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Original poster

Was this inappropriate?

82 replies

DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 11:14

I was planning on attending a sport/hobby event - both to see the event and to meet up with a male friend who I know through the sport.

By the time he confirmed he and his brother (who I also know through the sport, though not as well as him) were attending, all the limited accommodation in the area was booked out. My friend immediately offered for me to share their tent (they sometimes camp at these events). I want particularly keen ( don t like camping, not a big tent, too stinky young men etc); my main priority not being "propriety" or appearances. So I asked my sister if she still had a tent and planned to take that and camp in a separate tent; until circumstances changed for my friend and they decided not to attend after all.

(For background/relevant info - I'm a mid 30s female, they are in early 20s; know them and became friends/acquaintances through sport ( older brother was my instructor). If they are in my area, we meet and vice versa. Exchange the odd message in a in a while. Older brother is in a steady relationship. Younger not at that time.)

My dp of several months found this (when I related the events/decisions) inappropriate - both the prospect of me sharing their tent at all and how it would apparently look to other people who know him and myself (I also met him through the sport in a roundabout way, but it's his children who do it, not him) including his sons and others (mostly male sport) attending.

I explained that I never really considered sharing the tent, though not for the above reasons, and quickly moved onto trying to get a tent of my own but he focused on that and seens to think I'm very strange not to see it as inappropriate.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 11:14

Do you think he's being unreasonable or was I?

OP posts:
itbemay · 19/10/2019 11:17

i once shared a double bed with a male friend whilst on a conference once, I've been married 20 years... my DH was fine about it.

Original poster
DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 11:18

In the interests of full disclosure, in the course of the v intense training for this sport when I got to know this friend/acquaintance; I definitely developed some feelings past platonic .. but quickly realised it was due to the circumstances and I would never get involved with him due to age gap and other things ... And pulled if back to friendship. Nothing ever happened and I truly see him as a friend, sort of little bro now. The most I've ever said was that he's a lovely young man and any woman would've lucky to have him etc - when he was dumped by a previous gf.

OP posts:
Hesafriendfromwork · 19/10/2019 11:18

I dont think most women would be thrilled at their dp sharing a tent with 2 younger women.

firesong · 19/10/2019 11:20

I don't get it. You said no to sharing anyway... so it's a non issue!? Or did you originally say you might do?

Original poster
DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 11:20

(Dp does not know that I ever had any feelings past platonic btw).

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/10/2019 11:22

Your update changes things, I think. I can see a lot of people being uncomfortable with their partner of either sex sharing a tent with someone that they used to have feelings for.

Claysanatomy · 19/10/2019 11:24

Hmmmm - theres something about this that I just find a bit odd to be honest. I’m your age and I can’t imagine wanting to spend lots of time with men more than 10 years younger than me (you’ve already referred to them as stinky young men) let alone share a tent with them. I don’t think my qualms would be just around the cramped conditions and the smell.

I also always think how would I feel if DP did this - if he went off to an event and was considering sharing a tent/bedroom whatever with considerably younger women, one of whom single, I don’t think I’d be very happy. I don’t care if that makes me ‘uncool’.

Claysanatomy · 19/10/2019 11:26

Also your update OP about having had feelings in the past makes me confirm my above post even more.

Interestedwoman · 19/10/2019 11:26

Not inappropriate at all- if it'd been just sharing with one guy I can see how it might seem intimate, but sharing with 2 brothers isn't.

Original poster
DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 11:26

It's because I mentioned it during my description of the events - he clearly thinks it was a prospect and commented on how inappropriate he'd find that and on what people who saw me "coming out of two fellas' tent" would think of me and ergo our relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 11:29

I can see a lot of people being uncomfortable with their partner of either sex sharing a tent with someone that they used to have feelings for.

He doesn't know about it.

And I consider it a silky mini crush, brought on by way too much contact and him being my instructor (and saviour when things got hairy as they sometimes do in the sport) ... It was 5 years ago as well. I'm being honest when I say it genuinely did subside into platonic friendship and fondness.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 11:30

*silly

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/10/2019 11:33

He doesn't know about it.

I think that makes it worse, if I'm honest, not better.

Original poster
DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 11:33

I’m your age and I can’t imagine wanting to spend lots of time with men more than 10 years younger than me (you’ve already referred to them as stinky young men)

It's not lots of time, I I meet him (them if brother is around) once a year, that would be the height of it.

If they attend a sport event in my area, I meet them and we do said sport. If I visit their area (rarely we do vice versa). If they in hol in my area I might take them on a tour of my town etc. It's been once a year max.

The stinky thing is just my experience if men in enclosed spaces. Maybe they're not, I wasn't taking the chance though.

Incidentally I have considerably older friends too - I'd I like people, I like people - I hang around with all age groups, always have

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 19/10/2019 11:35

So;

You politely declined sharing a tent with the two blokes.

And that’s meant to be inappropriate?

How? On what planet?

It wasn’t even an option for you & I’m guessing the guy offered out of politeness.

It seems like a non issue that your partner is trying to make into an issue.

Does he want you to give up this hobby?

frazzledasarock · 19/10/2019 11:38

The fact your partner doesn’t know about a crush on a bloke you very occasionally see and no longer fancy is also a non issue.

I would not be bringing that up. Otherwise it will become an issue

Original poster
DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 11:40

if he went off to an event and was considering sharing a tent/bedroom whatever with considerably younger women, one of whom single, I don’t think I’d be very happy.

Are you saying that if your dp shared a tent/room with a younger attached woman and an even younger (19/20) single woman you'd suspect your DH of getting off with the single girl (in the presence of her older sister) and not trust him not to.

The idea of me getting off my my friends younger brother, whom I consider a kid really, in the presence of his older brother makes me laugh; it's so ludicrous. And icky beyond imagining.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 11:41

It's like the plot of a bad, slightly sick, porno.

OP posts:
Original poster
DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 11:45

*You politely declined sharing a tent with the two blokes.

And that’s meant to be inappropriate?

How? On what planet?*

He clearly thought that, because I mentioned it when I related the "story", that I considered it .. and I suppose I did for a few seconds.

In one way I wish I'd never mentioned it, but in another I'm not the sort of person to consider and guard everything I say, and it's stressful to think about doing that

OP posts:
Original poster
DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 11:51

Does he want you to give up this hobby?

No, he hasn't suggested anything like that.

OP posts:
PaterPower · 19/10/2019 11:54

Unfortunately plenty of female teachers haven’t thought it inappropriate or “icky” to sleep with much younger boys/men so you can’t really stand on that.

And lots of women on here would definitely not be happy about a 30’s man sharing accommodation with a couple of younger women, regardless of their relationship status.

Original poster
DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 12:07

Unfortunately plenty of female teachers haven’t thought it inappropriate or “icky” to sleep with much younger boys/men so you can’t really stand on that.

Can't really stand on that, how?

It's reasonable for my dp to think I'd shag my male friend's younger brother (16 yrs younger than me) in his presence?

Or it's reasonable for the other people at the event to think I'd do that?

Or both?

OP posts:
Original poster
DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 12:15

I declined the offer to share the tent out of consideration if things like comfort and privacy (mine and theirs), not propriety, appearances etc. - that seems to be the main issue (as well as considering it at all).

OP posts:
glitterfarts · 19/10/2019 12:17

I shared a single bed plenty of times with my (male) friend when younger. His GF (now wife) was fine with it, as we were FRIENDS.

Not lovers.

Doesn't your DP trust you? If you'd wanted this man, you could've pursued that before your DP came along.