Was this inappropriate?

[DarlingBuds19]

I was planning on attending a sport/hobby event - both to see the event and to meet up with a male friend who I know through the sport.

By the time he confirmed he and his brother (who I also know through the sport, though not as well as him) were attending, all the limited accommodation in the area was booked out. My friend immediately offered for me to share their tent (they sometimes camp at these events). I want particularly keen ( don t like camping, not a big tent, too stinky young men etc); my main priority not being "propriety" or appearances. So I asked my sister if she still had a tent and planned to take that and camp in a separate tent; until circumstances changed for my friend and they decided not to attend after all.

(For background/relevant info - I'm a mid 30s female, they are in early 20s; know them and became friends/acquaintances through sport ( older brother was my instructor). If they are in my area, we meet and vice versa. Exchange the odd message in a in a while. Older brother is in a steady relationship. Younger not at that time.)

My dp of several months found this (when I related the events/decisions) inappropriate - both the prospect of me sharing their tent at all and how it would apparently look to other people who know him and myself (I also met him through the sport in a roundabout way, but it's his children who do it, not him) including his sons and others (mostly male sport) attending.

I explained that I never really considered sharing the tent, though not for the above reasons, and quickly moved onto trying to get a tent of my own but he focused on that and seens to think I'm very strange not to see it as inappropriate.

Not to drip feed but he's also thought I was inappropriate for not telling an ex he couldn't stay at mine for a night while visiting my town (he'd asked if I wanted to meet up) because my spare room was full of furniture etc and I was decorating. Apparently that was also wrong of me. I should have said that it was because that couldn't happen/was inappropriate.

(At the time I wasn't comfortable with the idea but just used the least confrontational, most convenient (and also true) excuse as to why I couldn't out him up).

*put him up.

Apparently I shouldn't have even considered it and should have said why in no uncertain terms.

@darl

Oops @DarlingBuds19 I didn’t say I wouldn’t be happy because they’d be likely to get together, and clearly having 2 of them there makes it less likely for anything to ‘happen’. But I would still find it a strange position to put myself in and I am sure if I had friends at said event and they saw my DP clearly sharing a tent with 2 women without me there, there’d be raised eyebrows.

I mean it also sounds like your DP is highly paranoid about these sort for circumstances and how you view situations with other men - that’s probably just his own insecurities but if there’s a common theme of you saying ‘we’re just friends’ and doing things like sharing single beds with other men etc. I can see how it would start to grate a bit and might make you insecure.

Again, I really wouldn’t like it and I have plenty of male friends but there are certain circumstances I just wouldn’t put myself in.

Maybe your H DID know and that is why you got that response , Don't they always say people's partners usually do know or have a gut feeling ?

I feel a bit perturbed by the whole situation if I’m honest.

If you were going to the sporting event to see it and the meet up with a male friend was ancillary, then why did you wait until he had confirmed he was going before you decided to go and book accommodation? If you were truly going mainly for the sporting event itself, you would have booked accommodation without waiting for him to confirm he was going to be there. That has bad optics, it looks like the main reason for the trip is to meet up with the male friend and the sporting event is just the opportunity for it.

Then you say you had feelings/bit of a crush on him and he for you. That’s playing with fire tbh. AND your DP has probably figured this out by your actions (like above) and the way you talk about the male friend. Your DP may even be wondering why you haven’t been totally honest about these former feelings and if they still linger.

The fact the male friend offered for you to sleep in his tent with him....that’s totally inappropriate. Your DP is 100% right about that. You refusing the offer was 100% appropriate.

I’d be concerned and asking questions if i were in your DPs shoes too.

if there’s a common theme of you saying ‘we’re just friends’ and doing things like sharing single beds with other men etc. I can see how it would start to grate a bit and might make you insecure.

No, it's not a common theme.

I have two male friends/acquaintances - this young man whom I see once a year at most and a married guy I know from uni who I meet once a year or less for coffee when he's working in my hometown. I don't share beds (or tents for that matter!) with them. I used to hang around with a gay fella and visited him on my own in my last relationship (again no bed sharing) and my dp commented "that wouldn't be happening (in a relationship) with me".

it looks like the main reason for the trip is to meet up with the male friend and the sporting event is just the opportunity for it.

It was about 50-50. I wouldn't have bothered going (and didn't when they decided not to attend) if they weren't going. I could learn a lot from attending but ultimately you'd be out in a limb and in a fairly uncomfortable position attending the event with no companions (if not taking part, which I wasn't on that occasion).

*out on a limb

That has bad optics

Not quite sure what that means but would is wrong with deciding whether to go to an event depending on whether a friend/acquaintance is also going? Isn't that what most people do, most of the time

*what is wrong

Then you say you had feelings/bit of a crush on him and he for you. That’s playing with fire tbh.

I said I had a silly crush 5 yes ago that subsided into genuine friendship and fondness. I didn't mention the guy's feelings - I have no idea what they are but if he's nursing any he's doing a v good job of dealing with them, given he's dated constantly and is in a steady relationship now. Which I also mentioned.

AND your DP has probably figured this out by your actions (like above) and the way you talk about the male friend. Your DP may even be wondering why you haven’t been totally honest about these former feelings and if they still linger.

He couldn't pick up on what isn't there. I don't have ant feelings beyond fondness and liking - and he's considerably you get than me (and that I would ever consider for a relationship) so I speak of him in the manner you'd speak of someone younger.

The fact the male friend offered for you to sleep in his tent with him....that’s totally inappropriate. Your DP is 100% right about that

As another poster has said - he offered out if politeness.

Also he is a true believer and practitioner in platonic friendship,bad I've seen from his behaviour toward me and other females. One if his best friend's is a female and he has travelled with her, as platonic friends.

He also has a steady gf and he knows I know he is not a cheat.

He also knew another person would be there.

I actually think it's v unfair to him, me totally aside, to say his offer was inappropriate.

Most women I know would be unhappy if their dp shared a tent with two younger women, or invited an ex to stay at their house overnight.

I realise that neither of these things ended up happening, so I suppose that your conversation was entirely hypothetical, but I do think YWBU and your dp has a point. IMO, once you're in a relationship, there are just some things that you don't do out of respect for the other person.

I would think it quite ok to share a tent in your circumstances,as you have outlined your situation well. But I am an oldie,and have a broader aspect on life, and not a snow flakey one like lots of women today.

But I would still find it a strange position to put myself in and I am sure if I had friends at said event and they saw my DP clearly sharing a tent with 2 women without me there, there’d be raised eyebrows.

Because he must be shagging one or both of the female friends he shared the tent with? Even though he's not single and one of them is not single.

OP no, in both of these scenarios, going on what you've said, you've done nothing inappropriate.

Imo, your DP sounds like an arse.

hth

Most women I know would be unhappy if their dp shared a tent with two younger women, or invited an ex to stay at their house overnight.

The first I understand, even though I think there is a depressing & rather dirty minded mindset behind why it can't happen.

The second; for the sake of accuracy - the ex suggested staying at my house, I declined for a number of reasons but voiced "I have no spare room set up, I decorating etc". Apparently I was supposed to scream "what's wrong with you, that's totally and utterly inappropriate, that could never happen!!!" at him.

I don't think you did anything wrong with the ex really.

If my DP's ex asked to stay overnight at his house, I suppose it would be more satisfying to have him say no because he's in a relationship with me rather than because the spare room is out of service.

I think the second excuse sounds rather like you'd love them to stay, if only the spare room was tidy, and leaves the door open for them to ask again.

But really, you said no and that's that. Did that issue get raised immediately after the tent issue though? Because that might explain the over-reaction.

I think that the reason he's raised these things is that, regardless of them not happening, he thinks that they could have - and similar might crop up in future.

Because I didn't say I declined the offer to share the tent due to inappropriate-ness, but due to comfort etc.

And I didn't say I declined to host an ex overnight due to inappropriate-ness, but inconvenience. (In that case I did feel v uncomfortable about it but baulked at discussing it and just used the most convenient excuse, which happened to be true). In spite of me saying so to my do, he seems to discount that.

Itsme (great username), cross posted there.

As you say he may think it leaves the door open with my ex, but the reality is that ex would visit this area once in a blue moon, he is not insensitive/hard to discourage & would v likely not ask again, and .. I did say to dp that the reason I gave ex was not my main reason, so he knows if refuse if ever asked again anyway.

No, there was quite a bit of time between the two.

*I'd refuse

What's the hobby? I've had this username for quite a while now and so much of what you're saying in your posts is reinforcing my beliefs.

so much of what you're saying in your posts is reinforcing my beliefs.

Oh fk that's hilarious.

Sorry to disappoint; dinghy sailing.