Single Dad. How do I approach the subject of reducing child maintenance with my ex?

[malgrat78]

Hello, Father of a 12 year old Son here.

I separated from my Sons mum in 2012 & we have always tried to keep things amicable. At the beginning I lived in a 1 bed flat & my son stayed over on a Saturday night. When he was due to start High School I picked one that was a little more distance from his mum's house but it is a good school. I then decided to move to a bigger home close to his new school so that he could make his way to mine after school & wait for me to finish work. Over the last few years he started to find it difficult living at his mum's. There always seemed to be friction. I have never been totally happy with his mum's parenting skills which is one of the reasons that we separated. I suspected that she was taking amphetamines on the weekend & there were times where she allowed our son to have time off of school because she was feeling rough after her weekend binges. Due to my son starting high school & his unhappiness at his mums I suggested that he should stay with me 3 nights per week to which she agreed.

Over the last year things have got worse at his mums. Around 6 months ago she started seeing a guy who I later found out was on a methadone treatment plan. She basically moved him in within a matter of weeks. My son was immediately distressed especially as his mum tried to force my son to be affectionate to this guy. I have had reports from a neighbour that drug dealers are visiting the house. His mum is heavily in debt & she asks to borrow money from me regularly. Due to the concerns that I had I phoned Social Services who confirmed that the boyfriend was a know drug user but because there appeared not to be any immediate danger to my son they said they couldn't do anything. However, they did phone his mum who said everything was fine but she did lie about how many nights he stayed at my house. When I found out about that he was on a methadone treatment plan I advised his mum that I only wanted my son to stay over 1 night per week. I also spoke to my son prior to this & he said he wanted to be at mine 6 nights per week as he feels very uncomfortable around his mum's boyfriend.

When we changed from my son staying 3 nights to 5 nights I agreed that I would pay maintenance according to the .gov website calculator which calculates on him staying 3 nights per week or more. It doesn't give 5 nights. So, I basically reduced payments to what I thought was correct. She didn't like this & said that she wouldn't be able to manage to live which I found odd. The family based arrangement for child maintenance was agreed when we first separated & it was agreed that I would pay all her utility bills & give her any spare money left over totalling the amount calculated from the .gov website. So, what I did a couple of months ago was to stop giving her extra cash but still paid the gas, electricity, water, broadband & TV license.

I have started to struggle a little financially as I now have my son more & I still pay for things like clothes, his hair cutting, mobile phone, trips etc. She has stopped giving him pocket money recently & when I bought him his new school uniform which cost £200 she could only offer to pay me £20 a month towards it. This is all really annoying as she is on benefits & has her rent & council tax paid plus she now has this guy living with her who I don't think she has declared so I see no reason why she should be struggling for money unless she is in heavy debt which I believe she is or maybe the money is going on other things that it shouldn't be. But, at the end of the day my son is suffering. She also still receives child allowance from the government. When my son stays there he says that they are always mentioning that he should go back to living with his mum 3 nights per week but he doesn't want to. The boyfriend tries to make him feel guilty by telling him how upset his mum is that he wants to live with me more. They tell him that I am trying to buy his love because I spoil him which I don't. I enjoy taking him places & I will reward him when he has been good. I truly believe his mum & boyfriend have an invested interest in money & that is why they are always nattering him.

What made me post this question is that I have just stumbled across the Child Maintenance Service leaflet that says if both parents have shared care 50/50 then neither parents need pay maintenance. Prior to this I had agree with his mum that I would pay the bills totalling £160 a month. Now he is staying at mine definitely 5 nights & this could be 6 then I now think that I need not pay anything? If this is the case I have no idea how to break this to his mum as if I stop paying the bills she might not be able to have gas or electricity. I know this really isn't my problem & my main concern is to make sure my son is provided for which currently I do not believe he is from his mother. My current logic is that reducing the child maintenance that I currently give his mum can then go directly on my son for clothes & essential items. But, I am finding it difficult to not feel guilty if I do reduce the maintenance but again I currently have him stay over 5 to 6 nights so I cannot really see that she is entitled to much. Last week I had him 7 nights as he didn't want to sleep at his mums as he felt uncomfortable.

Any suggestions how I can tackle this & is it correct that should not be paying anything?

All of this thread is primarily about finances...who pays what. The priority here is your sons safety and well-being. Get him moved in with you full time, stop paying maintenance to his Mum and go get legal advice as to your next steps.

All of this thread is primarily about finances...who pays what. The priority here is your sons safety and well-being. Get him moved in with you full time, stop paying maintenance to his Mum and go get legal advice as to your next steps

I understand what you are saying but part of his well being is finances. He is currently not getting the things provided that he should be because I am struggling having him 6 nights & paying his mother. I have taken the steps to keep him safe & stable & that is why he is now with me 6 nights per week.

But he's with you most of the time so just stop paying. If he was there most of the time, U could understand your concern that if you don't give any money, the chance of him being looked after properly while he is there is reduced. I could understand in that situation why you'd be reluctant to stop paying even if you legally could. That isn't the case though. He's only there one day a week.

Hi OP. Sorry you're in this situation, and you should not have received some of those accusing messages. Sounds like you are doing a great job and you originally did everything officially, and now your son is older he does not need or want his mummy as he once used to, and no doubt sees her true colours. PP are correct that you are in fact the resident parent with how many nights you have him, therefore you do not have to pay maintenance. If anything she should be paying you!
Definitely register with school and CB that you are main carer.
You cannot force your ex to go to mediation, but as long as you have been to your initial contact appointment, and she has been offered an appointment which she will either refuse, or not attend, they give you the form or letter needed to apply to court, which shows you have tried mediation and she refused. The court could order her to attend mediation, however I feel you may want to put some safeguarding in place given the drugs issue, and the court will likely deem your son should be with you regardless what she wants.
You don't need to give months of notice that you are going to stop her payments, but that is very honourable of you. I suggest speaking to the providers of utilities etc and having all transferred to her sole name, so that you do not end up with bad credit when she is left responsible to pay them, which she likely won't.

If you are unable to have a rational conversation, in the phone, in person, or by text, I would perhaps ask a solicitor to write her a letter and send recorded delivery to inform her you are registering yourself as the main carer and therefore her maintenance will stop, and if she is not happy she can attend mediation with you, and take it from there. It would be better to keep communications in writing so they can be used if needs be in court.
Good luck

Apologies OP, I've not come across very well in my first post. You are doing an awesome job, truly you are...but time to focus. Do not pay his Mum anymore money until you have sought legal advice. If you are struggling financially with the extra body in the house, have you checked you are getting any/all financial assistance available to you? If you do a proper budget redo it based on your new circumstances...cut out everything but essentials.

You will find a way....don't let your only barrier be yourself.

Hi OP. Sorry you're in this situation, and you should not have received some of those accusing messages. Sounds like you are doing a great job and you originally did everything officially, and now your son is older he does not need or want his mummy as he once used to, and no doubt sees her true colours. PP are correct that you are in fact the resident parent with how many nights you have him, therefore you do not have to pay maintenance. If anything she should be paying you!
Definitely register with school and CB that you are main carer.
You cannot force your ex to go to mediation, but as long as you have been to your initial contact appointment, and she has been offered an appointment which she will either refuse, or not attend, they give you the form or letter needed to apply to court, which shows you have tried mediation and she refused. The court could order her to attend mediation, however I feel you may want to put some safeguarding in place given the drugs issue, and the court will likely deem your son should be with you regardless what she wants.
You don't need to give months of notice that you are going to stop her payments, but that is very honourable of you. I suggest speaking to the providers of utilities etc and having all transferred to her sole name, so that you do not end up with bad credit when she is left responsible to pay them, which she likely won't

If you are unable to have a rational conversation, in the phone, in person, or by text, I would perhaps ask a solicitor to write her a letter and send recorded delivery to inform her you are registering yourself as the main carer and therefore her maintenance will stop, and if she is not happy she can attend mediation with you, and take it from there. It would be better to keep communications in writing so they can be used if needs be in court
Good luck

Thank you for this & for understanding. None of this has been easy & I have spent many years trying to keep everyone happy but I am afraid it is now getting to the crunch. I know my ex & I am certain that she would not accept mediation as I believe that she is frightened of them uncovering things. There has been a lot of dodgy stuff going on in that house I think for a while plus I don't think the guy who is living there should be there so there is probably some benefit fraud happening but that is not my concern. My plan was to pay the last set of bills on the 25th of this month then issue her with a formal letter from myself giving her notification that all bill payments will stop from this date forward. In the letter I have drafted I have given her the reason why & attached the Child Maintenance Service leaflet where it states that parents with 50/50 shared care are not required to pay maintenance. I will also include all the bill account numbers, payment dates etc & will offer to change all direct debits over for her if she wishes. I will then call all the providers to let them know. On this letter I will inform her that if she does not agree to this then she can contact CMS for advice & if she doesn't agree on the child arrangement then we can attend mediation.

Hi op. I am going through something very similar and was in court only last week.

You should not be paying CM. If you contact them and explain the situation they will check it all out and will then likely put a stop to it. However she may then want to have your son more in order to prevent that. If there is no chance of having a reasonable discussion and coming to an amicable agreement you will need to attend a MIAM session. The next step is to lodge a C100 with the courts to put an order in place. Sometimes it is the only way.

I paid for a one hour session with a solicitor but am representing myself.

The most important person here of course is your son. If you take this route of action CAFCASS will want to interview you. Be sure that if you make accusations about your ex you have concrete proof and that you have the best intentions for your son; sadly people make things up in order to gain financially or exact revenge (not saying you are though - just how CAFCASS can look at things).

Also ensure that this is what your son wants. Often kids tell each parent different things. You can enter into mediation with a mediator that will also speak to your son. That way a non bias view can be formed.

Similarly with CB you should be getting that and again they will investigate and likely put the claim into your name.

Best of luck. It always breaks my heart when children get caught up in these situations and you become concerned about how the other parent is looking after your child/ren (I speak from experience!).

Apologies OP, I've not come across very well in my first post. You are doing an awesome job, truly you are...but time to focus. Do not pay his Mum anymore money until you have sought legal advice. If you are struggling financially with the extra body in the house, have you checked you are getting any/all financial assistance available to you? If you do a proper budget redo it based on your new circumstances...cut out everything but essentials.

You will find a way....don't let your only barrier be yourself.

Thank you. At the moment I am managing with regards to providing for him for food & essential items etc. However, I am having to keep to a tight budget & he is soon going to need new trainers, clothes etc which I have been providing anyway but with the added cost of him living with me more it will just make things a bit more difficult which it shouldn't be & it wouldn't be if I wasn't paying his mothers bills. I just want him to have what is rightfully he's.

You DO NOT pay her bills. Stop, right now, cancel any payments, standing orders, direct debits...do it now. Get your frugal head on...starts checking EBay or FB market place for any essentials that absolutely cannot wait until your financial position improves. Check with the school for any help available (ours has a 'clothes bank' where items are donated and passed on to other families). Christmas is coming up, if anyone asks what's he needs/wants-throw some essentials in there. It may not be fun, but it's necessary and totally doable.

As brutal as it sounds I’d stop paying all together.

She gets more than enough from the government for upkeep of a son she doesn’t look after so why are you paying for utility bills when he eats, baths and is kept warm at your house. Cancel Your direct debits and make her sort her own shit out.

She’s become too reliant on you to survive but you are not with this woman anymore and it’s clear that she only sees her son as a meal ticket if her boyfriend is trying to guilt trip your lad into moving back so the maintenance is kept up - which she will know will stop at some point.

If you feel that bad about it ring CMS and ask them to recalculate on the days you have him so then it’s out of your hands. You know if it was the other way around she would be on the phone to cms to increase your payments.

You need to think about yourself and your sons needs first, not lining the pockets of an half arsed mum who puts drugs and men above her kids.

As brutal as it sounds I’d stop paying all together.

She gets more than enough from the government for upkeep of a son she doesn’t look after so why are you paying for utility bills when he eats, baths and is kept warm at your house. Cancel Your direct debits and make her sort her own shit out.

She’s become too reliant on you to survive but you are not with this woman anymore and it’s clear that she only sees her son as a meal ticket if her boyfriend is trying to guilt trip your lad into moving back so the maintenance is kept up - which she will know will stop at some point.

If you feel that bad about it ring CMS and ask them to recalculate on the days you have him so then it’s out of your hands. You know if it was the other way around she would be on the phone to cms to increase your payments.

You need to think about yourself and your sons needs first, not lining the pockets of an half arsed mum who puts drugs and men above her kids.

Thank you I needed to hear this! I have spoken to a few people including my boss at work who have all said this. She has been constantly borrowing money from me for a number of years & has not always paid it back. Her attitude is that I have more money than her so she shouldn't have to provide as much. She has even gone as far as to say to my son that he only likes staying at mine because I spoil him & try to buy his love. What she is referring to is the fact that I take him places on a weekend like museums & free things that I have found on the internet. I do not buy myself anything, I don't drink or smoke & from this I can afford to take myself & my son on a holiday once per year but this is looking like a stretch next year given the circumstances.

I have to remember that we have been separated 7 years now & I do not really owe her anything. I have always tried to keep things amicable for our sons sake but I really do think my kindness has been taken for granted & I have the feeling I get mocked regularly by her & her boyfriend.

When social services got involved I spoke to my ex & I explained what the problem was which was basically her starting a relationship with a man who I don't believe is suitable to be around our son & she did say that she was going to ask this guy to move out but obviously this did not happen. She knows that my son feel uncomfortable around him & she knows why so she has basically put this man in front of my son & the sad thing is that my son knows this without anyone telling him. He is 13 next April & he is a strong lad & he knows his mother now & how she behaves. I just hope I can keep all this from causing him any long term emotional health issues. He is happy when he is with me & I show him loads of love & understanding. I have got him sleeping in his own room now as he was still sleeping with his mum up until the age of 11 which isn't healthy in it self.

You know what to do! You don’t need our permission to stop these payments

You know her game, and you know you can protect your ds.

Cancel the payments now, register yourself as the resident parent, get the child tax credits/child benefits etc and inform the school that you are the resident parent, and the point of contact for your son

I agree. If you know you can protect your DS and it won't result in him going back to live at hers, cancel everything you pay to her and start claiming everything you should be entitled too. Her and her boyfriend are sponging off you and taking the piss.

Most importantly, don't feel guilty about it. Your son and providing for him comes first.

Your son lives with you. Stop paying her.

Stop....paying....her.

I agree. If you know you can protect your DS and it won't result in him going back to live at hers, cancel everything you pay to her and start claiming everything you should be entitled too. Her and her boyfriend are sponging off you and taking the piss.

I have sat down with my son & explained that he must be 100% honest with me even if he thinks the answer may not be what I personally would like. I explained that I am here to support him 100% no matter what he decides. I simply asked him if he is happy with the living arrangements which we currently have. He said yes as it is less stressful for him, he cannot trust his mum & he really dislikes her boyfriend. This is important for me because if she doesn't agree & she doesn't want him staying at mine as much I can act in his best interest & prevent him from seeing her if he does not wish. This is not taking into account that I don't think he is safe in that house anyway. I agree that she is taking the piss. When I went out & bought his school uniform I asked for half of it which was £60. She said she couldn't afford it & could she pay £20 a month. I honestly do not know where her money is going but I can have a good guess. The fact that she is saying that she cannot live if I reduce the maintenance is very worrying & it shows that she is not providing for my son properly.

Most importantly, don't feel guilty about it. Your son and providing for him comes first.

This is my problem. I am too soft but I need to realise that my son is not coming first as long as I am paying her money that she is not entitled to. I only just realised that she is getting £20 a week child benefit for him but still cannot manage to buy him anything. I buy all his School cooking ingredients, give him pocket money, haircuts, money for after school & it soon adds up.

Your son lives with you. Stop paying her.

Stop....paying....her.

I know I need to man up as they say for my son's sake.

I would push the court route and get yourself legally named as the RP with the CB in your name. The second it's done I'd stop paying and contact CMS to make a claim against her.

I'd keep paying temporarily just to ensure she doesn't try and alter the living arrangements until court set it in stone.

I became main carer for my two children when I separated last year. Originally I agreed the kids would stay with my ex wife two nights a week and she could keep the child benefit but she kept making changes to the routine (18 months later there is still no routine) which ended up with the kids having to stop going. They do stop one night a week now but she pays no maintenance towards them only buying bits of clothing every couple of months. I pay for everything.
So over the past year I have informed the tax credits, child benefit, school, doctors, everybody that matters that I am the main carer, you need to do the same. Do not pay her anything moving forward, if she moans so be it. Your son now lives with you so any financial help you are entitled to should be going to you. Don’t worry about your ex just focus on what’s best for your son

Also attend mediation, if she doesn’t attend that will work in your favour if you go to court

I would push the court route and get yourself legally named as the RP with the CB in your name. The second it's done I'd stop paying and contact CMS to make a claim against her

This is the problem. She does not want anyone else involved so she wont agree to mediation. However, if I tell her I am stopping maintenance I think she will try to bribe or guilt him into staying with her more. He wont fall for this though I am sure. So what do I do? Give her notice & see how she reacts or go through mediation even if she wont attend but what is the use of mediation when she is currently agreeing to the living arrangement?

I'd keep paying temporarily just to ensure she doesn't try and alter the living arrangements until court set it in stone

My Son has been living with me for 5 days now for around 3 months & I have still been paying the full amount. From the 25th of this month I told her I was going to reduce the payments to what the CMS calculator says for my son living with me 3 nights or more. However, I did not realise that the online calculator stops at 3 nights because anything more is bordering on 50/50 shared care but now he is living with me 6 nights it is bordering on her having to pay CM but I am not bothered about this. My concern is that my son is doing without because I am paying her when he isn't even living there.

I became main carer for my two children when I separated last year. Originally I agreed the kids would stay with my ex wife two nights a week and she could keep the child benefit but she kept making changes to the routine (18 months later there is still no routine) which ended up with the kids having to stop going. They do stop one night a week now but she pays no maintenance towards them only buying bits of clothing every couple of months. I pay for everything.
So over the past year I have informed the tax credits, child benefit, school, doctors, everybody that matters that I am the main carer, you need to do the same. Do not pay her anything moving forward, if she moans so be it. Your son now lives with you so any financial help you are entitled to should be going to you. Don’t worry about your ex just focus on what’s best for your son

I have informed the school. The next thing will be the doctors. Can I ask why you would only let your kids stay 2 nights with their mum? Was their safety concerns? I pay for everything too. I cannot remember the last time she bought him anything & when she does she makes a big fuss as if it's a big achievement. When it was his birthday she couldn't be bothered to get him a card & transferred a few pound & asked me to get him one! I was thinking of letting her keep the child benefit as she maybe watching him for a few days through the school holidays.

I need to be tough & stop thinking about her. She is a grown women & she has already put this guy before our son so her priorities are clearly somewhere else.

Also attend mediation, if she doesn’t attend that will work in your favour if you go to court

Currently I cannot see the use of this as she isn't disagreeing with anything. However, once I inform her that I am no longer paying the bills this might change & then I would go for mediation even if she didn't attend.

OP, don't have anything more to add to what others have said before, only to caution you not to bring up your unproven suspicions about your wife when taking the formal steps you should to formalise what is already in effect.

I honestly wouldn't mention them at all.

Even if your son brings them up if/when he is interviewed, and you are asked, I would still maintain a neutral position.

I think you want to avoid presenting a picture where you are "digging up dirt".

Contact the CMA advise them of the changes and let them reduce your payments.
Contact the police and social services explaining that you have your son living with you due to the drug concerns, show them the screenshot.
Stop paying the money for your son to your ex, until he goes back to living with her, simples!
Also, if she wants the arrangements changed she will have to go to court to do so....
I would however ask your son by text, why he wants to live with you and have that screenshot printed and put at your solicitors.

i was happy to split custody originally, but she is now married to the person she attempted suicide over a few years back. Granted she was in a dark place then and has sought help since then, but I wasn’t prepared to take the risk of it happening again. To be fair the kids don’t really want to stop more than that anyway, maybe when they get older that’ll change