Single Dad. How do I approach the subject of reducing child maintenance with my ex?

[malgrat78]

Hello, Father of a 12 year old Son here.

I separated from my Sons mum in 2012 & we have always tried to keep things amicable. At the beginning I lived in a 1 bed flat & my son stayed over on a Saturday night. When he was due to start High School I picked one that was a little more distance from his mum's house but it is a good school. I then decided to move to a bigger home close to his new school so that he could make his way to mine after school & wait for me to finish work. Over the last few years he started to find it difficult living at his mum's. There always seemed to be friction. I have never been totally happy with his mum's parenting skills which is one of the reasons that we separated. I suspected that she was taking amphetamines on the weekend & there were times where she allowed our son to have time off of school because she was feeling rough after her weekend binges. Due to my son starting high school & his unhappiness at his mums I suggested that he should stay with me 3 nights per week to which she agreed.

Over the last year things have got worse at his mums. Around 6 months ago she started seeing a guy who I later found out was on a methadone treatment plan. She basically moved him in within a matter of weeks. My son was immediately distressed especially as his mum tried to force my son to be affectionate to this guy. I have had reports from a neighbour that drug dealers are visiting the house. His mum is heavily in debt & she asks to borrow money from me regularly. Due to the concerns that I had I phoned Social Services who confirmed that the boyfriend was a know drug user but because there appeared not to be any immediate danger to my son they said they couldn't do anything. However, they did phone his mum who said everything was fine but she did lie about how many nights he stayed at my house. When I found out about that he was on a methadone treatment plan I advised his mum that I only wanted my son to stay over 1 night per week. I also spoke to my son prior to this & he said he wanted to be at mine 6 nights per week as he feels very uncomfortable around his mum's boyfriend.

When we changed from my son staying 3 nights to 5 nights I agreed that I would pay maintenance according to the .gov website calculator which calculates on him staying 3 nights per week or more. It doesn't give 5 nights. So, I basically reduced payments to what I thought was correct. She didn't like this & said that she wouldn't be able to manage to live which I found odd. The family based arrangement for child maintenance was agreed when we first separated & it was agreed that I would pay all her utility bills & give her any spare money left over totalling the amount calculated from the .gov website. So, what I did a couple of months ago was to stop giving her extra cash but still paid the gas, electricity, water, broadband & TV license.

I have started to struggle a little financially as I now have my son more & I still pay for things like clothes, his hair cutting, mobile phone, trips etc. She has stopped giving him pocket money recently & when I bought him his new school uniform which cost £200 she could only offer to pay me £20 a month towards it. This is all really annoying as she is on benefits & has her rent & council tax paid plus she now has this guy living with her who I don't think she has declared so I see no reason why she should be struggling for money unless she is in heavy debt which I believe she is or maybe the money is going on other things that it shouldn't be. But, at the end of the day my son is suffering. She also still receives child allowance from the government. When my son stays there he says that they are always mentioning that he should go back to living with his mum 3 nights per week but he doesn't want to. The boyfriend tries to make him feel guilty by telling him how upset his mum is that he wants to live with me more. They tell him that I am trying to buy his love because I spoil him which I don't. I enjoy taking him places & I will reward him when he has been good. I truly believe his mum & boyfriend have an invested interest in money & that is why they are always nattering him.

What made me post this question is that I have just stumbled across the Child Maintenance Service leaflet that says if both parents have shared care 50/50 then neither parents need pay maintenance. Prior to this I had agree with his mum that I would pay the bills totalling £160 a month. Now he is staying at mine definitely 5 nights & this could be 6 then I now think that I need not pay anything? If this is the case I have no idea how to break this to his mum as if I stop paying the bills she might not be able to have gas or electricity. I know this really isn't my problem & my main concern is to make sure my son is provided for which currently I do not believe he is from his mother. My current logic is that reducing the child maintenance that I currently give his mum can then go directly on my son for clothes & essential items. But, I am finding it difficult to not feel guilty if I do reduce the maintenance but again I currently have him stay over 5 to 6 nights so I cannot really see that she is entitled to much. Last week I had him 7 nights as he didn't want to sleep at his mums as he felt uncomfortable.

Any suggestions how I can tackle this & is it correct that should not be paying anything?

OP, don't have anything more to add to what others have said before, only to caution you not to bring up your unproven suspicions about your wife when taking the formal steps you should to formalise what is already in effect.

I honestly wouldn't mention them at all.

Even if your son brings them up if/when he is interviewed, and you are asked, I would still maintain a neutral position.

I think you want to avoid presenting a picture where you are "digging up dirt".

Yes I understand. My main concerns & reason for my wanting my son to stay with me for the 6 nights are the following:

1. This is what he says he wants as he finds it difficult living at his mums.
2. I do not believe it is in his best interest & safe for him to be staying in a house with a person on a methadone treatment plan who is basically a stranger & could potentially relapse at any time.
3. He does not appear to be getting cared for as he should with regards to the buying of clothes & other essential items. I guess this could be classed as neglect.

Anything else could potentially make me look like I have other motives which I don't might I add but I can see how this could appear.

Go see a solicitor and get resident parent. No court is going to stop that surely! Go find out your rights. He shouldn’t be in that environment. Are you sure you want him going there at all! Bless him. He must be scared stiff. Go for full custody? Why don’t you just start by messaging her to say that as he’s staying at yours most of the time now you’ll be cutting the maintenance in half initially as you now need to feed him. Do that and let that sink in for a couple of months then stop it all together? Maybe do it bit by bit so she’s got time to adjust. You can then say to your kid that you’ve done your best by her.

i was happy to split custody originally, but she is now married to the person she attempted suicide over a few years back. Granted she was in a dark place then and has sought help since then, but I wasn’t prepared to take the risk of it happening again. To be fair the kids don’t really want to stop more than that anyway, maybe when they get older that’ll change

Ah ok thanks for sharing this. Yeah I honestly don't think that my son likes to be there at all & only agrees out of feeling guilty plus he has a couple of friends at his mums house who he likes to see. His mum last night had a talk with him & said to him that she couldn't understand why he doesn't want to be there. It was only last week that his £450 PlayStation 4 went missing from his house because his mum said she borrowed it to someone without asking my Son. Unfortunately most people believed she had put it in a Pawn shop. I have no idea if this was the case but either way my son was upset when he found it missing. These are the things that are really driving a wedge between him & his mum & her constant lying to him. I think he is slowly losing the desire to be there at all which is sad but I shall support him all the way in what ever he decides .

Go see a solicitor and get resident parent. No court is going to stop that surely! Go find out your rights. He shouldn’t be in that environment. Are you sure you want him going there at all! Bless him. He must be scared stiff. Go for full custody? Why don’t you just start by messaging her to say that as he’s staying at yours most of the time now you’ll be cutting the maintenance in half initially as you now need to feed him. Do that and let that sink in for a couple of months then stop it all together? Maybe do it bit by bit so she’s got time to adjust. You can then say to your kid that you’ve done your best by her.

This is what I was considering. Instead of just stopping all the bills which could make it look like that's why I have said he can only stop 1 night I was thinking about reducing them in stages & giving her notice. So basically stop the broadband / phone & TV license but keep paying the gas & electricity for a month & then review it again. I know people are saying just stop everything straight away but I am not sure that this is the best way to be honest. After all I still want my ex to have gas & electricity for the time my son is there plus Christmas is only a couple of months away so it could really impact her & then my son for Christmas.

The point people are making about mediation is that if she doesn't turn up that's absolutely perfect. They give you a form saying you've tried and she didn't turn up and it makes your case stronger.

No one needs TV.

Op if you do decide to take it to court be prepared for it to take a long time. Especially if your ex is against it. It can take 3 months or mire to even get a first court date

Jesus you think she sold his PlayStation?? I'd see a solicitor, get the child benefits and stop paying her maintenance.

She doesn't deserve that money, think it's better off going on your son for days out and new clothes than on drugs for her and her new bf. Need to toughen up here with her, you've supported her lnog enough.

Sorry but her and her boyfriend are drug users.
Anything of value your son has left there will be sold in no time at all if she's at the stage of selling his playstation.
I would not reduce payments gradually, I would stop them all TODAY.
She is not your responsibility, she is no longer anything to do with you.
Your son is your only responsibility here and he is now living with you permanently it seems.
Please just cut her off and go and treat you and your son to something nice this month.

Your poor son, why an awful way for a parent to treat their child.

I think it's very honourable that you want to refuse things slowly to help her out with Christmas coming but you also have Christmas coming and if you are struggling as is then I would do your original plan and stop paying after this month so that your son can have the Christmas he deserves.
You're paying for her be BF to be there and I don't think that's acceptable.
Definitely got for the child benefit and any tax credit you are due.
You don't actually owe this woman anything especially after the way she's treated your child.
A really nasty thought here but she's way less likely to get to be RP again (not that she has much hope anyway) if she has no electric or gas in her house.

He should stay with you 7 nights a week not six. You are financing her drugs and leaving your son vulnerable.
Doesnt matter if shedoesnt turn up to mediation, its a tick box exercise anyway that you have to go through as a standard before court.

I think you.need to sto paying. if she does not like it well then she can see you in court. I understand why you do it. However she will never help herself whilst she is been funded.

It sounds like your son is of an age where he can choose where he wants to be x

Hold up a second

your sons BIG SISTER???

There is another child in this mess??

Im hoping to god this isnt your daughter as we have heard nothing about her, but is she at risk living there?

Is there a court order about residence, or was it just an agreement when you separated? With no court order you can simply inform her that he is now living permanently with you, and she cannot do much about it because 1. you are his parent and have equal parental responsibility, and 2. continuing the status quo, which is him being at your house 6 nights out of 7, and possibly not even that 7th.

The ball will be in her court to get a legal case to change it. Although you may wish to take a solicitor up on a free 1/2 hour just to double check. The fact social services have been involved and have confirmed the background of the boyfriend is good news for you - its not just an allegation. Your son is also old enough to be asked what he wants, and also to truthfully say whats been going on and who is living there if asked.

You may qualify for tax credits, but definately get the child benefit transferred over. And stop paying her bills. Stop it right now.

Hold up a second

your sons BIG SISTER???

There is another child in this mess??

Im hoping to god this isnt your daughter as we have heard nothing about her, but is she at risk living there?

This is my step daughter who I brought up since she was 7. She's now 24 and lives elsewhere. She's been very helpful and knows exactly what her mum is like although recently she appears to be getting took in by her mother's inability to tell the truth.

why are you even thinking about money first?

get child at yours 7 days a week. hes 12, his opinion counts in court.

no parent would be around my child with any drugs.

why are you even thinking about money first?

He's obviously not he has had his son's welfare first by moving him in. Secondly that money is going to feed and cloth his child and provide a roof over his head. He's already said he needs it more now his son lives with him 6 days a week.

@LemonSqueezy0

⬆️ This is good advice. None of this will be liked by your ex however you do it. Follow up the mediation option and formalise through the court with a formal application.

Speak to CMS and get their advice on what is correct around payment.

Go to a solicitor and get some advice, potentially advising your ex via a letter of the interim informal arrangement and seeking court application if necessary. Advise her of the payment situation as per the same.

Let the school and social care know the situation and arrangements.

It’s hard to keep it informal when things get bad in my experience but your sons welfare is the primary concern and you have to provide for him. Good luck.

why are you even thinking about money first?

He's obviously not he has had his son's welfare first by moving him in. Secondly that money is going to feed and cloth his child and provide a roof over his head. He's already said he needs it more now his son lives with him 6 days a week.

Thank you for this. I expected a few comments like this as if I'm more concerned about money. Just to reiterate and as you say money is an essential part of this as it's to give my son a comfortable life now he is with me more and I originally had my son stay only 1 night but I've increased it to 6. I've moved house closer to his school and changed my hours at work so I can get him off to school on a morning. My son's welfare has always come first but I was reluctant to stop him seeing his mum at all because I still had to consider how that would affect my son emotionally not been able to stay with his mum over night. However, his feelings have changed now to the point that he doesn't like been there much and especially over night.

Look into whether you are entitled to claim tax credits for your son too.
The entitledto website would be well worth a look, you can do a benefits calculation on there

I'd stop with the 1 night a week. You don't move a heroin addict into your house unless you are also a heroin addict.
You are financing her habit.
She has sold your DS's PS4 for drugs.

Stop the money. Let her find her rock bottom in the hope she cleans up and gets help.

This is how to help your DS. Not by enabling his addict mother.

You are doing amazingly. And you are trying so hard to be fair to everyone. But you need to have your son living with you 7 days a week! Contact with his mum only during the day, and possibly supervised.

Of course she doesn't want to get anyone else involved via mediation! But you must, must get some support. You know in your guy that your son is safer living with you. He is only little still -- he probably feels terribly guilty about not wanting to live with his mum. So you have to be the grown up and make that decision for him, for his own safety and to take that responsibility/guilt off his shoulders. He's already told you he doesn't want to be there. And no wonder!

Have him with you full time, get all the professional help you can, make it all legal. And yes -- stop paying money to her when you know its not going on your son but instead supporting an addiction. Your ex is not your responsibility anymore. Who knows, perhaps getting social services involved will end up helping her in the end too.

that should be "know in your gut"

I would be looking for sole custody to give your son a stable home whilst doing exams and thinking about his future. His mother sounds like a drug user, irresponsible with little scruples about who she lets near your son. He must be terrified to be there with some random druggy playing at being her boyfriend. The whole situation is horrifying. Please do what’s best for your son you sounds like a good father and he clearly likes being with you. Sort the financial situation out after the main issues are addressed.

You are doing amazingly. And you are trying so hard to be fair to everyone. But you need to have your son living with you 7 days a week! Contact with his mum only during the day, and possibly supervised.

Of course she doesn't want to get anyone else involved via mediation! But you must, must get some support. You know in your guy that your son is safer living with you. He is only little still -- he probably feels terribly guilty about not wanting to live with his mum. So you have to be the grown up and make that decision for him, for his own safety and to take that responsibility/guilt off his shoulders. He's already told you he doesn't want to be there. And no wonder!

Have him with you full time, get all the professional help you can, make it all legal. And yes -- stop paying money to her when you know its not going on your son but instead supporting an addiction. Your ex is not your responsibility anymore. Who knows, perhaps getting social services involved will end up helping her in the end too.

Thank you. Yes this is the problem. I am trying to keep everyone happy but I have to remember that his mum is not my responsibility anymore & she chose her lifestyle & made the decision to move this guy in who is not safe to be around my son. And you are right. I have to take the burden & guilt away from him & make the decision myself. I have to start getting serious & tough.