Caught Checking Partners Phone

[Usernametaken098]

I'm looking for some advice about what I should do.....
I've been with my partner for around 11 months, however we're not living together though I spend every Wednesday and Thursday at his and when we don't have our kids at the weekend we we spend them together.

I have severe trust issues as every one of my ex partners have cheated on me and my last relationship which ended 3 yrs ago was very abusive. My current partner knows this and I have been trying so hard to put my past behind me, however its is very difficult.😣

Things were going well until about a month ago, I had spent the Thursday night at his and we both left for work on the Friday morning, however I decided to go to the petrol station for a coffee. To head out of town i had to go past my partner's house and as i did so his car was parked in his driveway when he should have been on his way to work.

My anxiety took over and i went to his door, he took a few minutes to answer it. I asked him why he was back home. He explained that he didn't feel like going to work. I asked why not tell me as I knew he was going through a lot at work so would definitely have supported him if he wanted to have a day off. He said that he was an idiot for not telling me.

Since that day I've been really anxious about how he feels about me to the point that I checked his phone a few times between then and last weekend, but I didn't really find anything.

He caught me checking his phone on Saturday and I don't know what to do. He wasn't angry but really disappointed and now our relationship seems strained. He said that we're ok and that he'll see me when he gets back from his course but the texts seem a wee bit different. He's still saying good morning and night with ones in between but I mentioned last night that my period was really bad with me passing a few clots and bleeding heavily which is unusual for me. He didn't even acknowledged it or say I'm sorry to hear you're not well.

So I'm wondering have a totally ruined everything or will he forgive me?

Sorry for the long post but need some advice. Thank you x

I'll never forget finding my ex going through my phone. I couldn't believe it!!! And I expect he was only doing it because he was messaging other women himself! I don't think I ever felt the same after that. Was the beginning of the end.

I do understand your anxiety, OP but it doesn't sound good.

If you are able to go out on your own speak to people and are respectful and kind and you can wait in a queue. Chances are you have not got anxiety.

@thatagain , with the greatest respect it sounds as though you have actually no idea about how anxiety works, or indeed mental health generally. Presumably you’re on of those people who think disability only applies to people in wheelchairs

Also op, well done for arranging counselling. Work on putting yourself first and then you won’t feel so compelled to police him and might eventually realise he’s not the perfect match for you if he’s the secretive type, regardless of whether it’s innocent or not.
Leave the ball in his court, you can’t control this outcome now.
Good luck x

There are some odd responses on here OP

I am sorry you have had such poor treatment by men so far, shaking your trust and belief in relationships generally I'm sure.

I get that you talk about your period, some couples do, its part and parcel of being in a relationship with a woman, she has periods, what is all the hand-wringing about blimey.

I also heard that theres a difference between answering his question and commenting that its normal for your relationship to talk this way.

Some are looking where there's nothing to see.

I also read your OP as him having lied to you by him apparently going off to work at the same time as you, yet when you drove past his house afterward he was back at his house. Now if he'd forgotten something (which I have to say at this point is what I would have assumed), he wouldn't say he was taking the day off without some sort of sensible reasoning as to why, especially as he's already spoken to you about work stresses.

So, for me, it doesn't add up.

I don't know if I would have stopped as I would have assumed he'd forgotten something, but I probably would have asked after his day to see what had happened when meeting or messaging later.

You have been abused in the past, and its always worth making autre you are emotionally and psychologically ready for the next one otherwise its not fair on either of you. I would not have checked his phone, that feels weird and stalky.

Thats a line very much crossed and I'm glad he caught you. This is something you have to have a grown up talk about and confront. How can he trust you now?

I hope this willl bring things out for you both so you can either discover he's not being straight with you, or that there's stuff going on for him that he might not want to talk about yet, but definitely that your trust issues are seeping into the relationship.

Its a horrible way to live and it may be that your senses are tingling for some as yet unclear reason, so see him.for what he is, whatever that may be, good or bad. I would recommend the freedom programme like pp, as part of your moving forward, it will give you perspective around the way you have been treated and very clear signs to look for which it sounds like you could benefit from.

I really hope this is a relationship worth working at and that you can both manage to do that.

I can't believe nobody has mentioned him deciding to just not feel like going to work. Seriously?! Get rid of this idiot! OK maybe he's able to keep his dick in his underpants but he's not going to be keeping a job for long!

Oh sweetheart, no relationship should be that way, you really aren't ready fir a relationship until you can put the past behind & not feel so insecure that a current partner is always going to repeat that bad behaviour of your past partners. It's no good for either of you

Take some time out from relationships & counselling to help you to fully heal & move forward to healthier relationships before trying again

Thank you @AnyMinuteNow and other poster's for their kind words and support.

It was the incident of him going back to the house after leaving to go to work that started my anxiety off, the 10 months before that everything was completely fine and I was enjoying being with him.

I work from home part of the week and I am always up front with him as sometimes I could be in a coffee shop working so I always say if I am. I would also be upfront with him if I was taking a holiday too whatever reason I was taking that holiday for.

I would like to point out that I am not in any way controlling as I have no problem with him going out with friends on nights out or do I control his whereabouts because I always believed that where he said he was he was up until when I saw his car in his drive.

I am in my 40's and I was single for 2 years before meeting my current OH. I have had 5 serious relationships since my teens and everyone of those guys cheated on me. One was a serial cheater, but it was my 1st serious relationship and I should have left before I did.

I'm not perfect. No one is and neither is he, but when you love someone you have decided to take them warts and all. Though that's no excuse for what I did and I am still feeling crap because of it.

He is still texting me and I am thinking that is a positive sign, though he's no longer wishing me sexy dreams, which he use to do, but he's still putting kisses after texts and the emoji with the heart mouth on his goodnight text so that is at least something.

We definitely need to sit down and talk about this as we connect on so many levels. I am also going to tell him that I have booked an initial appt with a Counsellor to try and work through my issues as I think they do stem from previous relationships.

Yeah get yourself some therapy. Unfair to be in a relationship with someone who has these sorts of issues. Can easily become abusive and oppressive.

I suffer terribly with anxiety (GAD) I was diagnosed as a teenager but despite various bouts of professional help it still lingers, although at 43 I like to think I have it (almost) under control! I have a very stressful, demanding and high powered job though which I've never let anxiety get the better of me, despite a few years where meetings used to make me feel like a gibbering wreck because of the need to get out of the room- my acting skills could have gained me an oscar duting those times believe me. Anyway, I digress!!! Relationship anxiety has hit me at times but most people have said what I would have said so all I will add is this.....You've apologised, sincerely, he said it's fine, DO NOT BRING IT UP AGAIN! I'm guilty of doing this, you want the reassurance everything is ok, I understand that, but to keep reminding him of your error will have the opposite effect, you're keeping it fresh in his mind and will come across as needy. He seems fine so let it go, don't become a dog with a bone. I speak from experience and it nearly ended us. Good luck x

I’m going to agree with booboo on a lot of things here. I think because I cope well with a stressful job, I’m more anxious about things in my personal life including relationships so agree with that part. But also with the it’s done and dealt with now, probably best to move on unless he brings it up. I know I mentioned again something with my boyfriend early in our relationship and he thought I was mad bringing it up again (and that was only because I’d considered it whilst I went to the loo, it was the same day!) Counselling sounds like a good plan.

How have things been today? When will you see him next?

He lied to me. He left the house at the same time as me saying he was going to work and only because I went to the petrol station for a coffee that on driving past his house to my work after getting the coffee did I notice his car in the driveway.That's not normal behaviour

Are you for real?
He does NOT need to run everything decision he makes for himself by YOU - nor does he need your flippin permission to turn round and go home when he feels unwell.
He also doesn't have to explain himself to you.
He is an ADULT.

He did not lie to you. He left for work, felt unwell and decided to go back home.
That's it.

It is YOUR behaviour that isn't 'normal'.
You saw his car back in his driveway and decided YOU had to know asap why he was back home.
He took his time answering the door - probably because he was lying down/felt sick/didn't really want to but did it anyway?
So YOU then judge him as being in the 'wrong' for not answering the door quick enough for YOUR liking

You then snoop through his phone repeatedly....despite him never having done anything to mess you around.
The only thing he did which aroused your suspicions - was turning round and going straight back home when he felt too ill for work..and you got suspicious because he didn't run it by you.

You actually sound rather suffocating and needy - and your "i'm not batshit' mask has slipped.
I would advise any male friend of mine to run miles away from any woman who started trying to control and monitor him by stealth....cos that's exactly what this sounds like.

He is NOT responsible for your anxiety issues so stop trying to blame it on him and take responsibility for sorting your head out.

Hey OP hope you're okay. It's a shame you've got some of the responses you have! This is the first thread I've actually seen some nastiness!
I had a bf who always used to get up and pretend to go to work! Lol. Turns out it was his depression and he just didn't want to have to justify why he was staying off, nor did he want the check ups on him in the day to see how he was feeling. He wanted to shut the door on the world and have some down time. I suspect this may be a similar circumstance maybe?

I've been there and done that with the whole phone thing. It actually drives you more insane!
I can relate to the whole relationship anxiety thing and always filled one void with another and never really took the time out for me and to figure out exactly what it was that I wanted and the boundaries I wanted to instil. It's very important for your own personal well being and the health of any relationship you're in, that you can come to terms with your past and lay it to rest.
If you're always convinced someone is going to hurt you or cheat on you, chances are you'll drive there anyway. You've got a lot of self love to be giving right now.

The period thing. So what?! Some people talk about it, some don't! It really doesnt matter. I think he just feels abit weirded by the whole phone thing at the moment and may be feels a little suffocated.
Best thing you can do is take a step back and let him figure it out. Don't mention it or apologise anymore for it. You'll soon be able to work out if he's still being a little distant. But try not to anyalise every minute detail. I hope things work out for you, I really do.
Seriously look into something that will help you overcome your anxiety though because it's the WORST feeling in the world and I know while you're in the throes of it you can't think rationally and it'll only hurt you in the long run xx

@outherealone wow that's the most narrow minded summary of anxiety I have ever heard!! Anxiety isn't all about hiding under the covers

My ex was like you, he had zero need to be, I never do much as looked at anyone else. His mistrust and checking ruined our relationship and I ended it. That's the path you'll more than likely walk if you continue this way.

@monkeymonkey2010. Firstly he didn't decide to take the day off because he was ill as he was completely fine and said that he decided to take the day off because he didn't want to go into work. That was it he was perfectly fine.

Also I've only ever checked his phone once and never repeatedly.

Don't worry about warning your Male friends I doubt I would like them especially if they have friends like you!!

@peanutbutterbanana1. It's been fine, we've been texting each other which I know is a good sign. I was due to see him on Tuesday night and he's not said otherwise.
However we've not spoken on the phone this week as he's away on a training course but I will suggest a chat over the weekend and see what he says.

Your first post says "I checked his phone a few times".

OP just dump him. He seems to bring anxiety on. Not worth it.
Give a person space to breathe. Have one yourself in fact.
Sleep on it.

I must admit, the questioning him about being at home is enough, but the phone checking overstepped the mark.

I couldn't give a shit if my wife checked my phone, there is bugger all on it, I hardly use it. I think she'd be pissed off if I checked up on hers, never have, even though she's usually welded to it.

BTW, the period text? Just no, he really doesn't want to know.

@08PhilCornwall1
Well said. Desperation for attention and stooping to levels beyond dignity.
OP bin him off. It's buggered. Sorry.

OP ... yet again I find myself having to apologise for some of the posters here. I am so sorry they ignored the main question and slated you for trustingly sharing with us what you'd shared with him about feeling bad with your period. Of course perfectly fine to share that with him - no we aren't living in Victorian times! And if that's fine in your relationship, perfectly normal to tell him. You gave us the example to show that his normal sympathy seemed a bit absent, and that added to your worry.

(on the periods, btw - they have a tendency to do that in your 40s and it's awful 😥 Sorry and big hugs)

As for the actual question. Hmm. So he was with you, said was going to work. Shortly after, your petrol station detour takes you past his house and he's at home. I would probably have called rather than knocked. And he took a while to come to the door ... omg ... maybe the poor bugger had gone to the loo?!!!! Maybe didn't want to at yours and was just settling down for a peaceful few moments in his own bathroom?!!!!! He'd also be too embarrassed to tell you that. ?

It's a pity he saw you checking his phone. I hope you did say very very sorry and will never do again.

You haven't found anything on his phone. So now you should totally STOP and not look
again. And go for the counselling.

You need to seriously apologise to him, reassure him and say you're going for a chat to help you stop being such an idiot. (You aren't, I know - but you are over anxious). You need to throw yourself on his mercy a bit, I think.

I can't see anything in what you've described that would suggest he's lying to you. Take heart, be open with him, and go to talk to someone. Xxx

Were you suspicious and was that why you went past the house again?