Caught Checking Partners Phone

[Usernametaken098]

I'm looking for some advice about what I should do.....
I've been with my partner for around 11 months, however we're not living together though I spend every Wednesday and Thursday at his and when we don't have our kids at the weekend we we spend them together.

I have severe trust issues as every one of my ex partners have cheated on me and my last relationship which ended 3 yrs ago was very abusive. My current partner knows this and I have been trying so hard to put my past behind me, however its is very difficult.😣

Things were going well until about a month ago, I had spent the Thursday night at his and we both left for work on the Friday morning, however I decided to go to the petrol station for a coffee. To head out of town i had to go past my partner's house and as i did so his car was parked in his driveway when he should have been on his way to work.

My anxiety took over and i went to his door, he took a few minutes to answer it. I asked him why he was back home. He explained that he didn't feel like going to work. I asked why not tell me as I knew he was going through a lot at work so would definitely have supported him if he wanted to have a day off. He said that he was an idiot for not telling me.

Since that day I've been really anxious about how he feels about me to the point that I checked his phone a few times between then and last weekend, but I didn't really find anything.

He caught me checking his phone on Saturday and I don't know what to do. He wasn't angry but really disappointed and now our relationship seems strained. He said that we're ok and that he'll see me when he gets back from his course but the texts seem a wee bit different. He's still saying good morning and night with ones in between but I mentioned last night that my period was really bad with me passing a few clots and bleeding heavily which is unusual for me. He didn't even acknowledged it or say I'm sorry to hear you're not well.

So I'm wondering have a totally ruined everything or will he forgive me?

Sorry for the long post but need some advice. Thank you x

@BeanBag7 That made me laugh! Fair point...it just sounded like some people were saying she shouldn't mention her periods to her partner.

Ok. You know you shouldn’t have done it and nobody is giving you a harder time than you are doing yourself so I’m not gong to do it. You have been let down so much you automatically think the worse. Totally understandable and it will take you time to learn the skills to be in a trusting living relationship. We all cock up at times.
My husband and I had a few trust issues regarding a women he worked with. I told him I was jealous he admitted a line (not major) had been crossed. We moved on and it is hardly thought about now. It needed us to be mature and discuss where we had been wrong.
Hold your hand up l, admit you were wrong and your anxiety went into overdrive. Tell him you are working on it and that you want to be better. If he is a grown up he will understand and help you with this and give you reassurance. This does not have to be a disaster.

I do feel your pain with the relationship anxiety. I knew in my heart that my ex was cheating on me, but when I think about the amount of times I checked up on him to see why he was never where he said he was it makes me feel ill that I allowed myself to become a paranoid nightmare over it.

He used to take pleasure in telling me he'd be in one place but then take pics of himself in another. It became a game to him. That and the other vile things he did during our marriage nearly destroyed my mental health, so I do understand the anxiety you're feeling..

However - its been 15 months now for me since I threw him out - and despite counselling which has helped a bit with my self esteem issues I've purposefully took the decision to remain single for the forseeable future. I know that I would struggle with anxiety about whether someone was cheating or lying and I've made the deliberate choice not to inflict that onto another person.

I hope you do resolve things, but if you don't, the best advice I could give is to not enter into another relationship until you're ready to trust someone again. And that may take a long time. Right now I don't think I will ever be able to.

xx

The thing is, it’s all red flags isn’t it? If you said he was doing it to you we’d all be like alarm bellllssss so of course people are being real because it’s not a small mistake you made or something stupid you did once.

I wouldn’t forgo further with this relationship if I were either of you, you’re not in the right place at all.

Go* not forgo 😐

OP if you're able to bash others for not understanding how bad anxiety is and how you catastrophise everything, then you are clearly well aware of just how severely you suffer, and you owe it to yourself to seek help with it.

No one knows this man op and lashing out at posters doesn't change anything, you must know this level of checking up on him, texting about your blood clots, which looks like a graphic sympathy bid, is far from ok, whether he decides to accept it or not is not something we can guess,

I have to be honest, I'd be very concerned about your behavuour, see it as bordering on controlling and then end it. I think many people would, I'm sorry, but we can't guess what he will do.

Op I'm sorry but if I were you I would end it before he does because it's not good for either of you. I would definitely recommend counselling for yourself before you think about a new relationship.

I say this as someone with trust issues and anxiety.

You need to back off and give him chance to reflect on the positives. At the moment all that's in his head is a sudden consent of snooping and manipulation. I'm not saying your period wasnt bad. But you used it to test whether hed send his usual loving concerned reply. This sort of thing is what he means by strained.

You say your not manipulating him with the message about your period but you obviously wanted a certain reaction which means you know exactly why your saying it - i wouldn't speak that graphically to my husband and we've been together 7 years!
Like another poster said - its not your current partners job to right the wrongs of your exes - if you cant deal with it then break up - but you cannot put his under this spotlight and pick apart his reactions/lack of reaction/time it took to answer the door / - just because it doesn't fit in with what you think it should!
If i were him i wouldn't carry on the relationship with you.

How did you leave at the same time then have to drive back past his house?

I'm not sure that the period text was so bad? Why is a period so shameful?

So it'd be ok to text to say you have a bad migraine, or you had vomited or whatever. But because you're suffering from a 'woman's problem' it's horrific to mention it to a male. Sounds like something my nan would say.

@tiajon
There’s a huge difference between saying that you are having a terrible period, in pain etc to vividly describing the blood flow and clots.

There’s no need to make this a feminist issue or a man vs woman issue.

For example if you were vomiting you wouldn’t describe the vomit to a bf or even friend, would you?

It's not something that I'd personally text, but if I ever did my DH is big enough to take it without it causing any problems? It's just a period! No shock, no horror.

No one has said periods are shameful 🙄. She didn't say I've got my period and feel rubbish, it was a dramatic text sent to prompt sympathy from her DP who she knows is upset with her. Very manipulative.

Hi op, your anxiety is going to ruin things if your not careful. I wouldn't like it if it was me.

Have you done this before that he knows about? Is the first time he's caught you or had suspicions that you've been checking up on him?

With regards to the heavy periods, i don't understand why some posters are horrified that you told him about this. I discuss my periods with my partner all the time and think it's actually a bit odd not to if you've been with someone for years.

Thank you for the comments regarding the situation with my anxiety and I am now sitting here with more anxiety because I don't know what he is going to do next all because of my own actions.

I apologised on Saturday to him as well as on the Sunday too before dropping him off at the Airport and he has been texting me since.

Yes to some the period text may seem extreme, however it wasn't on it's own it was part of a longer text in reply to a message from him.

I would also like to make you aware that I am not one of those GF's who text their partner every 5 mins because their OH has read their text but not responded, I get everyone is busy and there are times where he hasn't replied to a text for a few hours but I am ok with that.

I have been treated badly in previous relationship's and yes you are all right in that I shouldn't tar him with the same brush, but when you have been treated badly you have this mentality where you think well if I find they're cheating then I have been proved correct and I would then have the moral high ground and dump them. It's a way of protecting myself which I know is wrong.

I know that we can't foresee the future, unfortunately as someone who doesn't like to give in to the unknown it is very scary to let someone else in a way predict what happens to you emotionally by their actions.

Since putting up the post and reading every comment whether supportive or other wise I have today made an appointment with a Counsellor who I have briefly outlined my situation regarding my relationship anxiety.

I am really hoping this will help. I haven't told my OH and I am not going to unless it comes up in conversation as I am not going to use it as a ploy to make him stay.

All I can do is show him that I am worth staying with and that apart from the anxiety I am a great person.

Well done, OP. You've made a great first step. I hope you find the counselling helpful.

OK in response to the Period text it WAS in a bigger message not just on it's own.

Also my OH has told me when he's been with D&V in a graphic manner and OMG we fart in each other's presence and his aren't the nicest.

So please can we forget about the Period message and focus on the fact that I am asking for advice about my relationship anxiety and how i in anyway I can hopefully not ruin my relationship further.

I think you should share this with him. It’s a grown up thing to do and shows that you are aware of your issues. If he is reasonable he will understand. Well done at seeing you need to look at this issue in your life. I think you need to talk to him. X

You are going to be ok whatever happens.

Oh and he actually goes and buy me sanitary pads and isn't horrified when a blood has seeped onto the bedsheets during the night. The fact it is women who seem to be so horrified with the period text is really sad in a way. Saying blood clot and heavy isn't extreme to be truthful!!

Totally agree, OP! It's like we've gone back 50 years, keeping the 'women's trouble' from the poor men.

No-one's horrified at the text, just confused as to why that was an appropriate time to send it.