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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I never thought he would do this to me

105 replies

HoneyandSpice · 22/10/2019 20:48

I've been on MN for 8 years. I've seen so many posts from people who have been cheated on and the common line is as my title. No. Nobody thinks their partner will / would cheat on them. Especially when you have just had a baby / been together for 20+ years / been childhood sweethearts.
But every week I see threads where women are cheated on with work colleagues / via dating sites / etc. There is not one person in the land who can truly say their partner categorically would not cheat on them. You only know yourself. You do not know how anyone else thinks. No matter how much you might 'know' them.

OP posts:
foodname · 23/10/2019 15:29

"I am confident in both but understand that it's an act of faith, not a fact."

I think this is the crux of it. But as with all types of faith, people have it in varying levels, and many interpret their faith as fact.

AtillatheHun · 23/10/2019 15:37

Here's the thing though; all these terrible cheating men who nobody can definitely say will never cheat aren;t all cheating with the same woman.

The statistics and likelihood of as many MNers and our friends being cheats as well have to be as high, surely?

In my case, the OW was from a profession absolutely notorious for cheating and with excellent opportunities to do so and she is a married woman who talks publicly about what a "rock" her husband is. Based on the correspondence I've read between her and my husband, it certainly wasn't her first rodeo and I doubt it will be her last.

@Anotherlongdrive I was naive enough to think that he didn't have the time or inclination and rather than completely trusting, I wasn't suspicious until I found a book of love poems ordered on the Amazon account, which was sent to his office address several months previously. Ludicrous answer given, and a second copy ordered that night on next day delivery to be able to "bring it back from the office" & "prove" the ludicrous answer (but even then, and even after i found searches for hotel rooms by the hour etc, he denied and gaslighted. Wasn't until I found a week's worth of highly explicit whatsapp messages which conveniently described the highlights of their relationship that he admitted it)

JacquesHammer · 23/10/2019 15:55

The statistics and likelihood of as many MNers and our friends being cheats as well have to be as high, surely?

Of course you're right.

The only person I can 100% say hand on heart that hasn't cheated at this point is me. I cannot guarantee the same of any of my friends etc. Whilst I believe they haven't, that isn't fact.

BillywilliamV · 23/10/2019 16:19

I trust my husband, I am not smug. It is a fact!

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/10/2019 16:31

I trust my husband, I am not smug. It is a fact!

That you trust your husband - that’s a fact, if you do. That your husband is trustworthy is only a belief, based on what you know of him thus far.

It may well be correct - and I certainly hope so. But everyone who ever got married / built a life / had DC with another person presumably also felt that that other person was trustworthy - and plenty have discovered that feeling it doesn’t make it so.

JacquesHammer · 23/10/2019 16:53

That you trust your husband - that’s a fact, if you do. That your husband is trustworthy is only a belief, based on what you know of him thus far

This.

Facts need proof. The only fact you can say is you trust, not that he is trustworthy.

IAmPrettyWisdomous · 23/10/2019 16:58

Surely this applies to women to, no? Their husbands could never fully say that they would never cheat on them either, especially considering how many women come on here and admit they've had an affair and are usually not bothered by their deceit. This is then followed by a majority of posters falling over themselves trying to justify their behaviour and repeating how she should not tell her husband and that she is a good person. The double standards of MN would be hilarious if not so disgusting and disturbing.

JacquesHammer · 23/10/2019 17:00

Surely this applies to women to, no?

Of course

MrsGrindah · 23/10/2019 17:04

I always swore I would never cheat and I meant it. But I did. The reasons are plentiful and complicated but they are excuses really. I haven’t done it again since though. So no, I don’t think any partner can say it and be 100% right

WWlOOlWW · 23/10/2019 17:28

Happened to me, though to be fair I never told myself it wouldn't happen.

If (when) it happens again it will never impact on the same way again.

I'm not more guarded.. just more realistic.

morrisseysquif · 23/10/2019 17:34

I'm the only one out of a group
of friends who hasn't had an affair with a man married or in a relationship.

I came close myself but put the slammer in it when I found out.

A couple if them have had multiple men.

This is why I don't trust men.

BigFatLiar · 23/10/2019 18:44

@morrisseysquif - surely you shouldn't trust women either? After all as they say it takes two to tango.

CantstandmLMs · 23/10/2019 18:53

I'm also one of those people who read Mumsnet posts and thought well my partner is not one of the horrible ones - the many posts here of women being actually treated and spoken to like shit - he was amazing for the most part, even built my self confidence about my body etc - but yes in the end he was sending messages to other women and eventually left me for someone else quite suddenly so yeah I agree.

I'm in another relationship and he's honestly so sweet but I am not taking the relationship seriously because of this - which is quite nice to be honest! Lol

PrudenceTremaine · 23/10/2019 19:04

agree you can't say that your partner will never cheat on you. I have seen it both as the cheat-ee in a relationship and as a single woman who is approached by men in relationships.

I do choose to trust my partner, but only because without trust a relationship isn't worth it. I've been in a relationship in the past with someone who has cheated (with both me and previous partners, and who continues to try to cheat with me even though he's coupled up) and it was unbearable. In fact, I should have steered clear when I realised he had got out of his marriage via an affair. It's a steep learning curve. My current partner hasn't cheated on anyone, but that doesn't mean I'm complacent. I've learned that I won't give anyone a second chance, and there's a part of me that I'll always keep safe to protect myself.

Drogosnextwife · 23/10/2019 19:07

Agreed OP. As I always say, you can never trust ANYONE 100%. Anyone who does is just naive.

Drogosnextwife · 23/10/2019 19:10

I trust my husband, I am not smug. It is a fact

You can trust him all you like. Doesn't change the fact he is capable of cheating and lying to you. As is anyone.

RueCambon · 23/10/2019 19:14

Agree. Im not married and wouldnt want to be but for a long time i wanted it. To the poster asking what is the point of the thread, the point is to remember to never be emotionally reliant on one other person's decision to choose you.

teenagetantrums · 23/10/2019 19:29

I trust my partner 100,%.tgats a fact. I wouldn't have said it about previous partners but l know she would never cheat on me.

TemporaryPermanent · 23/10/2019 19:42

I know a marriage which I would guarantee has been faithful - my in laws. They've been married over 50 years. And now she is in a nursing home with dementia and he is crushing lonely and spends all day every day looking after her and losing her by inches before going home to sleep alone. I hope he does have an affair. I dont think it is in his mind at all but it could happen and I would be delighted. And dont say it doesn't count, it does. Life is long and complicated.

Original poster
HoneyandSpice · 23/10/2019 19:52

Crikey. I've just come back to this after a shift at work. I have read the replies and it's been very enlightening.

There was one poster who asked why I posed this question (I think they felt I was being goady - I'm not. At all) I guess I just felt really sad and despondent. And that for me, I'm amazed at that one expression. When they find out their partner has wronged them, that they never thought it would happen to them.
Yes, I'm a realist. I'm not negative. But, it's a bit like saying I never thought cancer would happen to me. For me, it's about awareness.
And also as some PPs have said, it makes sense to go into relationships with your eyes open. Still be yourself. Have your own money. Always be aware that if you were ever to end up alone, would you cope or would you be stuck financially? Don't leave yourself vulnerable.
I am not saying all men are shits. Although in a lot of polls, men are 70% likely to cheat if they didn't think they would be caught. For women it's a lot lower. Again, I appreciate it does happen on both sides.

Thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoneyandSpice · 23/10/2019 19:55

And also, as TemporaryPermanent has just pointed out, life isn't black and white. My cousin works in a care home. Many of the residents with dementia there are having 'affairs' with others as they simply don't remember that they have a spouse in real life. That is particularly sad. And a whole new thread.
My original observation was just that I felt sad at how many women said "I never thought he would di this to me"

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 23/10/2019 20:22

Doesn't change the fact he is capable of cheating and lying to you. As is anyone.

Everyone is capable of murder. That doesn’t mean that everyone becomes a murderer.

BillywilliamV · 24/10/2019 06:47

Never said DH wasn’t capable, just that he wouldn’t!

CursedDiamond · 24/10/2019 17:25

@HoneyandSpice - i do wonder about those stats. there's a lot of shame and stigma around female infidelity (whereas it's 'expected' of men).

Also, I think people who say they would never cheat because they know themselves...i think a lot of people think that. Maybe we don't always know ourselves (or how we'll react in certain situations) as well as we think we do. Certainly when you act 'out of character' you have to do some very thorough re-evaluation of your identity...

Wherearemymarbles · 24/10/2019 19:01

Never say never!
All you can really do is trust as unless you are a mind reader you never really know what is going on in someone’s head
I have 3 sisters. 2 have cheated and both on several occasions. Best friends wife had 2 affairs. SIL had a year long affair. Our married head of hr has slept with 2 guys in our office. I know countless males friends and work colleagues who have had endless ons/slept with prostitutes on an industrial scale.
My wife and I trust each other that we have been faithful. Only each of knows if thats the truth.

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