Caught my husband and now I'm a mess

[bluehairandheartbroken]

I've been on here a while but NC in case it's outing, and because I'm just so ashamed I've let this happen to me. Please be gentle, I'm an absolute mess. I'll try not to drip feed but my head is all over the place.

Bit of background - me and my husband (I can't even write DH) had some issues for a while, mainly just lack of communication and grown apart a bit, no cheating (well I was totally confident there wasn't and now I'm questioning everything). We got back on track (or so I thought, things have been great and we've both been making much more effort with each other. I've actually felt happy for the first time in a long time and he seemed happy too - we constantly tell each other we love each other, cuddle, the sex has improved/got more regular too (which I know now from reading other posts on here should have been a red flag. I'm so fucking stupid).

We're moving house very soon - deposit is all paid, kids have chosen their rooms, we have a moving in date and have our move out date for our current house. We've both said how we're really looking forward to a fresh start.

During our issues I had some major self esteem issues and kept convincing myself he was cheating. I checked his phone a few times (I know I shouldn't have and I'm not proud), never found anything. I've got help for myself with the anxiety and self esteem and was finally feeling back on track. Fast forward to this week and something has niggled at me and I couldnt figure out why - he was on his phone a lot but he's always been like that and it's never bothered me before.

Anyway - I looked at his phone last night before bed and saw a text from a well known hook up site (not even a dating site - this site is well known for being purely for sex). At first I tried to think maybe it was innocent as we've actually talked about joining this very site as a couple! But nope. I've found him, he's looking for couples and single women. He's even been verified by someone which I think usually means you have to have met up with them or done something on cam with them. He's been on the site for 3 weeks and was last active on there last night.

I'm absolutely heartbroken, literally I'm beside myself, I know it sounds pathetic and I thought I was stronger than this but I've called in sick to work and all I've done all morning is sit on the floor and sob and retch/try not to throw up. I know everyone says this but I can't believe he's done this. Only a couple of weeks ago he was telling me he can't believe he nearly lost me, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he is going to try everything to show me how much he loves and appreciates me.

I've been with him my whole adult life, since school, we're married and have 2 DC (9 and 7). I don't know how you can do this to someone you're supposed to love. We have a family and a life together, we had so much planned, I really thought it was going to work out after all the crap we've been through - I really thought we were stronger. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach that he might have actually met with someone and done something with them.

He's at work and I don't know what to do. Don't judge me but initially I was going to try and wait til we had moved house (it's not long away now) because the deposit is paid, we can't get it back, nowhere will accept me on my own as my income isn't enough for some reason - despite the fact I work full time. However this was before I realised he'd been verified (meaning he's probably met/chatted very closely with someone) and now I don't think I can pretend for that long and keep having sex with him.

What the fuck do I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken, I just keep thinking about my poor kids, having to give them up every other fucking weekend and being on my own, having to give them up for part of Christmas. I know I'm over thinking it but it's just not fair. I didn't want any of this. I've bent over backwards to make this work, I'm not even being big headed (if anything I have zero confidence right now) but I've been the perfect fucking wife. No one will love and care for that man like I have, I do so much for him. I keep myself looking nice, we have a good sex life. Why is it never enough for so many of these lying bastards? We have a family and a life together, we are supposed to love each other.

I'm thinking now I need to confront him tonight but I'm so scared. Partly because of the house situation and partly because once I do it, there's no going back and my life has changed forever in a way that I never even fucking wanted. Though in fairness I have cried solidly since 8am with no sign of being able to pull myself together so the choice might be out of my hands as he'll know something is up! I actually want to crawl into a hole and die right now. I didn't want this. We were happy, life was finally picking up. We nearly split a few months ago and now I wish we fucking had because my heart is in pieces all over again.

I could've been writing this about exH.

Same site, same messages, same pics on it, and reacting the same way when found out.

And I let him away with it because I had been with him since being a teenager. Luckily we had no children though.

Please dont let him back. I did and even though weve been split for 5 years now it still effects my relationship with my new fiance.

They discussed joining a swinging site as a couple this was not the green light for him join a hook up site, post dick pics and arrange to meet women for sex behind OP's back

OP and her husband had discussed this and the POSSIBILITY of looking together using this site. Not exactly difficult to see how that is completely different to her husband joining the site, posting pics of of his dick, and arranging casual hook ups between himself and a stranger

Yes. This. (Thanks to those posters). We had discussed the POSSIBILITY of joining. It certainly wasn't a free pass for him to then join on his own and talk to strangers about meeting up to shag them whilst not mentioning me at all. Thanks for continuing to kick me while I'm down though.

I've given up and got up, I woke up constantly through the night going over it all in my head. This feels like torture. It sounds really pathetic but I'm absolutely gutted I haven't even heard from him, he's not messaged to say sorry, he loves me, etc. I'm sat here really wanting to message him. I'm a pathetic mess this morning. I know if I asked him to come back he would but then how can I ever come back from this? How could I ever trust him again and not wonder what he's doing ok his phone or wonder where he is when he's late back from work?

I can't believe how much this hurts. And the one person who I want to come and comfort me is the person who has done this to me. I feel so alone and heartbroken right now.

And trying to arrange to see them on his own, at your home, at the weekend when you are packing etc.

He's an out and out shit.

I think if you do let him back your life will be one of high vigilance. Where is he, what'a he doing, who has been there, is that a x hair, who does it belong to etc...

That is no life. It's a waste of one.

He would do it again in a heartbeat. The internet has made it very easy for those inclined to cheat to do just that. And it seems that quite a lot of men do want to do that (and women too). They see this type of hook up as a completely separate thing from their home lives, they want a home life with the woman at home, whilst they get their jollies elsewhere. Grim.

Just take the day hour by hour. Have you any one you can be around today. I know how very hard it is but try not to contact him. Write notes or blank e mails but don't send them. You need to get it out. Wait and see what he does.

Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Get legal advice. Look at entitled to website. And CMS. Do your sums. 25% discount on your council tax and remove any bills that are his. How does it look moving forward.

Whatever you decide it won't ever be the same again. Give yourself some space and know you have options.

Don’t want to read & run. You have done so well. for you.

Bluehair stay strong. Think about where he's been, she the and that would hug you have been. What they've done. He is scum. Not the man you loved. This man does not care about you. Not enough to be faithful. That won't change.

Sorry. Late and fat fingers.

Where the arms that would hug you have been.

I am so so sorry! This is so heart breaking

OP you have done the hardest part and asked him to leave. That has taken so much strength and you have been incredibly brave. Your instinct was to get him to go and you have done that. Over the new few days and weeks you will want to take him back if he apologises and begs forgiveness - but please dont give in. You deserve so much better than this. In a months time you will have a completely different perspective and be so glad you followed your instinct.

If you take him back, this is still the beginning of the end. You won't come back from this, you will just be prolonging the inevitable and making it so much more difficult for you and your children.

You have been amazing.

So sorry OP. He's a twat! Stay strong. I tried to come back from something like this with an ex many years ago, but I never could forget what he did and I didn't trust him one bit. In the end I stayed with him until I didn't love him anymore, it was easier to leave then.

But don't do that! Stay strong. I now stand by no trust, no relationship'.

You'll be ok x

💐 OP. Please don't let him come back, he'll see it as a green light for carrying on cheating.
He doesn't care about you and the children, he only care about himself and adulterous sex.

That's the thing isn't it - no trust, no relationship. Very true.

I just keep thinking (yes I know people will be rolling their eyes at me), maybe he never would have met up with anyone? But then why suggest an actual date to meet. I'll never know for sure, will I. And that would always be in my head.

I just want the old him back, before he turned into this person. Really breaking my heart here, I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy.

He's waiting for you to contact him.

It's really important that you don't.

If you do he will take that as forgiveness/the green light to go ahead and carry on.

Stay strong

@bluehair
If you were to ask on the forum of fab if this was acceptable behaviour you would get a resounding no.
Discussing swinging and getting involved in swinging involves a huge amount of trust, and is not like cheating at all, and you did not give him permission to do this, regardless of what other posters think.

I’m so sorry this happened to you, stay strong . X

So sorry this has happened to you.

I caught my partner on fabswingers once and I created a profile and to be verified I had to send in a picture of my face and something written on paper to gain the verified status so he may not of met anyone but the messages to your friend are disgusting.

My heart hurts for you lovely 💔 take today to relax have some ‘me’ time and remember you are needed, you are loved and you are good enough.

Stay strong xxxx

Wind your necks in some of you.
I haven't said him cheating is acceptable at all, or implied anything like women who wear lacy knickers are to blame for rape (wtaf the mentalist who came up with this)
I was just confused about the ops part in wanting to join this website and thought there may be a possibility he thought it was okay to go ahead and indulge if OP wanted to join. No need to call me thick or other charming names

Op, the only way he goes back to being who you thought he was before is through lying and deception. This is what he did. This is who he is.

I'm not sure men like this were ever who you thought they were.

If you take him back, you will only be delaying the pain you are feeling now because he'll do it again, in a few weeks, months or years. He'll be more careful though and you will spend the time between taking him back and finding out he's done it again, feeling anxious and not trusting him. You deserve better than to live your life waiting for that bomb to go off, constantly worrying and wondering what he's up to.

Expect better for yourself, don't take him back and this time next year you won't believe that you were contemplating it.

I am so sorry, even if you caved and contacted him, forgave him and let him have the privilege of being with you, he has completely broken your relationship and there really is no going back now. Give yourself time to grieve, your marriage has died so be gentle with yourself.

May he fall penis first into a pit of horribly infected needles. 🔔🔚

The pain is physical and mental. It feels like the world as been pulled from beneath you.

However, he did this to you. He has treated you like shit and doesn't love you.

It gets better, it really does.. the pain and hurt eventually passes.

Be kind to yourself.

Somewhere amidst the painful realisations you're having will be a growing anger, blue. Let it emerge because it will help you overcome the next steps he may well take, which other PP's have pointed out but more importantly than him - finding some anger will help you make decisions that are in your, and your DC's best interests.

You may only be able to think one day at a time to start with but that's a good thing because it's like scaffolding for the future you can still have. One that is free from doubt, deceit, poor mental health, worry, and the inevitable (I think) slow death of a marriage that only one party is totally and unselfishly committed to.

I really connected with your comment that the one person you wanted to turn to at this time was the person who has so cruelly hurt you. I'm really sorry this has happened.

Its ok to want him and miss him. It really is ok to acknowledge that and feel the pain of it. Just also remember he is a shit and try not to crumble.

Someone once told me the emotions of going through a betrayal like this are like a pendulam. You'll swing from being distraught to numb to excited about a new future, to fearful, to angry - but as time goes on those swings get less and less dramatic.

It sounds possibly a bit childish, but when this happened to me, I told EVERYONE who would listen what happened.
Glad I did because, he went saying I was mental and had made it up for attention. Was really playing for the sympathy card and could I even be a good Mum while I was clearly so unstable.
You are not to blame for this and there is no shame.