BF of two months annoyed I booked holiday without him

[writergirl007]

I've been seeing my BF a couple of months - met on an app and things got fairly serious quick. Great chemistry, generally have a good time etc, although there's been one instance I thought he was being controlling/insecure and I almost ended it. But appear to be back on track now.

I'd planned to go away just after Christmas but not booked anything. I do this every year - am a big travel fan and normally travel alone.

He is separated (2 years) with 3 teenage kids. The weekend before Christmas he is doing Christmas family stuff with his ex and the kids, then she's going away and he has the kids over Christmas for 7-10 days. I'm cool with this despite the family weekend thing seeming a bit strange.

He also travels a bit for work - he's self employed and it's his choice to do so. I'm cool with that too- I have plenty of stuff to keep me occupied.

In short, I'm happy for us to both do stuff independently.

We vaguely discussed a holiday together after Christmas but I thought it was too soon to book a "big" trip together. It would seem sensible to do a low-cost weekend rather than a two week adventure to the other side of the world (as I am planning).

I thought he understood that and booked my solo holiday - albeit it not to my preferred country as he wanted to go there too and we discussed doing it in the future. But I've booked somewhere else really cool that I also want to go to.

He's pissed off. Reckons we were still discussing things and I clearly don't want him to come. I've been flat out at work and desperately need a holiday. I met my last BF on a trip and had a fling with a fellow traveller since then. He thinks I always pull on holiday. But I was single in the past and I don't cheat.

AIBU? Two months seems soon to include him in future travel plans - which overlap with him having his kids anyway.

Who the hell does he think he is?

8 weeks??? Imagine what this control freak would be like in 8 years?

Dump, Dump, Dump 🚩

He will accept for now, and then will creep it back on. Until he feels you're hooked (living together, move away, less friends, whatever).

This 100%. This is exactly what crossed my mind too @Lweji

Thanks for all your replies. Lots to think about/ watch out for.

He didn't actually say that much about it, just that he thought we hadn't finished the conversation. He seemed pissed off though.

As for living together, moving away etc, never going to happen. I'm doubtful about wanting to live with a man again - love my own space in every way.

To be fair, he may just be disappointed that what sounded like an amazing holiday for you together is not now happening ( though I agree it's a bit soon) and you are still having a great holiday leaving him to holiday on his own which he may not feel
Comfortable with.
Your guard is rightly up but it may not be about control

Also, just to put a different point of view across, he might be disappointed because he hoped to plan a long haul holiday with you in the next 6-12 months and although January is quite soon to go away together, he might be thinking that if you go in January that might be your big trip for the year and it might be another year before you would do another long haul holiday.

Definitely don’t think you have done anything wrong though obviously

I've been in a controlling relationship and this has all the hallmarks - annoyed he isn't centre of your world (when you barely know him); kicks off that you get his permission to go on holiday before booking it - even if he calls it 'running it by him' or 'keeping him informed', this is basically what it is (when you barely know him) and accusing you of being a cheat (when you barely know him).

I'd have been out of the door by now. People think controlling behaviour starts with threats and violence, but it doesn't - it starts by huffs and sulks, and if you don't put up with those, then it goes on to this subtle questioning of your reality - for example the reality that it is perfectly normal for someone to book a holiday without consulting someone they barely know - and you had already had plenty of input about it from him.

It gradually ramps up until you don't question that he is right in what he says. And Mumsnet will always have people who will explain away red flags, because these are the sort of people who haven't been through it yet, and are prime for becoming a victim if they do.

You ARE way more together than I was when I got together with the abuser - but even your boundaries are becoming blurred. Watch yourself, OP. Promise yourself you'll end it the next time you feel that little gut-squirm of discomfort. It will be another boundary-push

As someone above said, you will not change him, you will only change his tactics.

Ooops, 'don't' get his permission, obvs

OP, when someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time.

There are red flags billowing in the wind here.

He sounds like hard work for only two months into the relationship.

You sound like an independent woman with no ties

He has kids & an ex that he needs contact with, responsibilties

I don't see any reason for this to last
You can find someone better suited to your lifestyle

As a fellow travel lover, I would not compromise my love of travel

Screw him, you do you. It’s very early on, you need to keep your independence and your own hobbies.

Way too early to be going on big holidays together unless you both want it. If you want to go away by yourself YANBU - in fact I think it's healthy. It'll give you some time away to think as well. My concer would be that he expected you to fall into being exactly how his previous wife was - at his beck and call! Enjoy your trip!!

Well this has taken an interesting turn.

A random text convo on Wednesday ended with him going on about how he used to get loads of sex etc. This is in contrast to previously saying he'd only slept with 5 people since his marriage ended 2 years ago. His comment clearly intended to pick a fight, then say it was a joke/I'm too sensitive etc. I was the last bit of gaslighting for me. I'm done.

I didn't reply and neither of us has messaged since.

Weirdly while messaging me about previous sexploits (something I'd said I didn't want to hear about) he was emailing a diary invite to see my favourite 80s band next month having offered to get tickets.

We had plans for this weekend - I have made alternative plans now.

My issue is do I message and end things or just leave it with silence? I'm actually surprised he hasn't got in touch. I don't want a row/long drawn out convo but also want to be the one to end it and get the last word. WWYD?

"I've thought about where this is going and I'm done. Have a nice life." Block.

He was testing out what you'd put up with - carrot of nice normal night out while breaking your boundary on another issue.

Silence means he can start talking again as if nothing happened.

Dump him. Dump him. Dump him.

I would leave it.
I'd block on everything.
Make it clear that it's over without any interaction.
Love bombing.
Controlling behaviour.
Pushing for an argument.
You know this isn't right.
He's a cock! End of.

I know I should block but can't help wondering how he'll explain himself... curious as to what he thinks he's doing. Does he even know what he's doing?

We're not following each other on SM. He actually said once "I'm surprised you haven't added me on Facebook".

So needy? He could have added me if he wanted to be friends.

I'm thinking of something like: "Having given it some thought I decided your last message was the last time you pick a fight/gaslight me. I have no idea what your aim is with this behaviour but if it was to drive me away, well done, it worked. I'm done."

Lose the curiosity, it just gives him traction.

Silence is more powerful.

And protective for you. Curiosity and wanting the last word is how you get sucked back in.

Choosing to block him is having the final say. It's an active choice not to let him invade your head.

Sent the message above ending with "if it wasn't clear enough already."

He replied "It is clear. I don't know what you're talking about with the message" (i.e gaslighting/fight picking I assume).

I replied "I'm not getting into a discussion about this" then I blocked him.

When will I start feeling better?!

Wouldn't bother messaging him at all. I'd just block/ghost. He's a wanker and a controlling creep. Fuck that.

No no no. That's literally begging him to contact you to 'defend' himself and tell you you've got it all wrong, are too sensitive, are just like the others who abandon him, etc etc etc. You'll be second guessing yourself in minutes and back in the relationship in a half hours.

As pp says last words and curiosity are playing the game. And he is a master at it, you're not even a skilled amateur!

If you must "this isn't working for me...goodbye" and block.

Best is skipping the text and go straight to blocking. He knows exactly what he's doing and a 'stroppy' text from you isn't going to make him reflect on his behaviour and have him kicking himself that he drove you away. It'll just confirm his warped sense of self and his views on women.

Don't bother.
He will interpret it as you being 'crazy'