Wanting another Child but partner doesn't

[hanna96]

Hi, just want a bit of advice.

So my partner has had a vasectomy in previous relationship after his other children.
I mentioned to him about a reversal and I get mixed messages. One minute he thinks about it then others he says he doesn't want more kids as he is in his early 40s I'm in my 20s. I love him more than anything and only have my one dd who is 2.5 years old. I really want one more child together something which is ours together. I love my step children but there mother makes it very hard for me and my partner. I am really struggling to come to terms with him not wanting a child together. How and what am I meant to feel, be like or even do. Please help cause we just keep arguing about this and I end up really feeling upset and hurting and don't feel I am good enough or that he loves me as much as he did with previous baby mothers.
Please help!!!!

*your ex

"A few kids with different women"

And does he see all these kids? You say he's a good stepdad to your DC but is he a good dad to his OWN children?

So no I'm far from Jeremy Kyle thanks little bit rude 😂. No my child knew him before we was a thing. My lo dad was not family orientated. Had a bad form of addiction (no not drugs) So he was told to leave after time and time again of not trying to fix this. After 6 years together. And I have my lo mostly alone with no support from anybody And no I'm not with him for his money or for a bit of security. We just clicked. I wasn't asking for nasty comments or sarky remarks. I just wondered what people's advice would be. I'm not saying I want a child now. I'm saying I don't know what to feel as I'm still young and I don't see how I would feel just having one child. My lo is my world but one day I'd like to give her a sibling of her own too. I'm not naive at all I've had to grow up very quickly as a child with nothing so I don't need to be patronised I wanted support and so advise. Some people are lovely then some of you are so up your own arse seriously. This is meant for support not to be made to feel stupid.

And yes he sees his children and pays for them whatever they need when there not being used as weapons which is quite a lot. As the other parent is very hard work. I stay out of that as not my business.

I think its unfair on how negative you are being this is someone life! lets not belittle someone who is asking for advice

I couldn't agree more georgia19ox, some people are so unnecessarily harsh. It not a nice way to get your kicks.

OP, I think you have to decide if another child is important in your future life. If it is, then this man probably isn't for you as he doesn't want another child and has taken the correct step to ensure it stays that way.

You really can't make someone want a child, I know you are not suggesting you can, but really to have a child with someone who doesn't want one is not fair on anyone.

He may be lovely and you are both head over heels but ultimately, sadly, if you want different things one person will end up resenting the other.

If he loved you as much as you apparently love him, he'd have the reversal done immediately. The chance of it working goes down with each passing year. He doesn't want to get it reversed. He's fobbing you off.

Hi Op

I think you have to accept you either end the relationship and have more kids with someone who wants them

Or

Stay together and accept he does not want anymore kids. Simple really.

You cannot talk him into having more children, even if he agreed and reversal worked(which are two big maybes in itself) he most likely would leave down the road. A child will not cement your relationship and it won’t make you more important than his ex wife. If you are already not in agreement over having a child, it will break you. A vasectomy is to be thought of as a permanent form of sterilisation. He already made that choice. Now time for you to make your choice. Don’t spend years fighting about this.

Good luck.

Your with a man in his 40's who has a number of kids with different mother's. He had a vasectomy so he has made a decision that he does not want anymore kids. I know men of his age that have older kids and being honest they don't want to go back to the baby stage. They are planning how to put their kids through college or making plans to do things ie travel or early retirement.
The truth is you and him are at different life stages and long term you both want different things. Their is nothing wrong with this. If you stay with him long term you won't have another child.
In 20 years time you will be in your 40's and your daughter will be in her early 20's meanwhile he could be in his mid 60's plus.
You need to decide are you willing to give up your chance of having another child for this man. Would you not be better off ending things with him and finding a man at the same life stage as you. In time you could have another child with a man who wants the same as you.

@Scott72 that's rubbish. Nobody should be pressured into having children they don't want just to keep their partner happy. That doesn't mean he doesn't love the OP.

That's the bottom line OP unfortunately. You need to decide what you want more - your partner or another child.

For what it's worth, it doesn't mean you're not a proper family if you don't have children together. There are all types of different families.

OP, I know you’re saying you don’t want a child now, but your partner is already saying they think they’re too old - they’re not going to change their mind when they’re 2 years or 5 years older. This is aside from the fact by the sounds they made the right decision getting a vasectomy in the first place.

@Scott72

Having a child with someone when you actually don’t want one Should never be used as a test of how much that person loves another. What a terrible thing to do to a child.

I just wondered what people's advice would be

The advice from the majority is accept what he is telling you. You just don't want to hear it. He has several kids from different people... Why do you want to add to that number?
Accept what he says or move on. Its not that hard.

My advice would be that this man has grown up and realised several children by different partners is not good for children or their parents so has taken a sensible decision to prevent further pregnancy.

You might be the most mature 23 year old in the world - although you chose a previous partner who had some form of addiction and had a child with them. Hardly wise thinking but then you must have been very young for parenthood then. It certainly doesn’t come across that you are in a committed relationship that is ready to jointly consider creating a child. A year is no time at all, most people wouldn’t be moving in together after a year let alone thinking about children. He won’t reverse his vasectomy and in truth, probably shouldn’t. It sounds like he’s had enough failed relationships already and just wants uncomplicated fun now. You are providing that.
Only you can decide but I’d think you’d be better off with someone who was closer in age, at the same life stage and wanting the same things as you. I find men old enough to be your father a bit creepy and unhealthy, to be honest. The younger woman is an ego boost not a true partner.

My lo is my world but one day I'd like to give her a sibling of her own too.

I'm sorry to say this but in order to make this happen you will need to find a new partner.

Thing is, OP< you're being quite rude to posters yourself because you don't like what they are saying.

The fact of the matter is if you know one day you want more children, in the very early stages of dating someone you find out if they are on the same page as you. If they don't want children, then they aren't compatible with you and you stop dating them. It really isn't rocket science.

You tell us you're not immature, but some of your comments suggest otherwise, and you also have another thread where you have an issue over the fact that this guy is a soccer coach and will be spending time with his other child and his ex (their mother) and you're not happy about it.

So, you're not compatible and you have issues over him having an ex.

This relationship cannot possibly go anywhere,

Wake up and smell the coffee OP.

He’s too old for more children, doesn’t want more children band biologically doesn’t want more children.

Totally get why he’s with you, I think most men would rather be with someone younger than them but, this guy really Isn’t wanting another child.

And people aren’t being rude to you on here, they’re being honest

Surely you want to keep your options open? Staying with him closes off these as he’s a definite ‘no’. Even if you don’t know right now if you want more you’re still both incompatible whichever why you look at it, unless you definitely hand on heart can say you don’t want more.

Rip off the plaster. The sooner you do, the sooner you get over him (which you will) and the sooner you can meet someone else. Dating gets harder the older you get. Believe me.

You love him, yet you think what you want is more important than what he wants. You can brush that off as a judgemental comment if you want but that is essentially what it boils down to.

He is old to be a father to a baby now - having a child with a man in his forties comes with health risks.

A vasectomy says to me your partner really has thought hard about not wanting children.
No matter how much you talk to him about this, even if he eventually relented, you’ll be left with the nagging doubt he never really wanted children with you.

It can happen, my husband said he didn’t want kids when I met him in our early 40s, but I became pregnant age 46 (not unusual, I’d had my other kids with a different partner ‘late’ at 40 and 38) and he was happy with the news.

We lost the baby of course just a few days before the first dating scan.

You have a few options, some moral some not:
Leave him and hope you find a man who does want kids with you.
Be satisfied with the child you have.
Accidentally become pregnant (and risk him resenting you and possibly leaving you).

I mentioned Jeremy Kyle because a guy with multiple kids by multiple mothers puts me in mind of his guests - seriously. It's not a good sign as a partner or dad.

So everyone's focusing on the fact that he's had a vasectomy and doesn't want another child (and that's very relevant) but for me what actually matters as much or more is that - even if he had a vasectomy reversal or had sperm extracted - I really don't think he sounds like a good candidate to have a kid with. He hasn't had one successful relationship that worked out with any of the mothers of his kids to date (!!) And it's not one woman, one ex - it's several
You've already had a kid by an addict who couldn't be a proper partner to you and dad to your child ... Yet the next one yours lining up has a strong of broken relationships with women (plural) he's had kids with. Usually when people have kids they try much much harder to make it work, yet he's walked (or his behaviour has been so bad that they chucked him) several times already.

Of course they're all bitches and awkward and crazy -well that'll be his story ... What do you think their story on him is??!

That's what actually gets me - no offense but you seem naive and idealistic; and need to give the relationship way more time to see if it lasts the distance and find out what he's truly like over time. You're v young so you have plenty of time to have a second child (or more if you wish).

Also do you expect a woman/women who've been left holding the baby (babies) - and I doubt he sees his kids full-time or anywhere near it) having to be single mums due to a break up, the real reasons/ circumstances of which you actually know nothing about, you don't know their sides .... To be all happy and chilled and relaxed and go out if their way to make things easy for him and his latest (young) squeeze?? That's human nature.

Try and have a child with him and if he leaves you too, see how relaxed and flexible you are dealing with him and his new gf.

yet he's walked (or his behaviour has been so bad that they chucked him) several times already.

Oh and I know your response to that is probably "no, he left because their behaviour was so bad, they were at fault" ... What, all of them? More than one woman? That just seems a little bit unlikely.

Who is the common denominator and n all those failed relationships/family breakups?

I am sorry but my baby's father was not an addict when we was first together. It came over years of money struggling. And as my for current one. He has full custody of two of his girls as there mother was putting them in danger and then now has nothing to do with there kids. And the others he has them during the week and every other weekend and speaks with them every day so no he may not be perfect but it's a lot more than what some do. This wasn't a I 10000 want a kid and I'm sulking it was more how do I go around this situation do I see what time brings or am I being silly not me being immature or wanting at all I just wanted different views

he sees his children and pays for them whatever they need when there not being used as weapons which is quite a lot

Does he pay every month at at least the minimum CMS rate or does he buy them things when he sees them, which you imply isn’t that much?

And the others he has them during the week and every other weekend and speaks with them every day that sounds like quite a lot, so which is it? He sees them enough to have a close relationship with them or he’s hampered by a controlling ex?