Wanting another Child but partner doesn't

[hanna96]

Hi, just want a bit of advice.

So my partner has had a vasectomy in previous relationship after his other children.
I mentioned to him about a reversal and I get mixed messages. One minute he thinks about it then others he says he doesn't want more kids as he is in his early 40s I'm in my 20s. I love him more than anything and only have my one dd who is 2.5 years old. I really want one more child together something which is ours together. I love my step children but there mother makes it very hard for me and my partner. I am really struggling to come to terms with him not wanting a child together. How and what am I meant to feel, be like or even do. Please help cause we just keep arguing about this and I end up really feeling upset and hurting and don't feel I am good enough or that he loves me as much as he did with previous baby mothers.
Please help!!!!

On the mechanics of it, it’s extremely unlikely that a reversal would work, particularly if the snip was done on the NHS. They tend to play it “safe.”
Plus he’d have to pay for the reversal privately.

In terms of you feeling like he loves you less because he can’t / won’t have a child with you - well that’s really your age and insecurity showing, and perhaps some counselling would help you.

I wouldn’t want to be a new father again in my forties, so I understand why he’d be reluctant even if it was physically possible.

Having a child with someone isn’t a sign of love.

Hi.

No I don't want to have a baby for the love reason it is because i love him and want our own child. And we would have money for th reversal that isn't the issue

How long have you been together ??

Around a year but I never said now. I said about having a child of ours. He is a great step dad to my LG who's dad is useless literally. But I just want something of ours for our kids and us as I love him and want to make our family proper. He one minute will say positive things and then go back on it.

Leave him. If he was serious about getting the vasectomy reversed, he would have done it already. He doesn't want more children. Like others said the chance of the reversal working isn't good anyhow.

I’m in my late 30s and would never want another child at this age. My current family are in their teens and I’m enjoying freedom again...and a life of my own. A baby is so much responsibility and hard work, plus I’d be full time parenting into my 50s, when really I want to be going on sexy holidays with DH.

A baby is far from a sign of love. People who don’t love each other make babies all of the time.

Your bf is realistically at a different stage of life to you. I think he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want more children. If you want another, you may have to find a man who wants the same.

Reversals aren't guaranteed to work and I suspect if he really wanted more, he wouldn't have had the v done in the first place.

He's in his 40s. 20 years older than you. He's just too old. If you want another DC, you'll have to find someone who is able to and closer to your age.

Life's too short to spend it with some MLC guy.

'Something of ours' is a terrible way to think of a child. The thing you have together is your relationship, your home. You don't need a baby to be a proper couple.
You've chosen to be with a man who is much older, who has kids and can't have more. That's the choice you made, now accept it and deal with it.

Why didn’t you pick someone your own age if you want more kids? I don’t get why women like you pick older blokes like him. He’s got other kids, he’s getting old and then you moan he doesn’t want more kids! Of course he doesn’t. He’s done all that years ago. He’s past it. So weird. You are young, you’ve got your whole life in front of you. He hasn’t. Why are you wasting your time on somebody his age? Get rid and find somebody compatible!

OP - you are young and a being a bit naive.
A well-to-do man un his 40s, who had a few kids and left his wife, who was probably closer to his age - gets together with a woman in her 20s.
Of course he is not looking to have another many years of baby/child rearing.
He wants to have fun. And feel young. This is why men get GFs half their age - especially in that age group when midlife crisis starts happening.

And the fact that you already have a child works quite well for him. Much harder to keep a childless young woman happy to stick around.

You have only been together for a short time, and are already arguing. So - most likely this relationship won’t last anyway.
Unless you decide that a comfortable and fun life with him for the next 10-20 years is what you want. But then you need to be clear to yourself of what you are giving up and what your role would be who you are in your 40s and he is not as much fun in his 60s.

And btw he doesn’t need to get a reversal to have a baby. Sperm is still produced and can be extracted with a needle. If he wanted to have a child it’s possible.

I'm with him. My personal cut of was 35. I couldn't fathom having another child in my 40s especially if I already had kids. I am only just 40 when all my friends are having their first. I am well past it.. I could think of nothing worse.

He may or may not change his mind but I'd move forward assuming it's a no and either come to terms with it or leave.

I don’t get why women like you pick older blokes like him. He’s got other kids, he’s getting old and then you moan he doesn’t want more kids!

Agree. I'd be doing a runner if I was him. And if he's continually pressured, he might just do that.

You think having a baby with him will cement your relationship. It won’t.

I don’t have any sympathy for these women who get together with men who have had a vasectomy (so their stance is pretty clear from the outset) and then start crying when they realise that they actually meant it when they took steps not to have any more children.

Were you not familiar with the concept of sterilisation?

If you want more children then you need to find a partner who wants the same. As for him, if I got together with someone who was putting pressure on after five minutes to have a sterilisation reversed so we could have a baby to cement our “love” I’d run a mile.

You’ve got 3 problems.

1. he’s in his 40s
2. he’s had a vasectomy
3. he doesn’t want any more children

Even one of those would be an issue.

End it.I went through all of this with older exh.I should never have married him in hindsight.We had an age gap and he had a reversal which in theory worked but we had to have icsi to try for a baby.It didn't work and it wrecked our marriage.Its absolutely soul destroying going through all that and I urge you to not put yourself through it.

Some people are very judgemental on here. I am not just some naive girl. I've had to deal with a lot and I am not stupid. I am not with him for any reason. I love him. You can't help that and I do not just want a child for "love" when you love someone that's what you want sometimes. Yes I'm with someone older doesn't make me stupid. I asked for some advice from similar situations

Thanks for the actual non judgmental comments too 👍🏻 much appreciated

You have enough on your plate already let alone being with a man who has already given you mixed messages about vasectomy reversal. He has made it clear through both word and deed that he is not wanting any more children.

Why are you and he together at all?. I can see the attractions for him but you?. What is in this relationship for you?. Love is sometimes not enough.

Another thing to consider op is that your bf and you have only been together a short period of time.
How long has he been split from his wife/previous partner and how long were they together?
How many women has he already had children with?

I really want one more child together something which is ours together.

I think OP that people are responding to this sentence. I think others have tried to say that having a child together is not necessarily going to give you whatever you are hoping for. Not when he already has children and you have a child as well.

Perhaps you should also consider that he is worried that you are pushing so hard after only a short period of being together. How many children does he have in his care (if you are living together and he is in any type of supporting role with your child), does he also feel he already has his energy and maybe finances stretched as far as he wants to give.

I think you do need to take a step back and think what you want. More of your own children? or this relationship? And then act accordingly. There are many reasons that he doesn’t want more that may have nothing to do with how much he loves/respects you compared to anyone else he has had relationships with.

OP - you asked for advice and advice is what you are getting.
Just because you don’t like it doesn’t make it judgemental.
You say you aren’t with him for any reasons - but you did pick a man twice your age, more settled and financially stable than you (most likely, judging by his age and your other comments) and one who had a vasectomy. All of it for a reason.
And you’ll probably say that he is so much better than men your own age, nicer to he around, confident, knows what he wants, etc...
Many young women come on here talking about age gap relationships, and asking if they’d last, and siting all the reasons why they like older men. You might think yours is a different relationship, but we all fall into patterns.
You also seem to not understand that even if you aren’t with him for a reason - let’s assume that it’s true. But he may be with you for a reason.

A 40+ yo man choosing a woman who could be his daughter for a gf - isn’t necessarily there for the same romantic fantasies. He wants a carefree life - as carefree as possible. He has already done diapers and nurseries. Already spent time on the planes and in hotels with screaming kids.

He wants live his life now. With a young woman on his arm that most of his friends would envy him for.

None of this is judgemental. It’s how life often is. I am closer in age to your bf and have seen it happen over and over. Men get bored with kids at home and W’s not being as fun anymore. They leave and get you get GFs.... Works wonders until those GFs start wanting to have kids too...

Anyway. You need to decide how important having another child is for you. He is unlikely to change his mind.

But I just want something of ours for our kids and us as I love him and want to make our family proper.

don't feel I am good enough or that he loves me as much as he did with previous baby mothers.

I also think that you should really reread what you have written and think about whether you might need some support. It sounds that you are not feeling secure in this marriage, and if this is true, please seek support. But also, a child will not be the answer to make you feel more secure either. Particularly if you force the issue.

You want advice from people who have been in your position so here goes..

I was in your position last year (minus having my own child and being ten years older than you). I’d been single for 4 years. I broke up with him. The thought of being in a relationship where the possibility to have children was off the table wasn’t an option for me. I wouldn’t even have been able to make a decision on whether I actually 100% did want children from a balanced standpoint as he was a ‘no’. I still think about him often and I’m in two minds about the decision I made but I had to take my heart out of it and give myself the possibility of having one child with someone (or alone). It still hasn't happened and I’m still single, probably getting too late for me now but I gave myself the chance which I can live with. Staying with him would have eaten me up and it wouldn’t have worked anyway.