Was this inappropriate?

[DarlingBuds19]

I was planning on attending a sport/hobby event - both to see the event and to meet up with a male friend who I know through the sport.

By the time he confirmed he and his brother (who I also know through the sport, though not as well as him) were attending, all the limited accommodation in the area was booked out. My friend immediately offered for me to share their tent (they sometimes camp at these events). I want particularly keen ( don t like camping, not a big tent, too stinky young men etc); my main priority not being "propriety" or appearances. So I asked my sister if she still had a tent and planned to take that and camp in a separate tent; until circumstances changed for my friend and they decided not to attend after all.

(For background/relevant info - I'm a mid 30s female, they are in early 20s; know them and became friends/acquaintances through sport ( older brother was my instructor). If they are in my area, we meet and vice versa. Exchange the odd message in a in a while. Older brother is in a steady relationship. Younger not at that time.)

My dp of several months found this (when I related the events/decisions) inappropriate - both the prospect of me sharing their tent at all and how it would apparently look to other people who know him and myself (I also met him through the sport in a roundabout way, but it's his children who do it, not him) including his sons and others (mostly male sport) attending.

I explained that I never really considered sharing the tent, though not for the above reasons, and quickly moved onto trying to get a tent of my own but he focused on that and seens to think I'm very strange not to see it as inappropriate.

I think it's something to do with the intimacy that sleeping next to each other creates. Seeing each other asleep and in night clothes maybe.

If you never or rarely sleep in the same space as anyone other than your partner, you might see it as intimate. If you do - through sports, activities or sharing with friends on trips, or hostelling etc , you probably don't. People asleep are much of a muchness. People in PJ's etc are much of a muchness.

People sleep in the same space with partners and friends - and go on to divorce, split up, fall out and have no further association; it's only intimate if you want it to be really.

The sailing centre I used to go to (and at which the young guy instructed) had dorms and shared rooms, all mixed unless you were to request not mixed, which I never experienced - perhaps that's why he (and I) didn't think so much of it. Also we became v familiar & comfortable; I kipped at his place in Edinburgh on one occasion, I stayed at his family home on another occasion while taking part in a race/event and met the whole family.

Even with that, I still didn't want to cause then awkwardness and inconvenience - trying to get changed etc. And I didn't want then cramped trying to sleep, with a physically demanding day of competition ahead. That, plus then possibly being stinky in the way men often are 😁, is why I didn't want to add another person to an enclosed space.

But apparently I should have been thinking about what it looked like if I emerged from the tent ... After the crazy threesome with my not single friend and his brother who I consider a kid of course, in full hearing if two sailing clubs of people I know.

Also, no matter how much you trust your partner, other people don't. They see your partner sleeping with someone that's not you, and they think you're a mug for being ok with it, and that s/he might potentially be shagging someone else.

I suppose it depends how much you care about other people's assumptions and opinions.

Fair enough op. Sounds like you're completely incompatible. I don't think my view is that unusual really but we are obviously poles apart. I don't like the sound of him being disapproving of friendships at all though! Good luck.

I can't believe there are people on this thread equating the op's non-event scenario to child sexual abuse! There aren't even any children involved! Wtf is wrong with some people?

I can't believe there are people on this thread equating the op's non-event scenario to child sexual abuse! There aren't even any children involved! Wtf is wrong with some people?

What? Where - I haven't seen it.

Was it just me saying i see my friend's younger brother as a kid?