I never thought he would do this to me

[HoneyandSpice]

I've been on MN for 8 years. I've seen so many posts from people who have been cheated on and the common line is as my title. No. Nobody thinks their partner will / would cheat on them. Especially when you have just had a baby / been together for 20+ years / been childhood sweethearts.
But every week I see threads where women are cheated on with work colleagues / via dating sites / etc. There is not one person in the land who can truly say their partner categorically would not cheat on them. You only know yourself. You do not know how anyone else thinks. No matter how much you might 'know' them.

Nope, I know absolutely that I would not cheat and neither would DH. It’s a matter of personality!

You're not going to hear so much about stable relationships on a forum like this. However, what you say is true and I think this shows why it's important to maintain a career, be financially independent, have upfront discussions if one partner does less paid work/more child care etc. I think that goes for either gender.

It's been making me think recently I'd be better off staying single forever, it's so rife on mumsnet. The amount of people saying the other day on a thread about how much all the different professions cheat through work etc was depressing really.

As a solicitor once said to me, regarding human behaviour- 'People do what they do...'

It's always stuck with me.

@Anotherlongdrive

But so many people, on here, seem to say they would have never have cheated but they couldnt help it this time.

I've seen this comment on threads and it baffles me. It's the kind of comment you come out with if something is really accidental, like dropping and breaking something. My response to someone saying that who has cheated would be, what part couldn't you help? The knowingly jumping in to bed with someone other than your partner and having sex? The fact that you forgot you have a partner?

Perhaps I'm too simplistic in the way I go through my life in this regard, but it's done me well for 47 years.

I think it's foolish to think you would never cheat either.
Many people don't plan to cheat, then they meet someone who turns their head.

@Anotherlongdrive you are not understanding what drives affairs.

"I think if people felt more free to leave a relationship and move on, I dont think there would be so much heart break. " is not the issue!

The truth is, the people having the affairs want the OP AND the marriage. What's not to like. All the domestic stuff like kids and laundry get done, AND you have the secret thrill.

Otherwise, it wouldn't be secret, would it! But we know that they want their cake and eat it, BECAUSE they 'pretend monogamy' to the unsuspecting spouse, who is continuing to do their duty (from money to gutter maintenance) in the mistaken belief they are in an exclusive relationship.

My ex never wanted to get divorced! Even when we were divorcing he would write to me asking for it to be stopped! Did that mean he loved me? No, but I was useful, and it meant no financial consequences. Clear cut for him, my trauma and heartbreak that I meant so little and my precious family was destroyed for what?, took pretty much a decade to fully come to peace with.

THAT is what is so violating about affairs. It is intimate betrayal by the person you let into your heart, and it is fraud (deceit in order to gain an advantage).

Funny, in business and matters of national interest, betrayal and fraud are criminal matters, but families are just supposed to suck it up.

No only must they suck it up, they are now being pressured by society to be Happy that cheater parent is now Happy. And children are Happy and must Happily accept the instant parent replacement because their cheater parent is Happy! So lets all do the Happy Dance.

'someone who turns their head'

I think this sort of way of putting it (and the idea of passion for someone else as some irresistible force - 'it just happened', 'we ended up in bed' etc) obscures the moral responsibility of the unfaithful person, as does the blaming of the betrayed spouse and the other party (usually the OW) that goes on.

There is little or no stigma attached to leaving a relationship these days. If someone has agreed to enter a monogamous relationship and finds it is no longer working for them, they are free to leave. Infidelity is the desire to have one's cake and eat it.

Trust -
Once it's gone it's gone

So easy to get and so easyyyyy to loose

My ex went with someone else when I just had DD. Caught an STD an was never the same again. Your constantly torturing yourself if you even believe or begin to think you can sort it. I'm a fool an tried them failed

The courage of vulnerability....
Yes, it could happen to you, it could happen to anybody. And it’s not your fault, nothing to do with your ‘nagging’, with how tired you are and how little attention you paid him. It takes two to tango.
But why not see it as a ‘lesson’, as a way to discover your own boundaries. To say you’ll never trust anybody, that you’ll be single forever, that’s just shutting down not only love, but also hope, excitement, new learning curves.
Yes, it hurts when it goes wrong, but why punish yourself for something someone else did?

'it is fraud (deceit in order to gain an advantage)'

Yes. Brilliantly put, and I am sorry, ScreamingLadySutch, that your insight was so hard-won

The thing as well is that nobody and no situation is static. We all change with age, experiences and where the road takes us.

That in spades, there is no way you can predict how a partner/spouse/yourself will behave in the future. People change and are pushed in different directions according to their circumstances. And this is not only about “cheating”, there are far more ways to cheat on your other half than sleeping with some one else.

Yes, happened to me too. Married almost 20 years. The thing that I’m most sad about is that I know I will never trust anyone again. I’m 41 and the thought of spending the rest of my life alone (particularly when my children leave home) is so depressing. But if you can’t trust the person you had two children with and spent two decades with then how the hell can you trust anyone? I do know a few good men but they have long been in committed relationships and just aren’t single at a similar age.

What’s the point of this post? Is it to say that anyone who trusts their partner is an idiot? Or that all men are shits and any partnership is ultimately doomed? Some kind of warning never to get involved with anyone? Pointless.

If I lived my life assuming that the MN feed was indicative of how my life would turn out, I’d have an abusive, lazy, cheating husband, an overbearing, rude, interfering MIL, a CF SIL/BIL who hated me but used me, children who have or were likely to have ASD, my own parents would be either abusive or suffering some kind of dementia, friends and colleagues who constantly took advantage and let me down. I’d have some form of MH issue, likely anxiety and any moment someone would be knocking on my door (which naturally I should definitely refuse to answer)

Life isn’t MN. I know very few people in life who have cheated. I would bet my house on the fact that OH wouldn’t do so. I’m not a blind faith simpering idiot, I just prefer not to go through life assuming everyone will let me down eventually. What a terribly depressing way to live. If you think your partner is likely to cheat on you, why the hell are you still with them.

@MintyMabel

Bang on with your post.

My STBXH said he would never cheat on me. He even claimed that when he was deep in an emotional affair at the very least and I had caught him out on it

Now I realise all along he was a covert narcissist and never really existed. It was all a mask and then one day it no longer suited him so he discarded me and our children like a piece of rubbish. We were together 12 years. It’s been months since he confessed to the affair and our 7 year old was quiet yesterday when we were out with friends in the park because she was sad. It was like a physical weight on her because her Daddy who she adored walked out on her. My 4 year old woke with a nightmare again and had to come in bed with me because she is scared I will disappear too. No matter how brilliant and reliable a parent I am, they will always carry what he has done.

I have had mutual friends to me say they don’t want to pick sides. The thing is, to have an affair is not only a betrayal but it is abusive. There is usually a level of emotional abuse that goes along with it. Gaslighting, blameshifting, the picking fights in the lead up to the affair which is the initial justification that we weren’t getting along, never mind in my case where my ex encouraged me to put my career on hold so I was financially vulnerable too. If my ex was physically abusive everyone would be up in arms about it but an affair, that’s largely ok and I’m supposed to be not bitter or angry.

I hope that as a society we stand up to just how awful affairs are. How damaging they can be.

*@MintyMabel Apart from the dh you’ve pretty much summed up my life
I think SeaSidePebbles has it with the courage of vulnerability. Whatever life throws at you, you have to dig deep and love yourself first, and importantly see yourself. If you can’t see yourself, you can’t see other people. Happiness is fleeting, peace of mind is solid, but only comes from within.

I understand what you're saying, but what's the alternative if you choose to be in a relationship? Check phones? Track them? Constantly ask for validation? Constantly have it in the back of your mind they could cheat? That sounds miserable and not worth being in a relationship at all. To be in a relationship you have to take that leap, give a part of yourself and just trust they won't hurt you. It's hard and I can only imagine the pain when that trust is tested, but I don't see how else you can have a worthwhile relationship.

Obviously things like earning your own money, not becoming too codependent are practical steps you can commit to for various reasons that would protect you if things go wrong but don't need to be all about an escape plan.

Many people don't plan to cheat, then they meet someone who turns their head.

It isn’t about someone turning another’s head, it is about the character of that person. I can say with certainty I would not cheat, because my character wouldn’t allow me to choose to deliberately hurt someone in that way. My OH is the same. That’s not to say we will definitely be together forever or that we couldn’t be attracted to another person, just that if the situation did arise, we would leave before embarking on a relationship.

The suggestion that an affair is the only option in a situation where a marriage is breaking down and you are attracted to someone is to cheat, is ridiculous.

What Minty said.

And I think it's a big mistake to base your belief that your dh will be faithful on how much he loves you, how good your relationship is, how much he loves his children, what a nice life you have together etc. What makes someone capable of cheating or being faithful is their character and moral code, not the quality of their relationship with you or how much they love you.

Looking back now I can see my ex cheated on me, and he cheated on current long term partner with me at the beginning, I told her and she didnt believe me, he continues to try it with me and I told her again but she thinks I'm absolutely mental! I could prove it to her but shes so deluded so she wont believe me so leave them to it, think some people re just very naive.

Trust isn't 100% or 0%, it's not black or white. It's trusting someone but knowing they may change or not be the exact person you see them to be, it's about enjoying your life and taking chances. Dealing with a realistic relationship isn't about trying to catch someone out, it's not checking phones and following them around every day, it's about seeing someone for who they are today and loving them anyway.

Men who don't cheat are the exception.

Marriage was created to control women and property, not to reign in men and their sex drives.

Me and my partner have this discussion too..
He is adamant he wouldn't ever cheat on me, I mean he would scream it from rooftops!! I however, am a realist - there is no way you can say never. Even for the woman, I say to him 'I love you, you're all I ever need but, how on earth can we both categorically say either of us won't cheat?'
It works both ways though, it's not all men.
Women are far more disloyal than men.. IMO.

Agree.

Never thought it’d happen to me.