Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is he doing this to rub it in?

84 replies

haplessharpie · 18/10/2019 10:49

my (ex) boyfriend ended our year relationship on Wednesday. His reasoning was that I had spoken to him disrespectfully on two occasions in the last week. "Disrespectfully" to him means asking him for help with something, as I am just out of hospital. I have never once sworn at him or raised my voice. He told me I need to see a therapist because I made people feel bad.

He is a massive stonewaller and general child when he thinks he has been "wronged". Usually he won't even look at him when I have mysteriously upset him saying "I cant bear to look at you".

It's my birthday today. We were meant to be going away on holiday in the UK, obviously not now.

I have tried to remain dignified but I woke up this morning to a flowery breezy message off him "Happiest of Birthdays (pet name)! I hope you have the most amazing day!! xxxx"

I don't know why I'm posting, I'm just angry. Why would he do this? I don't understand the reasoning for us breaking up, he's ruined our weekend plans and now he's acting like a great guy.

He has form for "breaking up" and then saying he "overreacted".

Is he a narcissist? A psychopath?

When my mum heard about the way he broke up with, she said she was concerned he would turn violent in the future given how cold and distant he was.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 19/10/2019 07:51

Happy birthday.

My guess is that now you have been taught a lesson he will start the process of getting back together with you.

It happening just before your birthday sounds wonderfully timed to make the most impact for your lesson.

You will behave now or he will end it!! And then be so grateful he is open to taking him back that you will be more obedient from here on in.

Ignore. Look after yourself and thank god you are out of it.

Don’t meet up with him or respond to his messages. That gives him an in to wear you down.

CakeFlowers

Mumofone1862 · 19/10/2019 08:00

I had a friend with an abusive ex, after a year she stayed as she said otherwise was a year wasted. 6 years later she was abused by him physically and mentally most days. This might not be the case with your ex BUT never say you have wasted time, it's a phrase that always seems to be used as an excuse to stay in a toxic relationship.

Belfield · 19/10/2019 08:27

He is trying to get you to behave and also saying you insult people and need therapy is a way of making you feel conscious around people which leads to isolation and therefore control. Please listen to your Mum. You are lucky to have a Mum looking out for you.

Herocomplex · 19/10/2019 08:31

Agree he’s done it when you’re emotionally vulnerable, for added drama.
If someone really cares about you they don’t treat you like this. He’s manipulating you.

Have the happiest of birthdays, meet someone new, have fun, be happy.

Queenoftheashes · 19/10/2019 08:36

He is vile and will be back. Say no and breaking up was the right choice. Flee this creature.

altiara · 19/10/2019 09:38

@haplessharpie ONE text message does not mean someone is acting like a great guy.

Read your post and imagine your best friend or sister wrote it. What would you say to her? Wouldn’t you be annoyed at her wanting to understand this losers behaviour and wonder why they want to stay with him?

Set some decent boundaries on how people behave towards you and then stick to them. Like I said before ONE text message I’d not acting like a great guy. You are definitely best out of this relationship, listen to your mum!

nothyme · 19/10/2019 10:30

I don't think it matters why he has done it, you don't sound like you like him at all either and so you are probably just feeling awful about the operation and other things. I hope that you can make new plans with other people for tonight and have a lovely time.

The only thing I wondered about was whether he was English, because the first thing I thought of when reading your post was about a friend I have from a different nationality - apparently it is the norm and expected to try to stay friends or at least civil after splitting up in their culture. English and Americans living there have a hard time understanding it. If he isn't English it could be that.

TherapyGal · 19/10/2019 10:35

OP my ex did EXACTLY this, but also sent flowers and a card which said ‘all my love.’

What did I do? Engaged in a conversation with him and wanted to meet him, at which point he turned it all around and called me crazy, of course he didn’t want me back and he was ‘just being nice.’ It was classic me for reading into something and not accepting it for what it was.

Basically, don’t message back. I’ve not read the whole thread but anyone who does this is clearly a troubled person, best left alone.

TherapyGal · 19/10/2019 10:36

‘It was classic me for reading into....’

They were all his words just to be clear!

TherapyGal · 19/10/2019 10:38

I also echo the posters saying one text doesn’t make someone a great guy. It’s actually very nasty to do that to someone when you’ve just broken up with them. The point is, he’s dumped you two days before your birthday. How can you be happy with a man like that? You can’t, so as hard as it is, move on.

Original poster
haplessharpie · 19/10/2019 10:41

@nothyme

He's not English no. Hes African.

OP posts:
nothyme · 19/10/2019 10:46

@therapygal this is the sort of thing some men I know would do. To them, they would be doing it to be nice. Especially if the woman had said that she was sad.

TherapyGal · 19/10/2019 10:48

OP did you respond?

Tableclothing · 19/10/2019 10:49

Block him. He enjoys upsetting you.

Happy birthday. Hope this year is better for you than last.

Original poster
haplessharpie · 19/10/2019 10:49

@nothyme

He's not trying to be civil tho. He treated me awfully on Wednesday. Wouldn't look at me when he was speaking and let me walk home in the rain as he drove past me in his car.

He is not friends with his only ex. His family have lots of people who have divorced and never stayed in contact with the person.

I don't think it's a cultural thing for him. He's very westernised

OP posts:
nothyme · 19/10/2019 10:50

OP it might be that he thinks he is doing the right thing. It doesn't negate the reasons for splitting up though.

I would get a piece of paper, do two columns, in one write down all the negative things you have said about him, in the other write down all the negative things he has said to you. Read through it a few times. Keep reading it when you have a wobble. Then once you have moved on, get rid of it.

Original poster
haplessharpie · 19/10/2019 10:51

@TherapyGal

I didn't. When I told my friend how he has treated me the last few weeks he was horrified and told me to block him too because he thinks he will turn violent.

OP posts:
Original poster
haplessharpie · 19/10/2019 10:57

@nothyme

We were in the middle of a conversation from Thursday in which he said he was going to mail me my stuff because he couldn't bear to look at me ... This was confusing as he knows my address and he has acted like I've committed the most awful crime, when I'm actually not entirely sure how I've upset him.

... And then a sweetness and light text with my pet name in it? And ignoring a text which basically is me trying to get any kind of clarification or my stuff back

OP posts:
redastherose · 19/10/2019 11:03

He wants you to beg to get back with him. Admit that you were wrong to ask for any help and promise you won't ask anything of him ever again. The nice nasty cycle will continue if you let it. Don't get in touch. See if someone can collect your stuff for you or send him one message asking him to post it back then block contact and write off your stuff if it doesn't arrive. He does sound like he could have Narcissistic tendencies so remember normal behaviour doesn't apply.

nothyme · 19/10/2019 11:09

Wouldn't look at me when he was speaking and let me walk home in the rain as he drove past me in his car

I really would just let it lie, then. I really would. There is nothing else to be done. Anything else will just cause more trouble.

Get a friend or relative to liaise with him about getting your things.

To help you process it all write down all the things you have both said, in two columns, like I suggested, and keep reading it until you have moved on.

ChristmasFluff · 19/10/2019 12:10

He is trying to spoil your birthday - typical toxic person move. Listen to the voices of you friends and Mum. Block him.

Forget about your possessions (sorry) - they are the price of a hard lesson learned and the price of your safety and mental health.

However temptng it is to reply to his message, don't. Your silence is your power - nothing can hurt a toxic person more than being ignored. Even if you send a witty put down, an 'I don't care' message, an 'I don't know you' message - they know they have you. But to not respond? They hate that.

Don't worry about what he is. He is a horrible man who makes you unhappy and enjoys it. Unless that's what you want in a life partner, shove it all behind you now.

Original poster
haplessharpie · 19/10/2019 19:48

I'm really struggling not to contact him.

I had my friends around me yesterday but now I am on my own. I feel so lonely. And confused. Last week we were fine, and now it's just off and I don't know why.

It seems like such a long night ahead and I don't see myself being able to ignore him.

OP posts:
nothyme · 19/10/2019 20:01

He has finished with you. He said he found you disrespectful and that you needed to see a therapist. You have said he stonewalls, overreacts, could get violent. You said he had treated you badly for weeks.

You need to find someone else to turn to, to talk about why, about being lonely, about being confused

nothyme · 20/10/2019 10:05

@haplessharpie I hope that you managed to enjoy your birthday with other people last night.

You sounded flooded with emotion in your last text, and I was a bit worried about what you would do. In case you did contact him I also wanted to warn you that if you carry on contacting someone after they have finished with you, it might be considered harassment.

Make sure you don't put yourself in the wrong, whatever you think he has done.

If you are struggling, tell a friend or relative who would be able to talk things through with you.

nothyme · 20/10/2019 10:06

I meant you sounded flooded with emotion in your last post, not your last text.