Open marriage issues

[Dimpse35]

Hello,

I'm in such a mess and it's my own fault. Excuse any typos - I wrote this in a flurry.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years, two of which have been in an open arrangement. Despite having two kids we opted to embark on an open marriage. We both have good jobs, lead comfortable lives and have a great social circle. I feel the demise of our marriage is due to the aforementioned and I can't help but regret and feel remorse for agreeing to it in the first place. Admittedly, we are both sexually "out there" and have enjoyed events such as "Killing Kittens" and "Torture Garden". Our sex life is far from dull and we have both enjoyed pushing the norms when it comes to sex. There's never been any issues in our sex life as we have always been open. I do feel my husband has always been the one to mildly coerce me into these sexual circles.

The initial year into our open marriage we would find like-minded couples who were looking for the same thing as us. Yes, it was great at first, but I couldn't help but question why I was doing this. There were many occasions I felt like this, but I continued to partake as I didn't want to create an issue because I was feeling insecure. After the initial few months, I relaxed into the setup and was equally as enthusiastic as he was. I loved it. The second year into our open marriage we decided not to play with one another, but play alone. I wasn't phased by this whatsoever and agreed to it. We would both fly out to meet other couples to have sex with. It became the norm. The fact I was going to these events with another man just became second nature to me and I never saw it as a problem.

Earlier this year, my partner and I had a discussion at length, to which he admitted he wanted to return to being exclusive. We both agreed to remain exclusive to one another. A few months after this discussion I confessed to my partner I missed the fun and frolics of our past open relationship, to which he casually dismissed. He just said I was going through a "phase" and ended the conversation.

I've grown increasingly annoyed with him and ended up meeting a few men from the aforementioned events. Our sex life has suffered and our marriage feels incredibly strained. I don't have the guts to tell him I've been sleeping with other men. A part of me resents myself and my partner for opting for an open marriage and enjoying the "lavish life". It's ended up in me detaching myself from him as I can't bare to be around him any longer. I often sleep in the annexe, far away from him as possible and cry myself to sleep. My emotions have become overbearing and I just can't shake myself out of it. I'm still seeing other men behind his back, which adds salt to the wound and makes me feel even worse.

I honestly don't know how to overcome this obstacle. I have thought about seeing a therapist about my addiction with sleeping with other men. It would kill my partner if I told him I was having affairs with numerous men. I don't want to destroy our family.

It's not a royal "we" it's just a "we" that clearly doesn't include you I'm not sure why you're so fixated on it.

Earlier this year, my partner and I had a discussion at length, to which he admitted he wanted to return to being exclusive. We both agreed to remain exclusive to one another.

That rather implies that she did agree to closing it.

It’s not a we at all. You can only speak for yourself. Other people might agree with you but that’s not the same as speaking for them.

She didn’t agree to it though did she, she normally went along with it to keep the peace, but she didn’t

He decreed that they were going to go back to being exclusive and she didn’t contradict him at the time, but she didn’t go along with it in practice as she doesn’t actually agree with with it.

Husbands don’t get to make unilateral decisions for their wives.

I already said before that I believe this is salvageable and I stand by it. All the things that happened are typical, easily made mistakes in the open relationship context, these things happen and it's not impossible to work through them. Give it time, put some effort into understanding what happened and see where that leads you. What have you got to lose?

I also second counselling. Couples counselling may be an option for the future, but individual counselling will help you right now to untangle your role in this. Being 'mildly coerced' doesn't sound healthy - what made you agree to decisions that you later regret so strongly? What makes you enjoy the current attention from multiple men? What are you looking for in a relationship? Are your needs met? Self awareness is such a powerful thing but you can't 'learn' it alone - you need someone else, like a counsellor, to provide perspective.

Until we see someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is.

-- Marianne Williamson

F*CK him. Excuse the language. We've just had another heated argument. I have come clean and told him about seeing other men. I apologised, explained that my behaviour was due to the "culture shock" of leaving an open arrangement, not to mention the very vague discussions surrounding his decision. All I ever wanted was for him to tell me why? All of this time he had been developing feelings for another woman, playing around exclusively with her with me out of the equation. I asked him when he planned to tell me about it, which he said didn't matter. He was dictating our marriage around his relationship with her?

For the last four hours, we've been screaming at one another and he's called me every name under the sun. Apparently I'm a careless and wreckless whore with no self-control. He even called me a prostitute. He even went as far as to say he opened the marriage up because I wanted and craved the attention from other men. Can you even believe he implied that he allowed me to embark on an open marriage so I could explore and experience my desires? What a crock of S*HIT. What about him? Acting as if he had no-decision in the matter and was doing it out of the kindness of his heart.

I've admitted I don't want to salvage our relationship and no longer see us being together a viable option. Nothing but verbal diarrhea came out of his mouth. He told me my lecherous and sinful actions will destroy the family and I'm the most disgusting partner he's ever had. The following statements have been made by him: "What kind of woman does the things you do" "What sort of women allows these things to happen. You should be ashamed of yourself for essentially being a prostitute". I didn't even retaliate, I told him to get out as I won't be spoken to like that. He said he's going to tell the kids about the things I've done and how I want to split us up. I saw red and threw his phone against the wall while screaming at him. Equally furious as I am, he ran upstairs, opened my wardrobe and started packing my belongings, telling me to get the FCK out of the house. He took his ring off, threw it at me and told me he refuses to be with a slut like me. I reminded him it's my house, therefore he can be the one to leave. I told him to get the FCK out. He ran out of the house, left the door open, hurled abuse in front of the neighbours and drove off.

I'm through with it. There's no turning back. I know I am not perfect, but I didn't deserve any of this. Why should I be persecuted for all of this? How dare he portray me to be a selfish and wreckless wife and mother. I can't have this man around me. All I can think of is how our children are going to cope with all of the madness. He's not the man I thought he was. It's over, I've taken my wedding ring off and don't intend to wear it ever again.

You both have serious issues if you've spent 4 hours screaming at each other and then put on a display for the neighbours.

Not sure what reaction you expected from your husband tbh. Rage is quite a common male reaction to news like this. It's a desperate attempt to regain respect. Hard to stomach but so is the information that you presented him with.

How your children will cope very much depends on your actions and ability to cope with the situation yourself. I'd be looking for counselling asap.

Where were the children during the argument? Did they hear any of it?

Its over. You are both culpable in different ways. Accept and move on and have the relationship you want

Actually, for me its cleared up something.

The DH's thinking all along seems to have been about him getting to have sex with other women, regardless of how OP felt. He encouraged her, but I bet he felt all along that OP didn't really want to do it.

His rejection by the other woman hurt him, and now he's found out that OP has desires of her own. His insults clearly, to me, show his belief that women only have sex to please men, and he's shocked that OP actually wanted to have sex with other men. He's angry because he felt tgstche was the one making decisions.

It’s interesting that in pushing his wife into promiscuity his misogyny kicks in.

He wants to have sex with other people but he doesn’t want her to have sex with other people. Women shouldn’t want to have sex with anyone with their husbands. Which ironically is the place OP started, but he cajoled her out of.

You can hear the sexual insecurity in his insults. His wife desires other men, they may be better in bed, they may have bigger penises, he may not be able to satisfy her, and she gets more attention than he does as he is less sexually attractive.

If she had refused to swing she would have been labelled frigid, vanilla and unsatisfying, as she agreed she’s now labelled a wh*re.

He’s basically an arsehole.

For the life of me I cannot understand the importance some people place on having a shag

Thanks @penisbeakers

Yes, he's thrown everything you mentioned, but I am not surprised. We have been arguing the last few days and it's wearing me out. I need to stay single for a while and gather my thought. I am all over the place at the minute.

I was just so foolish to go ahead with it all @TatianaLarina. I've tried to keep the peace, but there's no point trying to convince myself everything is perfectly fine when we clearly aren't functioning.

@MulticolourMophead Exactly! I know he's furious about the fact I enjoyed being in an open arrangement - perhaps too much. I just can't believe the reason why he wanted to return to an exclusive marriage was because of the other woman rejecting him.

Loving and caring wife?

For the life of me I cannot understand the importance some people place on having a shag

I know right? And now the poor kids are going to have to deal with the fall out.