Wanting another Child but partner doesn't

[hanna96]

Hi, just want a bit of advice.

So my partner has had a vasectomy in previous relationship after his other children.
I mentioned to him about a reversal and I get mixed messages. One minute he thinks about it then others he says he doesn't want more kids as he is in his early 40s I'm in my 20s. I love him more than anything and only have my one dd who is 2.5 years old. I really want one more child together something which is ours together. I love my step children but there mother makes it very hard for me and my partner. I am really struggling to come to terms with him not wanting a child together. How and what am I meant to feel, be like or even do. Please help cause we just keep arguing about this and I end up really feeling upset and hurting and don't feel I am good enough or that he loves me as much as he did with previous baby mothers.
Please help!!!!

My DSis was in a similar position to you, having hot together with a much older partner, except she didn't have a child already. Her DP agreed they'd have children together one day then, when she got pregnant, changed his mind. She had to decide whether to go it alone as he was adamant. She had a termination. Happily, they later married and are still together and are very happy. They both love children but don't have any together.

I think you may have to accept that your partner doesn't want to go through the whole newborn and toddler phase ever again. Either accept it or, if you really want another child, finish with him and find someone younger who still wants children.

Hanna. I think on this thread that it has been pretty strong consistent in what others would do faced with your scenario.

Even more so with your update. It seems that the number of children he actually has already is 4+ (And before you was he a single father of four or more children???) .

*consistency

He giving you mixed messages because you don't listen to him. He said no and you kept on and he says maybe because he doesn't want to keep upsetting you and your probably making him feel bad for not wanting anymore.

You need to accept it, your very far away from him having another dc, you need him to agree to all the crazy that will come with going down this route especially if it doesn't work and you got your hopes up.
Also a year is nothing your in the honeymoon stage for 18 more to 2 years.

I'm so glad he stepped up and took control of his reproduction. This type of life is chaotic - having a child with everyone you get with as you need something to be 'something of ours', big age gap, he's got children with multiple people, you've only been together a year. Really hope he sticks to his guns because you'll never see that you need to do a lot of work on your self-esteem.

No man I know would put his nuts back under the knife (or syringe or anything else pointy) for a baby he doesn't desperately want & you can't force him.

You have only two choices here:
Accept that you will have one child and stay with him.
Leave and find someone else who would like more children.

He is not unreasonable to not want a child.

You are not unreasonable to want a child.

I'm his age group and most people my age are finished with babies. The people who have babies tend to be their first one.

The people here aren't being mean, they are trying to explain what it's like to be 40 with children.

Having a baby with a man who with "difficult" exes usually means that they become more difficult. There's loads of stories on step-parenting about this.

If he has multiple children then he's being responsible not having more. It's not a reflection of how much he loves you at all- he knows how hard it is to give time and attention to all of the children and an extra one will make things that much harder. He is happy with the way things are now and there's nothing wrong with that.

You have to decide what's more important baby or relationship. There's no right or wrong answer here but you can't have both.

Hes got multiple kids by multiple women. One of which you say yourself is hard work... I think hes being entirely sensible enduring he doesnt add to it.

I have 3 kids by two fathers and I wouldn't consider any more with anyone.

Ensuring*

He has full custody of two of his girls... And the others he has them during the week and every other weekend and speaks with them every day

This sounds like a lot of childcare and rather chaotic in that there must be a lot of coming and going. He's had a vasectomy because he doesn't want to add more kids to an already crowded schedule (for want of a better word).

Maybe you were the perfect option because you are younger and already have a child - lots of fun and he hoped you'd not have a strong desire to have more.

Are you living together? I ask because I wonder where your daughter is in all this coming and going. Even if he's great with kids she can't be a priority amongst the 4+ other kids.

And it also explains why his exes may be resentful or "difficult", because they had kids with him expecting him to be a dedicated dad and partner, and he either left or was asked to leave, and now has a revolving door due to the number of kids and the different custody agreements.

Sounds a bit of a nightmare op tbh. It’s been a year, it may or may not last and I don’t think he’ll change his mind re reversal why would he? With 4 kids to support. He’s a good bit older than you, so when you’re 30 he’s going to be 50 plus and I don’t think he’s going to be wanting to change nappies where as you could be with someone your own age with a lovely family and lifestyle. Enjoy the relationship, kids make things a lot harder you both have some and you have time so don’t need to rush into kids with him.

If he loved you as much as you apparently love him, he'd have the reversal done immediately.

Rubbish. It’s reasonable for the op to want a child and it’s just as reasonable for him not to want one.

Op, if you want more children they’ll have to be with another man. You’ve got to decide wha you want more.

my baby's father was not an addict when we was first together. It came over years of money struggling

You said you were together for 6 years, your child is 2.5. you've been in your new relationship for a year and that your child knew/met your bf before that ... So you got pregnant and had a child with him very much toward that end of your relationship - when did he become a (gambling, I'm guessing) addict (or when did you find out)? Are you saying you really didn't know before you got pregnant by him?

And as my for current one. He has full custody of two of his girls as there mother was putting them in danger and then now has nothing to do with there kids. And the others he has them during the week and every other weekend and speaks with them every day

So he has two kids living with him full-time and he others visiting - it certainly makes him look better that he has some of his children living with him (though the question if what happened with the other baby momma's is still there)... But it also means his life must be hectic - with a lot of juggling and responsibilities. No wonder he had a vasectomy. Do you really think it would be fair on anyone ; him, his existing kids etc to have another newborn, by another mother, added to it.

Still think this is the wrong guy for you to have a second child with.

Even money wise, if he's not particularly well off, that's an awful lot to have to provide for, through to adulthood.

it was more how do I go around this situation do I see what time brings or am I being silly not me being immature or wanting at all I just wanted different views

Seems like your two options are to give it more time to see how the relationship pans out (it's still relatively early days all things considered) and decide if you do still want to have a second child with him - you're young enough to be able to "waste" time. If you do, you can ask again re vasectomy reversal or similar ... But there's a good chance he still won't want to. If that's the case you'll then have to.decude whether to leave him and try to meet another guy or whether to accept you'll just have the one and stay with him.

Or .. you cut your losses, leave now and try to meet another partner to have a other child/more kids with. You'll have more time and you won't have the risk that he won't change his mind.

Presuming he won't change his mind - you have to decide if being with him, and only having one child of your own, is more important to you than having a second child.

But a year is actually not long to really get to know someone and see if a relationship meets the test of time.