Husband's lack of social skills embarrasses me

[Crimearino]

Hi all,

Firstly, I know I'm going to come across like a total bitch.

Husband and I went to a baby class and met all of the other couples. I think I am pretty easily to get along with, ask people questions, makes jokes and I'm general a very social person so I have no issue interacting with new groups.

My partner on the other hand is the total opposite, he is a complete introvert, he had friends but they're all childhood or from the gym (where he has been there for a while or part of routine). When he is around new people he cannot think of anything to say and I know people are looking at us as a couple thinking, 'why isn't he saying anything?'.

I really want us to make some parent friends as none of our friends have children and I am going to need some support when on maternity leave.

I have been working with DP for years around his shyness and he really is loads better, but I find myself feeling a bit upset when I can see he isn't fitting in with a group because he just doesn't speak.

But I'm wondering if he knows I'm watching him or paying too much attention to his interactions and he feels pressured?

I know people are who they are and you can't change that, but I was just hoping that he would at least try and join in or talk to people as as knows how important this is to me.

[FaFoutis]

I don't think you are being a bitch at all. He sounds like a millstone in a social situation and I say that as an introvert myself. Social skills are part of being an adult.
I would be uncomfortable talking to a woman with a silent husband next to her. He needs to force himself to be polite. Silence is not polite, it means the other person has to make all the effort.

[Bouffalant]

I don't think anyone's being abusive, just disagreeing.

Let him be, and make some new friends for yourself if that's what you want. Don't worry about what "people" think of him or you as a couple. It's very freeing to not care what other people thing!

My DP happily goes off to social things without me, and I happily hang out at home with my kindle and cat. We're different people, we don't have to socialise together all the time.

[IamMadameX]

Feel sorry for your husband surprised you've stuck with him for so long if he's such an embarrassment. How long you been together?

Not everyone can be like you, find socialising such a breeze. For us introverts, social anxiety it's bloody hard work. Days off worrying beforehand and afterwards, it's debilitating. Have some thought for him, he's probably dying inside, panicking what to say. Do you too he's doing it on purpose

I surprised this is only a issue now, now long you been together?you should support him not be embarrassed. Stop worrying what other people think and support your husband.

[DHW1]

Please don’t think I am being critical - I understand how you are feeling I was the same in terms of wanting to make mum friends so like you I joined lots of groups post birth. Best thing I ever did... I do a class pretty much everyday! Definitely better than any couple classes where the conversation is sometimes forced.

[ContessaLovesTheSunshine]

I think if I were you I'd just focus on making my own friends and not include him unless he asks to be included - that way you're not feeling stressed about his behaviour. If he does ask to be included but just stands there silently, then please just continue to talk with other people like you would normally. Realistically the mums will spend more time with you than him so it doesn't matter if he's quiet.

[Heronry]

Two things, OP.

One, I don't think I ever saw any of my NCT group fathers again after the classes maybe once, at a reunion party after all the babies had been born? but the vast majority of the contact was after the men had gone back to work after paternity leave, and the women were still on maternity leave.

Secondly, although I would describe myself as a sociable introvert my friendships are important to me, and I love seeing people, but I need a lot of time alone to recharge to balance that I could never have a true introvert, or someone very shy, as a partner. I would find their reluctance to engage in social stuff outside certain perameters, and the need to shepherd them at social occasions tiresome, to be honest. But you married this man, you say he's your world, and presumably it fundamentally doesn't bother you -- until you perceive it's impacting on your social life, in a situation where you really want new friendships...? If he's always been like this, it's not a surprise surely.

[ravenmum]

My partner has social anxiety too but it manifests by him taking over a discussion / arguing over people.
My exh was unable to leave a gap in conversation, and always jumped in really quickly before anyone else was able to formulate a thought, so also dominated the conversation in a very awkward way - and as he hadn't had time to think either, his comment was often totally irrelevant.

I used to have real problems speaking at all when much younger, and when it's that bad, people do notice, and often make rude or annoyed comments, implying that you're weird or snobby. In those days I was very much aware of it if there was pressure to speak, and it made it even harder for me to do so - I would be so busy trying to come up with something to say that there were no thoughts at all in my head! I felt so ashamed if I knew that people had definitely noticed my silence. And so happy if someone else got on with the talking!

Have you talked to your dh about how he feels? Is he OK sitting there quietly or is he unhappy that he's not joining in? In which case, would he like counselling/therapy? Would he find it easier to join in if you sat separately, so he didn't have you for unflattering comparison, or as a crutch that means he doesn't have to speak?

[Celebelly]

My DP has no interest in making 'dad' friends and that's fine. I have friends from our NCT group but none of the husbands would ever meet up with each other. We've done one thing as couples which was a v informal bbq, but otherwise I just meet with the mums. Enforced socialising isn't fun. Just leave him be.

[Crimearino]

@IamMadameX I think you have some issues you need to work through, there is a lot of anger in your post and there is nothing in way of advice. As I have said, I know that I was being unreasonable which is why I have come on here to get some perspective.

Assumptions you have made about me:

1. I find socialising a breeze
2. I do not support my husband through his social issues
3. That I am embarrassed about him in general

These are all greatly untrue.

We are allowed to not be perfect all of the time. If you do not have any advice to give me then please do not comment again.

[ContessaLovesTheSunshine]

Another thing I've thought of, OP: I'm friends with someone (well, she's friends with my friend and comes to our socials and have chatted to her a fair bit) whose husband never attends any social event ever, bar one 3 years ago. He seemed fun and good company then, but it was clearly enough as we never saw him again! He even stayed upstairs at his son's birthday party in his house. She never mentions any reason for him not joining us so we've all just quietly assumed he's not interested. She comes to pretty much everything though and is in no way excluded. So it can work.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

@ ravenmum - the thing is he’s only ever like this in group settings where he’s uncomfortable or if he doesn’t know people. He’s actually very sweet once he becomes familiar with people. He has had communication training and cbt through work to try and get him over it because it’s been noticed at work too (but not in a bad way necessarily - they viewed it as a minor development point ) but they suggested he might just be stressed over the upcoming baby and to wait until after the birth before starting.

[Crimearino]

@Heronry you're totally right. I have always known that he is very shy and it doesn't bother me as it allows me to have time apart and I get to spent time with my friends.

I guess this has just come from being told that I need to make couple friends with children or I'm going to be lonely whilst on maternity leave. I do not know anyone with children and my family is very small and contains no children.

I just thought he would at least try and make conversation seen as he booked it, but he hardly said two words and then I just felt like I was focusing on making sure he was okay than getting to know people who might be friends to me whilst I'm on maternity leave.

I understand now I am wrong.

[TatianaLarina]

OP there are a lot of introverts/socially awkward/socially anxious people on these forums so they take your comments personally.

I wouldn’t have married someone who’s crap at socialising but you have so you’ll have to accept it. You can’t change him. But try not to worry about him in social settings or other people liking him. Just crack on and socialise yourself.

[SpinneyHill]

I've never thought "Why isn't that adult saying anything" or "whats wrong with that bloke stood there not joining in" that thought has never occurred to me.

All the men in my family are married to chatterboxes and all of them do the 'stand still fidgeting a bit' pose when not being engaged, I just see it as that's what those men do and don't give it another thought.

Is that what you think when you come across a quiet adult? I think that's odd on your part

[Belfield]

I'm an introvert and my husband is an extrovert. My husband puts pressure on me to be friends with "couples" and have me involved with his social life. My view is that if he is an extrovert then he should knock himself out and go off and make friends. He doesn't need to put pressure on me to achieve that. Your story sounds similar and I don't think it is unusual. You are being overly criticized here imo but you should probably focus on making friends with the Mums rather than focusing on trying to change your husband as this would, in the long run, work out better for you. Your frustration is not unusual in Introvert/Extrovert relationships so I don't quite understand why you are being criticized.

[bobstersmum]

My dh is quite like this. I can talk to anyone and it just comes naturally to me as I'm just friendly. Dh would rather not talk to anyone. It frustrates me because he's not shy, he just won't talk to people unless it directly benefits or interests him, ie he has a motorbike and recently started up a conversation with a stranger as he had the same bike. If anyone on my side of the family visits or any of my friends, we try to include him in conversation but it doesn't go anywhere. In fact even if we visit his mum he sits there and falls asleep or goes on his phone leaving me to make conversation. I don't know if he's socially awkward or ignorant? He has a directly customer facing job so is used to talking to strangers and making chitchat!

[5zeds]

I think you’ve made a huge error in your interpretation of others thoughts and emotions on this one. I genuinely don’t automatically like people who chat and make small talk. I genuinely don’t automatically dislike being around quieter less chatty people. On meeting you as a couple I might appear to gel better with you, but that’s primarily because I would be trying to respond to the sort of socialising you were doing. He’s fine as he is. You are fine as you are. Your child may be like either of you or even very different to both. Have a real think about how you are going to accept and nurture that child whatever they are like because they will pick up on your underlying hang ups.

Friends, even friends with children, are friends because they like you as you are.

[RosiePosiePuddle]

You will make friends. To be honest, the father of the child gets very quickly knocked down in the pecking order. After the baby is born, I doubt you'll see many fathers.

I feel for your husband. I suffer social anxiety. I have tried to get over by telling myself no-one notices my awkwardness. Honestly if I knew my husband judged me the way you judged your husband, I'd be very upset and it would make me clam up more.

[FaFoutis]

I understand now I am wrong

In the real world you are not wrong.

The advice about couple friends with children doesn't sound suitable for you though. Look at all the moaning abut baby groups on MN, they can be lonely places to be. If you have friends already then that's all you need.

[Chewbecca]

The others may conclude he is quiet but unlikely ‘wonder why he isn’t saying anything’.

As others said, focus on making mum friends who will be there for mat leave. Those friendships may or may not evolve into couple friendships, take it slowly.

[IamMadameX]

@crimearino wow I think it's you that has anger issues, you obviously want everyone to agree with you and are not liking people who are not bowing down to your feet and saying your right and feel sorry for you having such an embracing husband.

I did give advice, saying have some sympathy for your husband. I'm sure he's not enjoying these social situations and wishes he could think off things to say. Why don't you help him out, give him hints, prompts, include him in the conversations.

In your posts you said you find socialising easy, you post title says you find your husband embarrassing and your obviously are not supporting him or you wouldn't post on a forum criticisming him.

Don't worry I'm not gonna comment again, I'll just sit back and watch the fun when you get all angry when someone doesn't agree with you.

[ravenmum]

@GrumpyHoonMain My exh was also more manic in new situations :) Not sure how it impacted his work; I think most people would have thought he was very confident and thick-skinned, rather than nervous.

@Crimearino Did he book it to make you happy, perhaps, knowing that you wanted more friends? And maybe fully intending to make an effort until actually confronted with a load of chatting people?

I was listening to a thing on the radio that said that coupledom has changed from what it used to be - that we now expect our partner also to be our best friend and do everything with us, whereas in the olden days we'd rely on our partner for some things, and our friends for others. It can be really positive to get away from yoour dh sometimes, and have separate friends that you can keep after the divorce.

[crazyhead]

This is a really vulnerable time and lots of things will come up. You aren‘t a bitch - everyone is allowed their thoughts and thoughts don‘t make someone a bad person. I would say to just be aware of how you are feeling at the moment, and be kind to yourself about it. You are waiting for something to happen and trying to plan and that is a pretty anxious way to be - a lot of this prob isn’t even about your DH. Also - I have older kids (primary age) and I can tell you that the reserved male, chatty female pattern seems to be completely the norm (including for me) and me and my NCT/school peers have a great network x

[CookPassBabtridge]

Good reply OP. If he comes to group again then leave him to do what he wants and you throw yourself into the convo with the mums. You want to make friends so you have to put yourself out there, he is not needed. Me and DP don't have any couple friends, I have my own mum friends and him his.

[barnun]

I know people are looking at us as a couple thinking, 'why isn't he saying anything?'.

I mean this nicely, but you can't read people's minds.

I know a couple like this. She's really chatty (as am I, one-on-one), and if she's around he doesn't say much.

When I run into him out and about and it's just the two of us, we'll have a chat and he'll volunteer information.

Many people are intimidated by groups/talking to more than one person, or they just don't feel the need to talk if someone else is doing the talking. And that's fine. We're all different.