Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex has taken an overdose

109 replies

Chilli21 · 27/10/2019 01:01

I am sorry, starting this as I need a hand hold...

I am trying to split with my long term partner (25yrs). It has taken a long time but I now see he is emotionally manipulative and extremely selfish.

On Thursday we had a disagreement, raised voices on both sides and he ripped the cooker off the wall. Friday he gave me the silent treatment and took to his bed (usually happens if we have a disagreement and he doesn’t get his own way).

Today he packed a bag and left without taking his phone, wallet, keys or the car. He told me to tell the kids he loved them and to enjoy his pension. I didn’t stop him and worried all day that he had killed himself.

He returned home early evening, wet through, he had a bath and then came downstairs while I was sitting watching TV and had a go at me for not caring that he had gone missing. I admit it I was furious and told him to f*ck off and leave several times and offered to book him a hotel. I said that I didn’t believe he would kill himself and told him he was a selfish prick.

He left the room and came back with the backpack he had taken with him which was full of prescription painkillers (from when he had his back operation) tipped them on to the floor and told me to choose which tablets he should take first. I told him if he took any tablets I would call an ambulance, he started taking tramadol one at a time, I called 999. During the call he asked me to cancel, I started to say to the operator that I had rung by mistake and he then started taking more tablets so I to,d the operator what was happening and they sent an ambulance.

He has now been taken to hospital. My two kids are in bed now and I am sitting here in the dark worrying myself sick. I am so angry with him but couldn’t go to the hospital as my kids were so upset. I tried to speak to him before he went but he just ignored me.

I don’t know what to do and feel so shitty.....

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 27/10/2019 07:48

Please ignore my previous post, just reread your OP.

Is there anywhere you can go? If you can go anywhere else, do.
Do you know your neighbours at all? If so, can you bring them up to date with what is going on and all them to call the police if they see/hear anything that could be concerning?
Call your local police for advice. Tell them about the argument where he ripped the cooker off the wall, tell them about the "overdose", tell them that you are frightened. His behaviour is clearly escalating.
Call Women's Aid.

LucileDuplessis · 27/10/2019 07:49

Don't feel guilty OP. He did this entirely to make you feel bad. If he really wanted to end his life he wouldn't have chosen to do it with you watching, would he? He knew this method would fail because you'd call an ambulance. He is a master manipulator.

ForeverFaff · 27/10/2019 07:50

I'd also call the police. This is abuse. Once he realises his threats of suicide won't control you, he will switch targets.
Stay safe. Be hard.

Mummaofmytribe · 27/10/2019 07:52

Ring the police. Tell them what's happened, the whole story, from the violence in the house to the overdose. You're not safe if he comes back. He's out of control. Best of luck.

NomDeQwerty · 27/10/2019 07:53

This is all on him OP. Don't waste a moment feeling guilty. Take the line that he is clearly unhinged and a danger to himself and his loved ones. Insist that you can't have him back in the house on those grounds. Men have killed their families in this kind of situation before so you simply cannot risk it.
Insist he gets the help he needs but that he stays the fuck away from you and your children.
Obviously I think he's just an utter wanker but since he's decided to play this game, make sure you beat him at it.

ProfessorPootle · 27/10/2019 07:54

This is coercive control, like others have said he’s done this to control you into centering him and his feelings and doing as you’re told. If he comes home and is still acting the same can you get him sectioned?? I think you have to call police/ambulance and say he’s having a nervous breakdown and you’re in fear of your life.

My bf did this to me at uni when I broke up with him. We were living in the same house, same course, I had no friends as he’d spent whole 18m together isolating me. He’d force his way into my room at night and start saying he’d taken an overdose, by that point I couldn’t care less, luckily other housemates would get him out. Happened a few times before uni moved him from house (it was on campus). It’s a horrible situation.

Does he have anywhere else he can go? A friend or relative? Is the house rented / owned? Can u book him travelodge for a week and change locks? Keep your phone with you at all times. Good luck

OkayGoooouuuuuullllll · 27/10/2019 07:54

I'd be ringing the police to say you don't feel safe with him coming home because of the damage he's caused.

Srictlybakeoff · 27/10/2019 08:00

Do tho to the hospital or have anything more to do with him. Any sympathy you show will make him feel that this kind of manipulation is effective.

NotStayingIn · 27/10/2019 08:01

It’s really REALLY good you didn’t go to hospital with him. Don’t go, don’t contact him. You KNOW you are being manipulated, all this is to get a reaction from you.

He could have taken his pills alone somewhere with no one there to ring an ambulance. But he chose to do it in front of you. Please please never lose sight of the fact he is doing this to get your attention. I assume you would prefer not to get manipulated by this utter arsewhole for the rest of your life? So remember what he is doing and don’t fall for it! You need to get him out and cut off all contact. I also agree with ringing the police. He is dangerous. Good luck OP, you’ve come this far don’t blow it now.

billandbenflowerpotmen1 · 27/10/2019 08:10

It sounds as if the overdose was him attempting to punish you for how he has behaved and how he is feeling.
Has he a diagnosed personality disorder?
If you're serious about wanting to split, now may be an ideal time to do it while he's in hospital and being cared for by others. I could imagine him being discharged straight back to you otherwise and everything just repeating itself next week, month, year
If you decide to take him back it wont be long before he does this again ime, it will become his go to coping / punishing strategy

corpsebrid3 · 27/10/2019 08:18

He has emotionally abused the children by doing such things in their house.

Psychiatric liaison will inform the hospital safeguarding g team. If you also inform children and families there might be more of a discussion about how he cannot return their home until he can demonstrate stability.

GretelGreen · 27/10/2019 08:26

OP - this is terrible emotional abuse. Please do get yourself and your children away from this toxic man as soon as you possibly can.
I know finances will play a big role in your ability to leave, I have everything crossed that you are able to make a clean break.

lasttimeround · 27/10/2019 08:26

Hes a manipulative shit. Hes not trying to kill himself hes trying to get you back in line. Show him the door. Get every agency you can to get involved. You and your children are in danger.

BarbaraStrozzi · 27/10/2019 08:35

Manipulative bastard. As others have said, this is s form of coercive control and there is a real danger his behaviour may escalate. Do start with the police - describe his behaviour, make sure you mention the words coercive control (there's new legislation on this) and ask for their domestic violence unit to give you a call back. Also think about an occupation order for your house and starting the ball rolling on harassment orders - basically you want to try to ensure that legally he can't come near you. Also look into the possibility of supervised access only at a contact centre for your kids and talk to school/nursery about what paperwork you need in place to make sure he can't pick them up.

Moondancer73 · 27/10/2019 08:36

I've been in this situation with my ex and very stupidly took him back. It's blackmail and manipulation and you need to be strong and don't let him back into your life. He is your ex for a reason and his behaviour is vile and abusive. I do understand how you will be feeling but please don't, people like this know exactly how to play games with your head.

Sagradafamiliar · 27/10/2019 08:37

So sorry you went through that. I hope you can take this time to arrange a life separate from him for your kids' sake and your own.
Be prepared for him to be very angry on his return. Thanks

happytoday73 · 27/10/2019 08:45

What a horrible time you've had. How are you today?did you get any sleep? Lots of good advice here.
He is trying to control you. He knows he is loosing you and is getting extreme. He was trying to scare you back into doing what he wants. Please don't fall for it.
Tell him you won't put up with this. It's his life and he decided how to continue it (or not) ... Nothing to do with you. You won't be manipulated... Rinse and repeat
Good luck

MitziK · 27/10/2019 09:22

He's a prick.

Don't let him back in (the ripping the cooker out the wall - I really hope it wasn't gas - suggests that

a. He is violent

b. He is angry to the point of harming you and the DC

c. There's fuck all wrong with his back)

I'd also say either block him or ignore any messages.

If he's taken an overdose, his gp shouldn't give him any more painkillers, so he's going to be in withdrawal soon.

No sympathy. None at all.

WhenPushComesToShove · 27/10/2019 10:22

Personally I'd have offered him another glass of water for his pills! He's NOT NORMAL. You must protect yourself and your DCs from this nightmare man. As others have said tell police you don't want him back in the house because he's violent and manipulative.

RhinoskinhaveI · 27/10/2019 10:39

None of this is your fault you are completely and absolutely innocent.
This man is violent and abusive yes he needs help but it cannot come from you, you must protect yourself and your children from him at all costs.
He needs professional help from people who are neutral and have professional boundaries in place, you cannot be that person you need to distance yourself from him and build up your own boundaries.

GretelGreen · 27/10/2019 14:03

BarbaraStrozzi has excellent advice. Please, do speak to the police and explain what he is doing to you.

EileenAlanna · 27/10/2019 15:03

Contact the police. Tell/show them what he did to the cooker & his fake suicide threats & that you're scared of what he might do to you & your DC when he gets back from the hospital. These are really worrying signs from him.

BelfastmummyL · 27/10/2019 15:05

This man has a personality disorder that leads him to engage in manipulative behaviour. He will never change.

HollowTalk · 27/10/2019 15:05

That is the fakest suicide I've heard of. He's so manipulative, OP. I agree with the PP - talk to the police about this.

PrettyPurse · 27/10/2019 18:30

@Chilli21 - are you ok?