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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex has taken an overdose

109 replies

Chilli21 · 27/10/2019 01:01

I am sorry, starting this as I need a hand hold...

I am trying to split with my long term partner (25yrs). It has taken a long time but I now see he is emotionally manipulative and extremely selfish.

On Thursday we had a disagreement, raised voices on both sides and he ripped the cooker off the wall. Friday he gave me the silent treatment and took to his bed (usually happens if we have a disagreement and he doesn’t get his own way).

Today he packed a bag and left without taking his phone, wallet, keys or the car. He told me to tell the kids he loved them and to enjoy his pension. I didn’t stop him and worried all day that he had killed himself.

He returned home early evening, wet through, he had a bath and then came downstairs while I was sitting watching TV and had a go at me for not caring that he had gone missing. I admit it I was furious and told him to f*ck off and leave several times and offered to book him a hotel. I said that I didn’t believe he would kill himself and told him he was a selfish prick.

He left the room and came back with the backpack he had taken with him which was full of prescription painkillers (from when he had his back operation) tipped them on to the floor and told me to choose which tablets he should take first. I told him if he took any tablets I would call an ambulance, he started taking tramadol one at a time, I called 999. During the call he asked me to cancel, I started to say to the operator that I had rung by mistake and he then started taking more tablets so I to,d the operator what was happening and they sent an ambulance.

He has now been taken to hospital. My two kids are in bed now and I am sitting here in the dark worrying myself sick. I am so angry with him but couldn’t go to the hospital as my kids were so upset. I tried to speak to him before he went but he just ignored me.

I don’t know what to do and feel so shitty.....

OP posts:
OhDeari · 27/10/2019 18:40

I'd call police and say you're scared of him returning to the house too.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 27/10/2019 18:47

Any update, Chilli21? I'm a bit worried. You haven't posted for ages.

Gingerkittykat · 27/10/2019 18:49

I'm assuming your kids were in the house when this happened?

I'm going to echo the need to protect you and your children and not feel guilted into taking him back or seeing him in hospital.

My concern is he will be discharged from hospital today, a few tramadol is likely not serious enough for an overnight stay and it is highly unlikely he will be offered a psychiatric bed.

Please start the ball rolling tomorrow to legally end this relationship and get him out of your house.

TimeForNewStart · 27/10/2019 18:52

Oh goodness what a horrible situation, he is completely gaslighting you. Absolutely NO NEED for you to feel any guilt whatsoever. I hope you can take steps to ensure you and your children start to feel safe from him. Flowers

Original poster
Chilli21 · 27/10/2019 18:55

The mental health person called me this morning to tell me he was being discharged and wanted to know the situation and if he could come back.

My ex had told them about ripping the oven off the wall. I explained that his anger frightens me, he’s previously smashed up the house and I don’t want him to come home. Our relationship has been dysfunctional for a very long time as he told me he doesn’t have any feelings towards me and, he hasn’t said this, but views me as more like his carer.

The problem is each episode gets more severe. He’s never apologetic and says that his behaviour is because he has self-diagnosed himself with ASD (our eldest DD has ASD) and also thinks he is in the first stages of dementia (his DF had dementia) so sees this as an excuse for everything and that he should be cared for.

He had told the mental health person that I was putting him under huge pressure to renovate the house which is stretching the truth as I have generally sourced tradespeople but wanted him to do some plumbing (he is a plumber by trade) and also sort some wiring (which he is competent to do).

I was a bit taken aback by the mental health worker’s view of how I should have reacted when he went missing earlier in the day. He made me feel a bit guilty that I had not reported it to the police because apparently they would have gone searching in the woods if they viewed him as being a vulnerable person.

I haven’t spoken to my ex, I missed his call on my mobile when out walking the dogs as I was in a dead spot. My DD told me he came home and she had to help him book a hotel as he didn’t know how to complete the payment, apparently....Hmm

OP posts:
TimeForNewStart · 27/10/2019 18:59

Oh god, he’s involving the kids?

But at least he’s moving out and into a hotel, is that right?

Penguincity · 27/10/2019 19:02

He is manipulative, my ex did the same numerous times. I got out, he carried on his same pattern with subsequent partners and in fact succeeded several years after we split. Our dc are doing better since he died. He is making his choices do not feel any guilt or responsibility

HappyHammy · 27/10/2019 19:07

has he gone to a hotel now?, that's a good thing, I would get in touch with social services and say you just don't feel safe with him being around, there can't be much wrong with his back if he can rip an oven off the wall.

Span1elsRock · 27/10/2019 19:09

Do not let him back into the house, OP.

You're not safe if you do.

He will be beyond angry.

Elieza · 27/10/2019 19:09

You are too good for that manipulative swine. Keep him the hell away from your home. The kids shouldnt see any more of his dreadful behaviour at home and normalise it. Get help from women’s aid as they will be able to offer advice, and if he thinks you are paying for his hotel he can gtf. He should pay. Cheeky pig. And to repair the cooker. He’s still appearing needy so you’ll mother him. What he needs is a giant foot up his jacksie.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 27/10/2019 19:11

We would all do well to remember that SOME suicidal people are just arseholes and maybe, deep down, they want to go because they know they are.

I suspect I'm in a tiny minority but I'm not sure why we all run around trying to save everyone who says they have had enough of this world for one reason or another.

00Sassy · 27/10/2019 19:11

I’m sad to see he’s involved your DD, I wonder what on earth he said to her about needing to stay in the hotel?
I bet he’s tried manipulating her into thinking it’s your fault somehow.

onthecoins · 27/10/2019 19:13

Who owns the house op? Is it in joint names?

MaeveDidIt · 27/10/2019 19:25

Violent and manipulative = dangerous.
With reference to the Mental Health worker - for the future please don't be embarressed or afraid to speak up for yourself and tell them the other half of the horrific story about his appalling behaviour.

You need him to be away from you.

MaeveDidIt · 27/10/2019 19:26

...also that Mental Health worker should really have known better.

Bellringer · 27/10/2019 19:30

Ignore him completely. Legal advice and get him out. Samaritans are there 24/7 to listen, look at mind website. Rethink have helpline.
Just look after you and dc. Don't be guilt tripped. His social worker can help with rehousing. Best of luck

Original poster
Chilli21 · 27/10/2019 19:37

onthecoins the house is in joint names. We aren’t married he never wanted to make anything formal, at the time it was hurtful but now I think I should thank my lucky stars for that.

DD is an adult with SEN who will always need my support. DS is 16. Children’s Services won’t be interested.

I know this sounds silly but I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. I’ve avoided my neighbours today, NDNs were lovely last night but goodness knows what they think. Don’t know what to say if the neighbours ask why the ambulance was called.

I’m quite isolated because my parents passed away and the rest of my family lives overseas. I have a few acquaintances but it’s not an easy subject to bring up and I hate to burden people with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chilli21 · 27/10/2019 19:42

HappyHammy yes he’s gone to a hotel. I think he has booked it for 3 nights. Your comment about his back made me chuckle; he portrays himself as a cripple.....

OP posts:
lasttimeround · 27/10/2019 19:42

Ignore the mental health person opinions
even if he had them, he only knows part of the story. Dont be ashamed or embarrassed.
Do not be manipulated into letting him stay

AlternativePerspective · 27/10/2019 19:42

The thing with people who play these kinds of games is that usually it’s only a matter of time before they succeed, he won’t be so bloody smug then will he?

Even if he is suicidal or has a mental illness (and let’s be honest nobody who is mentally right acts this way but mentally not right doesn’t equal mental illness, iyswim) but if he does, then it’s still not your job to have to be there for him at all cost.

The fact your DS is sixteen may actually be a good thing. What is his opinion? I’m guessing that at sixteen he will have voiced one?

holidays987 · 27/10/2019 19:51

He sounds quite dangerous to be honest. If he's willing to take strong tablets to manipulate you, what else is he capable of doing to hurt and manipulate you. He's involved your children now too, which is worrying.

I'd want to keep as far away from him as possible. Don't let him back in the house. You owe him nothing.

Original poster
Chilli21 · 27/10/2019 19:56

AlternativePerspective DS is really angry with his DF, they haven’t spoken since the overdose. DS usually voices his frustration to me and I usually find I have to ask him to be the grownup in the situation. Their relationship is usually strained as his DF deals with usual teenage drama in a really immature way and I usually have to intervene and be the voice of reason.

DS did’t see his DF when he collected his stuff today as I took him to a club he attends, which was a welcome distraction.

I am trying to be careful voicing my opinion as I don’t want either DD or DS to feel they have to back me up as that’s not fair on them.

Ex has just messaged DD a grovelling apology and she doesn’t know what to do or how to reply. I don’t know what to advise her. DD struggles with this sort of thing.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 27/10/2019 19:59

My ex was exactly like this .

He od Ed whilst looking after our newborn. I had gone for a nap . I also didn’t go to the hospital. I told ambulance I was too angry.He did things like walk out the house. No keys money etc . I was feeding the baby so carried on he was furious I didn’t chase after him. Taking an Od in front of you is the worst attempt at an od it was extremely manipulative ensuring you had to do something
The day I left he ripped the washer door off and told me baby wasn’t upset because he wasn’t crying. He had startled scared look on his face.

He also once went to a hotel. He later admitted he stayed there knowing we couldn’t afford it so I would let him home.

So I have really been through similar . He is abusive . Ignore mh worker. No one knows how they will respond till they are in it.

You do need to separate ASAP.

Do look at the freedom program .

Do not let him back in the house it will get better but once you can live again . You are currently programmed to feel guilty every time something makes him unhappy.

Original poster
Chilli21 · 27/10/2019 20:08

Starlight456 I am so sorry you went through all that. I really hope life is more peaceful for you and your family now. Have you managed to move on?

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 27/10/2019 20:08

Your dd doesnt need to reply, she can just ignore his message. It's not fair to drag them into this.