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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

BF of two months annoyed I booked holiday without him

119 replies

writergirl007 · 20/10/2019 20:34

I've been seeing my BF a couple of months - met on an app and things got fairly serious quick. Great chemistry, generally have a good time etc, although there's been one instance I thought he was being controlling/insecure and I almost ended it. But appear to be back on track now.

I'd planned to go away just after Christmas but not booked anything. I do this every year - am a big travel fan and normally travel alone.

He is separated (2 years) with 3 teenage kids. The weekend before Christmas he is doing Christmas family stuff with his ex and the kids, then she's going away and he has the kids over Christmas for 7-10 days. I'm cool with this despite the family weekend thing seeming a bit strange.

He also travels a bit for work - he's self employed and it's his choice to do so. I'm cool with that too- I have plenty of stuff to keep me occupied.

In short, I'm happy for us to both do stuff independently.

We vaguely discussed a holiday together after Christmas but I thought it was too soon to book a "big" trip together. It would seem sensible to do a low-cost weekend rather than a two week adventure to the other side of the world (as I am planning).

I thought he understood that and booked my solo holiday - albeit it not to my preferred country as he wanted to go there too and we discussed doing it in the future. But I've booked somewhere else really cool that I also want to go to.

He's pissed off. Reckons we were still discussing things and I clearly don't want him to come. I've been flat out at work and desperately need a holiday. I met my last BF on a trip and had a fling with a fellow traveller since then. He thinks I always pull on holiday. But I was single in the past and I don't cheat.

AIBU? Two months seems soon to include him in future travel plans - which overlap with him having his kids anyway.

OP posts:

QuaterMiss · 21/10/2019 08:26

I’d imagine after 30 years he’s probably accustomed to synchronised activity and not used to being in a relationship with someone whose entire life is independent of him.

AmIThough · 21/10/2019 08:26

@writergirl007 is there a big age gap between you?
You write like a younger woman but say he had been with his wife for 30 years?

It would explain why he feels like everything needs to be done as a couple while you're much more comfortable being independent IMO.

Original poster

writergirl007 · 21/10/2019 08:32

I'm 45, he's 51 so not a massive gap. He was with his wife 19-49.

He's had a couple of relationships since including one he was really into but she wouldn't be exclusive and openly told him about shagging other guys.

I've only lived with one guy. Some would say I have commitment issues - don't want to commit to Mr Wrong and very happy independent with lots of interests.

OP posts:

Original poster

writergirl007 · 21/10/2019 08:34

Also he seemed like a good bet for me as I have no trouble amusing myself EOW when he has his kids...

OP posts:

AmIThough · 21/10/2019 08:39

@writergirl007 he definitely wants commitment early on. If you're not feeling it 100% when you're only two months in I wouldn't try forcing yourself.

CodenameVillanelle · 21/10/2019 08:43

And yet you're saying you'll tell him how he needs to be with you rather than accepting that he is who he is, and it's up to you to choose whether you accept that or not.
You can't persuade someone to stop being possessive or controlling. You either accept that this is who he is, or you end it. If you think he's going to change you're dreaming.

averythinline · 21/10/2019 08:46

I wouldnt necessarily dump him bu just maintain your clear boundaries and interests .... if he's not been in that many relationships sine 30yr marriage he may well struggle with different..
the dynamic of a 30yr relationship is very different than that of a 2 independednt singles getting together .....

. he probably hasnt a clue on how relationships develop and is used to an extra level of commitment as thats what he's had for years...

As long as you are clear about this ...there is nothing wrong about where either of you are coming from its just different - he needs to learn about bulding a relationship... you need to decide whether you can be bothered giving him the time/chances to do so....

Loopytiles · 21/10/2019 08:52

An adult out of a LT relationship should understand that a brand new one is different.

MsPavlichenko · 21/10/2019 08:55

You don't need a "bargain chip" as you have nothing to negotiate. The fact that you are already thinking like this is a huge red flag. You are trying to manage/appease him, a common feature in controlling relationships.
He won't change. This is who he is.

ChestOfFields · 21/10/2019 09:05

You said he travels for work, well my exh does that and used to accuse me of cheating all the time.
I found out he was cheating very regularly when away. One of the last things i said to him was
'Dont judge me by your own morals'

None of the other stuff matters if this is part of his character .

RantyAnty · 21/10/2019 09:08

Things got seriously quickly. Have you looked up love bombing?

At 2 months, he really doesn't have a say about anything you do.

He's still a stranger.

TarMcAdam · 21/10/2019 09:14

Seems like there might also be a relationship styles incompatability.

He's been in one since v young, no real periods of being single,cand may have fine pretty much everything with his ex.

You have been single for long periods and even in a relationship have had an independent relationship style.

People like him (if I'm right about him - and my ex was the same within a couple if months) have a relationship style/approach that is "ok we're together, we do pretty much everything together" and get pretty offended if you make independent plans for anything other than the most minor things.

Those two styles don't work together - j would argue their style is needy & controlling; plenty of people don't see it that way, but see it as normal and natural.

They are never comfortable with people like you's style (and independence) and you will feel stifled, suffocated, controlled, frustrated etc. It's doesn't really work.

TarMcAdam · 21/10/2019 09:15

*may have pretty much done everything

CanaryBlossom · 21/10/2019 09:17

You’ve already made a significant change to your holiday plans (destination) for someone you’ve known for about 8 weeks.

Read that back again.

He’s pissed off.

It’s been 8 weeks.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/10/2019 09:29

I think you've been completely sensible in what you've done. If he disagrees I think his expectations are way off kilter

Honeyroar · 21/10/2019 09:30

Be wary. He's not let you meet his children (quite rightly) as its too early, yet expects you to fit your plans around him as though it's a much longer relationship. The fact that he says the other woman he dated wouldn't commit enough is also a little red flag. I wouldn't be too bothered by the texting sulk personally, if he had been ok since. Plus he's only two years out of a very long relationship and seems to be rushing to settle with someone else, which is a little concerning.

Keep your eyes open and head screwed on. It may or may not work.

Original poster

writergirl007 · 21/10/2019 09:46

To be fair, the other woman sounded bonkers if what he says is true. He assumed exclusivity as that was what you did 30 years ago when he last dated. She had other ideas...
He is not worryingly over-negative about his wife though.

Am aware of lovebombing and eyes are open. I don't want to meet his kids yet - way too soon.

OP posts:

Samosaurus · 21/10/2019 10:01

Eek a 51 year old man blanked you because you didn’t respond to his messages because you were busy - I would find that behaviour really unattractive and think it was a taste of things to come. Sounds like you are incompatible in the long-term. Have a great trip and don’t let him put a dampener on it!

Windydaysuponus · 21/10/2019 10:07

The other woman isn't bonkers. Just the version you heard made her appear so....

MzHz · 21/10/2019 10:15

I actually think we'd get on fine on the trip.

To be fair though, you never know someone after 8 weeks! You DONT know what he’s like out of his home comfort zone.

This guy has already- within DAYS of you meeting him - shown you he has controlling and manipulative tendencies- this is a red flag that you’ve already seemingly decided to bury.

More fool you.

Until you are AT LEAST 6 months in this relationship is barely relevant to any of your life plans.

It takes on average 2 years for an abuser to show themselves, you’ve already seen where he’s tried to control and curtail you, he’s now expressing displeasure in another of your completely valid decisions

That’s another red flag. I’d suggest that you put him on the back burner and keep him at arms length while you find out exactly who he is.

I don’t think he’s the one for you. Don’t settle. It’s not supposed to be this hard This early on. It really isn’t.

TarMcAdam · 21/10/2019 10:33

you’ve already seen where he’s tried to control and curtail you, he’s now expressing displeasure in another of your completely valid decisions

Agree 100%.

So sorry op but I think this one's going to be trouble & strife.

Also if he's in any way implying he's insecure or wary about you cheating because of the previous woman (agree she sounds odd) - no, no,nno - you absolutely never do time or penance or curtail your life for other people's crimes. That was her, this is you - different person, different relationship. if he has trust issues he should deal with them however works best for him, not being them into a relationship with an innocent party.

Greyhound22 · 21/10/2019 11:04

OP I have items in my fridge older than this relationship and he's causing you problems already. I think it's all too serious too quickly.

I've been with DH 15 years and we do loads without each other - we have our own hobbies - just this week DH has declared he's going with his best friend to watch something in another country - they were excitedly discussing it the other night and making plans - it wouldn't even occur to me to mind - or to imagine that DH would cheat! I was pleased for them.

To think someone would start telling me what I could and couldn't do having known them for a few weeks - dump him OP honestly.

Lweji · 21/10/2019 11:38

I'm not putting up with controlling crap - will make that clear. So. He can either accept me as an independent person with their own life, or do one.

He will accept for now, and then will creep it back on. Until he feels you're hooked (living together, move away, less friends, whatever).

Why even insisting on this relationship now? You'll just signing in for a life time of keeping him on check and making sure you're never too dependent on him, emotionally or financially.

MrsCBY · 21/10/2019 11:51

I won't be controlled

I'm not putting up with controlling crap

But he’s got you questioning yourself and your own judgement already - otherwise you wouldn’t be posting here.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 21/10/2019 12:27

But this is who he is OP. Eight weeks in there shouldn't be issues around control and sulking.

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