Need to find friends who aren't white...

[BlingLoving]

This is a bit odd, and frankly, embarrassing, so please bear with me.

DS, 8, has admitted to me that he doesn't think he likes "brown" people as much as white people. When I ask him about this, he can't explain it. I point out that he used to be friends with a muslim boy at school (who has subsequently left) and that he has a number of "brown" friends who are muslim or black at one of his activities. when I remind him of this, he agrees that he likes these children and gets on well with them and then says, "but I think I don't normally like them". I don't think this attitude comes from anything specific, but more the reality that we live in surrey and his entire school has maybe 5 children who aren't white.

I am originally from South Africa so this worries me. I do have some black south african friends, although not many as I left 20 years ago and Apartheid only ended as I was leaving school. The ones I have are from when I was working in Johannesburg and while we stay in touch, I haven't visited Joburg since DS was born and the odd time they've visited london in the past it's been meet ups for dinners and drinks in London rather than trips to Surrey with the kids...

I have one black English friend who he knows, and loves, but that friend lives in the US so we don't see him often.

The problem is that in my leafy little part of surrey, it's all bloody white. The children in his activity are different ages so I don't see those turning into proper friendships, although I plan to encourage any budding relationships! So how do I show him he's being ridiculous? Bless him, I think he is aware of it in that he's always a bit embarrassed by what he's saying and does it like he's making a confession.

He loves music and actually has started to realise that some of the music he listens to is by black artists, so that's good. But I feel like I need him to see people of different races more visibly in his daily life before any of these attitudes are entrenched. But I don't know how to do this short of taking him back to south africa for a few months!

www.google.com/amp/s/www.buzzfeed.com/amphtml/erinwinkler/tips-for-talking-to-children-about-race-and-racism

I had a similar experience with my daughter though for different reasons, it's around that age they become aware of ethnicity in my experience. We live in an area that's approx 50/50 so it's not lack of non white kids, it was more that the Asian kids weren't allowed to come on play dates nor had school friends to birthday parties - a shock to my kids who had been at school elsewhere where the (much fewer) non white kids were fully integrated. I wouldn't worry too much, just make sure you keep an eye on it as he gets older.

I really enjoyed this thread. OP, I think you can only do the best you can for now, some really good suggestions have been made, some which you may have tried before.
At 8, he is young, I remember at 7/8yrs running around in a tight scarf pretending it was straight and long - not black and curly. I still have odd moments of hair envy, but this is who I am & I'm not as tall as I'd like to be
He will keep grow up, and continue to be exposed to different ideas from his peers, yourselves and he will work things out. I know he maybe old for CBeebies, but they have some good programmes on Where in the World and the World Kitchen, and the TV mixed representation is a million miles away from I was a kid.

I tell my DH that I am milk chocolate. We all are just different shades of colour, no one is actually white or black - just shades in between.

Besides, even the BAME communities have their own seemingly invisible divisions (you know about the dark vs light skinned issue), which is confusing sometimes (but that's culture and history for you). Remember, whatever shade people are , they are the same - you've got the nice ones, the slow to cook ones and the not so nice ones. A person's so-called culture and their colour is just 2 parts of an individual. What's inside is what matters.

A couple of the posters mentioned the forms, I always mark Black British &if they want more info,I put Other. I don't fit in a square box.

OP, I think friendship should always be based on shared interests and values, if you manage to teach him not to take people at face value, but dig a little deeper, learn a little more about his friends, be nice & try to be tolerant - you'll have done a grand job!
And the South Africa shows real change takes time, tolerance and patient people. Some people can see the bigger and long-term picture, but most of us can be a bit more slow on the uptake.

Best of luck with parenting
We can only do our best

Did you explain to him that people generally like people more because their personalities fit better, and that personalities have nothing to do with the colour of your skin?

You could ask him is there anything about their personalities or the way they behave that he thinks they all have in common and suss out what kind of stereotypes he might have in his head about people with different colour skin than him...and then see if that information gives you anything to work with when you discuss this with him!

Honestly you need to teach him more about South African history (Mahatma Gandhi / Nelson Mandela etc) and perhaps enrol him into more after school groups so he mixes with a greater variety of personalities (no matter their race). The problem isn’t necessarily that he doesn’t know a lot of non-white people compared to whites, the problem is that all the white people he knows are like him / he gets on with which suggests he doesn’t routinely socialize with a great variety of white people either. He needs to meet more people full stop and be exposed to more personalities - including those he doesn’t get on with.

Oh and if you want him to meet more south / east african people of all colours going to North London (Harrow / Kingsbury) is probably a good idea even if it’s just to visit / volunteer / enrol him in classes.

Did you explain to him that people generally like people more because their personalities fit better, and that personalities have nothing to do with the colour of your skin?

This. I'd be emphasising that having a different skin colour doesn't tell you what someone is going to be like, and if he hasn't liked the couple of children he has met with darker skin he shouldn't assume that he won't like others. Explain how stereotypes can be unhelpful etc.

Ask him how he'd feel if someone said they didn't want to be friends with him because they had met a boy with [blond hair] before and he wasn't nice so they thought all boys with [blond hair] wouldn't be nice. (I've just used blond hair as an example but use a trait that he has).

Only read half the thread. OP I hope hearing others views has made you feel less guilt.

DM grew up in SA under apartheid and I grew up in one of the multicultural towns mentioned near you. I saw cultural difference - eating habits at friends houses for example - but never skin colour.

Just a thought but could it be possible your child is trying to define themselves and part of that is questioning and rejecting your views? I know I sure needed a lot to rally against as a child and as DM was deeply snobby about white British culture, I embraced opposite values.

We had after school playmates from all ethnicities. I now think from your post DM was actively seeking them! DF mentioned he left SA as the things he saw there made him deeply uncomfortable. Hearing your parents experiences and values does sink in.

I think PP makes a good point about wanting to fit in. I would drum home not excluding children, not being a bystander to bullying etc. Its wrong to say you don't like someone because of a characteristic. I'd be encouraging empathy - how would he feel if someone decided they didn't like him because of a characteristic? He would not think it was fair.

Its a shame he isn't showing more empathy but he's only young. I wouldn't worry too much.

Try and give him diverse experiences, that's all you can do.

This. I'd be emphasising that having a different skin colour doesn't tell you what someone is going to be like, and if he hasn't liked the couple of children he has met with darker skin he shouldn't assume that he won't like others. Explain how stereotypes can be unhelpful etc.

Thanks all. The irony of the above is that actually, the ONE boy in his class who wasn't white WAs his friend. Ditto at his activity - he gets on with all the children . So it seems to be some kind of weird prejudice that in real life he himself doesn't feel. So I'm going to remind him of that as well.

Isn't being friends with someone just because of their colour, well, a bit, you know...
I can't imagine trying to do that. I'm friends with people I meet socially, at work or at school and the vast majority are white. I think it would be very odd of me if I tried making conscious effort to find non-white friends.

@Peanutbuttermouth

"I have a mixed race child who dislikes what she sees in the mirror because she doesn't see anything like it in her daily life. So yes, I actively befriend people who look like her. I don't give a flying fuck what anyone on here says."
Isn't the OP saying something different here though? Unless I'm mistaken, don't they want their DS to mix with other races who don't look like him?

Yes. I was responding to someone else.

Op, all you have to do, is remind your child that everyone is the same and we befriend people based on what they are like as a person, not by how they look. You don’t have to go out and actively seek black friends to teach acceptance. If you naturally meet people from different backgrounds and genuinely click, great!...but looking for friends of a particular race is quite bizarre.