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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex has taken an overdose

109 replies

Chilli21 · 27/10/2019 01:01

I am sorry, starting this as I need a hand hold...

I am trying to split with my long term partner (25yrs). It has taken a long time but I now see he is emotionally manipulative and extremely selfish.

On Thursday we had a disagreement, raised voices on both sides and he ripped the cooker off the wall. Friday he gave me the silent treatment and took to his bed (usually happens if we have a disagreement and he doesn’t get his own way).

Today he packed a bag and left without taking his phone, wallet, keys or the car. He told me to tell the kids he loved them and to enjoy his pension. I didn’t stop him and worried all day that he had killed himself.

He returned home early evening, wet through, he had a bath and then came downstairs while I was sitting watching TV and had a go at me for not caring that he had gone missing. I admit it I was furious and told him to f*ck off and leave several times and offered to book him a hotel. I said that I didn’t believe he would kill himself and told him he was a selfish prick.

He left the room and came back with the backpack he had taken with him which was full of prescription painkillers (from when he had his back operation) tipped them on to the floor and told me to choose which tablets he should take first. I told him if he took any tablets I would call an ambulance, he started taking tramadol one at a time, I called 999. During the call he asked me to cancel, I started to say to the operator that I had rung by mistake and he then started taking more tablets so I to,d the operator what was happening and they sent an ambulance.

He has now been taken to hospital. My two kids are in bed now and I am sitting here in the dark worrying myself sick. I am so angry with him but couldn’t go to the hospital as my kids were so upset. I tried to speak to him before he went but he just ignored me.

I don’t know what to do and feel so shitty.....

OP posts:
newroundhere · 27/10/2019 01:08

Offering a hand hold until someone with better experience is here. This is not your fault. Your partner needs help, maybe he will get the support he needs now.

WomensRightsAreContraversial · 27/10/2019 01:13

Hand hold. That spa le a manipulative as fuck game he is playing. People who ate serious about killing themselves don't do it pill by pill in front of somebody.

Can you arrange to not be living with him asap?

Flowers
Original poster
Chilli21 · 27/10/2019 01:26

Thanks for the hand holds!

I so wish we could live separately ASAP! I have very little family support and it has been really difficult for me to establish good friendships as he has stopped that and I’ve been quite ashamed of the situation between us. He is a completely different person to the outside world.

I was desperate this evening and knocked on my neighbours door because I didn’t know what to do as the ambulance said that they could take up to 2 hours to arrive, thankfully it wasn’t that long. My neighbours were lovely and also really shocked by his behaviour.

OP posts:
ActualHornist · 27/10/2019 01:26

What a horrible, manipulative arsehole. He clearly doesn't want to die, he just wants to punish you - and your children - by thinking you've pushed him over the edge.

I'm so sorry Flowers

Loveablers · 27/10/2019 01:26

Hand hold

He has done this on purpose. This is just another reason why you and your kids are better off without him. It’s just part of his manipulative behaviour

Flowers
Original poster
Chilli21 · 27/10/2019 01:36

I feel terrible leaving him to go to hospital on his own. I couldn’t leave my kids, they are teenagers but still traumatic for them. His parents are dead and his sister has poor mental health and he has very few friends. He is used to me looking after him but tbh I am done with this which sounds awful!

OP posts:
TabithasMumCaroline · 27/10/2019 01:42

Get away from him. He is a manipulative and sadistic cunt.
Get as far away from him as you can, and never ever let him under the same roof as you again.
Now that he knows he can’t control and manipulate you by threatening himself, it is quite possible he will turn it on you. He is not safe to be around.
This type of man murders his own children because he can’t control their mother any more.
Get away. And keep yourselves safe.

testingtesting111 · 27/10/2019 01:47

He is controlling and manipulative. His behaviour is designed to try and get you to step in line. It's brutal but like others have said, if he was serious he wouldn't have turned it into a performance by taking one pill at a time. IF he does make a genuine attempt again and something happens, that will be on him, not you. You can't let him dictate how you live your life.

Vaquita5 · 27/10/2019 01:48

Chilli21. Sorry, unable to help but just wanted to say sorry you're going through this. As others have said, get away if you can and don't feel bad about it.

LeftoverPizza · 27/10/2019 01:50

He’s being manipulative, get away from him ASAP

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2019 01:52

Fuck him and his manipulation. If I were you, I would file a police report for the damage he caused and have the locks changed first thing in the morning.

AwdBovril · 27/10/2019 01:55

He wasn't trying to kill himself - people who genuinely want to die tend to do it in private. He was trying to manipulate & punish you. Please don't fall for it, you are not responsible for his mental health, happiness, etc. He's supposedly an adult, but he's basically thrown a massive tantrum - well done you, for calling him on it. And it doesn't sound awful at all, it sounds like you've had enough!

Original poster
Chilli21 · 27/10/2019 01:55

Thanks all for the support and taking time to reply. I know what you are saying about his behaviour is right, just need to stop this guilt gnawing at me. I am also really on edge about him being discharged and if/when he comes back. He is going to be really angry.

OP posts:
ClemDanFanGoul · 27/10/2019 01:56

Don't feel guilty get angry! He's done this to upset you and get your attention, the going missing and then reappearing upset that you haven't taken the bait, ramping up the guilt trip by popping pills one by one to prove a point.
He's a spineless shit who wouldn't have the guts to actually top himself in a million years.
This reaction is what he wants i.e. your attention, sympathy and guilt so that he can control you further, if you fall for this he knows all he has to do is get the pills out when he doesn't get his own way and you'll back down.
He's a controlling pathetic wank stain fuck him off.

Weenurse · 27/10/2019 01:03

Stay safe

itwaseverthus · 27/10/2019 01:05

The thing is op, he didn't even go missing He went out for the day without his keys/wallet. After ripping a cooker off the wall, I'd be tossing my dh out never mind fearing him missing! He's been manipulating and gaslighting you and you need to stop worrying about him and start focussing on how much damage this behaviour has done to your kids.

1forAll74 · 27/10/2019 01:12

It sounds like your partner has some mind problems, and perhaps he will get some help from hospital resources,when they know what he has tried to do. It's sad that he was trying to take pills in front of you,as for selfish sympathy,but you can't really help a person with such ways as this.

I hope your husband will be ok, but don't know what I would do if confronted by this kind of situation.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 27/10/2019 01:16

He was never going to kill himself. He wanted to frighten you into submission.

Don’t feel guilty, feel angry and use the anger to leave.

It sounds like he’s isolated you from friends/family, you will be surprised that if you reach out to them then you’ll get the help you need. I would also contact WA.

Remember abuse thrives on shame and being secret.

AwdBovril · 27/10/2019 07:28

So what if he's angry. Use the time he is in hospital (however long that is) to start / continue getting sorted out re: the separation. Get passports, all your financial & legal documents, copies of any financial documents of his (bank statements etc) so you can prove income. Take photos of anything you can't safely file away, & email them to yourself is the easiest way of doing this.

Who is to move out - you or him? Have you got/ will you need a solicitor? Do you/him have somewhere to go yet? If you are worried he's going to be violent again, contact the police (ripping the oven off the wall is violence).

And YY to contacting WA, & possibly your local council - I know mine have a domestic abuse helpline & volunteers, but I don't know if that's the norm. And tell your family, friends. Don't keep his secret, i.e. that he is a manipulative abuser. Most normal people would be ashamed or embarrassed if people discovered they have behaved as he has done.

Can I just point out from your OP - he went and had a bath before his "suicide attempt". I bet he got dressed into some dry clothes too. He knew you'd capitulate & either back down or (possibly) call 999. He didn't want to risk having to spend any more time in his cold wet clothes. These are not the actions of a suicidal person, but of someone who is used to getting their own way - & doesn't like it when they find out that there are other people who have needs & opinions of their own.

Fleetheart · 27/10/2019 07:33

You did the right thing. Please please please don’t feel guilty. This is a person who may be unwell but has shown no concern for you or the DCs for a long time. I say this as someone who has been in a very similar position. It is hard as there is not a lot of help out there. But you need to ask for some; to get to a place where you can live separately and not be feeling like it’s all your fault. Which it’s not.

Fleetheart · 27/10/2019 07:37

Your priority has to be your DCs. Start working on a plan. Yes speak to women’s aid. Also speak to your GP if you can; tell them about the suicide threats ; you need to get some support from somewhere, the GPS can often point to the right place

Tableclothing · 27/10/2019 07:37

He doesn't want to die, he just wants to upset you.

I am also really on edge about him being discharged and if/when he comes back. He is going to be really angry.

Has he ever hit you/held you down/physically prevented you from leaving a room/hit a wall/broken an object in anger/physically hurt you in any way/made any verbal reference to hurting you/done any of the above with regard to the children or anyone/thing else you care about?

Puta · 27/10/2019 07:41

I once knew of a man who did this exact same thing.

He went on to strangle his wife to death.

I was on the jury that convicted him.

Minorityreports · 27/10/2019 07:42

He'll have been got in time to receive treatment.

He needs help, as the break up is not going to go well for him.

Take care of yourself and your dc.

Itallt0omuch · 27/10/2019 07:46

You were absolutely right not to go to hospital with him. If I were you I'd be ringing the police to say you're scared about what he might do when he comes back. See what advice or help they can offer you. Ripping a cooker off the wall in a rage is a massive massive red flag. Who even does that?