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Original poster

Dating a self confessed player

113 replies

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 09:38

I don’t know if I need a kick up the bum or reassurance but I’ve been seeing a man i met OLD for about four months now. He has always been very honest about how he used to be a player, usually gets bored at the 12 week mark, has cheated on exes and can go off a woman for no apparent reason. He said he told me all of this so that he could be transparent and he wants me to know he’s changed and ready for a serious relationship (we are both 31).
However I’ve noticed he ‘likes’ a lot of photos on Instagram of girls in bikinis or dressed up looking stunning - these aren’t random girls, they are girls he’s dated or slept with in the past. Also he met my brothers last weekend and they’ve both added him to social media but my boyfriend won’t add them back - he says ‘we’re not that far down the line yet.’ I haven’t mentioned it to him as I don’t want to appear psycho but I’m finding these little things a bit odd. If you look at his Instagram page (which always used to be private but is now public so any one can see it) you would think he was a single man. There’s not a sniff of me on there.
Also he split from his last ex 3 years ago and he said he struggled to get over her, hence going out and sleeping around a lot. He mentions her a fair bit and has told me about their rows which ‘sometimes got out of hand.’
Do players ever really change? He’s told me he’s ready to settle down but my gut is saying otherwise.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 26/10/2019 11:19

@TarMcAdam
good point about the rows.
It means he is violent. And why wouldn't he be? He treats women like rubbish.

Jiggles101 · 26/10/2019 11:20

I think 'player' is synonymous with misogynist - someone who doesn't like or respect women, who doesn't see us as real people and who thinks the dating 'game' is essentially adversarial and they have to 'win'.

Honestly I'd run an absolute mile.

Original poster
ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 11:21

@burnoutbabe instagram is for all sorts of photos you’re right but a lot of people do post pics of family and doing things with their other halves. In my case he only puts up posey photos of him on nights out or ones where he is doing his hobby. This morning for example he put up an old photo of him on holiday from years ago when he was in decent shape - cue lots of women ‘liking’ the pic. It just seems so egotistical.

OP posts:
Jiggles101 · 26/10/2019 11:25

Ugh he sounds like such a knobhead - no men I know would ever post posey pics of themselves on nights out, how cringey

Gemma1971 · 26/10/2019 11:31

"Also he split from his last ex 3 years ago and he said he struggled to get over her, hence going out and sleeping around a lot. He mentions her a fair bit and has told me about their rows which ‘sometimes got out of hand.’"

The more likely truth is she dumped him for cheating and he continued on as normal... And the rows got out of hand because she kept finding out one lie after another and realised she was being taken for a mug.

Don't be a mug.

TarMcAdam · 26/10/2019 11:34

Regardless of the truth about their "rows that got out of hand" . He either sounds like he's not totally over that relationship/disallusioned by it and not ready for a real relationship - or - he's behaved like he dies now through that relationship too .. either way he doesn't seem like a good bet for a relationship.

Words are cheap and can be untrue - actions are what you need to look at.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 26/10/2019 11:34

Jeez. Seriously? Confused

Gemma1971 · 26/10/2019 11:35

I know some people will cringe at this suggestion and say nooooo... but you sound very doubtful and as if you want to believe he is a good person..?

So, test him. Set up an Instagram profile. Find an attractive photo online of his type (please don't shoot me down for this).... or just someone's curvy bum in a nice pair of jeans.... so no face... and add him on Instagram. Start liking and complimenting his ego pics and fire off a short message to him saying he is sooooooo cute..... is he single... you would LOVE to meet him, you just came out of a horrible relationship bla blaaaaaaaaaaaa blaaaaaa. See if he bites?

Personally I couldn't be arsed with all that, but if you want some kind of proof, see if he tells Miss Anon that he is taken... or not...

Notpretty11 · 26/10/2019 11:38

I would leave . Way too many red flags .

Savingforarainyday · 26/10/2019 11:41

His comments are carefully designed so that you lower your expectations.

It is a test- if you stay for this " introduction" to who he is, chances are you'll stay for the " main act" - him being slightly disloyal. He may not put his penis inside someone, but I bet he'll constantly push your boundaries.

He's already pushed them?

Robin2323 · 26/10/2019 11:50

Umm
4 months.
Early days.
Just take it slowly
It's called dating
Just listen to what he says and watch watch he does.

You never said if YOU are on his fb.

My dh was 30 when we met.

He was fed up with meaningless relationships and waiting a long time before we slept together.
He wanted someone he cared about.
Is your bf like that?

carolina21 · 26/10/2019 11:50

Why don't u post a PIc of u both together on Facebook and tag him . That will give u your answer

Original poster
ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 12:20

Neither of us are on Facebook, we’re only on Instagram

OP posts:
carolina21 · 26/10/2019 12:26

Well do that on Instragram then

TarMcAdam · 26/10/2019 12:32

he only puts up posey photos of him on nights out or ones where he is doing his hobby. This morning for example he put up an old photo of him on holiday from years ago when he was in decent shape - cue lots of women ‘liking’ the pic. It just seems so egotistical.

Those seem like dating profile pics, don't they; they're exactly what (sone) people put on dating profiles to sell themselves.

To me, that's what he's (still) doing, he's not acting like he's in a relationship.

Seriously I don't think this guy is a good bet.

TarMcAdam · 26/10/2019 12:35

Fwiw I've heard a guy say that FB is a dating/advertising/dating tool (if people choose to use it like that).. and i think that can be true about all SM. Seems like he uses Instagram like that.

Yeah you could demonstrate you guys as a couple on Instagram and see his reaction. But should you really have to, I think.his behaviour and background is saying it loud and clear.

TarMcAdam · 26/10/2019 12:38

Sorry about the double dating typo above. Blush

PicsInRed · 26/10/2019 12:56

A 31 year old shagger telling you about the shagging and violence is grooming you (your fault, he told you, right?) for some of the same.

My guess is that his friends and family are starting to marry and have kids and he's trying to figure out if you're acceptably compliant to give the job of his wife to, for the short term, have his kids ... then at some point be told to fuck right off to raise his kids by yourself. After a few years of cheating and abuse.

Just walk away, no woman's love is "special enough" to change these ones and this one's not a keeper. 🗑

Sunflower20 · 26/10/2019 13:13

Do you even need to ask?

SonataDentata · 26/10/2019 13:27

When a man tells you who is he, believe him the first time. And he’s not just telling you but SHOWING you.

TooTrusting · 26/10/2019 13:28

So many red flags.
This is the start of his campaign. He makes you feel special. You're the only one he's stayed faithful to.
Next he starts the cycle of pushing you away and reeling you back in.
All his exes are psychos - that post about psycho women. Really?
Hints at violence in case you hear rumours and to make sure you buy into his "version".

Please call 101 and ask for Clare's Law. They can disclose to you if he has a violent past

I went through all of this. The initial lovebombing made me feel so great and the cycle of punishment/forgiveness made me totally overinvest in the relationship. getting in first with an anodyne and one-sided and untrue versions of previous violence and stories of psycho exes made me disregard the warnings of others.
He stole all my money, beat me and terrorised my kids.
Get out now while you still can. Or at least request Clare's Law so you know the truth (if you ask for it he won't know).

Asymmetrical · 26/10/2019 13:30

Tell him at 11 weeks in that you want to call it a day, you're not feeling it anymore.

Otherwise you're asking to end up feeling stupid. You know this is on the road to nowhere. He's told you he's going to go off you and when he does he'll say ''I told you I was going to go off you and end it at 12 weeks'''. You're not being used but you'll end up feeling that you colluded in this cul de sac

YesSheCan · 26/10/2019 13:34

Sounds like he's giving you the 'I'm a player' disclaimer so that when he inevitably messes you around and you call him out on it, he can argue that he warned you from the outset so you can't complain. You really don't want to bother with this shit - he said he'd changed but he's showing you that he hasn't.

Asymmetrical · 26/10/2019 13:36

I agree with other posters, he's testing to see if you'll settle for half measures.

So far you have. If you want this to last you need to raise your bar, not accept more and more ambiguity. Tell him in a breezy way that mixed messages aren't for you. Clarity is what you want. That somebody's focused, certain affection for you and you alone is what works for you and that you're not getting the feeling that he's able for that level of intimacy and commitment that you're able for.

Breezy breezy - let him know he's not through to the next round. Then stop calling.

You'll be his fall back girl otherwise. Your life will be stress and your self esteem eroded every time he presses like on a girl in a bikini.

Honestly, just give him the speech above and mean it and move on.

TooTrusting · 26/10/2019 13:39

And he wouldn't acknowledge me on social media and constantly "liked" photos of other women.
Cannot believe I allowed that to be my life.

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