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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating a self confessed player

113 replies

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 09:38

I don’t know if I need a kick up the bum or reassurance but I’ve been seeing a man i met OLD for about four months now. He has always been very honest about how he used to be a player, usually gets bored at the 12 week mark, has cheated on exes and can go off a woman for no apparent reason. He said he told me all of this so that he could be transparent and he wants me to know he’s changed and ready for a serious relationship (we are both 31).
However I’ve noticed he ‘likes’ a lot of photos on Instagram of girls in bikinis or dressed up looking stunning - these aren’t random girls, they are girls he’s dated or slept with in the past. Also he met my brothers last weekend and they’ve both added him to social media but my boyfriend won’t add them back - he says ‘we’re not that far down the line yet.’ I haven’t mentioned it to him as I don’t want to appear psycho but I’m finding these little things a bit odd. If you look at his Instagram page (which always used to be private but is now public so any one can see it) you would think he was a single man. There’s not a sniff of me on there.
Also he split from his last ex 3 years ago and he said he struggled to get over her, hence going out and sleeping around a lot. He mentions her a fair bit and has told me about their rows which ‘sometimes got out of hand.’
Do players ever really change? He’s told me he’s ready to settle down but my gut is saying otherwise.

OP posts:
TarMcAdam · 26/10/2019 13:40

My guess is that his friends and family are starting to marry and have kids and he's trying to figure out if you're acceptably compliant to give the job of his wife to, for the short term, have his kids ... then at some point be told to fuck right off to raise his kids by yourself. After a few years of cheating and abuse.

Is worry about that too.

MrsAJ27 · 26/10/2019 13:53

Things really shouldn't be this difficult 4 months in.

Just move on and don't waste any more time on him

Groovinpeanut · 26/10/2019 14:04

OP going by what you've written it would seem he's seeing you as has with many women as not 'Miss Right' but as 'Miss Right' Now' meaning you'll do for now. He's set his stall out with you and told you all about himself. Once he did that you were faced with two options leave or stick around. You obviously chose to stick around. He's now of the impression you'll be unable to question or complain about anything he does.. you'll be told he told you all about himself, and he's being who he is. How many women do you think he's fed the ' I'm ready to settle down line to?' What better way to lower women's defences? So many women think that they can change these 'bad boys' sadly you can't, he's told you who he is...believe him!
Only you know how you feel, and it's a decision only you can make. Just protect yourself in all ways that you can.

ISpeakJive · 26/10/2019 14:23

You’ve only been with each other four months and if he hasn’t put any ‘loved up’ photos of you both on Instagram, what does that tell you?

Also he’s said he want to settle down blah blah blah but has he actually given any indication that your relationship may be headed that way?

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 14:38

Lots to think about...clearly the majority of posters think I should get rid

OP posts:
VixenSixen · 26/10/2019 14:54

A guy can tell you absolutely anything - players are especially good at the sales pitch and knowing to say all the right things they are charming, charismatic and they can almost put you under a spell with their words......

But what you have to look at is ACTIONS, if he's making you second guess yourself and making you feel uncomfortable about his behaviour then you really need to take a step back. Everything should be amazing in the beginning, no doubts no nothing.

He sounds like really bad news.

What advice would you give a friend in your shoes - be brutally honest with yourself here.

Better still - confide in a close friend and see what they say, you probably haven't told anyone IRL because you don't want to hear the honest truth and a good friend will give it to you.

X

memaymamo · 26/10/2019 15:01

Lots to think about...clearly the majority of posters think I should get rid

Just the majority? I think we're at 100% surely. I really hope you walk away.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 26/10/2019 15:10

Is it an ego boost or insecurity that encourages women to get involved with men like him. They think they will be the one he wants to settle with. Trouble is every one of his girlfriends have thought that.

If a man tells you who he is, believe him.

Closetbeanmuncher · 26/10/2019 15:25

Unless manwhores and sloppy seconds are your thing run like the wind.

Never listen to what people say OP always look at what they do....at your age you should know this.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 26/10/2019 16:14

The best advice I ever got about men was "actions speak louder than words." And it's so true.

He can say he wants to settle down until he's blue in the face, but if his actions are the opposite then it's all just hot air.

Kittykat93 · 26/10/2019 16:20

Op this is the beginning of the relationship where he is on his best behaviour. And he's already oggling other women blatantly in front of you. It will go downhill from here!

pikapikachu · 26/10/2019 16:27

His confession about being a player is so that when he cheats, he'll be able to say that you knew what he was like.

Have you tagged him in your pics of the 2 of you together?

This is a total red flag party. If you're after someone to settle down with you need to ditch him and find someone more suited to you.

Ragwort · 26/10/2019 16:28

FGS are you so desperate for a man in your life that you will put up with this? Quite honestly I despair of your attitude, get rid of him and find yourself some self respect.

category12 · 26/10/2019 17:04

He's told you all about himself. Believe him.

category12 · 26/10/2019 17:05

You're imagining yourself as the one he changes for. That's a fool's game.

ChristmasFluff · 26/10/2019 17:18

OP, listen to your own doubts.

If you truly believed he'd changed, you wouldn't be asking this question on Mumsnet. You don't believe him - and for all the good reasons PPs have outlined

rvby · 26/10/2019 17:28

Even though he says he’s changed these days and wants to settle down?

OP open your mouth and make some sounds.

Was that easy to do?

That's how easy it is for him to open his mouth and make sounds too.

If you want to take a great leap forward in dating and life, remember this: the cheapest thing in the world is talk. Cheaper than chips and easier by far.

He sounds appalling but maybe you are into that sort of thing. My dp was similar age when we met and was very wary... he never said any of these things, he just politely and respectfully gave it time and it all worked out. The way this guy operates screams "I hate women" tbh

ThisNeedsToBeAnon · 26/10/2019 19:05

@Ragwort there’s no need to be so rude!
I’ve taken on board everything that’s been said and I’ve decided to end this ‘relationship’

OP posts:
Ragwort · 26/10/2019 19:37

Well done for ending the relationship.

SoftBlocks · 26/10/2019 19:39

Sounds like a knob. He will probably behave like a knob and then say ‘But I told you I was a knob...’

memaymamo · 26/10/2019 22:51

Well done OP. I understand how these things are never black and white when you're in them.

SelkieSaAbhaileAnois · 27/10/2019 17:00

Good for you @ThisNeedsToBeAnon,
I'm trying to retrospectively live through you here 🤣 but please please end it by telling him that you're not feeling it anymore but best of luck. If he presses you, tell him with a shrug that the half-heartedness is a bit of a turn off.

Loopytiles · 27/10/2019 17:05

Glad you’re going to end it. The best time to dump him would have been when he explicitly told you how he treated women.

HollowTalk · 27/10/2019 17:11

The thing is that a lot of players are goodlooking, funny and charming. They use this to draw people in and then when they are fed up or bored, they just reel in someone new.

I think a lot of players have a moment or two where they regret the way they are and wish they could have a stable relationship. They are honest about the way they behave and say - quite truthfully at that point - that they wish they could change.

HOWEVER, whether it's due to a weakness in character or what, they always, always revert to type.

Now this man told you what he's like, and because you were charmed by him, your mind couldn't accept that actually he was telling the truth. You thought that charm was just for you - it's intoxicating being drawn in by men like this. But they use this charm on everyone - just notice how often he turns it on, especially if he's done something wrong. I bet there are police officers on here who could say these guys will always have a winning smile and a quick joke, a compliment or two, to try to get out of the fact they've driven badly or parked illegally. It's what they do - they would have been charming babies, children, young men. It's how they get what they want.

You need to treat this man as though he's an addictive substance - you are addicted to him. You know he's bad for you - he's like the notice on a cigarette box which says it will kill. He's told you as clearly as that that he will hurt you - not intentionally, maybe, but you will get badly hurt if you carry on seeing him.

And as for his manhandling his previous girlfriend - god, OP, he's actually told you that. Take it as a warning.

SelkieSaAbhaileAnois · 27/10/2019 17:14

Yes. I have been through this shit, and when you pro-actively walk away, once, even though it is hard, your bar is higher next time around. In an easier way. Less effort to walk away. You just think offs and get turned off without the internal debate!