My ex has taken an overdose

[Chilli21]

I am sorry, starting this as I need a hand hold...

I am trying to split with my long term partner (25yrs). It has taken a long time but I now see he is emotionally manipulative and extremely selfish.

On Thursday we had a disagreement, raised voices on both sides and he ripped the cooker off the wall. Friday he gave me the silent treatment and took to his bed (usually happens if we have a disagreement and he doesn’t get his own way).

Today he packed a bag and left without taking his phone, wallet, keys or the car. He told me to tell the kids he loved them and to enjoy his pension. I didn’t stop him and worried all day that he had killed himself.

He returned home early evening, wet through, he had a bath and then came downstairs while I was sitting watching TV and had a go at me for not caring that he had gone missing. I admit it I was furious and told him to f*ck off and leave several times and offered to book him a hotel. I said that I didn’t believe he would kill himself and told him he was a selfish prick.

He left the room and came back with the backpack he had taken with him which was full of prescription painkillers (from when he had his back operation) tipped them on to the floor and told me to choose which tablets he should take first. I told him if he took any tablets I would call an ambulance, he started taking tramadol one at a time, I called 999. During the call he asked me to cancel, I started to say to the operator that I had rung by mistake and he then started taking more tablets so I to,d the operator what was happening and they sent an ambulance.

He has now been taken to hospital. My two kids are in bed now and I am sitting here in the dark worrying myself sick. I am so angry with him but couldn’t go to the hospital as my kids were so upset. I tried to speak to him before he went but he just ignored me.

I don’t know what to do and feel so shitty.....

Grade A cunt that one.

Disgraceful behaviour, you are well rid OP. You should have no guilt, no remorse - he does not deserve it.

Find your anger and stay strong until he's gone for good.

I would like to tell DD to tell him to f*ck off, it I won’t.

DD struggles with social interaction and communication and always defers to me to check texts and emails she sends as they can be very jumbled and unclear. DD is just doing what she always does.

DD says she doesn’t know how she feels, that’s quite common for her and we normal discuss things.

You are right flouncyfanny I will advise her to keep it short and sweet.

I'd block his numbers from their phones after this stunt.

You need to protect them.

He lost any rights pulling that stunt.

Yes after I left I never went back there was lots more stuff that went in we went into a refuge.

I think the final nail for me was my Ds was scared and he failed to even recognise this.

My son remembers nothing . His dad gave up contact after 2 years when he realised nothing he has to say or do impacted on me. I used to encourage contact then he came or didn’t.

Life as a Lp with no family support is tough but far happier than it would be with ex in our life

I'm glad to see the sensible responses. It is 100% true that most people who overdose and self harm are not properly depressed or mentally unwell but rather are being manipulative and trying to control others around them. They get so much press and it is always that the NHS does nothing to help them etc. I do feel some pity for these people but at the end of the day they do have a certain amount of control and choice over their actions. His behaviour is inexcusable. What a waste of an ambulance and hospital time and resources over a adult acting like a spoilt brat.

Op seriously you need to be away From Him. Manipulative bastard

Here's quite an interesting old abstract from the British Journal of Psychiatry The reasons people give for taking overdoses.

Seems even by their own account nearly one in five people who took an overdose did so to affect someone else. That's pretty high, particularly as you'd expect that most people who used an overdose to manipulate someone wouldn't admit it, even to medical staff.

I would feel that it was quite a violent act - albeit self directed.

For that reason, I would have to avoid him if you can.

Oh, the call from the mh worker asking if he could come back - been through that too. Very stupidly I said yes and my then husband carried on and manipulated me, when we fell out he'd tell me that he wished he 'hadn't been found when he overdosed'. It's the most vile thing anyone can do to someone else. Stay strong

Thanks Moondancer73 trying to stay strong. He’s moved on to harassing DD & DS to see him today, DD doesn’t want to go. Is trying to worry me by telling me he has gone long-term sick today and money is going to be tight & then asked how much he could afford for a flat to live in. I sent him details of spare room.com and said that at least he has lots of time to get it sorted. He knows I will be really worried about money as it has been tight

Please get some things straight in your mind today;

A) this man does not love you and means to hurt you. People who do this “I’m going to kill myself” proudly in front of you are telling you a message that they can do anything, including killing themselves and you.

B) the NHS will put massive pressure on you to take him back into the home. Don’t.

C) Social services will have been informed. They expect you to act protectively for your children. That does not mean granting access to someone with suicidal ideas who may be dangerous.

Yes money is a worry. But people who do A) are dangerous people and you need to protect yourself. That involves not thinking I can’t do this but that I must for the children and myself. This suicide attempt is an expression of his contempt for you and your life. He will continue to act in contemptible ways as he is now. But he is actually dangerous to you now. Act accordingly. Don’t engage in discussions about finance.

You need your friends, family and a lawyer. Somebody trying to commit suicide in front of you is a trauma. See your GP. Discuss your fears and perhaps what has been happening to you in the home. There will be things that you haven’t wanted to say here, I’m sure.

Don't respond to him or the MH team. He's gone & your responsibility for him is zero. You may be eligible for benefits so check the calculator. Tackle each thing you have to deal with going forward as a separate item or you might find yourself feeling swamped by it all. You're doing the right thing. Very best wishes
www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

As mentioned above, if he has moved out - look into benefits and council tax reduction. Do you get PIP for your DD?

How are you doing tonight op?

Hi Starlight456 I’m doing OK; thanks for thinking of me. I’m trying to keep busy.

Yesterday I told ex over text to start looking for somewhere else to live, he made some passive aggressive joke about living on the street. I didn’t reply. When he collected his stuff he left the leaflets given to him by the mental health team strategically lying around the house. He knows this will make me feel awful.

Ex has been in touch with DD and DS, I tried not to ask too much but they told me his hotel isn’t very nice. He has apologised to them, which is a first, he never ever apologises to me and says things like if I hadn’t done x, y or z then he wouldn’t have reacted that way.

I think I’m having a bit of a light bulb moment. His tears and upset are nothing to do with how he has made me and the kids feel they are all for himself. I’ve walked on egg shells, held down a f/t job and looked after the kids with minimal support and put up with this for over 20 years. He refused to do more. He will never change.

I’ve reached out to a friend and just told her everything, mainly to stop myself giving in and letting him get a foot back in the door. Writing it here too and communicating with other people is really helping; I hate being a burden on anyone.

Thanks again to all who have posted, I really appreciate it.

PrettyPurse I work full-time so I think it is unlikely I will be eligible for benefits, but will have a look. I don’t get PIP for DD, have explored this but the process was awful and I didn’t want to put her through it. Fortunately, with my support she is in full-time work and has been for about a year and pays some rent to me every month. DS is in college.

I also recommend you contact the police. His behaviour is now recognised as criminal domestic abuse - coercive control, undue influence and so on. It is often a precursor to serious violence. He has already shown violence by smashing up the house.

Do not let him back into your home.

So sorry you are having to go through this. Please also contact The Freedom Programme.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You are doing well .

Do check eligibility on benefits calculator. You may be entitled to uc if on a low income particularly whilst D is in college.

Do you have your own bank account ? Make sure wages are paid straight into there. You may well be too late for this month though

Do expect continual changes in his approach. These are simply a ploy to restore the old status quo.

Throw the leaflets away .

I am someone who has taken 5 overdoses over the years. I have recently had a week stay in a psychiatric ward following two overdoses in two weeks (first one was 60 co-codamol, second was 96 paracetamol). I am currently under the MH crisis team. As someone who has taken proper overdoses fully with the intention of ending it all, I can categorically say that nobody who is serious about ending their own life will tell anyone else that they are going to do it or take pills in front of anyone. Serious suicide attempts happen when you shut yourself away from everyone, don't tell anyone one and the only reason anyone finds out before it is too late is because you are found. In my case my mother was concerned because I hadn't answered my phone for 18 hours and as she knows about the demons I am battling she was worried enough to let herself into my house. That happened about 12 hours after I had taken the overdoses both times by which point I was not in a particularly good way.
Anyone who tells anyone that they are going to go and take an overdose or start popping pills in front of another person is 100% doing it to be manipulative. Serious suicide attempts are usually planned, notes left and you ensure that your kids etc are out of the house with someone who will look after them so they aren't the ones who potentially find a dead body.
If you were to make SS aware of things like him ripping the oven off the wall etc then it would immediately be a serious safeguarding issue for the kids. I have had to show SS that I have no desire to harm my kids and its only ever me that I harm when my depression gets in top of me and it doesn't happen in front of the kids.
Your ex is trying to control you and your kids in an unpleasant, manipulative way. I would be packing his bags and changing the locks. You need to protect yourself and your DC because he has already shown that he has violent tendencies. I think you would be foolish to let this man back in your life. Please make sure that you and your DC cannot be harmed by him.

 @UnicornsExist

I’m glad you’ve reached out to a friend. When you start being home about how things are with other people, their reaction will help you to realise that it’s not right. I hope you get good support which enables you to split from this man. It’s one thing to help someone out, but it’s quite another to be abused and bullied while you do so. It’s not fair and it’s not sustainable.

UnicornsExist hugs & to you, thank you and I hope you also get the support you need. x

@Chilli21 - how are you

@PrettyPurse I’m ok, or trying to be. Thank you so much for thinking about me.

Ex did not return. I had a crappy couple of days of worry when I didn’t know where he was as his hotel accommodation had run out but since found out he is staying with mutual friends. I’m quite hurt that our friends didn’t contact me to let me know, but I probably look like the bitch that has abandoned a suicidal person.

I can’t sleep very well so went to the GP, it was a complete waste of time as the GP wanted to talk about what had driven ex to want to kill himself and wanted me to bring him into the surgery, despite me explaining that he frightens me. GP then suggested the kids took him, I said that’s unfair on them. GP gave me crisis numbers to pass on to ex. I left feeling really angry but then questioned if I am a really terrible person and should be supporting ex.

Ex has been in contact by text asking how much rent he can afford & sent me details of places he has viewed. I’m not sure if he is serious or if he is playing games.

Ex has text to say that trying to kill himself was a cry for help and he is now going to be seeing someone and wants to change. He also wants to come back, I said no.