Hello, Father of a 12 year old Son here.
I separated from my Sons mum in 2012 & we have always tried to keep things amicable. At the beginning I lived in a 1 bed flat & my son stayed over on a Saturday night. When he was due to start High School I picked one that was a little more distance from his mum's house but it is a good school. I then decided to move to a bigger home close to his new school so that he could make his way to mine after school & wait for me to finish work. Over the last few years he started to find it difficult living at his mum's. There always seemed to be friction. I have never been totally happy with his mum's parenting skills which is one of the reasons that we separated. I suspected that she was taking amphetamines on the weekend & there were times where she allowed our son to have time off of school because she was feeling rough after her weekend binges. Due to my son starting high school & his unhappiness at his mums I suggested that he should stay with me 3 nights per week to which she agreed.
Over the last year things have got worse at his mums. Around 6 months ago she started seeing a guy who I later found out was on a methadone treatment plan. She basically moved him in within a matter of weeks. My son was immediately distressed especially as his mum tried to force my son to be affectionate to this guy. I have had reports from a neighbour that drug dealers are visiting the house. His mum is heavily in debt & she asks to borrow money from me regularly. Due to the concerns that I had I phoned Social Services who confirmed that the boyfriend was a know drug user but because there appeared not to be any immediate danger to my son they said they couldn't do anything. However, they did phone his mum who said everything was fine but she did lie about how many nights he stayed at my house. When I found out about that he was on a methadone treatment plan I advised his mum that I only wanted my son to stay over 1 night per week. I also spoke to my son prior to this & he said he wanted to be at mine 6 nights per week as he feels very uncomfortable around his mum's boyfriend.
When we changed from my son staying 3 nights to 5 nights I agreed that I would pay maintenance according to the .gov website calculator which calculates on him staying 3 nights per week or more. It doesn't give 5 nights. So, I basically reduced payments to what I thought was correct. She didn't like this & said that she wouldn't be able to manage to live which I found odd. The family based arrangement for child maintenance was agreed when we first separated & it was agreed that I would pay all her utility bills & give her any spare money left over totalling the amount calculated from the .gov website. So, what I did a couple of months ago was to stop giving her extra cash but still paid the gas, electricity, water, broadband & TV license.
I have started to struggle a little financially as I now have my son more & I still pay for things like clothes, his hair cutting, mobile phone, trips etc. She has stopped giving him pocket money recently & when I bought him his new school uniform which cost £200 she could only offer to pay me £20 a month towards it. This is all really annoying as she is on benefits & has her rent & council tax paid plus she now has this guy living with her who I don't think she has declared so I see no reason why she should be struggling for money unless she is in heavy debt which I believe she is or maybe the money is going on other things that it shouldn't be. But, at the end of the day my son is suffering. She also still receives child allowance from the government. When my son stays there he says that they are always mentioning that he should go back to living with his mum 3 nights per week but he doesn't want to. The boyfriend tries to make him feel guilty by telling him how upset his mum is that he wants to live with me more. They tell him that I am trying to buy his love because I spoil him which I don't. I enjoy taking him places & I will reward him when he has been good. I truly believe his mum & boyfriend have an invested interest in money & that is why they are always nattering him.
What made me post this question is that I have just stumbled across the Child Maintenance Service leaflet that says if both parents have shared care 50/50 then neither parents need pay maintenance. Prior to this I had agree with his mum that I would pay the bills totalling £160 a month. Now he is staying at mine definitely 5 nights & this could be 6 then I now think that I need not pay anything? If this is the case I have no idea how to break this to his mum as if I stop paying the bills she might not be able to have gas or electricity. I know this really isn't my problem & my main concern is to make sure my son is provided for which currently I do not believe he is from his mother. My current logic is that reducing the child maintenance that I currently give his mum can then go directly on my son for clothes & essential items. But, I am finding it difficult to not feel guilty if I do reduce the maintenance but again I currently have him stay over 5 to 6 nights so I cannot really see that she is entitled to much. Last week I had him 7 nights as he didn't want to sleep at his mums as he felt uncomfortable.
Any suggestions how I can tackle this & is it correct that should not be paying anything?