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Original poster

BF of two months annoyed I booked holiday without him

119 replies

writergirl007 · 20/10/2019 20:34

I've been seeing my BF a couple of months - met on an app and things got fairly serious quick. Great chemistry, generally have a good time etc, although there's been one instance I thought he was being controlling/insecure and I almost ended it. But appear to be back on track now.

I'd planned to go away just after Christmas but not booked anything. I do this every year - am a big travel fan and normally travel alone.

He is separated (2 years) with 3 teenage kids. The weekend before Christmas he is doing Christmas family stuff with his ex and the kids, then she's going away and he has the kids over Christmas for 7-10 days. I'm cool with this despite the family weekend thing seeming a bit strange.

He also travels a bit for work - he's self employed and it's his choice to do so. I'm cool with that too- I have plenty of stuff to keep me occupied.

In short, I'm happy for us to both do stuff independently.

We vaguely discussed a holiday together after Christmas but I thought it was too soon to book a "big" trip together. It would seem sensible to do a low-cost weekend rather than a two week adventure to the other side of the world (as I am planning).

I thought he understood that and booked my solo holiday - albeit it not to my preferred country as he wanted to go there too and we discussed doing it in the future. But I've booked somewhere else really cool that I also want to go to.

He's pissed off. Reckons we were still discussing things and I clearly don't want him to come. I've been flat out at work and desperately need a holiday. I met my last BF on a trip and had a fling with a fellow traveller since then. He thinks I always pull on holiday. But I was single in the past and I don't cheat.

AIBU? Two months seems soon to include him in future travel plans - which overlap with him having his kids anyway.

OP posts:
Allthematchingchristmasclothes · 21/10/2019 07:32

He’s right you don’t want him to come - and rightly so! You are being sensible! How does he know about you meeting men on holiday though? Why would you tell him that?

He has no place to me annoyed, you’ve already been considerate and not booked somewhere he wants to go, you need to keep your eyes out for other attempted forms of control.

fedup21 · 21/10/2019 07:35

I would do as you’d planned but note very carefully that’s two things he’s done that have been controlling/annoying now.

TarMcAdam · 21/10/2019 07:38

I've had one like this op and I'm sorry but it didn't stop.

I don't think you were mistaken before about him being controlling/unsecure. I think you're going to get more of the same.

Mine was fond of the line "you're not committed to this relationship" (also got "you're moving away from the relationship").

Among the various things behind his behaviour was the belief/fear that a single person i.e. with no kids would probably ideally prefer a childless partner, without the ties, complications, responsibilities, compromises etc of a parent - I think he always worried that I might meet a childless man who would be a better, easier prospect and leave him (involving cheating or not). Not sure if that's a factor for your bf but it's hard to overcome that type of insecurity, they just try to control your social life and it becomes restrictive, suffocating and stressful.

MarieG10 · 21/10/2019 07:40

So 2 months in and already 2 examples of him trying to control you. I know new relationship and all that.....but what person thinks it is ok to do that. OP it is only going to get worse so cut your losses now as each time he will try and persuade you.

Original poster
writergirl007 · 21/10/2019 07:41

The other incident was stopping texting him mid-convo as I'd gone to the pub. He blanked me after, I said I wasn't putting up with that crap as I'd done nothing wrong, and then he was later full of apologies.

The incident made me detach/pull back and stop being so head in the clouds about him. Back on planet earth I started mentally planning for "me" not "us". But decided to carry on as generally it's good, like his company, great sex etc. But I'm in full alert mode.

I told him about the holiday guys as we were discussing previous relationships. I actually moved countries for a couple of years to live with one guy - so significant enough to mention - and the second was the only guy I'd been with in the year since we'd split.

Ps. I don't know how to copy and paste in bold to respond to certain users/replies?

OP posts:
OneTerrificMouse · 21/10/2019 07:43

So what is he expecting you to do; not go on holiday at the time you usually go on holiday, and sit there in the cold pining for him?

Lweji · 21/10/2019 07:43

there's been one instance I thought he was being controlling/insecure

And now there's 2.

And in 2 months...

I don't think the Christmas holidays will be an issue soon, do you?
He wants you hooked, so you can't end it with him.

bookwormsforever · 21/10/2019 07:45

lthough there's been one instance I thought he was being controlling/insecure and I almost ended it

And here's your second, as others have said.

So it's OK for him to plan to have other stuff on - but not you?? Plus it's ok for him to do family things with his ex and you're meant to be ok with that, but he expects you to pull if you go away without him? Hmm.

TarMcAdam · 21/10/2019 07:50

In other matters - yes, it's too early for you to be arranging things around him exclusively.

Also bit of a joke that he thinks you should when he himself is occupied/has his own stuff going on that means he's not free for significant periods.

As others have said you've had the consideration (and intent for the future) of not making the trip to somewhere he's like to go, so you could go together in future - but that appears to be totally unappreciated too.

Honestly I think this is only going to continue and get worse.

I wonder why his marriage broke up.

AmIThough · 21/10/2019 07:52

You've been together for two months.
He should be saying "oh that's awesome, I hope you have the best time. I'll miss you, though." Not throwing his toys out the pram because you might go and cheat on him in a foreign country Hmm

Just let him know if you wanted to cheat on him you'd have no problem pulling locally, you don't need to go abroad to do it.

Then dump his controlling arse.

TarMcAdam · 21/10/2019 07:54

His lack of trust and insecurity is an issue too - you are being assumed to be a cheater/potential cheater with no justification. You haven't cheated on him and you say you haven't cheated on anyone else for that matter.

Yet he's raising potential cheating, doesn't sound prepared to trust you and the natural unfortunate progression of that is controlling behaviour.

TarMcAdam · 21/10/2019 07:56

The other incident was stopping texting him mid-convo as I'd gone to the pub. He blanked me after"/

So he's supposed to be too priority every minute of the day.

Or is it that he wanted constant contact to "prove" you weren't flirting/pulling someone else while out (?) More insecurity, more controling behaviour.

QuaterMiss · 21/10/2019 07:57

Essentially, someone you’ve known for approximately 8 weeks is trying to curtail your freedom to make plans for your own life?

Hmm ...

Grin
Loopytiles · 21/10/2019 07:58

Lots of flags here: (1) the first texting thing, (2) not wanting you to book travel to a destination he fancied, (3) getting angry over you (quite reasonably!) booking a solo holiday; and (4) suggestion you’d be “on the pull”.

Not good signs.

TarMcAdam · 21/10/2019 08:00

*top priority

category12 · 21/10/2019 08:04

Wow, seriously? He's going to be with his dc but he's upset you're not staying home pining for him. I think you do need to think about how many strikes he gets.

Harriett123 · 21/10/2019 08:07

Massive red flags for controlling behaviour 2 months into a relationship.
I would run because these issues are unlikely to disappear on there own and the longer your together the harder it becomes to get out of these types of relationships as hundreds of threads on mumsnet will attest to.

Original poster
writergirl007 · 21/10/2019 08:09

Thanks for all your replies. I have taken then on board - lots of points I have already considered.

I'm not putting up with controlling crap - will make that clear. So. He can either accept me as an independent person with their own life, or do one.

I guess I am not used to this as my ex was super laid back about stuff and never jealous. And I'm probably not good at recognising whether it's a difference of opinion/red flag.

Also not sure whether to mention him being booked in with his kids as a "bargaining tool" ... Pointing out he is not changing his plans for me ... Or whether mentioning kids is off limits as obviously he should spend time with them. I haven't met them, presumably as "too soon" - exactly my point.

I'll see what happens it he mentions the holiday again.

OP posts:
Original poster
writergirl007 · 21/10/2019 08:10

Ps. The kids/holiday overlap by a couple of days so I think his point might be we could have gone away 2 days later when they were back with their mum.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 21/10/2019 08:12

I don't see he's done anything wrong but have a passive aggressive huff.

If we were dating I'd be pissed off if you stopped mid conversation without saying something like 'talk later, off to the pub'. That's just basic manners.

He clearly thought you were planning a holiday together so it sounds like crossed wires. Even after two months I'd have mentioned I was going to book just to be polite.

AskMeHow · 21/10/2019 08:14

I agree with a lot of what others have said re: red flags, but you seem pretty switched on OP.

I will say, be careful that you don't start excusing another incident with 'I'll see how it goes' . Two months is a very short time for these sorts of troubling incidents to start popping up. The next time should be the last time tbh.

AmIThough · 21/10/2019 08:18

Definitely don't mention the kids unless you're saying "it overlapped with you spending time with your kids and they should be your priority anyway".

But I wouldn't even say that considering you're happy to be travelling solo!

Original poster
writergirl007 · 21/10/2019 08:21

Yeah as @KatherineJaneway says I was struggling to see if this was controlling or crossed wires. Maybe it's a bit of both.

He was with his wife for 30 years. Stopped getting on for last few, wanted different things. He did a big career change. No cheating. Obviously only got his word for it but they generally get on ok.

OP posts:
Misskg1982 · 21/10/2019 08:26

You're not in the wrong at all, way too short of a time to be having to considering him in your travel plans. And I agree your first trip together should be something short and sweet just incase....
It does also sound alittle controlling. I've been with my other half for 8 years and I still get away with the girls alone and he thinks nothing of it. Sometimes I've been booking a girls trip before I've even thought of our annual holiday. I'd have a think as to whether his someone you want to move forward with.

Perunatop · 21/10/2019 08:26

You are a great catch for him: single, no DCs, independent, financially secure. Not so sure he is for you......