Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I tell my parents I'm back with my ex?

32 replies

Idontknowwhattodo2 · 24/10/2019 17:24

So long story short, I'm pregnant and a few weeks afterwards my ex-boyfriend left me due to issues in our relationship (not cheating or anything like that - we never even argued! More boundaries). However the next few weeks were hard due to him ignoring me and me coming to terms with the fact I was going to be a single mother.

My parents were super supportive, I am really close with them. However, over the past two weeks I have rekindled things with my ex, we've been spending time together and he is much more positive about the pregnancy and as I've spent quite a lot of time without him I have become a lot more independent, which I wasn't before.

We've decided to give things another go but are keeping it under wraps - his parents aren't fond of me, and of course after everything that happened my parents will not be happy about us getting back together.

Obviously it's not just any 'ex', he's my baby's dad and I really do want to give things another go.

I'm going to have to tell my parents at some stage though, and my mum is my best friend, I don't have secrets from her so I'm not sure I'll be able to hold out for long.

How do I sit them down and tell them, and not end up in an argument with them?

OP posts:
kitk · 24/10/2019 17:27

I think your parents will go one or two ways. They'll either support your decision absolutely or they'll have concerns. Please don't take offence but I also have concerns about your post. I think you need to promise them and yourself that you are giving him one more chance and take things very slowly. Show your parents you're doing what makes you happy and what you think best for baby but you absolutely have enough self respect for this to be the one and only time you give him another chance

Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2019 17:28

If I were you, I would be going to couple's counselling before I told anyone anything. Why do you think things with your boyfriend will be any different now?

PanamaPattie · 24/10/2019 17:29

You sound very young. I hope your parents will support you but I don't think you can avoid an argument.

Original poster
Idontknowwhattodo2 · 24/10/2019 17:30

@kitk The breakup was mainly my fault, things he wasn't happy with apparently. But then the way he treated me after the breakup was their biggest upset. We are taking things incredibly slowly and won't be rushing into anything - we live seperately for example. I just don't want to upset them or feel like I'm letting them down when they've been so supportive and helped me so much. x

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontknowwhattodo2 · 24/10/2019 17:31

@PanamaPattie I'm 24! I know they will be upset with me and will have concerns and I am willing to hear them out and accept that. I just don't want to have a huge row and really upset them.

OP posts:
truthisarevolutionaryact · 24/10/2019 17:32

How did he treat you to upset them OP?

Original poster
Idontknowwhattodo2 · 24/10/2019 17:34

@truthisarevolutionaryact He basically cut me off and I was left to do it all on my own, first scan, first antinatal, blocked me on everything so I couldn't contact him, so I assumed he wasn't having anything to do with the pregnancy and my parents were helping build me up and support me thinking I would be raising the baby alone.

OP posts:
BIWitch · 24/10/2019 17:36

I agree with @Aquamarine1029 - I think you should have some couples counselling first. Nothing wrong with telling your parents about that.

You do, though, sound very young and a little bit too dependent on a) him and b) your parents.

Possibly some counselling for yourself, to help you set/understand appropriate boundaries.

Apileofballyhoo · 24/10/2019 17:36

Were you living together prior to breaking up?

What kind of things was he unhappy about?

I wouldn't be rushing to get back with him if I were you.

Original poster
Idontknowwhattodo2 · 24/10/2019 17:37

@BiWitch I can promise you I am very independent, I live alone, an hour away from my parents. It's just we have an incredibly close bond and we've always told each other absolutely everything. I'm currently having mental health support and extra midwife appointments. Couples counselling might be a good idea.

OP posts:
truthisarevolutionaryact · 24/10/2019 17:39

So they're probably worried that he might do it again?
It's great that they're on your side and maybe it might 'sweeten the pill' if you acknowledge that? As a parent you always want the best for children and it can be hard standing back watching adult children making their choices when you don't necessarily agree with them. BUT they are your choices at the end of the day.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2019 17:41

He completely abandoned you and blocked you knowing you're pregnant. He isn't even man enough to be concerned about the health of his own baby or how you're getting along. You really want to get back together with a twat like this? He's shown you exactly what kind of man he really is, I suggest you believe him.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 24/10/2019 17:52

If he wasn't happy with a few things you do, then is he now going to accept them now?
I am asking because if you have promised to 'change' then that isn't fair on you? You are who you are! If he has chosen to get back with you then it is his choice to accept you for who you are.

The fact he can block a woman carrying his baby makes me believe your parents are probably right with their concerns! However if you choose to accept he did this to you then your parents need to accept that this is your decision!

Couples counselling sounds like a great idea! When baby comes the relationship will take another turn in direction. If at the moment you are trying to work through things then these definitely need to be sorted before baby is born and you two as a couple will need to stay strong, if being together is what you both want. Counselling will definitely help with this!
I have 3 children and know that when a new baby comes the dynamics in relationship changes immensely.

Even though you are only 24 you are an adult! You need to choose which direction you want your life to go in. Explain to your parents that you have gone into this with your eyes wide open and you have prepared yourself for it to not work but also hoping it does.

Good luck Op.

ClemDanFango · 24/10/2019 18:02

Look at doing freedom programme before you give this relationship another chance, you’ve got red flags waving all over the place in your posts.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 24/10/2019 18:12

The breakup was mainly my fault, things he wasn't happy with apparently

Well that sounds dodgy. What, if you don't mind me asking was apparently so bad about you that he left you, pregnant with his child without a second glance? I'm not having a go at you I've just got my suspicions on his reasons.

And second what a PP asked, what's different this time, other than because you're pregnant?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 24/10/2019 18:14

I too am concerned about this guy - he's run out on you (and the baby) once already, and in my experience, this is him, consciously or unconsciously, training you to not expect too much from him, and also walk on eggshells for fear of him doing the same thing again.

However, you've asked for help telling them and "not having it turn into a big argument". I'm not sure it's possible for you to control your parents response in that way. You are going to tell them, and they are going to have feelings about that. You know them best - is an argument likely?

fikel · 24/10/2019 18:15

Sorry but I think he is only going to cause you further pain and heartache. He also has a lot of growing up to do, he can’t just pick you up and drop you again when he feels like it

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 24/10/2019 18:23

You probably won't be able to avoid upsetting them (they are going to be upset) but you will probably upset them less if you:

  1. tell them, rather than letting them catch you in a lie
  2. listen to their concerns and acknowledge them
  3. tell them about the practical steps he intends to take to prove himself trustworthy
  4. don't insist they feel happy about this

They are going to have concerns, and part of accepting their help is accepting that they now have a (small) say in your actions. You can't demand unconditional support once you're an adult, even from your parebtsm

Nc77 · 24/10/2019 18:31

I think you have to do what feels right for you. If you want to be with him and be a family then do it.

I had a similar situation and I decided to get back with my ex despite what my parents thought and some of my friends and I am pregnant but I wanted a family not to go-parent and I can only give it a go. Turns out it’s was the best decision we made and we get on so well now, happier than ever, recently moved into a beautiful home for a fresh start and patiently awaiting the arrival of our child.

Best of luck to you lovely

NotStayingIn · 24/10/2019 18:36

I do question your interpretation of taking things slowly? You’ve said that over the past two weeks I have rekindled things with my ex.

So within two weeks he has managed to go from not talking to you and treating you like shit to you wanting to tell your parents that you are back together? How is that taking things slowly?

I think he needs to really proof himself first before you take him back. And is he back for the baby regardless of whether you take him back as a boyfriend. Or is his interest in the child rather more limited then that. Red flags op, red flags! Good luck Flowers

Fookadook · 24/10/2019 18:38

What is it that he want ‘happy’ with?

Fookadook · 24/10/2019 18:38

*wasn't.

NotStayingIn · 24/10/2019 18:43

Sorry I didn’t answer your question. I would tell your parents ex is back in the picture and is committed to wanting to co parent. You are taking it slow and seeing how things develop. (But that would all have to actually be true!)

Apileofballyhoo · 24/10/2019 19:40

I hope you're reconsidering getting back together with him, OP. The way he behaved was appalling.

rvby · 24/10/2019 20:16

Oh OP. He's going to ghost you again as he has multiple times. He's horrible to you, his mum is horrible. What will it take for you to learn from the way he has treated you??

Of course your parents are going to be upset. They must be exhausted! Can you not just stop with this, move back to them if you must. There's a baby involved here, you have to start thinking things through and actually looking clearly at the very obvious evidence that this guy is bad news.

I've read your other threads op, when will you take control? For baby's sake if not for yours! Aren't you worried about how this is going to affect baby?? You've got serious MH diagnoses on top of all this. PLEASE take steps to protect yourself and your baby from this guy and the chaos he brings x