feel like it, but every time you have a new partner or don't know much about a partner, you're putting yourself at risk.

You're putting yourself at risk of both STI's (even if you use condoms) and of rape or other crimes.

Your emotional state is putting you at risk, and people are effectively (whether it feels like it or not) taking advantage of your vulnerability.

Therapy might help you look into things further.

This isn't a value judgement or anything, I've probably done stuff for similar reasons in the past, and isn't to say you should settle for just your husband if that's not enough for you.

Hugs xxxxx

You've fallen out of love with him.

I'm not sure overanalysing your sex life and previous lifestyle is useful. The simple fact is you no longer want to be with him.

You need to stop having sex (cheating) with other men until you have this sorted. You have children, that you will co-parent fur a long time, you need to end the marriage as amicably as possible.

Just keep your pants on until you have both sorted it out like a responsible adults.

I've seen similar a few times where women introduced to swinging or open marriages are initially cautious and wary but find they enjoy it and get more from it than their man , who can be surprised and unsettled by their partner's appetite for it . Men are often unaware of the depth and sexual drive of their partners, and whilst happy to have sex with other women see the ease and attention their partners get as threatening and demoralising.

What a load of rubbish.

You would have been just as happy being monogamous?

At the end of the day, you both agreed to this, and it is you - not him - that wants to go around fucking as many men as you can.

Don't go looking for any sympathy here - you are definitely not a victim.

Women have unfair advantage in this scenario. It's a million times easier for a woman to find partners for casual sex than it is for men. Your hubby is probably frustrated that it takes so much effort for so little gain and therefore learned to appreciate traditional monogamous set up more than ever before.

Unfair advantage? When women are the ones who could fall pregnant who are more likely to contract a sexual disease from men rather than vice versa due to anatomy etc.Theyre also more likely to experience discomfort during sex if they're not super aroused than vice versa and more likely to be coerced than vice versa due to physical strength etc.

Aside from.that point - I have zero sympathy for your husband, I can well imagine you being "mildly coerced" .. open marriages, swinging etc so often seem to be at the instigation of the male, who fancied fulfilling his sexual fantasies ... Then he learns that monogamy isn't quite the ball and chain on him and his expected sexual exploits that he thinks it is; because men will always always have less opportunities for sex than women (unless they pay) .. monogamy has actually helped modern man immensely, previously noone but the minority of alpha men even got to reproduce. Modern men are conveniently unaware of that and rather laughably think they're tied down into monogamy, how awful for them.

If you don't want to be with him anymore, probably best to split. Or tell him you don't want to return to a monogamous relationship and let him make the decision.

Pity he didn't realise hard dick is just about the cheapest, most available resource on the planet before he decided to go chasing his fantasies.

I think he knows there's something going on @Wherearemymarbles. I've became very distant with him. I don't want to be near him, I don't want him to touch me. I just don't enjoy being in his presence. The only time we come together is when we're with our little one. Even when that's the case, I rather take our kids out of the environment.

He only ever said he didn't think our open marriage was appropriate. I'd probe, ask why and he would shut me down.

Thanks so much @Interestedwoman. I know what I'm doing isn't right and I'm aware of STIs ect. I test on a regular basis and always practice safe sex. I can't bring myself to have sex with my husband nowadays as the thought of being intimate with him makes me sick.

Ultimately, it's either therapy, counseling or a straight up divorce. Even if I was to confess, I know he'd never forgive me. I have to accept the fact we both destroyed our marriage.

Whatever happened in the past the bald fact is that he instigated an open relationship, you continued with it and he chose not to.

He can’t really open Pandora’s box and then expect to demand when it shuts.

Aside from allowing yourself to be coerced into swinging, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong really. Although your current use of sex to cheer yourself up doesn’t sound healthy.

@penisbeakers I am in that community too and my ex started acting that way trying to dictate who he was happy for me to see so I ended it. I agree with you completely, he can't just decide to start and end things because that is what he wants. Tell him you still want to meet and continue to do so. There is no shame whatsoever in wanting to continue.

Btw you wouldn’t be responsible for breaking up the family, that die was cast when he chose to swing.