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Original poster

Caught Checking Partners Phone

103 replies

Usernametaken098 · 22/10/2019 11:11

I'm looking for some advice about what I should do.....
I've been with my partner for around 11 months, however we're not living together though I spend every Wednesday and Thursday at his and when we don't have our kids at the weekend we we spend them together.

I have severe trust issues as every one of my ex partners have cheated on me and my last relationship which ended 3 yrs ago was very abusive. My current partner knows this and I have been trying so hard to put my past behind me, however its is very difficult.😣

Things were going well until about a month ago, I had spent the Thursday night at his and we both left for work on the Friday morning, however I decided to go to the petrol station for a coffee. To head out of town i had to go past my partner's house and as i did so his car was parked in his driveway when he should have been on his way to work.

My anxiety took over and i went to his door, he took a few minutes to answer it. I asked him why he was back home. He explained that he didn't feel like going to work. I asked why not tell me as I knew he was going through a lot at work so would definitely have supported him if he wanted to have a day off. He said that he was an idiot for not telling me.

Since that day I've been really anxious about how he feels about me to the point that I checked his phone a few times between then and last weekend, but I didn't really find anything.

He caught me checking his phone on Saturday and I don't know what to do. He wasn't angry but really disappointed and now our relationship seems strained. He said that we're ok and that he'll see me when he gets back from his course but the texts seem a wee bit different. He's still saying good morning and night with ones in between but I mentioned last night that my period was really bad with me passing a few clots and bleeding heavily which is unusual for me. He didn't even acknowledged it or say I'm sorry to hear you're not well.

So I'm wondering have a totally ruined everything or will he forgive me?

Sorry for the long post but need some advice. Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernametaken098 · 22/10/2019 14:48

Thank you tomselleckhaskindeyes I know I will be I have been through worse, it's just my actions which have caused this that is making it more difficult because if I hadn't then I wouldn't be in the mess I am now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernametaken098 · 22/10/2019 14:53

@JorisBonson - because he asked me how my night was going and I was being truthful in that my period was horrendous. Neither myself or my OH are squeamish so he would have taken it as my normal chat.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/10/2019 14:57

Well op, why are you posting? You say in your op he ignored your graphic period text, now you're saying he would take it as normal. Which is it?

Original poster
Usernametaken098 · 22/10/2019 15:01

@Bluntness100 I mean't normal regarding the phrases I used to describe my period. He would normally have said something sweet and caring back but he didn't which isn't normal for him, so that is why I said that he ignored the period comment.

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 22/10/2019 15:07

If I caught my OH checking my phone and questioning what I was doing and where I was and he then texted me looking for sympathy as he had a nosebleed my initial response would be to tell him I didn't give a shit. So saying nothing would be the better option.

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2019 15:08

Ok, but you must accept it's not usual to text your partner graphic informationabout your period, so that's why people are commenting, and if it's your normal you should have maybe mentioned that.

People have got caught up in it because it looks like a sympathy bid, trying to get his attention, given the context, which most grown up women don't do.

pooopypants · 22/10/2019 15:12

I haven't seen harsh replies OP, though I can appreciate that you're feeling 'delicate' so you may have translated them as harsh.

You have messed up and you need to sort out your trust issues, ASAP. I'm not surprised he's being cool with you, I would be too.

Original poster
Usernametaken098 · 22/10/2019 15:16

@Bluntness100 I can see that but he did ask me how my night was going so it was in response to that. It wasn't a separate text saying I'm feeling crap etc I genuinely mentioned it because we would normally talk about how we're feeling etc. As I said in my previous reply to you I was concerned that he didn't make his usual sweet response when I say I'm feeling crap etc and thought it was a way of him shifting away from our relationship.

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 22/10/2019 15:21

OP please ignore some of these posters.

Talking about your period is not off limits to your partner. How sexist. That is not the reason why your boyfriend is annoyed anyway, it's due to your lack of trust...not the period comment!

Thatagain · 22/10/2019 15:31

Wow. I don't think it sounds like anxiety I am thinking more towards paranoia. I have anxiety and would not be able to knock on anyone's door even if l know that the person is there. I think you have paranoia issues. It's common after haveing been through so many untrustworthy relationships. You will have to back off a little in a way of not being ott. I think he maybe a little shocked that you mentioned your peroid as most men infact all men do not know what it feels like and they find it awkward to give emephey. That's from experience! As for the phone just don't do it again he might forgive you this time. You should seek help for your
TRUST PARANOIA SECURITY ISSUES.
A little advice from someone who has suffered anxiety for 20y you would most certainly know if you had it. If you are able to go out on your own speak to people and are respectful and kind and you can wait in a queue. Chances are you have not got anxiety.

Nicolastuffedone · 22/10/2019 15:54

Jeez.....you talk in very graphic terms about your heavy period, he tells you in graphic detail about his d&v........the nights must fly by!!!

NachoFries · 22/10/2019 18:04

@Usernametaken098 OP, I don’t mean any harm but I do think seem quite young and naive. You’ve mentioned that you’ve been cheated on before in every relationship. Perhaps you need counselling to help build up your self-esteem and trust and work on your anxiety? You might also want to just focus on yourself and try make yourself happy. If you’re not happy with yourself deep down then nobody else can make you feel that way about yourself.

Fonduefrolics · 22/10/2019 19:56

@Thatagain with the greatest of respect not everyone with anxiety is the same or will suffer to the same degree. I’ve seen plenty of doctors, psychologists and therapists about my anxiety so mine has been medically diagnosed and can manage all the things on your list.

OP you will destroy your relationship if you don’t get a grip on your anxiety. Seeing a counsellor hopefully will help. I recently had a CBT group therapy course which really helped me when I was in the middle of some intense relationship anxiety. I had to learn to accept I was never going to be 100% certain about anything (or anyone) and to cope with the anxious feelings that produced in me. Kind of like the therapy you might get when you’re scared of spiders and you expose yourself to them little by little until you can hold one. Anyways, as we’re all different your counsellor should be able to get to the bottom of things. Also - have you done any work on relationships in general post abusive relationship? I found the Freedom Programme helpful.

haplessharpie · 22/10/2019 21:55

OP, I have had my fair few poor relationships. Abusive, cheating, controlling ... pretty much the worst of the worst.

I sort my issues out prior to entering into a relationship again. I did the Freedom Programme. I paid for a weekly therapist. It's not fair to make him feel like this.

I get relationship anxiety, I really do. The thing about this anxiety is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy - you're acting in ways that are pushing him away, and he WILL eventually live if you don't stop.

It has nothing to do with you where he is, or who he chooses to speak to. In fact, if this was a reverse, everyone would be telling OP how coercive and controlling/abusive the actions you described are.

I don't think you are ready for a relationship. How old are you?

RitmoRatmo · 22/10/2019 22:08

I’m wondering OP if you were maybe (consciously or unconsciously) suspecting your heavy period/clots was a miscarriage and/or wanted your BF to wonder the same? Maybe this was with the (again subconscious) of increasing his concern and feelings of protection towards you and reducing the anger/blame towards you?

Livingoncake · 22/10/2019 22:13

I’m not sure why you think he has to run it by you if he decides to take a day off work? You say it’s because you would have “supported” him, but you were on your way to work anyway, so... supported him how?

Anyway, agree with PPs who say that your anxiety has made you controlling. It’s great that you’re seeking help, I really hope it works for you.

TheStuffedPenguin · 22/10/2019 22:14

She said he went off to work on the Friday ie he PRETENDED he was going to work then went back home. This is NOT normal behaviour . I would have been curious as well but would probably have texted him and asked him how work was etc .

smilingElizabeth · 22/10/2019 22:22

I don't really understand why everyone has been making a big deal about the period information. Periods are a normal part of life and nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. When you're in a relationship with someone it's normal to talk about this stuff. I thought people were becoming more open about these things nowadays but perhaps not on this forum. Hope you are feeling better op.

category12 · 22/10/2019 23:11

Honestly I don't think what the OP is talking about is anxiety or "relationship anxiety" - it's just bog-standard insecurity and jealousy. And that's given rise to behaviours that are controlling and manipulative.This doesn't mean she's a bad person, but the behaviour needs to be stopped. If roles were reversed, I'd be telling her to run far and fast from someone behaving that way.

Original poster
Usernametaken098 · 22/10/2019 23:25

@TheStuffedPenguin, thank you you're the only poster to actually properly read that part of my post. He left his house at the same time I did to go to work and in fact his car was in front of mine. If I hadn't went for a coffee before heading to my work I wouldn't have passed his house again on my way to work and notice his car was there.

I was wrong I should have just went to my work and waited to see if he mentioned returning home on his texts to me, but unfortunately I didn't

OP posts:
category12 · 22/10/2019 23:30

But OP, it's not really any of your business if he decides to have a day off.

Original poster
Usernametaken098 · 22/10/2019 23:30

@RitmoRatmo, no it definitely wasn't because I wanted to make him think or even slightly suggest that I was having a miscarriage.
I may have checked his phone to see if he was cheating but I certainly wouldn't stoop to that level. He asked me how my night was going and I told him. How I described my period has nothing to do with me checking his phone and finding out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernametaken098 · 22/10/2019 23:34

@category12. He lied to me. He left the house at the same time as me saying he was going to work and only because I went to the petrol station for a coffee that on driving past his house to my work after getting the coffee did I notice his car in the driveway.
That's not normal behaviour. Why not just say he was on holiday instead of pretending to leave the house to go to work.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/10/2019 23:39

No, that not normal.

haplessharpie · 22/10/2019 23:45

does your username relate to your age OP, are you 21? @Usernametaken098