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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I can’t cope anymore.

79 replies

vvbrownxo · 24/10/2019 00:05

Hi all. I am currently 12 months into living with my “boyfriend”

He is awful. He calls me names and constantly shouts at me for stupid things. Spends 0 time on me and has never offered a gift or date of any kind. He has me in debt and I have had to borrow thousands off my family to the point where they are barely speaking to me. He puts his friends before me constantly and won’t help me out with rent or food money, however I work full time and he doesn’t, I’m running our home solo and I struggle on my 17k wage.

Today is my birthday. He is out with his mates spending money on beer etc for them. I’m at home cleaning. I’m so sad and miserable. He hasn’t even bought me a card and has threw in my face that I didn’t get him a present for his, baring in mind he’s had around 20k off me this year - and I couldn’t afford a present. My financial situation is so bad I am now legally bankrupt, in 2 years I have gone from having absolutely everything, a car, good credit and a social life to now where I have absolutely nothing to my name. I don’t know how to leave as despite all this I love him (??!!) and I am a fool in thinking he loves me.
I have to vent to someone, my mum will go crazy if she knows what’s going on - as I’ve lied about where my money goes, stupidly. I just want to go home to my mum and cry and tell her everything but I can’t.

I think this is just a rant.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 24/10/2019 00:10

Go home to your mother. Tell her everything and ask her for help.

Yes she might be cross briefly but shell help you.

Do that tomorrow.

Walnutwhipster · 24/10/2019 00:14

Please reach out to your mum.

TheSmallAssassin · 24/10/2019 00:15

Happy birthday - make your present to yourself a life without this man, you deserve so much more. Go home to your mum and look into the Freedom Programme.

Goodnightjude1 · 24/10/2019 00:15

Go home and tell your mum. You’ll feel better for it, honestly, I’ve been there!
Then kick his scrounging, lazy, nasty arse out the door. He won’t change, they never do. If you stay in this relationship he’ll take more than money from you.
Take a deep breath, tell your mum everything, get rid of the scrounger and you’ll feel like a massive weight has lifted. Good luck OP 💐

Original poster

vvbrownxo · 24/10/2019 00:17

He’s come back now. Drunk.

OP posts:

mumoftwocuties · 24/10/2019 00:18

Happy birthday!
Go to your mums. Collect a few belongings and go to her- explain everything. You need to be out of there, for your own sake. There is a way out, you just have to make the first jump.

ToodlesnOOdleSAR · 24/10/2019 00:18

I second that advice.

I hope this doesn't end up being just a rant, because you're being taken advantage of!

You mentioned that you feel you've gone from having everything to having nothing...

You have got your mother. Someone who will be there for you through bad times and help you build yourself up. She might not like it at first, but ultimately will support you.

Mums always know. They just know. With the money you have borrowed, she's probably suspicious anyway and may be relieved. Let her help you.

Know your own worth OP 💐

OldAndWornOut · 24/10/2019 00:19

Your mum probably already 'knows' the sort of thing that is going on, and is just waiting for you to tell her.
She'll be relieved that you're getting away from this arsehole.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 24/10/2019 00:19

Oh OP in the nicest possible way - please wisen up and dump this waste of oxygen. You are 12 months in and it sounds like no DC. Why would you possibly live like this. You don’t love him - you are in love with the idea of him being the way you want him to be ..... not gonna happen. He most certainly does not love or respect you. Sorry if this is hard to hear but the more you take his shit, the more respect he will lose for you and come to despise you for it then leave you for someone else. I’ve see this before. Please leave before you end up with DC and in an even worse position. You deserve sooooo much more

DramaAlpaca · 24/10/2019 00:21

Pack your bags & go home to your mum tomorrow.

If you were my daughter I'd be glad you told me & I'd be there for you and help you out as much as I could. I'd hate to think my daughter couldn't confide in me & your mum will be the same.

TheSmallAssassin · 24/10/2019 00:21

Just noticed your username - you know what VV Brown would say, "Leave!"

Whomei · 24/10/2019 00:21

Please just get out of the relationship before you end up looking back and realising you're 12 years in it, rather than 12 months!

nomoreclue · 24/10/2019 00:24

How much more money does he have to take off you before you realise you’re being used? Why are you putting yourself through this? Get out now while you can. Go home to your family. Tell them everything and let them help you. You can start again. You can. It will be hard but you can sort yourself out but not while you are with him. It’s YOUR birthday and he’s out drinking with other people!!! Do you really want this for the rest of your life? No! Go. Do it now. Get in the car and go home to the people who love you.

FavouriteSoul · 24/10/2019 00:25

Another vote to go home to your mum, tell her everything. Get some support and get rid of this sorry excuse for a boyfriend.

Pantsomime · 24/10/2019 00:26

OP it has to stop- question is do you want to stop now or let it get worse until it explodes?
You will have to tell your mum(who already knows) sometime- she’ll only be cross because She loves you - she’s probably scared to say anything in case it pushes you further into his arms. She can see you’ve been bowled over by him and are under his spell. You can break it and go to her loving arms. It will get better the minute you open up to her and then take action and get this limpet out of your Life

Pippin2028 · 24/10/2019 00:27

This is so sad to read! You are gaining nothing from this relationship and he is not enhancing your life in any way. He is bringing you down. You deserve so much better. A friend of mine was in a similar situation and she got out and is now doing fantastically! And you can do too! By posting here you already know things are bad! Treat this Birthday as a fresh start, and get yourself back on track, repair the relationships with family and friends but you will need to cut him off completely. It will be hard at first but stay strong! Good Luck!

ThreeLittleDots · 24/10/2019 00:46

This isn't love x

ilikemethewayiam · 24/10/2019 01:08

If you were reading this written by someone else, what would you advise?

Innishh · 24/10/2019 01:35

Yes your family will be watching and waiting and waiting.

They know - they can see it clearly - even though you think they can’t.

Your Mum will be delighted.

AzraiL · 24/10/2019 01:50

OP you are severely underestimating your family if you think they haven't put two and two together by now and know what's going on. Even if you tell them and they feign surprise and shock - they know. Before him you were independent. You met him and suddenly are asking to borrow huge sums of money and are miserable.

They're probably dying for you to get rid of him and reach out. Please please do.

Apolloanddaphne · 24/10/2019 01:55

My DD at age 22 moved in with her boyfriend then 2 months later realised she had made a mistake. She called me and I travelled 350 miles to support her and reassure her that it didn't matter how much money she had put into buying furniture etc her happiness was paramount. I think maybe you underestimate your mum. I am sure she will want your happiness above anything else.

Hidingtonothing · 24/10/2019 01:59

If you were my daughter I would be devastated that you'd been this unhappy and not come to me Please, please tell your mum, let her scoop you up and rescue you, it's exactly what needs to happen. You know this isn't right, no one who loves you would treat you this way and he will destroy you if you stay.

Yes it's going to hurt, yes you will be miserable while you grieve the loss of the relationship you wanted and the future you'd pictured. But there will come a point where it doesn't hurt anymore and the grief has passed and you will be happy again, whereas if you stay you will be miserable indefinitely.

This isn't your failure, he has failed to treat you with any love, kindness or respect and is patently not able to maintain a normal, loving relationship. That's down to his inadequacies as a partner and as a human being and is no reflection on you, he simply isn't good enough for you.

Go home to your mum OP, start the process of getting over him and don't waste any more time on him, he doesn't deserve you

rvby · 24/10/2019 01:59

Heroin addicts love heroin op. Just because you love him doesn't mean hes good for you.

What will it take for you to end this?

catismychild · 24/10/2019 02:48

He absolutely does not love you, quite honestly it sounds like doesn't even like you, you are nothing more than a cash machine to him. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but he is ruining you. Please please pack a bag, go home and tell your mum everything.

CodenameVillanelle · 24/10/2019 03:02

You 'love' him? Why?

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