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Original poster

BF says he had cancer I'm now doubting this!!

107 replies

anxiousannie90 · 25/10/2019 20:09

I'm starting to doubt that my BF ever had Oesophagal cancer.

We split up in March of this year and he got back in contact with me a week later with a long email saying how sorry he was and how could he tell his new GF that he had anxiety and had suffered Stage 1A Oesophagal cancer 3 years ago.

He said that he had surgery where part of his Oesophagus was removed and then stretched to be reattached to his stomach.

Now I just didn't even think until he let me use his laptop last weekend to order some things. I went into chrome and there at the top was a document called Treatment for Oesophagal cancer Confused bookmarked. So I'm like why would he have this as he bought the laptop just as we started to see each other so definitely less than 3yrs old.

I went into it and it is nearly word for word how he described his treatment on the text he sent while we were not seeing each other.

Now I've done some googling about this and it seems to entail major surgery. The thing is he doesn't have any scars on his chest or on his sides.
I understand that there's a non evasive approach however this doesn't involve removing the oesophagus just the tissue or rejoining of the stomach.

I know call me naive but until recently I didnt even think to doubt him because I do try to believe in people and I just wouldn't have thought he would use cancer to get me back.

It's now causing me to doubt other things he's told me.

So what do I do, should I ask him why he's not got any scars or should I just leave it?

I'm just so confused Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiousannie90 · 25/10/2019 21:17

@JustHereWithPopcorn Ah now I have met his son and in fact we spend every free weekend together then one weekend a month we spend it together with the kids.

The thing is I have never met his parents, who only live 20 miles away and he is still on good terms with.

Now I'm thinking is he not introducing me because I might happen to mention something along the lines of isn't it great my OH is in remission etc as I wouldn't say this to his kid but I might to his mum or dad.

OP posts:
FavouriteSoul · 25/10/2019 21:19

You have to be 100% sure he's not lying if you are going to confront him. He could have had keyhole surgery, he could have had some kind of non-invasive technique - if he has had oesophageal cancer then his prognosis isn't going to be great. The web page about treatment could have been for his own research purposes when he was diagnosed.

That being said, I worked with a woman who faked having cancer, right down to shaving her head, eyebrows and plucking out her eyelashes to mimic the effects of chemotherapy. She did it for cash to take her children on one final family holiday to Disneyland. I think she also enjoyed the sympathy and attention it brought her. She was definitely unwell - just not with cancer.

SunshineAngel · 25/10/2019 21:21

Ask him what his surgeon was called. All people I know who've had cancer know their surgeon's name, and talk about them gratefully in many conversations.

He will know.

And then of course you can Google.

Face to face though, so he can't Google first.

Or just ask to see his scars, and say someone you know is going through it and wants to know what it'll look like?

Joerev · 25/10/2019 21:23

At the OP. Won’t let me tag you anxiousannie

Hmmmmm. Sounds highly suspicious. I have a barium swallow every 6 months for starters. I see two types of ENT drs. I see a Gastroenterologist also. Two types.

Ask him what tests he had done. It’s not adding up to me

They rarely do that surgery microscopically. It’s quite hard to do. Stage 1a is also as someone commented. Pretty early for such serious therapy. Though that wouldn’t surprise me

Did he have any radiotherapy? Chemotherapy? Even people with small cancers tend to have some backup chemo.

Original poster
anxiousannie90 · 25/10/2019 21:25

@FavouriteSoul He has said since the original text that he had surgery and they took part of his oesophagus away and reconnected it to his stomach. I have looked on website specific to this cancer and they say for that type of surgery it is very invasive. There is a non invasive surgery which is a long tube that goes down the oesophagus scraps the cancerous tissue away. But it leaves the oesophagus in tact.

He can eat like a horse too and since he's met me he's definitely put on the weight.

This is also from a guy who hid from me that he was taking Viagra, he's in his 40's. It was only through discussing certain things that he said that he had taken it before but hadn't with me. Until I found the packet's in the kitchen cupboard in a wicker basket that fell out one day!!

OP posts:
Joerev · 25/10/2019 21:25

I would ask how he got diagnosed. Does he smoke etc?

Original poster
anxiousannie90 · 25/10/2019 21:29

@Joerev he definitely doesn't go for anything like a barium swallow. He did mention that he had radiotherapy by endoscopy in the initial text about the cancer.

I will definitely will ask as I hate liars, yes wee white lies but no this is something you should never lie about. If I do find out he is lying it would be the end as how could I trust him as he didn't need to make this up for me to get back with him Sad

OP posts:
RichTwoTurkeyFriend · 25/10/2019 21:29

A close family member passed away from this cancer a few years ago - it’s a nasty, aggressive bastard of a thing. I don’t believe that anyone who has had it would be so blasé and ‘forget’ their yearly check up.

Original poster
anxiousannie90 · 25/10/2019 21:30

@Joerev yes he does smoke.

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WhatTiggersDoBest · 25/10/2019 21:31

I know someone who lied about having cancer. He used to sit in bed next to his sleeping, hardworking girlfriend while he texted other women and arranged hookups in his GFs house while she was at work. She didn't find out until she married him then the divorce was awful.

I know someone else who was always lying to score pain meds (visited me regularly when I was on co-codamol for a bad back and he was always asking for some Hmm ). He died of cancer and until he ended up in a hospice I wasn't convinced he was ill. Obviously I now feel awful.

Tread carefully, it could be either.

Original poster
anxiousannie90 · 25/10/2019 21:31

What I am thinking of doing is when I see him next weekend is to ask him if he got his yearly check up yet? I know he hasn't as he puts up all his medical appts on a board in the kitchen for all to see lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiousannie90 · 25/10/2019 21:33

@WhatTiggersDoBest I know it is a fine line because if I am incorrect and he is telling the truth then how would he feel towards me for doubting him [blush}

OP posts:
Groovinpeanut · 25/10/2019 21:36

OP little white lies are one thing, but lies of this nature are real big things. The nature of surgery needed to carry out a procedure he's describing would be very invasive and would leave significant scarring. He's not someone to invest your time or feelings in. If he can lie about things of this nature he can lie about anything. The fact you've been with him so long and you've never met his parents seems very odd. I'd not bother to catch him out I would just tell him straight you don't believe him. He's lying about a very serious thing. Don't let him reel you in to his sick mentality. Find someone who values you and who will be trustworthy and honest. You deserve that.

WitsEnding · 25/10/2019 21:36

XH has had this surgery and the incisions were very long, down his front and round his back under the shoulder blade (they collapsed his lung to reach the area). He was in hospital for weeks so of course all his family and colleagues knew about it.

FreeBedForFlys · 25/10/2019 21:36

You need to meet his parents and bring it up..... “Oh, Dave is terrible! He won’t listen to me about having his check ups.... can you have a word??”

Walnutwhipster · 25/10/2019 21:39

I also had a total vagotomy when I had mine too so I don't produce acid. I eat tiny amounts little and often. It's supposed to be six meals a day plus snacks! I know I had extra bits taken but even just part of the oesophagus being removed I can never see this being described as anything other than major surgery with life long implications.

Walnutwhipster · 25/10/2019 21:44

I still see my surgeon regularly too. I agree with PP that I know him by name.

Original poster
anxiousannie90 · 25/10/2019 21:45

@Groovinpeanut I know the reason we split up is because he said that he couldn't see me for at least 6 weeks because his ex wife, who he had been divorced from for 7 yrs was going in for a Hysterectomy all of a sudden. Never mentioned it before which I found strange as if you were going in for such a massive operation you wouldn't just spring this onto people especially your ex who you're asking to come and look after you. So there are other things that have caused me to doubt him.

OP posts:
Original poster
anxiousannie90 · 25/10/2019 21:48

@Walnutwhipster he also says that he has a heitus hernia in the area too, which he still has, so why not remove that at the same time, unless this isn't possible.

OP posts:
PrincessRaven · 25/10/2019 21:49

you can go down the route of "i'm so worried, please can i go with you to the hospital" and see how that goes?
or try phoning up to make an appointment for him - but there should be plenty of paperwork from the hospital?

on the other hand, he's already a liar, and i dont know why you are staying with him?

Frazzled2207 · 25/10/2019 21:49

I think he's talking shit, sorry

AnnieOH1 · 25/10/2019 21:53

Stage 1A is in the mucosal layer, it has not spread into other tissues. This is from Cancer Research:

Surgery is the main treatment for stage 1 cancer.

For stage 1A cancer your surgeon may be able to remove the cancer from the lining of the oesophagus. You have this surgery through a thin flexible tube, an endoscope. Or you may need surgery to remove part or all of your oesophagus.

I would tread very carefully. This is someone you obviously care about - else why would you be with him? Can you imagine surviving cancer to then be accused of lying?

Walnutwhipster · 25/10/2019 21:53

I had one too that's never been touched despite four major abdominal surgeries over the past few years so that is actually possible. It's the lack of scars that would make me suspicious. Even where I've had normal stitches to secure lines leaves a mark.

Walnutwhipster · 25/10/2019 21:58

These marks are just where lines have been stitched in place. I'll also post my operation scar.

Original poster
anxiousannie90 · 25/10/2019 22:02

@AnnieOH1 I have done a lot of research and it's the fact he has said not just the once but a couple of times that he's had part of his oesophagus removed and reattached is a surgical procedure so there would be some scarring but there isn't. I do need to tread carefully but how can I find out the truth as I am not very good at getting things out of people without asking them straight lol

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