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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating a self confessed player

113 replies

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 09:38

I don’t know if I need a kick up the bum or reassurance but I’ve been seeing a man i met OLD for about four months now. He has always been very honest about how he used to be a player, usually gets bored at the 12 week mark, has cheated on exes and can go off a woman for no apparent reason. He said he told me all of this so that he could be transparent and he wants me to know he’s changed and ready for a serious relationship (we are both 31).
However I’ve noticed he ‘likes’ a lot of photos on Instagram of girls in bikinis or dressed up looking stunning - these aren’t random girls, they are girls he’s dated or slept with in the past. Also he met my brothers last weekend and they’ve both added him to social media but my boyfriend won’t add them back - he says ‘we’re not that far down the line yet.’ I haven’t mentioned it to him as I don’t want to appear psycho but I’m finding these little things a bit odd. If you look at his Instagram page (which always used to be private but is now public so any one can see it) you would think he was a single man. There’s not a sniff of me on there.
Also he split from his last ex 3 years ago and he said he struggled to get over her, hence going out and sleeping around a lot. He mentions her a fair bit and has told me about their rows which ‘sometimes got out of hand.’
Do players ever really change? He’s told me he’s ready to settle down but my gut is saying otherwise.

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 26/10/2019 09:39

If he tells you who he is...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/10/2019 09:39

Listen to your gut and raise your relationship bar a lot higher than it currently is. You're being used.

DogAndCatPerson · 26/10/2019 09:41

Avoid, avoid, avoid. You are being played

ooooohbetty · 26/10/2019 09:42

What a complete knob he is. Run. Now.

CaraConcerned · 26/10/2019 09:42

Rows getting out of hand? He means they got violent?
He's telling you all this now so he can do what he likes and then hold his hands up and say "you knew what you were getting into."

I'd run, far far away tbqh

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 09:42

Can I just ask which bit points to me being used - is it the Instagram stuff?
Thanks for the replies btw

OP posts:
ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 09:44

@CaraConcerned I did ask him if he meant violence and he said SHE tried to attack him so he grabbed hold of her hands
Funnily enough on social media this morning he’s ‘liked’ a post about ‘toxic women are worse than toxic men’ Hmm

OP posts:
sableandI · 26/10/2019 09:45

You already know the answer. Listen to your gut.

MotherOfSoupDragons · 26/10/2019 09:45

You know what you need to do.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 26/10/2019 09:47

Why are you still dating him?

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 09:50

@omniversals because we have such a good time when we’re together, he makes me laugh and says he wants us to settle down - I really want to believe him but after posting on here im feeling like a bit of a fool

OP posts:
TeeBee · 26/10/2019 09:50

Oh God, how many red flags do you need?

sanmiguel · 26/10/2019 09:53

Yeah you know enough now to walk away.

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 09:54

How am I being played though? I’d really like to know why posters have said that

OP posts:
CaraConcerned · 26/10/2019 09:54

Omg, total misogynist. He won't magically change at 31.

CaraConcerned · 26/10/2019 09:56

I think people mean you're a mug if you believe him.

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 09:56

Ok thanks @caraconcerned

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 26/10/2019 09:57

Oh, for heaven's sake.

He's laid out his stall. 'We can, if you like, but I'm a shagger.'

You have chosen 'Ok, let's do it, even so.'

Just remember not to get attached. And be ready to move on before he is.

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 10:00

So to be clear, no one on here thinks he could be a trustworthy, reliable boyfriend? Even though he says he’s changed these days and wants to settle down?

OP posts:
Musti · 26/10/2019 10:00

The guy I was seeing said he used to be a player before meeting his ex but said it all changed when he met his ex. He said he used to see 2-3 women at the same time. That he wasnt looking for that any more, just one woman. This was very early on - second or 3rd date. Thought at the time that it was weird to bring up something like that as it would have been about 16 years ago.

Anyway, caught him on dating sites. There were a few red flags things which I ignored because I liked him so much because he had loved bombed me.

Tableclothing · 26/10/2019 10:02

Have you met his mum? His friends?

Ime smitten blokes want you to meet their important people.

NewAndImprovedNorks · 26/10/2019 10:03

Why do you think this is what you deserve?
This is TERRIBLE behaviour from him and we have only heard the bits you have chosen to share.
Yuk

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 10:03

Yes I’ve met his mum but none of his friends
Although I got the impression he introduces a lot of girls he dates to his mum

OP posts:
ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 10:05

But @newandimprovednorks what makes his behaviour so terrible? I struggle a bit with black and white thinking and I often need things to be spelled out for me if you see what I mean

OP posts:
RootsShowing · 26/10/2019 10:06

Why would you even bother? He sounds like a dick.

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