Open marriage issues

[Dimpse35]

Hello,

I'm in such a mess and it's my own fault. Excuse any typos - I wrote this in a flurry.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years, two of which have been in an open arrangement. Despite having two kids we opted to embark on an open marriage. We both have good jobs, lead comfortable lives and have a great social circle. I feel the demise of our marriage is due to the aforementioned and I can't help but regret and feel remorse for agreeing to it in the first place. Admittedly, we are both sexually "out there" and have enjoyed events such as "Killing Kittens" and "Torture Garden". Our sex life is far from dull and we have both enjoyed pushing the norms when it comes to sex. There's never been any issues in our sex life as we have always been open. I do feel my husband has always been the one to mildly coerce me into these sexual circles.

The initial year into our open marriage we would find like-minded couples who were looking for the same thing as us. Yes, it was great at first, but I couldn't help but question why I was doing this. There were many occasions I felt like this, but I continued to partake as I didn't want to create an issue because I was feeling insecure. After the initial few months, I relaxed into the setup and was equally as enthusiastic as he was. I loved it. The second year into our open marriage we decided not to play with one another, but play alone. I wasn't phased by this whatsoever and agreed to it. We would both fly out to meet other couples to have sex with. It became the norm. The fact I was going to these events with another man just became second nature to me and I never saw it as a problem.

Earlier this year, my partner and I had a discussion at length, to which he admitted he wanted to return to being exclusive. We both agreed to remain exclusive to one another. A few months after this discussion I confessed to my partner I missed the fun and frolics of our past open relationship, to which he casually dismissed. He just said I was going through a "phase" and ended the conversation.

I've grown increasingly annoyed with him and ended up meeting a few men from the aforementioned events. Our sex life has suffered and our marriage feels incredibly strained. I don't have the guts to tell him I've been sleeping with other men. A part of me resents myself and my partner for opting for an open marriage and enjoying the "lavish life". It's ended up in me detaching myself from him as I can't bare to be around him any longer. I often sleep in the annexe, far away from him as possible and cry myself to sleep. My emotions have become overbearing and I just can't shake myself out of it. I'm still seeing other men behind his back, which adds salt to the wound and makes me feel even worse.

I honestly don't know how to overcome this obstacle. I have thought about seeing a therapist about my addiction with sleeping with other men. It would kill my partner if I told him I was having affairs with numerous men. I don't want to destroy our family.

It's not rubbish. It's real life @crestar. I'm not portraying to be victim as I know it takes two to tango. I've made this very clear from the outset.

I would have been very happy being monogamous. Yes, we had our kinks but we remained exclusive. Well, he clearly he wanted to sleep with as many women as he could? He suggested it after all. I agreed to it but I never instigated it. Why should I persecuted if want to do the same? It's him as much as myself - we're a partnership after all.

Are you cross with him for not feeling as if you were enough in the first place? Sounds as if you were initially a bit unsure and you have now got used to using men other than your husband to feel attractive/desirable etc. Many of us, I'd imagine, also experience a bit of a yearning to feel sexy and desirable again after children too. I certainly felt less sexy and like I was a bit of a domestic drudge within my marriage for a while - I talked about this with my DH and things are now miles better. Having an open marriage arrangement again would only allow you to get that from someone else. It is clear that your husband would not support that, so the question is whether you can ever get to a place where you might be able to get that from your husband and whether he is prepared to invest in this? Would be nice for you if your husband actually acted like he wanted to be monogamous because what he really wanted was a fully satisfying sex life with you, rather than because he doesn't think it is appropriate with children, or because it is too much effort to go to now.

My thoughts exactly @ginandbearit. He never displayed he was uncomfortable about me being with other men. In fact, he would tell me it made our sex life better. Perhaps I've should I've pieced the puzzle together when we started having separate sexual encounters. I guess he didn't want to witness me having sex with others ...

I have @purplepalace, I just want to leave him. I've been overanalysing the relationship because I need to know where it all went tits up. He won't give me the closure I need in order to move forward. He's not willing to discuss anything with me, so I've shut up shop and sought affection elsewhere. I shouldn't have said yes in the first place and I regret it. He made me believe everything would be just fine. I was a fool to take it all in!

My thoughts exactly @TatianaLarina. I shouldn't allow him to dictate our relationship. This is what makes me furious. He won't tell me why he wanted to end it. I feel like a whore for asking the question and he looks at me like I'm a sex pest.

The encounters don't heal the upset, I do it to get away from him and forget about it all. The men I do meet are all in open marriages and they fail to understand why he's acting like this.

Your husband is a fool. What on earth did he think would happen in the circumstances? Probably that he had a desirable wife, had his ego massaged because she was so hot, but ultimately he had to be best at being having sex with you? That is soft in the head. He never thought that you might actively enjoy different men other than him. Fool.

You can’t close a marriage that has been opened.

Perhaps I've should I've pieced the puzzle together when we started having separate sexual encounters. I guess he didn't want to witness me having sex with others ...

I don’t see why you should have been expected to guess that - it may not be the reason anyway. He may simply have preferred to enjoy other women in private.

If it were the case, it was on him to mention to you he was having issues with it.

I agree with @LexMitior

I'm very cross with him @thetoddleratemyhomework because he's become to abrasive about the whole setup. I've never ever felt secure about our marriage till this came about. I'm rather confident, playful and flirty. I bounced back to good shape after the kids and maintained my figure throughout the relationship. Admittedly, he did him let himself "go" throughout the relationship, but this never bothered me as I was happy with him. Honestly, I'm starting to feel like he used me as a pimping tool from the outset to fulfill he desires. I guess he wasn't expecting me to enjoy it so much. Am I to blame for this?

My husband has become selfish, he's not willing to have a discussion and opts to ignore how I'm feeling. I want him out of my life, but I can't bring myself to split up the household.

Have to agree with the others, those trying to blame him are being ridiculous . you both agreed to an open marriage and you than both agreed to stopping it. By going back on your word you are now cheating and dont try and blame your actions on him. You say you are not being a victim but you are if you are saying he is at fault for you cheating.
It takes maturity trust and love to have an open marriage and you dont seem to have any of these things

'I know what I'm doing isn't right and I'm aware of STIs ect. I test on a regular basis and always practice safe sex.'

I didn't primarily mean this aspect, I assumed/hoped you would be practicing safe sex.

My main point was some of the time you don't know these guys, or at least don't know them well. Rape is often from a friend/acquaintance, so women don't really have a way of knowing which men are dodgy, but this stuff you're doing has a higher risk of rape and assault etc as you don't know them at all sometimes. You are putting yourself at risk in that respect.

Some guys take advantage of a woman having an illicit relationship, as they think her keeping her activities secret means she'll be less likely to report or tell anyone about a crime.

You might think that if you're up for sex a bloke can't rape you, but some men will still find ways to rape or hurt you, because some of them get off on that unfortunately :(

I swear, one of them deliberately pinched my clit! For no reason except he could, and he got off on the fact that he could inflict pain.

Another was an acquaintance I met up with for casual sex- he deliberately didn't put a condom on when I'd only consented to sex with one, and had handed him one (rape.) On another occasion, I'd been running around frantically doing housework before he arrived, so wanted to sit down and have a glass of wine to relax before we did anything. He was a much bigger guy than me. He grabbed my legs and held them so I couldn't move. He tried to stick him self in me and I said no to him 4 times before he eventually succeeded. He knew he didn't have to do that as I'dve been up for sex in a few minutes- he did it because he got off on it. That I was meeting him without my partner's knowledge I imagine was something else he took advantage of, thinking I'd be less likely to report.

Because I also agreed to sex with him, the police said no jury in the land would convict him. This was regardless of the 'cup of tea test'- you can want a cup of tea some times, but not at others, and sex and sexual consent are the same. Plus it was violent/he used physical force in that I couldn't get away.

@TarMcAdam

You do realise the first and last sentence in your post directly contradict each other, and therefore the entire point you were trying to make?

@LexMitior 'You can’t close a marriage that has been opened.'

Of course you can, it simply has to have both partners happy to not doing that stuff anymore. I imagine a fair few couples try swinging etc or whatever, then decide it isn't for them, at least for a while.

OP, if you and your husband can't agree to the type of relationship you want, then I think there's no alternative to you going your separate ways.

You haven't been clear about how much you've said you're not happy yet- most of the time you describe it as if you're doing it secretly. If you haven't told him how you want things, you have no reason to know 100% how he will react. You need to tell him how you feel (again? :/) if you want to be with him at all. If you don't want to be with him even if he were to agree to an open relationship, then you need to end it and move on to do what you want to do. xx

My husband has become selfish, he's not willing to have a discussion and opts to ignore how I'm feeling. I want him out of my life, but I can't bring myself to split up the household.

Well, he always was selfish that’s partly the problem.

Because I also agreed to sex with him, the police said no jury in the land would convict him. This was regardless of the 'cup of tea test'- you can want a cup of tea some times, but not at others, and sex and sexual consent are the same. Plus it was violent/he used physical force in that I couldn't get away.

What the police said is complete bollocks. Even the police know you can consent to sex in principle, and then be raped.

I think it’s more likely that they know the rape myths jurors tend to subscribe to around women’s sexual behaviour would make it very difficult to get a conviction.

Take the history out of it

You cant stand the thought of him touching or having sex with you. Thats the end of the marriage right there.

You dont seem to like or love your partner and are clinging on to the past. He is far from blameless but he at least deserves your honesty about seeing others.

@LexMitior I feel like he steered us into that direction because he fancied something new in the relationship. He hasn't considered how I felt about calling it a day. Before we embarked upon an open marriage I told him it may not be so easy to end. It doesn't take a genius to work that one out.

I can’t believe he’s getting the blame here

You have constantly blamed him. Saying he coerced you into it I’m sorry but no - you CHOSE to join in. He didn’t force you to repeatedly sleep with lots of men. You have a voice and you could’ve said no.. unless you trot out the “oh he’s abusive” line that gets thrown around far too much on here

Take responsibility for your own actions OP. You chose to take part. You also chose to stop taking part.. and you also then chose to start shagging men behind his back. Don’t blame him for any of this.

You’re a grown woman. If you aren’t happy and want to be shagging lots of men then end the marriage. But do not hold him responsible.

@Interestedwoman I'm so sorry to hear of of your past experiences. Thank you for your advice. I hope I haven't cultivated the emotions from those experiences. If so, I apologise.

Over the last few months I've been very concise with how I'm feeling about everything. We had a discussion surrounding the fast we put an end to the frolics very abruptly, with little no warning at his will. I've gone as far to tell him I don't think it's wise to go back to being monogamous because the dynamics have changed. I think he knows this, hence why he refuses to talk to me about it. I just want him to open up and tell me why he thought this would be the best path for us to take. He just says "you're going through a withdrawal phase and it'll come to an end". Too much has happened now. I can't be in a monogamous relationship with him. I'm going to have to tell him. Goodness, its going to be a mess ...

@Wherearemymarbles I just don't know how to tell him I want to put an end to our marriage. Yes, he deserves the truth, but I need closure from him too. I'm certain there's something he's not telling me and I've trying to get to the bottom of it.

@Loveablers It's not your place to say other users use the word "abuse" too much. Please respect the feelings of others.

I've clearly said it takes two people to tango. However, in my case .. I do blame my husband. Yes, I agreed to it, but he steered us into an open marriage. I could have said no but I didn't. I had my reservations, however, I didn't want to create a problem which wasn't there. Is it wrong that I actually enjoy being in an open marriage? I like it and it's simple as that. If WE had not chosen to go ahead with the open marriage I wouldn't be in the predicament. Our behaviour has led us to this. If the shoe was on the other foot, with my husband enjoying a healthy open marriage, I would understand. It's not easy to just close the lid on situations like this. My husband or I just can't pretend we've always been exclusive and that's exactly what he's doing.

Dimpse35 - i wonder if he's had an encounter that has left him shaken? Maybe an STI scare and thats why he's suddenly decided to stop swinging? Tbh that's seems to be the only reason i can think of for his about turn. Obviously he's as jealous as all hell too, that you're getting so much more attention than him.

If you still fancied and wanted to have sex with him do you think you would be still wanting to seeing others?

I dont see a problem with him changing his mind but I can see him not explaining why is a huge issue

@NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy I literally have no idea. His responses to my questions were just so vague. "it's best this way", "it's better for our marriage" are not graphic enough. I know he's hiding something and this is huge driving factor as to why I'm all over the place with my emotions. I've always received a lot more attention than him, though that's to be expected as women normally do in these situations. He's never said whether it's bothered him either. It's always been something he's encouraged.

STOP saying you split the household. Yes you went on to enjoy it and you now realise you can't give it up, but he is complicit, he wanted to have his cake and eat it, and now he wants to stop everything expecting you to be all compliant and falling into line with him.

No.

That's not how shit works.

You've now realised what you want from relationships, and yes there are plenty of people with open marriages and polyamorous relationships that raise children in a healthy and stable environment. So don't think that's not possible because it is. If your marriage is ending that doesn't mean you can't have the things you want and not be a good parent, I imagine that's the shit he will throw at you next.