Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Wanting another Child but partner doesn't

92 replies

hanna96 · 27/10/2019 23:52

Hi, just want a bit of advice.

So my partner has had a vasectomy in previous relationship after his other children.
I mentioned to him about a reversal and I get mixed messages. One minute he thinks about it then others he says he doesn't want more kids as he is in his early 40s I'm in my 20s. I love him more than anything and only have my one dd who is 2.5 years old. I really want one more child together something which is ours together. I love my step children but there mother makes it very hard for me and my partner. I am really struggling to come to terms with him not wanting a child together. How and what am I meant to feel, be like or even do. Please help cause we just keep arguing about this and I end up really feeling upset and hurting and don't feel I am good enough or that he loves me as much as he did with previous baby mothers.
Please help!!!!

OP posts:

Wildorchidz · 28/10/2019 11:40

How many ‘baby mothers’ does he have already? And he obviously took the decision to make sure he does not have another ‘baby mother’ by having a vasectomy.

MyDcAreMarvel · 28/10/2019 11:45

The age gap is too big and he sounds awful. There is nothing to gain from this relationship you are both using each other. Fast forward 20 years you will still be young with one adult child and a partner who is almost an old man.

Cheeseandwin5 · 28/10/2019 11:49

Sorry OP, I have to agree with you, there are alot of judgemental comments and those saying 'End it' as if that is the easiest choice in the world are just talking hot air. No one can make this decision apart from you.
You really need to have an honest conversation with him so completely understand what the situation is. Does he want kids, does he not want kids or is he not sure. Dont put too much pressure on him as you want the truth and not him saying things because he feels that's what you want to hear. In tandem , you should think what you want, if its a choice between having kids or being with him, what would you choose.
It will be a hard choice as whichever way you choose will cause heartbreak but if you don't you maybe just storing up for the future.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2019 12:02

he sounds awful

No he doesn’t

He completed his family and took steps to make sure his life wouldn’t feature any more children. How often on here is it said that if a man doesn’t want to be a fatter at all or to more children he should have a vasectomy?

When they got together OP knew his age, that he had older children and that he couldn’t have anymore. They’ve been together a year, A YEAR, and are arguing about her wanting more.

Yes he’s probably been stringing here a long a bit by pretending to entertain the idea of a reversal but she got into the relationship knowing all the facts and is being very unreasonable expecting to get what she wants with this man and causing arguments rather than walking away and finding someone else - nearer her age, who actually wants more kids.

AmIThough · 28/10/2019 12:05

People are being harsh because some of the comments you've made sound really immature.

I do see the predicament you're in but I think you need to consider his age and feelings. He'll be 60 before another child would be at uni. If he's not comfortable with that, I think it's really unfair to try and force him into it.

I think you're going to need to decide whether you want another baby or whether you want to be with him.

The good thing is that time is on your side, so if in 5 years you decide a baby matters more, you'll still have time with somebody else.

YouJustDoYou · 28/10/2019 12:09

Op, he's been there, done that, is in his 40s and probably the thought of going through the baby and toddler years again is not appealing in the slightest for him, not surprising at his age. It's not a case of "not loving you enough" - that's an immature and unrealistic view to hold. He is being practical and sensible.

Djimino · 28/10/2019 12:19

You've only been together a year. That's very soon to be thinking of kids even if he did want them.

He doesn't want another kid so it's up to you whether you stay or not.

MyDcAreMarvel · 28/10/2019 12:21

@AnneLovesGilbert the sounding awful has nothing to do with the vasectomy or not wanting more children. Don’t know why you would come to that conclusion.

Original poster

hanna96 · 28/10/2019 12:49

It's not about having a child now I mean in future or as a possibility. I am not with him for any other reason than love. I have my own house and car etc. I wouldn't want him to do something that he doesn't want but I can't quite find a way to feel or think. I am not someone who can just "leave" because I don't see what that will do. He has quite a few kids with different woman. But he is a decent dad. My 2 yo adores him too and he also provides for her like her father should do. I'm just baffled.

OP posts:

MyDcAreMarvel · 28/10/2019 13:11

He has quite a few kids with different woman. But he is a decent dad.
Op you are very naive if you can’t see those sentences are contradictory.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2019 13:13

Do you live together? You mention having your own house.

What leaving will do is give you both a chance to find partners who want what you want.

Bit risky letting your son get so close to someone you haven’t know very long at all where there’s such a big difference of opinion between you.

If he’s got a handful of kids by a handful of exes he was right to put an end to future baby making. He’s unlikely to change his mind and if he does you’re likely to join the ranks of the exes.

Winesalot · 28/10/2019 13:15

I think that maybe he is dragging his feet about confirming his decision. But, I really think you have to take his vasectomy as his decision.

In the future .... how far in the future. Are you expecting him to become a father in his 50s? This is a major commitment for someone with children already.

He is in his 40s with other children from different mothers. As a 40 something, it is like others have said. He has felt that he is done. He has had a vasectomy. I guess you need to acknowledge that You are the one trying to change his mind. And then be very honest why? That is the place to start if you are confused.

You need to work out your priorities for yourself. He shouldn’t be stringing you along (even unintentionally). so just take it that he is not going to change his position and make your decision from there. It does feel you are forcing him to make the decision to make you feel as loved as the other ‘mothers’. He must be an excellent ex for you to be thinking this.....

MarthasGinYard · 28/10/2019 13:16

'He has quite a few kids with different woman.'

'Quite a few'

I think he made what sounds like a very wise decision then to stop pro creating

Winesalot · 28/10/2019 13:20

He has quite a few kids with different woman. But he is a decent dad.

Actually in this I agree with Marvel. This would be a series of red flags for me. A string of exes with children from each relationship is not a sign of excellent parenting.

Lllot5 · 28/10/2019 13:32

I was with you until you said quite a few kids with different women.
I would be concerned even if he wasn’t older and had a vasectomy.
Think you have to decide if you want a child more than you want this relationship.
Do you think he’ll be more committed perhaps?
Has he a reputation as a ladies man?
Lots to think about.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 28/10/2019 13:35

I'm just baffled

I think you are trying to tell yourself that this is confusing and contradictory, because you don't want to face up to what you already know. Actually, the situation is pretty straightforward :

You are with a man who has had a vasectomy because he doesn't want any more children.

This has nothing to do with how much he loves you, or whether he thinks that the previous women were "good enough" to procreate with but you aren't.

You now have all the power to decide what you are going to do :

stay with him and not have a baby
end the relationship

What you DON'T have the power to decide is what he is going to do - you can't guilt, beg, sulk or demand your way into him getting you pregnant.

Good luck, op.

holrosea · 28/10/2019 14:24

OP, I am guessing that the 96 in your title puts you at about 23 YO. You may not be young and naive, but you are significantly younger than him and at a very different stage in life.

Having had experience with an older partner with vasectomy, who also toyed with my desire to have a family, I would urge you to concentrate on you and your little girl and let this guy go.

You clearly have a level of independence in your own house, job and car. Your LG is your family and you have plenty of time to find someone who really deserves you and shares your desire for more kids.

PS. I agree with PP that having multiple children with multiple women and being a great parent is contradictory. It suggests he's a great part-time parent but not much of a committed, long term partner.

Stephminx · 28/10/2019 14:30

@MMmomDD speaks a lot of sense !

Popcornfan2 · 28/10/2019 14:32

I don’t get this “you can’t help who you fall in love with”

Of course you can. You can date someone, find out some things about them and then decide that actually they don’t fit with your life plans. You can totally help who you
Fall in love with.

I read it all the time on here like it’s almost a force that can’t be stopped.

You are Young, you want more kids. There are millions of men in the world. This one isn’t for you.

Uponreflection · 28/10/2019 14:41

Not sure how many ‘quite a few’ is but it sounds like there were good reasons why he had a vasectomy.

georgia19ox · 28/10/2019 15:33

@nomoreclue & @Absolom I think its unfair on how negative you are being this is someone life! lets not belittle someone who is asking for advice. Her DP has clearly been giving her mixed messages so how is this her fault. winds me up when i see grown women belittle someone grow up!!!

TarMcAdam · 28/10/2019 15:44

He has quite a few kids with different woman

It's a good thing he had a vasectomy.
You'd probably end up being another ex baby mama. He doesn't sound v good at relationships or family life.

A year is actually a really short time. You don't even know properly yet. You're still possibly in the honeymoon period. (And many people would be of the opinion that it's also too short a time period for you have have introduced and combined your kids).

You're out of your tree wanting a child with this guy.

Is he rich or what? Either that or you lot are Jeremy Kyle contestants.

TarMcAdam · 28/10/2019 15:54

Also you really need to think about your child - when did you break up with her dad? She's only 2.5 so presumably not that long ago. You've been in a relationship with this guy for a year so at most she was 1.5 when you introduced a new/second man into her life. Now you'd like to bring another baby into her life in the near-ish dture; with a man who's no doubt v charming but doesn't have a good track record in marriage/relationships .... So it's not impossible (if you pause from skipping along in your romantic little "I love him so much!" headspace) that he might repeat history and break up/move on - so you'd have more instability & disruption in their life ... Slow down, take a breath, stop idealising him and have a think. I don't think you actually want to have a kid with this guy if you thought about him realistically, I instead of being stuck in love's young dream.

TarMcAdam · 28/10/2019 15:56

Maybe you ex was a level 10 bastard so you think this guy's great cause he's a level 5 bastard .... You need to take a step back here.

ExcitedForFuture · 28/10/2019 16:04

Baffled? It's not rocket science OP.

Older man has vasectomy = definitely doesn't want more children

It's that simple. He made that decision years ago, correctly as it's what he clearly wanted to do. It's not up to you to.try and change his mind. You will ruin your relationship by doing that.

Your choices are:
1 Accept you will only have 1 child and stay with him
2 Leave him and find someone who wants children

It really is that straight forward.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread