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Original poster

BF says he had cancer I'm now doubting this!!

107 replies

anxiousannie90 · 25/10/2019 20:09

I'm starting to doubt that my BF ever had Oesophagal cancer.

We split up in March of this year and he got back in contact with me a week later with a long email saying how sorry he was and how could he tell his new GF that he had anxiety and had suffered Stage 1A Oesophagal cancer 3 years ago.

He said that he had surgery where part of his Oesophagus was removed and then stretched to be reattached to his stomach.

Now I just didn't even think until he let me use his laptop last weekend to order some things. I went into chrome and there at the top was a document called Treatment for Oesophagal cancer Confused bookmarked. So I'm like why would he have this as he bought the laptop just as we started to see each other so definitely less than 3yrs old.

I went into it and it is nearly word for word how he described his treatment on the text he sent while we were not seeing each other.

Now I've done some googling about this and it seems to entail major surgery. The thing is he doesn't have any scars on his chest or on his sides.
I understand that there's a non evasive approach however this doesn't involve removing the oesophagus just the tissue or rejoining of the stomach.

I know call me naive but until recently I didnt even think to doubt him because I do try to believe in people and I just wouldn't have thought he would use cancer to get me back.

It's now causing me to doubt other things he's told me.

So what do I do, should I ask him why he's not got any scars or should I just leave it?

I'm just so confused Confused

OP posts:
SingingLily · 26/10/2019 07:10

I second everything PhilCornwall1 said.

My DH has had two types of cancer, one slow-growing and one fast, aggressive cancer. Both required surgery and radiotherapy and the latter also involved chemotherapy.

He knows the name of his consultants. He is called for review at the hospital every six months and those dates are set well in advance. If he didn't attend a review for any reason, the hospital would send reminders.

Anyone who had to undergo the sort of surgery and treatment your boyfriend describes would be so grateful to have got through it that they wouldn't dream of being so cavalier about their ongoing health. Cancer is no joke. Not for cancer patients and certainly not for those who love them.

Your boyfriend undoubtedly has a problem but it's not cancer. Sorry.

WeeDangerousSpike · 26/10/2019 07:15

Not that I don't think OP's BF is lying, cos I do! But pp realise there's more than one sphincter, right? It's just a ring of muscle that opens and closes, there's one between the oesophagus and stomach - there's even one in each eye that manages pupil dilation.

StinkGhoul · 26/10/2019 07:35

I don't make follow up appointments to see him. At the end of my consultation with him, he fills in a form that says when he next wants to see me and I hand that in to Reception and my next appointment is made for me and a letter comes in the post.

This is how all our appointments work too. Except there’s one specialism where the appointments never come. Every time one is due I have to call to point it out, then they apologise and schedule the next available which is months away. So I wouldn’t say he’s lying on this alone.

OP, either he had the less invasive treatment and he’s lying about the severity, or he’s lying completely. Even keyhole procedures leave scars.

UndomesticHousewife · 26/10/2019 07:58

Having treatment research on the laptop doesn't mean he's lying, when my dd has cancer I could have become a doctor myself I did that much research.
But he would definitely know his consultants name. I knew dds consultants name as well as his secretary, we still see him a few years later. They send the appointments out we don't call to make the appointments, and if you miss it they send another appointment out.

Frazzled2207 · 26/10/2019 09:24

Why don't you breezily say something like

"So I mentioned to a colleague at work about your cancer- she had it too- and she was telling me how good her hospital are at sending her follow up appointments. Which reminds me did you get it, if not you really should chase"

If it you're feeling braver said "friend" could have had the same cancer and is wondering who your consultant is.

And next time he's bare chested day in a jokey fashion
"So you just Have some impressive scars from your operations"

PhilCornwall1 · 26/10/2019 09:54

An alternative to all the questions and game playing could be to just come out and say to him that you have doubts about what he is saying, because it's the truth, you do have doubts.

Sunsoottitsoot · 26/10/2019 10:09

I get my annual check up dates for the next year at my current appointment (so in 2020 they'll give me an appointment for 2021).

I haven't had oesophogeal cancer, but from what I know it can be tricky to treat with chemo and radiation. Its hard to know the extent of it because of where it can start. That said, I think hes talking bullshit because the surgery he claims to have had is massive and horrendous. If the removal was by endoscope I think it would be ongoing because it cant all be removed by that method.

You can’t eat like a horse when you have a hiatus hernia. He’s a pathological liar.

Bullshit. Ive had a hiatus hernia for years and sadly it hasn't slowed me down.

labazsisgoingmad · 26/10/2019 13:21

Id expect major scarring maybe be on medication and his eating affected

dontgobaconmyheart · 26/10/2019 13:39

The relationship seems over anyway and like it isn't going anywhere OP so why not just ask him for further info or even better just end it. Obviously a great deal is suspicious about what he's saying and the timing he said it, you don't trust him anyway, haven't met his family.

If he's fabricated cancer he is obviously not well mentally and has issues, I'd just leave him and that be his own problem to deal with.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 26/10/2019 13:48

Anyone who lies about cancer is a sick bastard. Watching my darling husband die from it broke my heart, like Elderflower says I can't imagine anyone having the brass neck to lie, it is disgusting. If you find out he is, I hope you tell him what an arsehole he is.

TowelNumber42 · 26/10/2019 16:49

There is a very easy way to find out if he's a liar. Call the ex wife and tell her very briefly what he said about her surgery and him taking care of her for a week. Then be silent. Wait for her response. You and I both know she will tell you he lied. Then you can dump him just for that never mind the cancer.

Though tbh, I can't imagine why you are not dumping him already. He's clearly lying through his teeth. Why on earth don't you trust your instincts? Why don't you then translate that into a dumping? Is there something super special about him, or you?

MoreProseccoNow · 26/10/2019 19:55

Initially I thought he meant Barrett's oesophagus, which means pre-cancerous cells, however it sounds like he had a patrial oesophagectomy with gastric pull-up & radiotherapy.

Have a Google of these terms & see if things add up, OP.

PrettyPurse · 26/10/2019 20:12

Did he say where he went post op? HDU, ITU ...or was it day surgery Hmm

Graphista · 26/10/2019 20:33

IF he’s genuine (which I doubt to be honest) he will absolutely know without having to google:

The names of his consultants/surgeons

Where he was treated

How often he had to have x treatment

These are also things YOU can check re local cancer services before asking him so even if he makes up names you’ll know.

But I’d lay odds he’s full of it!

Original poster
anxiousannie90 · 26/10/2019 22:28

Thanks everyone for your replies. I still have the original email from him stating what he had done to him, but I can't attach it.

I'm not seeing him this weekend but I'm just off the phone to him and about 30mins in I just happened to ask him if he's actually heard from the hospital about his appt. He was very off with me and said that he still needs to chase it up.

I always give most people the benefit of the doubt but my stomach doesn't stop churning when I think about it.

I do believe he's got stomach trouble however I don't think it's as serious as Cancer.

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiousannie90 · 26/10/2019 22:36

@MoreProseccoNow. I thought he might have had an endoscopic mucosal resection, which is for pre cancerous and early stage cancers. But this is a tube fed down the oesophagus and they take away tissue.

This is not what my OH described.

I know that he's lying but don't know what to do as I'm in my 40s and I really don't want to be on my own again 😣

OP posts:
SummerbodyIwish · 26/10/2019 22:46

I am a nurse and used to work in this area and looked after patients who had this done. It is massive surgery with large wounds. Why don't you ask him?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 26/10/2019 23:47

I know that he's lying but don't know what to do as I'm in my 40s and I really don't want to be on my own again
Seriously? Being on your own is far preferable to wasting your life with a lying sack of shit. Even if he isn’t lying about the cancer, you know you don’t trust him. From everything you’ve posted, it’s obvious that you are looking for an excuse to dump him. You don’t need an excuse -
And the fact that you don’t trust him is
Reason enough. Just get on with it. Life will be far more enjoyable and less stressful when you do.

StealthPussy · 27/10/2019 01:18

You don’t know what to do???
I don’t understand. So you are considering staying with someone who lies to you about major things for the rest of your life because you don’t want to be single for a while? Annie, that’s nuts and you know it.

Loveablers · 27/10/2019 01:23

Sorry OP but you’re acting really weird over this

Of course you know what to do! You confront him! He is a huge liar and you know what... I don’t understand why you’re coming up with excuses to avoid confronting him?

Just do it!

NotMyFinestMoment · 27/10/2019 01:29

He sounds like he is lying. You would at least see some scars on him if he had surgery (keyhole or otherwise).

PrettyPurse · 27/10/2019 06:36

I know that he's lying but don't know what to do as I'm in my 40s and I really don't want to be on my own again

FFS. Get some self respect.

Aussiebean · 27/10/2019 06:41

So being with someone who is a liar and makes your stomach hurt and question everything he tells you for the next 40-50years is preferable to being alone and taking the chance of meeting someone who doesn’t lie?

MollyButton · 27/10/2019 06:59

The basics are: he has lied in the past.
You suspect he could be lying now.

There is no trust. So you should just end the relationship- it isn't working.
You don't need an excuse. The trust is gone.

TowelNumber42 · 27/10/2019 11:07

What is so awful about being on your own?

Do you have friends? A social life separate from romantic life?

What does "being on your own" mean for you? Most people I know in their forties highly value independence and friendships.

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