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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can’t cope anymore.

79 replies

vvbrownxo · 24/10/2019 00:05

Hi all. I am currently 12 months into living with my “boyfriend”

He is awful. He calls me names and constantly shouts at me for stupid things. Spends 0 time on me and has never offered a gift or date of any kind. He has me in debt and I have had to borrow thousands off my family to the point where they are barely speaking to me. He puts his friends before me constantly and won’t help me out with rent or food money, however I work full time and he doesn’t, I’m running our home solo and I struggle on my 17k wage.

Today is my birthday. He is out with his mates spending money on beer etc for them. I’m at home cleaning. I’m so sad and miserable. He hasn’t even bought me a card and has threw in my face that I didn’t get him a present for his, baring in mind he’s had around 20k off me this year - and I couldn’t afford a present. My financial situation is so bad I am now legally bankrupt, in 2 years I have gone from having absolutely everything, a car, good credit and a social life to now where I have absolutely nothing to my name. I don’t know how to leave as despite all this I love him (??!!) and I am a fool in thinking he loves me.
I have to vent to someone, my mum will go crazy if she knows what’s going on - as I’ve lied about where my money goes, stupidly. I just want to go home to my mum and cry and tell her everything but I can’t.

I think this is just a rant.

OP posts:
DerbyshireGirly · 24/10/2019 14:10

Get rid of the loser - you are worth more than this!!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/10/2019 14:21

Please, please just tell your Mum what's going on. Pack a bag for when you meet her. Don't go back to this wanker.

He'd rather spend his money on beer than buy you a present.

He calls you names.

He takes your money.

He doesn't even have a job.

He doesn't do anything at home.

He is PATHETIC. Please get out now before he completely undermines whatever is left of your self-respect.

NamechangeWhatFor · 24/10/2019 14:28

Good. Even if shes initially cross, it's probably because her sensible daughter has gotten in with that scumbag.
You obviously are sensible and smart, you had things going well before you moved in with him and you can have that again.

Don't let him near you again, no matter what he says or how much you love him. Love is not always enough, you need to be able to live and he's a weight around your neck.

Pantsomime · 24/10/2019 15:11

A thought OP he’s likely thinking he’ll have to start seeing someone else soon to keep sponging if he’s bled you dry- you’d feel better if you extricate yourself before you have that humility too- sounds harsh I know but from what youve posted coasting and sponging is his driver

SevenStones · 24/10/2019 18:55

Hi OP

I hope your mum has made you see sense and is helping you leave, or that you have already left. This man is horrible and you deserve better.

Flowers
Quartz2208 · 24/10/2019 21:35

i hope you have told your mum

cacklingmags · 24/10/2019 21:41

This is a very bad man you have in your life. Tell your mum, you need help and protection before this man completely destroys you. And he will if you stay.

TheBouquets · 25/10/2019 01:41

I hope you have told your mum and that she has taken you home to her house.

If the house you live in is yours you can change the locks, if it is his place just leave.

Your mum will likely be upset for you but hopefully, she will know what to do. She may even have a good idea of what has been going on.
Please let us know how you have got on and that you are safe and well.

Bananalanacake · 25/10/2019 08:27

why doesn't he work. is he ill.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/10/2019 11:34

HI @vvbrownxo

Are you OK? Did you talk to your Mum?

Haffiana · 25/10/2019 16:16

Hmm. You are paying a man almost 2k a month to be your boyfriend.

What worries me, is that you seem to think that the problem is that you aren't quite getting your money's worth. Despite the money, 'love' etc that you have given him, he isn't being a good boyfriend.

Actually the problem is that you believe that you are so awful that you have to pay for it.

So stop trying to persuade him to be a good boyfriend because money and neediness won't turn a gigolo into a loving, respectful partner, and instead consider addressing the real cause of all the problems, which is your rock-bottom self-esteem.

First step is to enroll in The Freedom Programme. Google it. In your particular case I would recommend that you do the Programme in person, not online. You need the help that can come from a group.

Original poster
vvbrownxo · 27/10/2019 01:35

Hello everyone.

I was chilling after a hectic birthday lol. I have been at my mums and still am. He phoned me on my birthday night asking when I’m coming home, I said I’m not and just told him everything.
I made a point of saying he is so lovely and generous to everyone including friends and family yet treats me like shit. lo and behold - he has told his gran what he’s been doing to me. His gran phoned me Friday teatime to discuss it and chat to me. She said she has finished with him completely and is disgusted. He has asked her to borrow some money to pay me back at least half of what he has had, so naturally she isn’t impressed. She did however explain things regarding his childhood that I wasn’t aware of - that are extremely unpleasant, to which I said I didn’t forgive him and she agreed.

He called today and said he’s at therapy on Tuesday and wants to sort himself out for me. I am not really interested. Just need to be strong enough now to say fuck off for good. Thanks for all your support. I had a great day today with family and friends

OP posts:
ToodlesnOOdleSAR · 27/10/2019 05:38

I am absolutely amazed at your strength OP. It sounds like you are going to thrive. And really positive he's making changes, but yes, stay strong.

When it gets hard, remember how desperate you were, and how much you thought you couldn't go to your own mum because you thought you were in the wrong.

Your life is on the up now and you deserve it! 💐

nomoreclue · 27/10/2019 05:48

Good for you OP. Therapy for him is great but take it from someone who has had therapy. It takes a lot of counselling to get to the bottom of traumatic issues. He needs to stick with it every week for at least a year. In the meantime you go out and get yourself a new life. Well done for getting away

Tiredemma · 27/10/2019 05:52

Please keep him out of your life. Having a traumatic past isn't an excuse for being an utter shit to people.

Harriett123 · 27/10/2019 05:53

Good job getting out.
Just be careful not to slip back in. Abusive partners often say "I'm in therapy" or "I'm a changed person" to try and get you back. Dont buy into it.
Block his number and end all contact and focus on just you.

Candace19 · 27/10/2019 06:01

What exactly do you love about him ?

Read back what you've typed and in the nicest possible way.....wake up!

NamechangeWhatFor · 27/10/2019 06:54

Was he already in therapy? How on earth did he get in so quickly, and how is he paying for it?
I don't believe a word of that, like I said before don't speak to him again. He's a user.

PicsInRed · 27/10/2019 08:50

See if you can get half that money back out of him, then dump him. He's already dumped, of course, this is just words to minimise your financial losses.

It goes without saying that you don't move back in or advance anymore cash.

I wouldn't trust gran as far as I could throw her. I bet the family need you looking after this grenade to keep him out of their fridges and pockets.

Please do the Freedom Programme.

Innishh · 27/10/2019 08:57

I am not really interested. Just need to be strong enough now to say fuck off for good.

You should be the one in therapy. You need to understand how you stayed with this man and let him abuse you so badly for so long. You can’t go back to this. He needs blocking and deleting. You will come across similar men in your life - and you need to see those red flags earlier. Well done for knowing it was wrong, taking positive steps starting this thread, listening to the advice, acting on the advice, telling your Mum and leaving ..... that’s incredible.

Keep away from his family - keep connected to your family and friends - tell anyone and everyone about him to keep it real - sunshine is the best disinfectant.

Marmozet · 27/10/2019 11:04

Get him out of your house!

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 27/10/2019 16:40

Get him out of your house!

It's your house?

Sorry - skim read and missed this.

Go when you know he is out and change the locks. It doesn't matter how shit his childhood was, it doesn't give him the right to treat you ike this.

You have been so strong about leaving - take this extra step. Your mam will support you, I'm sure

Original poster
vvbrownxo · 27/10/2019 20:54

I don’t wanna go back to that house, whether he would be there or not I don’t wanna live somewhere where I’ve been so unhappy

OP posts:
SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 28/10/2019 07:35

Then you need him out because if your name is on the rent book, and he does any damage/ refuses to shift and doesn't pay the rent etc, you will be responsible for his debt.

Contact your landlord NOW! Explain the situation - you may lose your real deposit but it's a small price to pay to get rid of this bastard.

testingtesting111 · 28/10/2019 07:45

So pleased with your update. Stay strong!!

A close relative of mine was in your position. He would always improve just enough to make her stay (bad childhood was one of the many excuses used) - things dragged on for YEARS.

Basically he enjoyed the lifestyle my relative paid for, so stuck around whilst making her life a misery. We all knew what was happening, but until she was ready to admit things and ask for help/ move on there was nothing we could do.

I'm so pleased you're with your mum. Like I said stay strong. When the reality if having his cash supply kicks in he is going to promise you the world - Hollow promises of course...