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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

is he doing this to rub it in?

84 replies

haplessharpie · 18/10/2019 10:49

my (ex) boyfriend ended our year relationship on Wednesday. His reasoning was that I had spoken to him disrespectfully on two occasions in the last week. "Disrespectfully" to him means asking him for help with something, as I am just out of hospital. I have never once sworn at him or raised my voice. He told me I need to see a therapist because I made people feel bad.

He is a massive stonewaller and general child when he thinks he has been "wronged". Usually he won't even look at him when I have mysteriously upset him saying "I cant bear to look at you".

It's my birthday today. We were meant to be going away on holiday in the UK, obviously not now.

I have tried to remain dignified but I woke up this morning to a flowery breezy message off him "Happiest of Birthdays (pet name)! I hope you have the most amazing day!! xxxx"

I don't know why I'm posting, I'm just angry. Why would he do this? I don't understand the reasoning for us breaking up, he's ruined our weekend plans and now he's acting like a great guy.

He has form for "breaking up" and then saying he "overreacted".

Is he a narcissist? A psychopath?

When my mum heard about the way he broke up with, she said she was concerned he would turn violent in the future given how cold and distant he was.

OP posts:
CocoKoko123 · 18/10/2019 10:52

Firstly Happy birthday! How long have you been with this guy? Your mum is right...he's done you a favour by ending things - I'd ignore his message and don't get hoovered back in.

AmIThough · 18/10/2019 10:55

You've wasted a year on this man child. Walk away while you still can.

Glitterb · 18/10/2019 10:56

Walk away.

You will be better off without that emotional abuse!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/10/2019 10:58

Listen to your Mum and do not reply to him. Just ignore.

Why would he do this? Because he's an arsehole. He's basically trying to soften you up to try and reel you back in.

He really has done you a favour.

Try and have a nice birthday. Flowers

DartmoorChef · 18/10/2019 10:59

Your mum sounds a wise lady. Have a great birthday and look on this as a very lucky escape.

KatherineJaneway · 18/10/2019 11:01

He really has done you a favour

Try and have a nice birthday.

I agree with this. With this type of person you cannot gain an explanation for why they behave how they behave, they just are like that. You are much better off without him and should block him and move on. It is hard to do but he treats you like shit by the sounds of it and you deserve better.

Happy Birthday Flowers

MarmiteOrGoHome · 18/10/2019 11:02

What does it matter if he's a narcissist or whatever nonsense? He's a dickhead, stop wasting energy thinking of him.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/10/2019 11:06

Woah.

Thank GOD that's only a year wasted.

'and now he's acting like a great guy'

REALLY?! Grin

Don't you mean to say 'acting like the childish, vindictive, silly little twat he's always shown himself to be'?

Yes, he's sent the message because he probably intends to turn up in a day or two with a half-assed 'oh I overreacted' expecting you to sigh, pick up where you left off and carry on putting up with a stupid, insincere, emotionally sub-standard little arse.

This whole pattern is classic of nasty small-time abusive wankers. They LIKE having arguments/blow up where they get to tell you aaaalllll the things that are wrong with you, hopefully reduce you to tears, then stalk off. It makes them feel good, because they are nasty.

However, they don't actually want to finish the relationship, they want to carry on the 'use/abuse/kick away/drag back' cycle.

You've said yourself he's done it a couple of times already, here he goes again. Not rocket sicence really.

Please, PLEASE stick on this thread for the good advice you will get on how to stamp him out for good.

Delete his stupid message, ignore it.

When (unfortunately it will be when) he comes back expecting you to fall at his feet, say 'No thank you. I don't want to get back together, ours wasn't a good relationship. Please leave me alone.'

He'll go bananas at that of course, because you're not supposed to have any agency here, you're supposed to be a toy he picks up and puts down when he decides to.

Tell folk you're done with him. Get support. Don't be afraid to bark right back and tell him to BACK OFF if he pushes it - you'll call the police if he harasses you.

Nasty little thing, well done on posting this.

littlepaddypaws · 18/10/2019 11:21

been there, had this shit myself. he did you a favour calling it off. have some respect for yourself now block, delete and ignore.
life gets better now,you deserve better, stay strong and listen to mum she's there for you.

bibliomania · 18/10/2019 11:25

He likes the power trip of being able to play you. Block him and do not engage in any way.

MikeUniformMike · 18/10/2019 11:26

Happy birthday!
Dump him and block him. Don't waste any more time on him.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 18/10/2019 11:28

One of the best bits of advice I had from my counsellor was to stop working out why my (ex) partner was behaving then way he was and instead focus on how it affected me and why I felt unable to move on.

People can say he's abusive, a narc, a bully etc and he may be one, none or all of those things. But the fact remains that he doesn't make you happy, he describes you in horrible terms (making everyone miserable etc) and damages your self esteem. It doesn't matter what he is / why he does it, it does matter that you deserve better!

I've been in the break up / pretend regret / minimise / start acting out again cycle and it's fucking exhausting. You can't come back from it because it starts to be learned behaviour and you'll start behaving in a way to minimise and lessen the fallout during the cycle rather than being relaxed and being yourself.

You must close the door on this. Block on everything and ignore.

That message was the best birthday present he could have sent you - it shows how deluded he is and how important it is for you to disengage completely.

Happy birthday and I really do hope you have a lovely wanker free day ThanksCake

MulticolourMophead · 18/10/2019 13:59

OP, listen to your mum, this man isn't good for you.

Block and ignore.

And have a Happy Birthday Thanks

category12 · 18/10/2019 14:06

Happy birthday 🎂. Make your present to yourself getting him out of your life.

RLEOM · 18/10/2019 15:44

Walk away. It'll only get worse as time goes on.

18995168a · 18/10/2019 15:51

Happy birthday!

He’s just dangling a low effort bit of interaction hoping for some confirmation you’re still thinking about or into him, to feed his ego. Best thing you can do is just ignore it and block him.

pictish · 18/10/2019 15:58

Agree. I expect he think he has left sufficient time for you to moon over him and thinks he’ll reel you back in with just a bit more of your autonomy and confidence knocked off so as you’ll be grateful he has deigned to give you another chance.

A year in, this is a no-brainer. He walked out the door, keep it shut.

DontCallMeShitley · 18/10/2019 16:19

He has given you the best birthday gift ever by leaving you. Keep it that way.

Enjoy your birthday and don't look back.

Anniegetyourgun · 18/10/2019 16:21

Other than ignoring, which is probably the most sensible way, the best reply I can think of would be "We've broken up, remember? Please don't contact me again." This is to make it absolutely clear, should you ever need police involvement, that continued contact would count as harassment. Hopefully, of course, it will never come to that.

Or just block.

HollowTalk · 18/10/2019 16:22

It's so obvious that he's realised he was a complete twat and is panicking that he hasn't got you where he wants you.

You deserve not only a happy birthday but a happy life - you won't have either with this guy.

Anniegetyourgun · 18/10/2019 16:22

Meant to add, sorry about the holiday. I hope you didn't pay for it?

Chloemol · 18/10/2019 16:28

Happy birthday. I would be responding ‘ will do thanks now you are out of my life’ then block him and move on

MrsBobBlackadder · 18/10/2019 16:34

Because he's an arsehole. He's basically trying to soften you up to try and reel you back in.

This ^^ also, he's trying to turn the blame of breaking up round to you - if you don't graciously accept his 'apologetic' behaviour then you're the one at fault. Typical narcissistic behaviour...

I've been out with a couple of people like this. Major head fuck!

FabbyChix · 18/10/2019 16:40

If you aren’t happy and have to conform to his idea of what’s acceptable it’s one sided and tantamount to abusive. No one needs a partner make your own happiness

WhoKnewBeefStew · 18/10/2019 16:47

Don't respond and count your blessings

Happy birthday Thanks

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