Husband's lack of social skills embarrasses me

[Crimearino]

Hi all,

Firstly, I know I'm going to come across like a total bitch.

Husband and I went to a baby class and met all of the other couples. I think I am pretty easily to get along with, ask people questions, makes jokes and I'm general a very social person so I have no issue interacting with new groups.

My partner on the other hand is the total opposite, he is a complete introvert, he had friends but they're all childhood or from the gym (where he has been there for a while or part of routine). When he is around new people he cannot think of anything to say and I know people are looking at us as a couple thinking, 'why isn't he saying anything?'.

I really want us to make some parent friends as none of our friends have children and I am going to need some support when on maternity leave.

I have been working with DP for years around his shyness and he really is loads better, but I find myself feeling a bit upset when I can see he isn't fitting in with a group because he just doesn't speak.

But I'm wondering if he knows I'm watching him or paying too much attention to his interactions and he feels pressured?

I know people are who they are and you can't change that, but I was just hoping that he would at least try and join in or talk to people as as knows how important this is to me.

@czechitout you couldn't be more right, I am totally aware that if I were to have said anything to him that it would have hurt his feelings. I haven't said anything and don't intend to - this is very much a me issue. I have not been embarrassed of him before this group and I think this has stemmed more from me wanting desperately to connect with other soon to be parents.

Also - I would just like to point out to other posters that this isn't an introvert Vs extrovert thing. I am also an introvert - I have taken the Myers Briggs many times. But having friends to me that are going through what is a life changing situation is important to me and my partner was very aware of this. He has never been so quiet in any other setting we have ever been in and because I felt such a pressure to make friends and to connect, that's what lead to me seeking advice on this thread.

We are both introverts but my DPs behaviour on this occasion was not normal for him and he could have come across as rude.

Again, all of your points and advice taken on board and next time I am going in with a different mindset as the anxiety and pressure over the situation I felt (as discussed at length with husband) no doubt lead to him being a lot more subdued than he might have been if I wasn't obsessing about it and almost romantising the thought of meeting people who were in our situation. Again, we have never been around children our whole lives and frankly feel overwhelmed and I feel very lonely because of this.

It sounds harsh, and it's not fair, but it can hold you back socially if you have a partner like this.

@BirdandSparrow I'm sorry you find it unusual that I wanted to meet couples who are also pregnant and having children. I don't know what's weird and what's not at this point as I have not had a child before and am just following advice from friends and family.

You will be fine!

@impossible my husband has many strengths and is my absolute rock (and I am normally his, albeit absolutely not on this occasion).

We have had four happy years together and excited but apprehensive about what the future might bring.

Thank you for your comments, I will take these on board.

I wouldn't worry too much about making parent friends as a couple. You will make friends with the women as you'll be off on maternity leave and that's who you will spend most of your time with. My DH also introverted - he makes his friends his way and I make mine my way. Sometimes it results in a couple and sometimes not. Don't over think it just enjoy your baby and you will make friends in various places and won't be lonely

I think he's done well even going to a baby class if he is so introverted. you should maybe appreciate that more than what he doesn't do.

Firstly .. you can make mum friends of your own ... I have many from my baby and toddler group days ( 15 years ago )
The dads know each other now and as the kids get older and join team things etc special birthdays the dads start to join in but by bit socially .. but slower as they tend to be working more ..

Re the feeling awkward because he doesn’t speak .... I really get it ...
My mum is like that ..and while I understand what other posters are saying re social anxiety and the crippling fear people have ....I have regularly had to pull people aside and apologise for what seems like rudeness on her part .
She never says a single word to anyone who is not direct family. Even if asked a question directly... she stares blankly at people and it almost looks like a frown ...it’s been so difficult over the years and has caused no end of issues ... and to be honest some people are extremely offended by her ( she’s a lovely sweet person - it’s heartbreaking that she is judged harshly )

She held down a very high profile senior job
, a managerial position from the early 80s ( now retired ) and some people could not see that her work / public persona and her social presence were worlds apart ..
My ex in laws were forever calling her rude as they couldn’t understand how she could fly in that kind of job but stay silent socially .... they thought she was being snooty ....

Social anxiety must be terrible... I see her panicking if she is left alone for even a minute without a close family member close by to talk for her .....

No cure but I feel for her and your husband...

Really don't worry. This is a stressful time full of unknowns but you do know how to socialise and you will be absolutely fine.

I think the hardest thing with a new baby is making the effort in the first few months. Sometimes it feels easier to stay at home in pjs all day but it is almost always worth the trouble of arranging to meet someone or inviting someone round. Generally most new mums feel a bit lonely because it is such a life change.

Sometimes when my dcs were babies if I didn't have anyone to meet I would walk to local park and sit in the cafe. There was usually someone there who would coo over the baby (often the lolly pop man on his break) and being sociable just made me feel more human, rather than just an addendum to the baby.

Make sure you have lots of contacts for when the baby is born so you can ask for and offer company. My dcs are late teens now and some of my best friends are other parents I met through them.

I think it's quite common at groups for one out of the couple to be more chatty than the other. As long as he is not looking actively unfriendly, I think people are fine with people that are quieter.

Maybe he just needs a few sessions to warm up, can you bring him into your conversations a bit? As he booked it he sounds like he wants to make friends too and maybe now is a bit annoyed with himself for not speaking more.

It's difficult, as on the inside I'm a warm friendly person, but it's as though I can't get beyond this barrier.
I'm absolutely fine chatting on a one to one, but throw another person in and I just clam up. I have no idea why. I just worry about speaking out of turn I suppose.

I always remember going to a mother and baby group with my firstborn.
I didn't know anyone there, and they were all in previously formed friendships.
I just couldn't approach anyone, no matter how badly I wanted to go over and introduce myself.
One of the volunteers at the group was actually quite sharp with me and I've never forgotten how she made me feel at the time.
"You should chat to the other mums. They all think you're odd sat there on your own! Why don't you talk to anyone?"
Like it was the easiest thing in the world!

I'm an introvert and I find it very difficult to engage with new people. I only talk to those who I know very well and have done for years. I hate socialising and getting into big groups! He doesn't need to change. You can have my husband instead if you want? Lol. He is very extroverted and loves to engage and talk to everyone!

Why don't you concentrate on making friends with the females because when you are on maternity leave they will be too, so it will be them you'll be meeting up with during the week for play dates, coffee dates, buggy walks etc. The Dads will all be a work.

My partner is the same, I am to a degree as well. The best strategy so far has been to just be ourselves, it attracts the right kind of people (in the sense that they'll be a good fit friendship wise). Takes more time and we probably have fewer friends than most, but they're good friends.

I made some mum friends at the school gate/park after school and after a few playdates/tea times the men must have come along at some point and when my husband and the dads meet up they tend to go on a bike ride (with or without the kids), take the kids out somewhere active and "adventurous" woodland or whatever or meet up at a team football game. All activities where it is not essential to do loads of talking if you don't want to. Sometimes we all go to a National Trust/English Heritage walk and picnic. The getting together for a BBQ/meal happens on occasion but not that much and is a bit more intense talking wise I guess. Just a suggestion that perhaps your husband could focus on less talky activities.

I wouldn't worry too much about making parent friends as a couple. You will make friends with the women as you'll be off on maternity leave and that's who you will spend most of your time with.

^This, in spades. I did NCT and the dads didn't really bond at all but it made no difference, we mums supported each other through mat leave while the dads were at work. Weekends were generally family time for everybody so we never hung out with the others as couples.

You don’t need husband to be able to make mum friends for yourself! When baby comes along you will have lots of friends from groups etc. 6 years in I’m still friends with mums I met when daughter was like few weeks old. Just go to groups say hello to everyone and don’t come across “desperate” for friendships and you WILL make friends. Don’t ask for numbers straight away! - give it a few times and then suggest you should exchange numbers and have a coffee or something

I don’t understand. Why does he need to be involved with you making friends? When the baby gets here (in my experience) the dads don’t get involved. The mums meet up for coffee etc. You don’t need him to make friends. Go to baby groups and book things like swimming classes/baby yoga. You’ll make friends that way. You’re best to spread your net wide anyway. Join lots of groups and make different mum friends all over. Restricting yourself to couple friends is a very bad plan. It takes a lot for the mums to like each other, dads to like each other, kids to like each other...just find mums you get on with! Book onto pregnancy yoga and aquanatal and do it without him. Put a post up on your local netmums too.

Make friends with these people yourself. Your husband isnt embarrassing you, hes just showing these people that hes either shy or not interested that's not a reflection on you.

Hello all,

I think there are a lot of assumptions happening that I ONLY want to make couple friends. My husband and I are not joined at the hip; a very important aspect of our relationship from my perspective is that I have my own friends and time alone.

The reason I mental couple friends is because we went to a baby class where their were only couples.

OP some of my Mum friends have not even met my husband yet! Husband is like yours. When a friend comes over he “disappears” so don’t worry about how he is and how shy he is. Even on my daughters parties he doesn’t mix in, that’s what some people are like. U chose to marry him so don’t be embarrassed of his lack of social skills and trust me he will not impact on the friendships you make. Good luck with your baby and hoping u will make lots of friends x

I'm exactly the same as your partner, find making conversation & new friends horrifically hard, I have just been diagnosed with Autism.

I don't think he needs "working on" - he just needs to be accepted as he is.

OP is it possible that you are overly anxious about being judged in Social situations (the comments about worrying what other people think sound like you are anxious about it) and are seeing him as an extension of you in other people eyes?
People are not paying as much attention as you think but I get that's easier for me to say than for you to believe

As for couple friends they can be a PITA as they have a habit of having issues, cheating and separations that leave you not knowing who you can or can't speak to or what you can and can't say. I avoid them on that basis alone