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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating a self confessed player

113 replies

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 09:38

I don’t know if I need a kick up the bum or reassurance but I’ve been seeing a man i met OLD for about four months now. He has always been very honest about how he used to be a player, usually gets bored at the 12 week mark, has cheated on exes and can go off a woman for no apparent reason. He said he told me all of this so that he could be transparent and he wants me to know he’s changed and ready for a serious relationship (we are both 31).
However I’ve noticed he ‘likes’ a lot of photos on Instagram of girls in bikinis or dressed up looking stunning - these aren’t random girls, they are girls he’s dated or slept with in the past. Also he met my brothers last weekend and they’ve both added him to social media but my boyfriend won’t add them back - he says ‘we’re not that far down the line yet.’ I haven’t mentioned it to him as I don’t want to appear psycho but I’m finding these little things a bit odd. If you look at his Instagram page (which always used to be private but is now public so any one can see it) you would think he was a single man. There’s not a sniff of me on there.
Also he split from his last ex 3 years ago and he said he struggled to get over her, hence going out and sleeping around a lot. He mentions her a fair bit and has told me about their rows which ‘sometimes got out of hand.’
Do players ever really change? He’s told me he’s ready to settle down but my gut is saying otherwise.

OP posts:

alreadytaken · 26/10/2019 10:08

he may genuinely believe he is ready for a serious relationship - but still engaging with a lot of exes and not having you on his social media means he isnt ready yet. He may be one day but at 31 I wouldnt be waiting around to find out.

Tableclothing · 26/10/2019 10:09

he told me all of this so that he could be transparent

Mm. Or he was testing the water to see how much you're prepared to put up with.

If you're having a good time, have a good time. But if you are hoping for a commitment from him, watch what he does, don't listen to what he says. The stuff about his social media makes it sound like he's lining up future shags, sorry to say.

Original poster

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 10:11

@alreadytaken we follow each other on social media but he hasn’t posted any pics of us on there. That’s what I meant about him looking single - you wouldn’t know he was dating me from looking at his Instagram page

OP posts:

GeneHuntLover · 26/10/2019 10:15

It's you again OP, another name change?

Original poster

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 10:16

@Tableclothing thank you for your reply, appreciate it. In all honesty I had a feeling the only reason he would be liking other women’s photos would be because he’s trying to get their attention. These women are all super attractive as well

OP posts:

Original poster

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 10:17

@GeneHuntLover er...no. I’ve been on MN a while but namechanged for this. Haven’t posted on the relationship board before

OP posts:

Original poster

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 10:17

@GeneHuntLover please do report me to MN if you think I’m a troll or something

OP posts:

Lllot5 · 26/10/2019 10:23

He has told you all this so he can just shrug and say that he warned you what he’s like.
I honestly, seriously don’t know why you would bother. Find someone who isn’t a dickhead. Three and Half billion men in this world. Just why would you ?

PositiveVibez · 26/10/2019 10:24

Let's stop using the word 'player' here and call it what it is. He means he treats women like shit. Top and bottom of it.

So he's not a 'player'. He is someone who thinks it is okay to use women.

As a pp said, you can never call him out on his behaviour because he has told you he is a twat, so you knew what you were getting into.

As another pp said - set your bar higher!!

Ronnie27 · 26/10/2019 10:24

Do exactly what he’s doing to you. Mention all the attention you are getting from other men, like their photos, try and look like you’re actively avoiding any commitment to him. Seem unsure, disappear for a few hours occasionally, post dressed up selfies and go out with our friends as much as possible. Keep him on the back foot. He will hate it and try to tie you down. It’s the only way to deal with idiots like this and I guarantee that by the time he’s desperate to be with you you will just find him pathetic and not want him. He’s playing a well known game, mess him up. You don’t want to be with a guy like this.

RantyAnty · 26/10/2019 10:29

Listen to your gut. It's warning you about him.

How do players manage to be such good players?
They lie! He knows how to lie. He knows how to tell you want you want to hear.

The reason he is a misogynist is because he used women for whatever he can get and discards them like trash. This shows he has no respect for women and likely hates women.

His so called honesty is just a con that I imagine he's been telling women for a long time. Oh I'm a changed man blah blah blah. Men lie! Players especially lie!

He's pretending to be your bf but his actions are saying he's single and ready to mingle. I hope you get checked for STDs cause who knows what he has.

You're 31 not 15. You know what he is.

Original poster

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 10:36

Thanks so much for the replies and advice, I’m popping out now but will be back on the thread later

OP posts:

scoobydoo1971 · 26/10/2019 10:44

There is nothing wrong with dating a 'player'...former or current...as long as you understand this has no long term future. It may be fun now, and like others say, you need to look after your health with such a man...however, it is not going to last. Enjoy it for now, as a bit of fun if you wish. Don't take him seriously or believe a word that he speaks. I assume he is an attractive man, he dated other women who you describe as being physically well turned out, he is dating you...he will date more women in the future. Your best predictor for how a man will treat you is how he has treated other women before you. Since he lies and manipulates, you cannot determine this from what he tells you. Look at his actions....not acknowledging you on social media, not treating you like a proper girlfriend, using the toxic label, following girls on social media. The red flags are flying high...now decide if you want to accept them, or run for the hills.

ainsisoisje · 26/10/2019 10:45

This guy is surely knows that a woman around 30 is not going to want a player. So a clumsy attempt at pretending not to be a player seems about right.

Fluffyhairforever · 26/10/2019 10:51

He sounds horrible.

TeaMeBasil · 26/10/2019 10:54

I think if he really had changed then you'd not be having to question it, his behaviour would show you that he's a different person now. As it is, you're hearing his words but seeing the behaviour of the person he's saying he 'was'. The fact that you've had to start this thread shows that you know that, even if you struggle with black & white thinking.

I think he is saying what he thinks you want to hear to reel you in while giving himself a get out of 'well I was honest with you' when he carries on being a player & it all falls apart.

I know it's hard when you like someone but I'd walk away before you get too attached. You have to take notice of his actions, anyone can tell you anything, how they behave is where the truth is.

madcatladyforever · 26/10/2019 10:56

Really??? I wouldn't even look at a man like this. They never ever change and they know how to be charming as they have had lots of practice.
One employer I had was one of these, he said to me once women are so easy to reel in, it's like shooting fish in a barrel.

Gemma1971 · 26/10/2019 10:59

How old are you OP?

You sound very young. You have all the time in the world and your pick of men.

Don't just put all your eggs into this one basket. He has told you he is a player... he did that to ensure your expectations bar was lowered and to see what you will tolerate. The stuff about wanting to change is probably bullshit. Actions always speak louder than words.

I am late forties, so have a different perspective. I find the whole Facebook thing superfluous and Instagram.. arghhhhh.... as a society, I think we would be much better off without them in many ways. The avoiding connections on social media could mean something, or it might not.

But you don't even need to know any of that. He has told you he is a player. Believe him. Enjoy the sex and use a condom ALWAYS.

Nyctophyllia · 26/10/2019 11:07

Dont listen to his words, watch his actions to see if they match, do far they dont..
He says he is ready for a serious relationship but his actions show that he isn't ie having no sign of you on social media, not adding your brothers, what is he hiding ?
Hes told you clearly what he's like, hes set his stall out so when he acts like a player well...you can't say he didnt warn you, and make no mistake he is warning you
Run for the hills and dont look back, these men dont change, listen to all the voices of experience on here and dont be his next victim

TarMcAdam · 26/10/2019 11:07

His behaviour on SM, his lack of acknowledgement of you as his gf to his friends, his family (except mum whom you said you don't think it's special to be introduced to) etc. ... Combined with his background ... I wouldn't advise you to keep seeing him (or at the very least not take it seriously; but you don't sound like the sort of person who could stay detached, most people can't).

milliefiori · 26/10/2019 11:10

He sounds revolting but at least he had the grace to tell you he's revolting. Listen to him. Don't get attached to him, don;t show any signs of attachment of sotening. never put up with anything at all and distance yourself from him by having a good think about your standards and raising them.

burnoutbabe · 26/10/2019 11:11

I don't think Instagram was for showing who you date? It's for pics of stuff.
Facebook is for your normal life. Are you friends on that? Are you tagged as doing things together when you go out?
He sounds okay to me, it's only 4 months, he doesn't want to be adding all your family right away to his friends list yet.
Just see how it goes. Though I'd be wanting to tag him on Facebook and he wondering why he wouldn't let that happen.not to say you are in a relationship but he is happy to be saying that you are in his life right now.

TarMcAdam · 26/10/2019 11:12

Don't like the sound of the rows that "got out of hand" with his ex either

What were they rowing about - his behaviour perhaps? Maybe he acted that way while in a relationship with her as well. It's not unfeasible.

Plus people (men particularly) tend to underplay violence in rows ... I doubt he it held down her hands while she attacked him, I've heard a few stories like that and the men always minimise what happened, on their side of course. They were always forced to restrain a crazy, hysterical woman. I bet if you ever got talking honestly to his ex, you'd hear a different version.

CouscousEvaporator · 26/10/2019 11:15

Heed his warning OP.

carolina21 · 26/10/2019 11:19

He is telling you himself who he is ? Yet u choose not to listen

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