Open marriage issues

[Dimpse35]

Hello,

I'm in such a mess and it's my own fault. Excuse any typos - I wrote this in a flurry.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years, two of which have been in an open arrangement. Despite having two kids we opted to embark on an open marriage. We both have good jobs, lead comfortable lives and have a great social circle. I feel the demise of our marriage is due to the aforementioned and I can't help but regret and feel remorse for agreeing to it in the first place. Admittedly, we are both sexually "out there" and have enjoyed events such as "Killing Kittens" and "Torture Garden". Our sex life is far from dull and we have both enjoyed pushing the norms when it comes to sex. There's never been any issues in our sex life as we have always been open. I do feel my husband has always been the one to mildly coerce me into these sexual circles.

The initial year into our open marriage we would find like-minded couples who were looking for the same thing as us. Yes, it was great at first, but I couldn't help but question why I was doing this. There were many occasions I felt like this, but I continued to partake as I didn't want to create an issue because I was feeling insecure. After the initial few months, I relaxed into the setup and was equally as enthusiastic as he was. I loved it. The second year into our open marriage we decided not to play with one another, but play alone. I wasn't phased by this whatsoever and agreed to it. We would both fly out to meet other couples to have sex with. It became the norm. The fact I was going to these events with another man just became second nature to me and I never saw it as a problem.

Earlier this year, my partner and I had a discussion at length, to which he admitted he wanted to return to being exclusive. We both agreed to remain exclusive to one another. A few months after this discussion I confessed to my partner I missed the fun and frolics of our past open relationship, to which he casually dismissed. He just said I was going through a "phase" and ended the conversation.

I've grown increasingly annoyed with him and ended up meeting a few men from the aforementioned events. Our sex life has suffered and our marriage feels incredibly strained. I don't have the guts to tell him I've been sleeping with other men. A part of me resents myself and my partner for opting for an open marriage and enjoying the "lavish life". It's ended up in me detaching myself from him as I can't bare to be around him any longer. I often sleep in the annexe, far away from him as possible and cry myself to sleep. My emotions have become overbearing and I just can't shake myself out of it. I'm still seeing other men behind his back, which adds salt to the wound and makes me feel even worse.

I honestly don't know how to overcome this obstacle. I have thought about seeing a therapist about my addiction with sleeping with other men. It would kill my partner if I told him I was having affairs with numerous men. I don't want to destroy our family.

@feistymumma isn't it amazing what men think they can and cannot dictate because their dicks want to venture forth?

And when they've gotten bored or had enough, they think it's okay to dictate what consequences their actions have taken? Fuck that. I can't believe all the idiots on here saying the OP is entirely to blame.

Who was the last person he slept with, when he was happy with the open agreement? Did anything happen there - eg was he unable to perform?

I think your marriage is over, tbh. I think the sort of lifestyle you're talking about is better if you're single - it seems the idea of both partners wanting the same thing at the same time is too unlikely.

I agree with @penisbeakers completely. And following on from Hollows question, i wonder would you be able to perhaps track his last partner down and ask him/her if anything particular happened?

It's very peculiar for a man to go from suddenly being all open like that, and then do a total turnaround.

I rather think, as others have alluded to here, that something is amiss he doesn't want you to find out. I would start talking to people you know he's been involved with, especially anyone who might have suddenly left the picture, so to speak.

I've just had a fiery argument with my husband. I am literally shaking with anger - we've been screaming at one another for the last hour.

I should have listened to my intuition all along. I was right. Clumsily, he was falling for another woman. I've met this woman and her husband for a few frolics in the sun a few years back, but I never imagined she would attempt to muscle in on my husband. Apparently, this woman's relationship ended on a rather sour note, she needed time to "rediscover" herself and my husband happened to be the one to console her. Needless to say she "rediscovered" herself and decided my husband was no good for her self-esteem and ditched him for another man. He described her as endearing and whimsical. To add salt to the wound, he said she was the type who wanted to settle down, one on one for good. What on earth is that supposed to mean? After been given the boot by her, he took it upon himself to decide what's best for the pair of us while choosing to hide what happened. He insists he wouldn't have left me for her, but I can't help but think otherwise. It's no surprise he suggested playing separately as he wanted to spend all of his time with her. I can't help but feel betrayed by his actions. I was always open with him in regards to who I was meeting etc. All of this time he's been playing around with this other woman, falling for her and casting me aside. Apparently, he's now adamant being exclusive will be better for us in the long run and doesn't want our relationship to go open.

That's it. Our marriage really is doomed. How could we ever go back to leading a normal relationship after this? I was so close to telling him and I had been seeing other men, too. I guess I should tell him, shouldn't I? It took another woman for him to realise he didn't want to be in an open marriage with me? He would have left me to be with her in an exclusive marriage? What on earth? My husband spoke fondly of her too, as if they were the best of friends. Clearly, the pair of them had been discussing our marriage and were making a mickey out of me in the process.

We can't go back to being a normal family. I can't do this anymore, I really can't I can't be around him anymore. I want him out of the house.

No, don't tell.him. it'll just give him.ammunition.

Just sort out separating to your best advantage.

I'm sorry Dimpse. I do think you should tell him that you've still been playing with other men, yes. It's one thing playing with other people but when emotions come into it it becomes a totally different thing - as well your DH should know.

You've been shagging around and blaming him. He's been shagging around and blaming you. I pity the children who are going to go through the resultant shit storm.

(And yes, I have been in the kink lifestyle.).

Divorce that piece of shit. I bloody knew it. Self serving gaslighting arsehole.

The quickest way to get rid of him would be to tell him you’re still seeing other men.

He doesn’t have a leg to stand on now if he tries to make you feel guilty.

It doesn’t sound like your relationship was ever secure, the ‘open’ relationship was and is a convenient distraction for both of you.

You’ve both displayed an astonisbhing level of contempt for each other and your wah wah I was mildly coerced yet foot stomping, at the end to the ‘fun’ and ‘frolicking finger pointing is childish.

For you, even before your H’s recent admission, the validity of marriage was predicated on being able to have sex with other men.

End this before it gets uglier.

So if I have this right - he suggested an open marriage, you agreed even though unsure, then you weren't unsure anymore and you loved it. In the happy swinging times, he started to fall for another swinger who brushed him off, that brush off caused him to reevaluate the situation and recommit to your marriage, he then said he didn't want to swing anymore, you agreed even though unsure, then decided to carry on without telling him aka cheating but also sleeping away from him as you can't bear his touch, you finally figured out that you don't love him anymore and want to leave but don't want to split the family 🙄, then you found out about the falling for the swinger part and you're upset because...it means the marriage you pretty much knew you didn't want anymore is pretty much on its last knees?

Bloody hell love, one in two marriages end in divorce. File the papers and go shag who you want.

This is the danger with open relationships, very few work long term. I'm married and not in an open relationship because I know I would develop feelings for people I was having regular sex with...it's normal to fall in love with people you're spending a lot of time sleeping with. It makes things so complicated. I understand why you feel so betrayed....what makes him so sure he can be exclusive with you? By the sounds of it the damage is already done, it sounds like you've fallen out of love with him. Probably because of the way he treated you whilst entertaining this other woman.

"I do blame my husband. Yes, I agreed to it, but he steered us into an open marriage. I could have said no but I didn't. I had my reservations, however, I didn't want to create a problem which wasn't there."

You didn't need to agree to it though if you had reservations. If you had said no that would have presumably been the end of it. How would you have felt if he had gone behind your back and done it anyway? Surely both partners have the right to say they've changed their mind.

Just seen the last update.

Why do you get to be angry when you've been shagging around behind his back?

Don't feel guilty, just get to work on ending the marriage. He is, as PP have said, a selfish man who has never been interested in your desires or preferences - it's always been about what works for him. A lot of men encourage/persuade their partners to take up swinging because the man thinks of it as a chance to have sex with lots of other women, only to find that, while there are plenty of women who enjoy casual sex/group sex/partner-swapping, those women are also people who will have preferences of their own. So the man freaks out because his female partner gets more attention than he thinks he is getting or is entitled to... and it all goes horribly wrong.

Clumsily, he was falling for another woman. I've met this woman and her husband for a few frolics in the sun a few years back, but I never imagined she would attempt to muscle in on my husband

That’s what happens when you shag other people, love

Don’t forget you’ve also been shagging other men behind his back in secret. You’re no better than he is...

@Ginger1982 Why shouldn't I be angry? I never pioneered going open or playing separately. Yes, I've continued to see others, but I haven't fallen for any of these men. It's just sex, I respect the fact they're already partnered and I wouldn't dare to try steal them for myself. One of the rules going open was to be upfront with one another if you were falling for someone else. Clearly this was the case for my husband, who then thought it would be appropriate to alter our relationship because he had been rejected.

Of course I'm going to be upset.

But to be fair OP, going to killing kittens, even remaining exclusive, is rather niche in the 1st place so its not like someone who didnt believe in sex before marriage suddenly throwing a curve ball at you. He met an fell in love with someone else. It happens. By closing it maybe he wanted to prevent it happening again and to be frank you were so caught up in your own fun you didn't even notice.

He has finally been truthful with you. Return the favour and end your marriage which is now just an ugly sham.
Then you can start a new relationship on the terms you want.

@Dimpse35 you're angry because during a period that you agreed to (shagging other people) he did something you didn't agree to (fall for someone else).

Yet you are also here because you're shagging around still (something you agreed to stop doing) in a period of exclusivity (something you agreed to return to).

Again, we totally get that the shagging around and the stopping of the shagging around weren't your ideas but nothing you've said indicates that you were coerced more that you went along with it to keep the peace. I can sympathise on that, we all say yes to things out of a fear of rocking the boat from time to time. But you've already said that you grew to like the fact the boat had been rocked, and your problem is that he chose to unrock it.

It does sound like your main problem here is that he's developed feelings for someone else, something you can't control whether your marriage is open or exclusive. He's used the development of those feelings to recommit to your marriage, whereas the development you made in that time (realising you like sex with other people and you don't love your husband anymore) is one he's neither aware of or you think is applicable to this situation.

You're coming across a bit of a cake-eater.

Unfortunately what you describe is a typical scenario with so called open relationships. Confusion, attraction to other people, emotional connection to someone other than the partner, coercion, STI risks and so on, are the risks you take. It rarely ends well, and your experience demonstrates this.

I would say your marriage has run its course and you both need to re-examine your real needs in a relationship. Monogamy may or may not be right for either of you. I feel sorry for any children caught up in this situation, they seem very much t9 be pushed into the background.

Again, we totally get

Who’s we? You don’t speak for me.

But you've already said that you grew to like the fact the boat had been rocked, and your problem is that he chose to unrock it.

As if that were solely his decision! He chose to unrock himself. He can’t blame the OP for continuing behaviour he initiated simply because he randomly changed his mind.

Probably the end of the road- but counseling is maybe worth a shot

Frankly you are both as bad as each other- I get the feeling you haven’t accepted ownership of your part in this.

When you had your argument with your husband- you didn’t own up to what you were doing- and don’t get me wrong- he is massively at fault too- but you can’t be kicking his arse, playing victim all the time.

Get it out on the table- he is father to your children - you need to retain a working relationship with him. Lying to him - only to have this coming out later is going to end badly

@TatianaLarina if you don't see yourself in the "we" it's obviously not referring to you is it?

Also, he chose to unrock himself is daft when she's on record as agreeing to it. Which she didn't have to do and has not stated she was coerced into doing.

There is no lack of consent in any of the decisions that have been made as to the opening and closing of the relationship. It's on her that she ducked those conversations, the way she's ducking telling her husband she's still shagging around and doesn't love him anymore. He at least is coming clean. They need to get divorced sort a custody plan and try to be better spouses to the next ppl they date.

if you don't see yourself in the "we" it's obviously not referring to you is it?

You still haven’t defined who ‘we’ is. I will take it as the royal we.

She hasn’t agreed to it has she she has continued. He unilaterally declared the open marriage was closed without determining whether she was actually on board.