This is hard to write and I need to be very mindful of the details.
Our friend, let’s call him Alan, is a long term friend of DH’s but I’ve known him 10+ years. There’s a fairly big group of us that have gone through our 20’s/30’s together so through relationships, kids etc.
Alan was in a relationship for 10 years, then divorced. It was a fucked up relationship from the start as he used to cheat, DH would tell me, it would cause arguments as I was good friends with his wife etc (whole other thread which MN would have been party to 10 years ago) Them splitting was a good thing, albeit DC involved but we’ve managed to maintain an ok relationship with ex (play dates etc) and the divorce was actually quite amicable.
Fast forward to Alan’s second relationship. Lovely person, very driven in her career, could take him on and not take the BS of Alan’s personality. All going fine- typical perfect “Insta” couple: holidays, posh meals out, blended family of her DC and his DC (very amicable etc).
It all ended recently when she left when he was at work, cleared her things out of the house, gone. All out of nowhere, no communication at all.
Alan has been devastated. Emotionally fragile. Everyone in the friendship group has supported him as we were worried he was going to do something stupid.
Between the friendship circle we were told of her mental health problems, drink driving ban, her being emotionless, it being a difficult relationship, too driven at work (lots of working hours), controlling of him, moody, behaviour issues when drunk etc.
DH was also told of a time Alan had to restrain her because she’d wanted to drive when drunk. That he went to counselling because he’d bruised her during the restraint...
Basically painted a picture of a very unstable person and volatile relationship that none of us knew about.
Other friends have tried to get hold of her to check her mental health and that’s she’s ok, to no avail. Blocked on social media etc. no replies to messages. We heard from one friend that said she’s fine and wants nothing to do with any of us.
We’ve supported, listened, advised Alan instead. He is a lifetime friend of DH so we’ve done our bit to help.
But, something didn’t sit right with me and talking to my DH over the weekend, it didn’t sit right with him either.
DH and I reached out to her (details omitted on how) and have now received her side of the story.
She has been the victim of physical abuse. There are Pictures, video recordings. It’s horrific 
He’s hit her on at least 4 occasions this year 
We’ve been told Alan has been going to counselling for his anger issues. It’s been going on for 18 months.
I’ve responded separately saying, 1) I believe you and 2) are you safe now/ do you need anything? Thankfully, she’s safe, secure and wants nothing to do with him (which is good). I’ve advised her not to speak to him if he calls (he will try to call) and block him.
DH called Alan last night and said, not to contact her at all. He left it quite stern that he’d received a video and it didn’t sound good and the last thing Alan should be doing is contacting her. Message received but still tried to “billy bull shit” his way out of the limited information DH told him.
I’ve woke up this morning feeling sick to the stomach. I don’t want Alan in my house, around my DC and I can’t believe we’ve missed this.
I feel I’ve done what I can with his ex. She’s safe and I’m proud she’s got away.
Any advice from anyone who’s been in a similar situation? Have you been the victim? The friend?
(Clear name change of me and “Alan”)