I never thought he would do this to me

[HoneyandSpice]

I've been on MN for 8 years. I've seen so many posts from people who have been cheated on and the common line is as my title. No. Nobody thinks their partner will / would cheat on them. Especially when you have just had a baby / been together for 20+ years / been childhood sweethearts.
But every week I see threads where women are cheated on with work colleagues / via dating sites / etc. There is not one person in the land who can truly say their partner categorically would not cheat on them. You only know yourself. You do not know how anyone else thinks. No matter how much you might 'know' them.

[Babdoc]

I worked in hospitals for nearly 40 years. During that time I saw an enormous number of my medical and surgical colleagues, and ditto nursing staff, have affairs. They had no intention of leaving their marriages or hurting their partners. It was just (I think) the combination of opportunity - on call bedrooms in the hospital, working continuous 48 or 72 hour resident shifts - the stress of responsibility for patients’ lives - the continuous exposure to death and illness, that triggers a primitive drive to seek relief in sex, life and possible procreation - and spending more hours at work than at home, on gruelling 100 hour working weeks.
The majority would say they were happily married, loved their partners and children, and would have been horrified if their spouse found out and was hurt, or left them because of a simple physical affair.
It was an open secret at work- the hospital telephonist used to laugh that he knew which on-call room to phone to locate any doctor not answering his bleep - and it was never the one he was meant to be in.
I’m not convinced that humans are naturally monogamous. Most primate species are not.
I’d hazard a guess that the vast majority of affairs are neither emotional nor meaningful - they’re just either an illicit thrill/ego boost, a mid life crisis/hanker for lost youth, or a stress relief mechanism.
I totally understand any woman/man who divorces her/his spouse over their affair, but I do wonder if they're sometimes giving it an importance that it never really had?

[hellsbellsmelons]

Yep - totally agree.
And the reason I'm 50 and single and staying that way!

[deydododatdodontdeydo]

It isn’t about someone turning another’s head, it is about the character of that person.

But there are so many threads on Relationships where women have cheated and said "I didn't plan it" or "it just happened".
They would have said before that, 100% they would never cheat. And yet they did.
I don't think anyone can be sure their partner, or themselves will never cheat.
Who are these men cheating with? All single women?
Don't fool yourselves, women cheat as much as men.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

People underestimate how addictive secrecy can be.

Sometimes it's not the sex, it's not the lure of the shiny new woman (or man), it's the whole 'undercover' nature of the sneaking and lying and making up stories and remembering who you told what to...

It gives a buzz. And I think it's possible to get hooked on that feeling. Which is why men (and women) in relationships that are as happy as it's possible to be, cheat.

[JacquesHammer]

You can never know 100% what another human being will do.

It is incredibly naive to suggest otherwise.

[ChippyPickledEggs]

If everyone who cheats is of poor character, or narcissistic, as I have seen suggested on Mumsnet and websites like Chump Lady, then that is a very large proportion of the human race that is those things. And of course that is not true. NPD is incredibly rare. Most people are mostly good.

The truth is less comforting and more nuanced. And it is that even good people cheat. Previously loving, honest, and reliable people do it. People who swore they never would, do it. People with huge amounts to lose do it.

The human drive towards connection, attraction, sex, and desire is strong and it is primal. Anyone can be vulnerable to its pull. People do just love to think they are better than others, but we're all more similar than we are different.

[Faith50]

Interesting thread.

I think we are all capable of cheating. Some choose to and others do not. Most of us have had the opportunity to cheat.

I would not have vouched for my dh before he kissed a colleague and clearly will not vouch for him now. He is not who I thought he was and I am coming to terms with this. For the most part I am angry at having to deal with this at all.

Infidelity is not something I thought about a year ago. It is now a part of my life - it is slowly becoming my past but it has taken a lot to arrive at this point.

[NormaBean]

For those who think cheating is inevitable, why then is it such a dealbreaker for you?

[SomeonesRealName]

@ScreamingLadySutch you hace put that very well, thank you.

[nex18]

I never thought my ex would cheat. But thinking about the “moral code” statement, there were lots of things I didn’t trust him about (mainly around money). So honesty wasn’t one of his skills, infidelity just stemmed from that when the time was right. I think he didn’t want to separate to be alone, he waited for a better option to come along, now he’s stuck with her presumably waiting for another better option.

[BillywilliamV]

I am incredibly naive then, DH and I said “ “forsaking all others” and “till death us do part”.
We believed those words when we said them and I still absolutely believe them 20 years later.

[hellsbellsmelons]

@BillywilliamV - yep, me and my ExH too.
But 15 years later he decided to forego all of that!
All our vows.
Every married couple made those vows and did so believing that they would be together forever.
Unfortunately, that is just not what happens - nearly 50% of the time now!

[SomeonesRealName]

@BillywilliamV my ex husband was already having an affair when he said his vows!

[JacquesHammer]

We believed those words when we said them and I still absolutely believe them 20 years later

You can believe of course. But you cannot guarantee the actions of another person.

[BillywilliamV]

I am sorry for everyone who has been betrayed, but I still trust DH absolutely.
If that makes me stupid then I am stupid!

[JacquesHammer]

I am sorry for everyone who has been betrayed

That isn’t the only reason for people to hold a point of view!

[NewNameGuy]

I will 100% never cheat on my wife.
I might leave her, but came really imagine wanting that.
Same for her

[hellsbellsmelons]

No-one said you were stupid Billy.
Just that we all did what you and your DH did but still got cheated on.
The whole point of the thread was that it can and does happen even if you blindly believe it never will, it still can.
My mum and dad have been married for nearly 54 years.
As far as I know they have never cheated on each other.
It does work out sometimes.

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

One thing I have learnt and suprised me is that your relationship doesn’t have to ‘have problems’ Or be at all shit for someone to act totally out of character. You can have what you think is a really close relationship and someone will still act like a prick if their ego gets boosted or they are feeling stressed or down. I think many do utterly stupid things as a ‘deflection’ from other things or for a quick buzz when life gets a bit Groundhog Day and then get sucked in to that buzz.

This. This. This.
I was another smug cunt who got smacked in the teeth. He had ample time for it because she was the colleague with whom he worked most closely. They spent more time together than he and I did. And he made the choice to put his energy into his relationship with her instead of trying to see if we could find what he apparently found was missing in our relationship.

[BillywilliamV]

The original premise of the post was that no-none could categorically state that their DH would not cheat on them.
I am happy to categorically state here that my DH will never cheat on me!

[PlasticPatty]

what he apparently found was missing in our relationship
Your relationship might have been fabulous. Just having the opportunity for a new lover is enough reason for most people.

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

And until 6 months ago, Billy, both me and DH would have said the same about him. There may well be old usernames on here with me saying exactly that. We most of us believe we have thr one good one until he tirns pit to be a middle aged cliche like every other cheating cunt out there.

[BigFatLiar]

I think it's pretty much a given here as that's the mumsnet, full of people with troubled relationships.

[JacquesHammer]

I am happy to categorically state here that my DH will never cheat on me!

How? You cannot seriously suggest you know 100% how another person will react. You can have a good idea, but to suggest it as fact just doesn’t work. That’s what a “belief” is.

Either that or it’s smuggery.

[Mystraightenersarebroken]

There's nothing wrong with being confident you or your significant other won't cheat but you simply cannot know. I am confident in both but understand that it's an act of faith, not a fact.